Is he emotionally abusive

[lelrx]

I'm with my partner of 2 and a half years, we recently married, I have known him for 10 years but not on the level I do as in a relationship.

My ex used to be emotionally abusive but a completely different kind, he would fall out with me and end our relationship ignore me, lie, sleep with other girls behind my back, he's the main reason for my anxiety. We split up and I realised he was very abusive and understood this only after I left

Fast forward to my now husband who I think is emotionally abusive but in a very different way so I'm struggling to understand how I go about my situation
As a child his step dad used to shout at him for the silliest of things, hit him if he didn't do something in time and so on, abit of a bully and my husband was always very fearful of him, he also used to be physically abusive towards dh's mom
Now that he is an adult I feel this has developed into an anxiety and he can be very angry and destructive
He will get so wound up by the most minor incident for eg, someone swearing at him whilst driving he will forget about road safety to tell the other driver to f off, or speed up etc when I am in the car I'm a very nervous passenger and he isn't the most experienced driver, I usually have ago at him because I feel unsafe and then he will start on me.
I feel I cannot tell him how I feel alot of the time because he shouts and gets angry at me
He often calls me a slag, bitch, vindictive, lazy etc during his outbursts, he usually punches my car if we argue in there, he has punched holes in doors, kicks things, shouts at the dog, punches himself in the head. He has never physically hurt me and he is the nicest person in the world when he isn't having an outburst.
I know he loves me, he would do anything for me, he is actually my best friend, I trust him with my life and he takes me everywhere with him and shows me off to his friends (unlike my ex), I just don't know whether he needs help with his anger or whether he is emotionally abusive and I'm getting confused between the two
Is this what emotional abuse is?

Thank you

I have discussed with my mom about speaking to him and she said she will come over and mediate whilst I have that conversation so im not alone

What is your plan for the outcome of that conversation? Because if it involves him leaving you need to be organised and have stuff packed. I put all of my ex’s into bin bags and then put them inside the wardrobe. I knew he wouldn’t check and then they were ready to go with him. I’d also packed any medication, personal documents, etc.

I honestly think he needs to go, anything less will just be brushed under the carpet and nothing will change.

To ask him to stay with his mom whilst he sorts his behaviour out, I just feel worse because it's all going to be planned without him having a clue and having his stuff ready I just don't think it will end well because it will be a case of everyone else discussing his situation without him having any idea then he's just going to be chucked out. I don't want anyone to feel abandoned like that and it's really hurting me to think that is going to happen 😢

So you have the conversation and then wait for several hours while he packs his stuff? Will your mum wait with you? What if he kicks off?

Oh and don’t forget if he wasnt being a dickhead he wouldn’t be getting asked to leave. Therefore he isn’t being ‘abandoned’ he is reaping the rewards of his own making.

I know i understand what you mean I just think I'm going to find it really hard, it's easier said than done. My mom will stick around as much as I need her I'm sure she will pack his stuff for me if I ask her

Stopped when u got to 'he often calls me slag'. Holy crap on a cracker. No one says that to someone they remotely respect let alone love. ...no one normal and sane would even use that word full stop.
Anger is not an excuse! This on its own is abuse and definitely grounds for divorce.

Goes back to read more
What.the.actual.
Literally get away from this person now. How many physically abusive partners do u think start off by hitting a person? Nah, the majority start with expelatives and hitting inanimate objects. And its tolerated. So then they start hitting u.

Either way, never allow anyone to be violent in your presence or to call you derogatory names. It isnt normal, excusable or fixable.

Don't just walk away, run for the hills. Im so sorry u have met a bad person (which he is) twice. But you don't deserve it. Don't ever make excuses for this sort of behaviour.

And 'abandoned' ? Nah, he isn't a pet or a naughty child he is a grown adult and a bully at that. Don't feel guilty, you owe an abuser nothing.

Of course you are going to find it hard, you are fighting yourself over this because there’s a big part of you that wants him to stay, for him to comfort you and be the person you believed he was.

Do not show him any of that emotion, you need to be unemotional and factual. I repeated “this isn’t working for me any more” when he asked me why. I didn’t mention his temper, the lack of any help around the house, the money he owed me etc. I just kept repeating it.

If I had said anymore than that I would have given him something to argue about. “I’ll do better, I’ll pay you back, you wind me up”. Don’t give him any chance to do that. I had to deal with my ex begging on his knees but I stood firm. He went without a fight and the relief was massive.

And how did you manage your emotions? I think hormones are making it worse for me 😩 I care too much I'm scared that he will do something to himself I just can't help but think the worst

Also, it's just not all about how he feels. Pay attention to how YOU feel and what's right for you and your baby! So much of what you write is about his feelings, is very telling.

Cross post just when you said something about what you feel:)

I also think I'm finding it challenging because when I'm usually upset about something or feeling crap he's the person I go to and he comforts me but in this situation I can't so I feel as though I'm keeping it to myself

I mentally prepared for it. I thought about all of the many many times he had treated me badly, spending my 40th birthday in tears because he was a nasty piece of work all day, of the little things that had happened that showed me he didn’t love and care for me. And I was honest with myself about how deeply unhappy I was.

And I realised that it wasn’t ever going to change. That he could sit there and cry and beg but he was only crying for himself. He didn’t want to lose the house, his meals cooked, sex when he wanted, money when he was short of cash. He didn’t actually care about me. About how his actions had hurt me, repeatedly. Because in his head he was more important.

And what was the stuff that made you feel like he did care? What was the stuff that made you stay for so long?

Oh there’s too much to mention! It’s easier to say why I stayed. I’d had a failed relationship with my dd’s dad. I met my ex 2 years later. He made me feel special, he took me out, he was funny. The criticisms started slowly and I didn’t really notice at first. By the time I realised how unhappy I was, how much my life revolves around making him happy, how he made everything my fault yet was the laziest moodiest angriest man, I felt trapped.
We were supposed to be getting married so I distracted myself with that for a bit. I told myself it wasn’t all bad, there were good points.
Eventually I realised I felt sick when I thought of getting married, that I felt like I was no longer a person but a servant. He used to put his hand up and tell me that was enough he didn’t want to hear me speaking anymore if I criticised him. He would look a time me sometimes if I argued back like he wanted to kill me. Barely restrained fury and he would kick things and scream.
Ultimately I did it for my dd, I didn’t want her growing up seeing that relationship as normal because it wasn’t. Very far from it. I am so glad I ended it for myself too. I am a calmer happier person.

Misread your post and thought you asked about things he did that showed he didn’t care.

Things he did do
Make me a cup of tea
Take me out for a drink/meal (then leave me while he chatted to all of his friends)
Bought me flowers
Good sex life

That was about it really. I’d been single 2 years and had very little social life. He paid me attention and I liked that. I have a much better radar these days!

I feel like I have been pushed and pushed and I just want to get out of this situation, it's breaking me down but the whole time I thought he was making me better. Looking from the outside everyone thinks our relationship is perfect, I am very private and like to keep arguments to ourselves because I don't want people to think bad of him when he's yelling at me and calling me names but I guess I'm just protecting him and allowing the behaviour because the less people know the better he's gonna look 😢

My husband would be perfect if it wasn't for his anger, that's the problem he is so lovely to me that I genuinely believe he doesn't mean the bad stuff and I do think he relies on me alot, his family are shit so I think I just feel sorry for him, I feel like I have to take care of him. But it's not my responsibility

I understand that, it’s how I felt too. The relationship moved at his pace not mine and I felt like I wasn’t in control of anything.

Nobody knows what really goes on in other people’s relationships. The bits we let people see isn’t the true reality. Many ‘lovely’ couples are hiding domestic violence, drug abuse, huge debts etc

You are his wife not his mother. You are meant to be a partnership.
You feel like you need to care for him and fix him because of his past and he knows he can scream at you call you names and hit things because you don’t leave. Therefore it’s ok to treat you like that.

Look up co-dependant relationships. I suspect you are an empath (with low self esteem) and he is an abuser. Together that’s toxic.

I don't want to be another one of those failed marriages, this isn't what I wanted so I think I'm trying to protect myself from being talked about, we only got married in October and now with a baby on the way I feel people will have alot to say and I know i shouldn't care what they think but they see all of the good bits on social media so I know it will be talked about. After my ex i was single for 4 years and didn't see anybody of sleep with anybody so I could heal and because I didn't want to have to find comfort in another relationship and get to know someone and meet their families etc now I know that's something I'm going to have to do all over again and it really frightens me

Nobody set out to ‘fail’, but life happens. It isn t all about failure anyway, you are having a baby that’s a big positive.
The stats for marriages breaking up in the first year are quite high. My Nan used to say this weeks news is next weeks fish and chip papers. Stay off social media, your real friends will have your phone number anyway so you don’t need to share anything on Facebook.

And don’t worry about another relationship yet!
In fact if I were you I’d do the freedom course with women’s aid and read ‘why does he do that’ Lundy Bancroft.
Focus on yourself and your baby.