Is he emotionally abusive

[lelrx]

I'm with my partner of 2 and a half years, we recently married, I have known him for 10 years but not on the level I do as in a relationship.

My ex used to be emotionally abusive but a completely different kind, he would fall out with me and end our relationship ignore me, lie, sleep with other girls behind my back, he's the main reason for my anxiety. We split up and I realised he was very abusive and understood this only after I left

Fast forward to my now husband who I think is emotionally abusive but in a very different way so I'm struggling to understand how I go about my situation
As a child his step dad used to shout at him for the silliest of things, hit him if he didn't do something in time and so on, abit of a bully and my husband was always very fearful of him, he also used to be physically abusive towards dh's mom
Now that he is an adult I feel this has developed into an anxiety and he can be very angry and destructive
He will get so wound up by the most minor incident for eg, someone swearing at him whilst driving he will forget about road safety to tell the other driver to f off, or speed up etc when I am in the car I'm a very nervous passenger and he isn't the most experienced driver, I usually have ago at him because I feel unsafe and then he will start on me.
I feel I cannot tell him how I feel alot of the time because he shouts and gets angry at me
He often calls me a slag, bitch, vindictive, lazy etc during his outbursts, he usually punches my car if we argue in there, he has punched holes in doors, kicks things, shouts at the dog, punches himself in the head. He has never physically hurt me and he is the nicest person in the world when he isn't having an outburst.
I know he loves me, he would do anything for me, he is actually my best friend, I trust him with my life and he takes me everywhere with him and shows me off to his friends (unlike my ex), I just don't know whether he needs help with his anger or whether he is emotionally abusive and I'm getting confused between the two
Is this what emotional abuse is?

Thank you

But he knows by doing that I will worry about him being out of work and how much I get stressed over his driving when he is angry

Look he needs help

"he has punched holes in doors, kicks things, shouts at the dog, punches himself in the head."

But he needs to want help
And you and baby are not going to be safe around him
How can you care for a baby when you have to tread eggshells arou d him?
Leave now
Tell him he seeks help now
You get support from your family

If he threatens to kill himself tell go and if immediate call 999.

If it s true he needs professional help
If he is just saying it to get a rise from You then it s pure abuse
And you can get abusive and mentally ill at the same time.
Either way you cannot sort him out. Only he can. Away from you and baby.

I think it's difficult for me because he causes my anxiety and then he will see that I am anxious and Google things that help someone to feel less anxious and offer me a drink etc it's a vicious circle

Tell gp If he threatening suicide...and call 999 if it's immediate threat

Talk to ypur gp
Talk to ypur midwife
They can point you to help
Next time he shouts or puncheswalls or himself call 999

Which is why he does it. He does it to make you worry, he does it to hurt you. He does it because it puts him back into control and shuts you up. He dies it because he isn’t a very nice man.

This is so sad for you. Personally I doubt he'll change. I was scared to leave my ex, but I knew I had to do it. You can't do it alone, you need back up, either police or friends or Women's Aid. Once he's out he can't come back in the house, as that's when he will be violent to you. Then you will need very strict boundaries.
It will be hard, but he's abusive. He won't change. You and your child deserve to live without fear. I agree with others involve the police.

Missed some posts uothread I was responding to the suicide threats and walking out of work.

To be honest telling you he is googling over how to help you with your anxiety after knowing that he has caused your anxiety in the first place is all kinds of fucked up.

The most important thing is does he want to change and is he really pushing for help? It is he playing along because he thinks that’ll placate you?

In a short while there will be a new born baby crying all hours, taking all of your attention and requiring him to support you, pick up the slack in the house and generally be an adult. He hasn’t even seen a gp to talk about a referral for counselling. My fear is that he will lose it and be calling you a bitch for not keeping the baby quiet when you know he is tired after work and then he’ll be punching holes in your doors. While you are terrified holding your baby.

I would strongly advise that you seek some external help through women’s aid and your gp. You need an impartial viewpoint and some real life support.

The place this puts me in is seeing the good side where he literally does anything I ask, and I see a really vulnerable side to him and I feel like I really want him to get the help for himself but I can't be around it and there's no way my baby is going to be around it either because I know that is exactly how he will be with late nights etc

I feel like I'm so desperate to believe he is not being abusive so I don't have to do this but I know full well he is I have mentioned it in the past and he just tells me it's all me

So steps to take from here are... Get some support, ask him to leave, give him a choice to get help whilst living elsewhere and if he doesn't then call it a day?

Its so difficult because I can imagine how heartbroken he will be but I just can't put myself through it. If for instance we break up and he doesn't get the help where does this leave me in regards to our daughter, should I allow him to see her if so alone or supervised?

Then you know deep down what you have to do. You don’t want to do it because you’re scared of his reaction and you know it’s not going to be easy.

Just imagine how much harder it’s going to be to leave him when you’ve had the baby. Whether it’s forever (and personally I think that’s the right choice) or until he has sorted himself out (at least 12 months of counselling, parenting course, anger management course) he needs to be away from you.

Making that decision is scary but it’s also the bravest thing you can do. For you, and for your little baby

You cross that bridge when you come to it. One battle at a time.
The first thing to do is get him out and be safe. I would advise contacting the police and get support from their D&V officer. Tell friends and family confidentially that you are planning to end the relationship and get their support. Tell your midwife. Ring women’s aid. Get into Entitled to and see why you can claim.

Plan an exit strategy so that you aren’t alone, you have prepacked his stuff, and get the locks changed.

Do not let him know that this is coming because he will either go ballistic and this puts you at risk of being assaulted or go on a charm offensive to make you feel like you are crazy and he isn’t that bad.

You aren’t crazy, none of this is your fault, you can’t change him.

I have questioned it before but coming on here and actually hearing that this is not normal at all makes me realise now that it needs to be fixed
My mom has heard and seen it but I think she doesn't realise either or just doesn't comment because of how much I had ago at her when I was with my ex, I was an angry teenager and thought I was right of course

Yes those are sensible steps, do them. They are steps, so don't worry about what it's, you can decide if and when that's necessary. You must remove this man from your household, he is slowly but surely breaking you down and you cannot afford this with a baby due in 15 weeks.

You might find once you have ended it that she tells you how she really feels. A lot of parents don’t want to alienate their children so they don’t make a fuss even though they maybe mentally screaming “leave him!”

Also use MN. I had a thread up throughout the time I left my ex. Every time I wavered it was invaluable to read back. I used it to plan what to do, I put down specific incidents I had remembered to spur me on. And I really valued the advice and support of the MNetters to carry me through.

I'm too empathetic for this I'm sat here talking to you lot about what my plans are and looking at him across the room and it's breaking my heart knowing that's what I'm planning and he has no idea, I think under all that anger he's just abit of a lost little boy who needs help, I just want him to make the right choices

My mom came to see me earlier and she was asking why I was so quiet, I have just messaged her and told her how I feel, she has asked if I want her to speak to him but it wont do any good

He does need help, unfortunately that lost boy is now a grown man.dont infantilise him, he can make his own choices about how he behaves. He choses to call you names and hit things. He could choose not to but he doesn’t.

But you can’t help him, your relationship is now in a set pattern of behaviours and your responsibility is to protect your baby from growing up in that environment.

You can have empathy, sorrow for what you hoped the future would have been with him. But don’t lose sight of reality.

Oh god no! Your mum can’t have a word with him. That won’t make anything better, more likely to make it ton worse!

I know i have told her not to, she probably thinks she is helping by doing that I will continue to tell her my situation

My husband keeps asking me why I'm so quiet I don't know what to say without crying
I'm just pretending everything is okay 😢

Just tell him you’re tired and head up to bed.

If I ask him to leave will this be a case of breaking up or giving him a chance to fix things
Should I not see or speak to him during this time, what about in regards to pregnancy appointments etc

He doesn’t need to attend pregnancy appointments and it’s entirely up to you whether he attends the birth. Personally I’d have my mum as a birthing partner and he can visit after the birth.
You are never more emotionally vulnerable than when you are in labour. You don’t want additional stress at that time.

In terms of contact I’d keep it minimal and via text and email. He needs to be the one proving he is engaging in counselling and making changes. But I suspect he will harass you for contact and not allow you any space.

He really wants to be at the birth, I feel as though if we arent really in contact it will be awkward, I planned to have him and my mom