Is he emotionally abusive

[lelrx]

I'm with my partner of 2 and a half years, we recently married, I have known him for 10 years but not on the level I do as in a relationship.

My ex used to be emotionally abusive but a completely different kind, he would fall out with me and end our relationship ignore me, lie, sleep with other girls behind my back, he's the main reason for my anxiety. We split up and I realised he was very abusive and understood this only after I left

Fast forward to my now husband who I think is emotionally abusive but in a very different way so I'm struggling to understand how I go about my situation
As a child his step dad used to shout at him for the silliest of things, hit him if he didn't do something in time and so on, abit of a bully and my husband was always very fearful of him, he also used to be physically abusive towards dh's mom
Now that he is an adult I feel this has developed into an anxiety and he can be very angry and destructive
He will get so wound up by the most minor incident for eg, someone swearing at him whilst driving he will forget about road safety to tell the other driver to f off, or speed up etc when I am in the car I'm a very nervous passenger and he isn't the most experienced driver, I usually have ago at him because I feel unsafe and then he will start on me.
I feel I cannot tell him how I feel alot of the time because he shouts and gets angry at me
He often calls me a slag, bitch, vindictive, lazy etc during his outbursts, he usually punches my car if we argue in there, he has punched holes in doors, kicks things, shouts at the dog, punches himself in the head. He has never physically hurt me and he is the nicest person in the world when he isn't having an outburst.
I know he loves me, he would do anything for me, he is actually my best friend, I trust him with my life and he takes me everywhere with him and shows me off to his friends (unlike my ex), I just don't know whether he needs help with his anger or whether he is emotionally abusive and I'm getting confused between the two
Is this what emotional abuse is?

Thank you

I'm asking for advice not abuse and currently you're telling me to leave an abusive man by being quite abusive, I would never put my baby in a situation to be in the middle of, hence why I am asking for advice now

lelrx, would you agree that your baby is going to be born into an atmosphere of domestic violence? Seriously - he does this to your Mum and in public etc etc (bet he doesn't do it to his boss though, eh?) so what are you hoping will happen?

The sentiment is the same though, whether it’s said nicely or not then most of us agree that you should leave him.

I absolutely would leave, the problem is I live in my mom's house, she has moved in with her boyfriend 3 hours away so he's the one with somewhere to go, I don't
I work from home it's been my home for 13 years we have just taken over rent etc

What do you mean by you live in your mums house and she’s moved in with her boyfriend, and your ex has somewhere to go and you don’t? I’m confused?

My mom owns the house myself and my husband live in, he moved in with myself and my mom and then recently my mom moved in with her boyfriend which is 3 hours away so we pay the bills (rent) to her as its cheaper than moving into somewhere and renting elsewhere

Sounds like you’re in the better position and he would be the one looking for a home if you decided to split?

My husband could go and stay with him mom or brother, my mom lives 3 hours away so I couldn't leave and stay with her due to work and also wouldnt want to as its my mom's house, it would make more sense to ask him to leave
I just don't know how to go about it because If I do as he will probably have an outburst

Honestly I think he should leave and seek some help if he is serious about Anger management and counselling )and isn’t just saying it because he thinks that is what you want to hear).

I would advise not being alone when you tell him. Have a friend or family member with you. Don’t be afraid to involve the police if he kicks off.

With there currently not being any animosity I don't want to just randomly ask him to leave

And don’t leave the house, he needs to leave not you.

I think the main question is : do you want to try counselling or do you want to split up?

Would you rather he live outside the house whilst you go through counselling?

But you could have a rational discussion with him about your concerns. Or are you worried that he would escalate into an aggressive situation?

Perhaps him access anger management and you get some personal counselling, to help you navigate your feelings?

Yeah I just feel as though I'm just realising what's going on, and it's difficult when there's really good episodes in between, it is quite confusing for me
As much as I don't want another outburst I feel that's the only time I can address the matter

Yeah even addressing it concerns me that he will have an outburst because nothing has happened I feel he won't understand why I have brought it up
I want to discuss with my mom and see what she advises but my mom's abit of a pain sometimes and gets too involved and can perhaps make the problem even worse

So yet again you are basically scared of him. Scared to ask him to leave YOUR family home, because he is being abusive to you at regular intervals. You need to bite the bullet and tell him, maybe with someone else present. His outbursts are only going to get worse with a baby crying the place down.

For me it would be best if he stayed at his mom's but he is very persistent and expresses how frightened he is of losing me, then the threats to drive into a tree and it makes me hysterical because I don't want that kind of blame if he did anything and I know he probably wouldn't do it but then when he's in a rage he literally punches himself in the head and he doesn't think about anything

It’s a difficult trap to be honest. They are awful and it’s absolutely easy to say things need to end. Then they ok and you start to minimise what happened. You want to address their behaviour but you don’t want to set off another episode. And you know they’ll blame you for spoiling it.
And then something trivial will set it off again and your back to car thumping and kicking doors.
It’s a cycle, a horrible cycle where you are never fully able to relax and be yourself. I lived with constant anxiety and stress.

I usually address things over message whilst he is at work as i find it easier, I'm quite a reserved person and don't like to argue especially in company, it makes me feel really silly
He still gets angry over message and then threatens to leave work and lose his job over me addressing what has upset me, he's not back in for a few days now and Im currently sat opposite him I really want to cry because I just feel so confused and lost about what to do and when to do it

Him being persistent like that is about controlling you. It’s about him deciding what he wants and takes no account of your feelings at all.
As for the suicide threats? That would be his decision but honestly he sounds driven by anger not clinically depressed. Very unlikely he would even attempt suicide. Very likely he will threaten it to keep you in the relationship.
I haven’t asked but how is the rest of your relationship? Is he good around the house? Financially fair?

I have suffered with anxiety for years now and I know Im getting bad again, not seeing friends, bottling up and crying behind closed doors, I know when I get bad again and I can feel it happening but I also am in a place where I don't really have anyone to turn to, especially when everyone else sees all the lovely things he does and not the real bad name calling and aggression I deal with, I feel as if I mention it people will just think I'm making it up

So he silences you by telling you his behaviour is your fault.
He’s a grown man. If someone upsets you do you walk out of work and threaten to drive into a tree?

It honestly doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. But you might be surprised, my ex was the life and soul of the party. Always telling people how much he loved me etc. Nobody was surprised when we split up and a lot of his ‘friends’ said they thought I was well rid of him.
I also had a history of anxiety and depression, I was heavily medicated. A year later and I haven’t been on medication for 10 months. I’m coping with life and I’m a much stronger person than I thought I was.

He's quite lazy around the house but I think I have this idea of men being careless and leaving things lying around because people say 'typical man' and its just looked at as normal men behaviour but I do have to comment about stuff around the house all the time, when I ask him to do stuff he says he works 12 hour shifts so he's tired. Financially he will spend money and give me money as I need but he has alot to pay out so we do struggle sometimes cause I feel I have to help him out

Sadly I’m not surprised about the housework. It all smacks of entitlement.