Is he emotionally abusive

[lelrx]

I'm with my partner of 2 and a half years, we recently married, I have known him for 10 years but not on the level I do as in a relationship.

My ex used to be emotionally abusive but a completely different kind, he would fall out with me and end our relationship ignore me, lie, sleep with other girls behind my back, he's the main reason for my anxiety. We split up and I realised he was very abusive and understood this only after I left

Fast forward to my now husband who I think is emotionally abusive but in a very different way so I'm struggling to understand how I go about my situation
As a child his step dad used to shout at him for the silliest of things, hit him if he didn't do something in time and so on, abit of a bully and my husband was always very fearful of him, he also used to be physically abusive towards dh's mom
Now that he is an adult I feel this has developed into an anxiety and he can be very angry and destructive
He will get so wound up by the most minor incident for eg, someone swearing at him whilst driving he will forget about road safety to tell the other driver to f off, or speed up etc when I am in the car I'm a very nervous passenger and he isn't the most experienced driver, I usually have ago at him because I feel unsafe and then he will start on me.
I feel I cannot tell him how I feel alot of the time because he shouts and gets angry at me
He often calls me a slag, bitch, vindictive, lazy etc during his outbursts, he usually punches my car if we argue in there, he has punched holes in doors, kicks things, shouts at the dog, punches himself in the head. He has never physically hurt me and he is the nicest person in the world when he isn't having an outburst.
I know he loves me, he would do anything for me, he is actually my best friend, I trust him with my life and he takes me everywhere with him and shows me off to his friends (unlike my ex), I just don't know whether he needs help with his anger or whether he is emotionally abusive and I'm getting confused between the two
Is this what emotional abuse is?

Thank you

It doesn't really matter a jot what you call it, I think, it's whether it's acceptable in a relationship and of course it isn't! No amount of nice behaviour can make up for the fear and intimidation you must feel. Just because he is marginally better that your ex does not make him acceptable. For the record I don't think this is emotional abuse it's abuse and domestic violence.

I'd say that is a mixture of physical and emotional abuse I feel for you op and if he loved you he wouldn't act like this so please don't believe that nonsense

It sounds like he has anger management issues which may or may not get worse in the future.
It is unacceptable that he calls you those names and you should never feel scared to tell him how you feel.

Abuse comes in many forms, I think if it makes you feel scared, intimidated, anxious about when the 'next time' will be then yes, it's abusive. Does he do this in front of others? Family, friends, at work? If not then he obviously can control it, he just chooses not to with you, which again points to abuse rather than an anger management problem. Tbh if it's making you feel scared and anxious it doesn't actually matter which it is, you shouldn't be subjected to that

He needs therapy, counselling, anger management ; hopefully he knows he has problems and is willing to tackle them. If not, that would have to be the end for me.

Emotional abuse? - I don't know what label you might choose to put on it. But he is a prize pillock and I am hard pushed to imagine why you are prepared to spend your life with him. He has no respect for you - and you need to gird up your own self-respect and put your needs first.

He does do it infront of my mom and in public etc which makes me feel really awkward and anxious and it just makes me want to get away so I clam up and don't speak which makes him worse because he's not getting a response from me

It’s abusive, it’s unacceptable, and your life will be better without him in it.

I feel under alot more pressure due to not long being married and having a baby on the way, but I just don't want our daughter around that sort of behaviour and I don't know how much longer I can put up with it, I also know that he doesn't have bad intentions

What does your mum think?

Does he do this at work or just to you?

Do you really consider a man who calls you a slag and a bitch your best freind?

You clearly didn’t get therapy after your ex so you’ve fell into another abusive relationship, your self esteem is very low and women in these abusive relationships always want to help the abusive partner, but he can only help himself.

I think you should leave him and go to therapy and find out why you get into these bad relationships, so that you can see the signs next time, and you stop with the guy before you even begin.

Leave, leave, leave and never go back.

Probably doesn't punch stuff at work but he will have ago at people and call them names also. I feel like my mom sees the same as me in the sense that he's lovely majority of the time but then he's horrible and she goes mad about it and he will apologise etc
I'm not asking you's to be judgemental I'm just asking as an outsider point of view, it's not always easy to see when you're the one in the relationship

Ok so my viewpoint on it this -
He maybe a lovely man for the majority of the time but that doesn’t not make his behaviour acceptable.

That because of his behaviour I would be scared to upset him and modulate my behaviour to avoid conflict and that would not be a way I would choose to live.

That in my view this is not a healthy relationship

I was in a 3 year relationship with some very similar behaviours. I chucked him out and I’ve been much happier, it was making me ill.

We have discussed why he is so angry before and we established that it was due to his home life as a child and I do believe he loves me, he always goes on about how scared he is to lose me, I believe this is because he acknowledges his behaviour
I know its not acceptable but I see the soft side so it makes it really difficult for me, but at the same time his behaviour does affect me
I don't want to leave unless there is another option first

Also I am 25 weeks pregnant which makes it more difficult and only marrying recently I don't want this to fail, I want to at least give it a go before I turn my back on him

Don't stay with an abusive man. Next time he gets angry, he might punch you not the car, or worse, your baby. Its not safe to be around him. Knowing these issues, you should never have married him tbh. Can you stay with your Mum?

We have discussed why he is so angry before and we established that it was due to his home life as a child

So fucking what. It doesn't matter why he does it, it matters that you seem to think that it is OK that he does it to you. What was wrong with your home life as a child that you set your bar so low? Why is it OK for a man to treat you with utter disrespect as long as he 'loves' you?

If he acknowledges that his behaviour is not acceptable, will he go on an anger-management course or attend counselling? If so then you do have a chance. If he won't actually take responsibility but just blames his behaviour on his past then you don't. I think you do need to be really firm with him OP - your baby is already being affected by your stress and anxiety, it's not fair on either of you.

OK, seen your update re pregnancy.

Do you want your child to grow up in an atmosphere where her safety and happiness comes second to Mummy's need to feel loved? Do you want her to have so little respect for herself as a result of her home life that she will live with any abusive tosser who is nice to her occasionally no matter how violent they are the rest of the time?

I'm asking for advice not abuse and currently you're telling me to leave an abusive man by being quite abusive, I would never put my baby in a situation to be in the middle of, hence why I am asking for advice now
My mom lives about 3 hours away from me, my dad passed away when I was younger and I don't have any other family
I only turned to a close friend today because I don't know what to do, I'm meeting with her in a few days so she can talk to me properly

He has agreed to see the gp for a referral but recently my gp hasn't been very proactive with myself and my health so we have discussed changing as he doesn't want to go there because they aren't very good, which again isn't an excuse

I think you should not love with him whilst he gets treatment or whatever, really I think you should leave him, but you don’t want too and I understand that, so if he gets ‘help’ then make sure he doesn’t move back in with you until his ‘help’ is finished.