DH says if I go home he will marry someone else

[Changedforthis000]

This sounds like it’s made up, I wish it was! Have namechanged too btw.

My head is all over the place so please bear with me!
I am currently a few weeks pregnant and want to have the baby in the UK. We (me and 5 year old daughter) moved to a country outside of the UK in June and have not settled in well at all. DH has been here on and off for 3 years and we have made do with visits etc. DH doesn’t agree to me leaving and having the baby in the UK, he said if we leave he will marry someone else as he doesn’t want to go back to the UK. I have booked flights to go home soon and he said I’m making the biggest mistake of my life, I don’t care about our children if I take them back to the UK etc.

I don’t know what I’m posting for I just don’t have anyone in real life to talk to as I’m so embarrassed that he he would say he’ll marry someone else (I’ve no doubts he will do this and is not just making empty threats) this country allows polygamy. I will basically be going home to my parents house with nothing and don’t know what I’m going to do

Take care op

Get out of there fast

We can set up a crowd fund if benefits become an issue.

Springwalk. I’m sure your heart is in the right place and you, like everyone else just want to see OP safely back on UK soil. But with all this talk about how you would go over and get her if you could and now this I think you are very over-invested in this. You’ve even had a go at snipples who has given very good and valid advice as she lives in the ME so knows what she’s talking about. You need to calm down a bit.

Wait. So you never even bothered to read your own marriage certificate? Please tell me you're not serious. If you have gone to what I suspect to be a Muslim country where women have no rights, my god..... Haven't you heard of or seen the movie Not Without My Daughter? Ao many men take their wife to these countries, then block them from returning. You say oh he won't block your daughter, etc. My god, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THIS MAN! (sorry for shouting) Why if he is a UK resident, and you are, is he the sponsor of you? You both should be equals and have someone else, sponsoring you. This who thing sounds like a mess and I cannot understand how women in 2019, with all we know about women being trapped in these countries and no rights, especially with internet access, still marry men like this, have children with them, and then relocate to a country where he holds all the cards and you don't?

You clearly don't even know this man or know what he is capable of. After all, he clearly doesn't love you or want to be a family. Because he would go with you, and would never talk of re-marrying, so casually as if it means nothing. If he's so calm and accepting like this, he is 99.94799999% up to something. I suspect your daughter will be stopped at the airport, detained, while you are left to fly alone. There is no way he will let you get your way. He will keep your daughter from you, I think you are very foolish if you honestly believe it is just like that. Seriously. He has something up his sleeve, and it means trauma for you. You won't see your daughter again. That is how these men and these countries work. You are completely trapped in that country.

But will you take any of this advice, I don't think so. After all, you were so complicit in your rights being stripped away, you didn't even make sure you got an English version of your marriage certificate. How do you know what it says, or even if you are actually married? This is 2019. I can't believe it. Why do some women have such a casual attitude to moving to such a country and then throwing their rights away? How many more stories do we need to read on the internet of women trapped in a country that determines the children must stay with their father if the mother goes? This is as common if not more common than the Nigerian email scam, I mean, how can women in 2019 still be just handing their rights away?

I've not been aggressive with him I can't even speak to him without crying. I just can't believe that he could say that. And it isn't just the once he said it I keep saying to him please reconsider and come back or let's see how it goes when we go back and he isn't budging so I have no other choice than to go and not come back

Ok so you need to keep him onside until the flights next week. But without handing over your passports.

Good luck OP.

I've just seen your post on BMD and was a bit shocked to see other convert wives discuss your Islamic duty to stay with your husband. I really hope this kind of thing isn't clouding your judgment.

Can you maybe reach out to your mum and just see what she thinks or is she a Muslim convert too? She might have some good advice and be able to offer practical support. You need to tell your family what your husband is like.

There is no need to panic I agree.

Simply book two flights for as soon as possible, cover your tracks and leave calmly and quietly. No big goodbyes or drama.

Just leave.

If you are in the ME and can get a driver to take you across the border easily (and quickly) it may be worth flying out of another airport. Not the necessarily the closest and most obvious one.

You have to make sure he believes you are only going home for a visit and will be back to have the baby with him.

Luna yes you're right I've put myself in a horrible position. I was stupid. And he has to sponsor me as as I'm not working here.

Hi OP - please feel free to PM me. I grew up in Dubai and worked there (back in the UK now).

Your sponsor does need to cancel your visa, but it is possible to do this without your passport after you have left the country - there is just an extra step. I was sponsored by my father, which works the same as being sponsored by a husband.

Depending on your job, you may need a 'certificate of good conduct' which you can obtain from a police station. This is important if you need a DBS check back in the UK. There is a fee, but you just have to go, fill in a form and be fingerprinted. It's not the end of the world if you don't have it.

The important thing is to get your DD out of the country. Unfortunately courts in the UAE are notorious for favouring the father with regard to custody. Even with girls and their mothers, which should be clear cut under Sharia Law. I obviously do not know your DH or your situation but bare in mind he may come under the influence of his extended family with regard to custody.

@Changedforthis000

Huge hugs from me. Regarding "bring aggressive " I'm more concerned that tone of these posts might turn you aggressive towards him in the days to come. Stay calm and play it cool.

Thanks snipples I have totally ignored such posts on there. My mum is not Muslim nor are any of my family. I will tell her everything as soon as I get back as I know she will call my husband and that will make him more suspicious

What would he do if his phone ‘accidentally’ got dropped in a sink full of water? If he borrowed yours would txts come through about your DD going through immigration on that? Would he think to set up alerts immediately on a borrowed or new phone?
Sorry - no idea how it works but just trying to respond to the txt issue you have raised.
I also think you should get out ASAP but scared for you if it goes wrong and he realises you were trying to go and stops you / your DD.

I wonder whether it would be safer to go with current ticket dates (assuming you have confirmation they have actually been booked) and say you want to visit uk before baby born to see grandparents etc but make a huge thing of getting him to promise he won’t look for someone else whilst you are away etc - tell him you love him and will be returning as you can’t be without him etc?

Plan your escape route carefully and get advice from the groups previously mentioned by those who have got experience.

Do you have access to any money that he can’t control or know if you’ve withdrawn any?

Yes I have access to a little cash on my own UK debit and credit card

I think the fact that you know you won't come back is very telling. You are obviously unhappy in this relationship to some degree. Don't tell him you are not coming back.....he could take drastic action. Move back home then play for time, making excuses for as long as you can before telling him you won't return.

It would be a good idea to tell your parents the truth now, and ask them to keep it a secret. They won't want you to stay with a controlling man.

If he's already talking about other women, perhaps he will move on enough during that time to make it easier when you break the news.

It sounds like he wants everything his own way, and when you oppose, he threatens you. What kind of man wants to force a partner to live somewhere they hate and are unhappy? There has to be some compromise that suits all to some degree.

What kind of role model would he make for your daughter? How would she expect men to treat women after watching these behaviours/threats? You are making the right decision.

Alexa

I have spent ten years in the ME. I know exactly what it is like. I travel there extensively still. Op is in an incredibly vulnerable position. She is not the first, and definitely won’t be the last. She needs to leave.

Ok so if he is cancelling the visa then he knows you don’t intend to come back. Which isn’t what he wants. I think he will just keep your passports and not cancel the visa. You need to convince him that there is no need to cancel the visa as you will be back after a few weeks. Tell him you want to visit your mum before you are too pregnant to fly.

Sorry my post superseded by others. Good luck and be careful 💐

Ask him to book return flights for a month later so he knows you are coming back.

If he is going to get notified when you get to immigration then leaving does not seem like an option.

Can your family lie about an accident or such stuff which means you have to be out of the country in a hurry.

Do you really want this man to hug your daughter? is he being a loving and supportive father and husband?

A man who is threatening and controlling you does not love you.

Please keep us updated op.
Be careful. Be calm and above all don’t trust anyone inc dh until you are safely home.

There have also been many instances in the past when I have found him chatting to women on dating sites and on Muslim marriage sites.

You should have left him then for that alone. Please don't mention that you won't be going back until you are back in the UK, you don't know how he could switch.

HI OP, agree with PPs.
Keep the passports, contact British consulate for advice.
I'd also seriously think about whether you should terminate the pregnancy (when back in the UK.)
Do you really want another tie to this man?
Added to which, you're starting out without a pot to piss in and all on your own.
Whatever you do, this site is useful.
rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/