Evening ladies. This is my first post - I can’t tell friends and family about this, so hoping for some support from the group.
I’ve been married to my husband for 4 years, together for 8 years. I’m 32 weeks pregnant with our 2nd child. My husband dropped a bombshell a few weeks ago and said that he thinks he’d be better off on his own and we’d be better off without him. He didn’t leave and we seemed to work it out but we’d keep coming back to it. Long story short, we’ve realised that he was suffering with postnatal depression after the birth of our first child. He loved her from the off but struggled with being a father and we had a lot of change in our lives around that time. Now there is a second one on the way and it’s like he’s gone into panic mode and retreated again. I love him so much and said we can get through it, that I’ll support him and that’s when he told me that he’d fucked up and went to a massage parlour 2 years ago when our baby was 10 months old. It was a Thai one. He said he genuinely went just for a massage after a few drinks while he was staying in London and feeling stressed. He walked past it and it wasnt planned, though she was topless and he was told to take all of his clothes off so I said he must have known but he said he wasn’t thinking straight. She started with the massage and then asked if he wanted extra, he said yes and she started giving him a hand job, then she said more and he just said ok and she gave him a condom which he put on. This had all lasted about 10 mins so far. Then she got on top of him and had sex with him for what he said was only a few mins (not that it really matters how long) before he felt like something wasn’t right and stopped her. He checked the condom and it had split. At that point, it dawned on him what he was doing, he panicked and ran out - again not that this should make a difference but he didn’t cum. He said he got to his hotel, showered because he felt so dirty and just tried to bury it and move on. He said he felt guilty but he just couldn’t bring himself to tell me. He has been suffering with groin pain since around the time that he cheated but has been to a GP twice and is seeing a specialist next week but the reason this has all surfaced, about cheating on me, is that he’s scared that he’s hurt the baby somehow. I had my bloods done at the start of my pregnancy so I know I am all clear of HIV & syphillis. He said it was that one time and it’s never ever been anything he’s been tempted to do again and at the risk of sounding like a fool, I do believe him. I know he told me everything. I never thought I’d be the woman standing by her man in this instance but I love him - I love our family and we’re a pretty good unit the majority of the time. What is truly devastating me is that because he did what he did, he thinks that maybe that means he doesn’t love me. Even though this happened 2 years ago and we’ve had some amazing times both as a couple and as a family since then, he can’t bring himself to say he loves me, despite me telling him that I love him. He does want to try to make it work - to seek the help he needs for post and prenatal depression and he already looks visibly more relaxed since telling me - lucky him! I, on the other hand, am a wreck that can’t sleep. If it happened yesterday then I’d be saying the same thing - that he doesn’t love me - but it was 2 years ago and I have felt loved in that time. I sound like a total pushover but I’m pregnant with his 2nd child and his first child adores him, they have a great relationship now and I can’t just turn my feelings for him off. I just don’t know how to get over what he did, how to stop visualising it and I don’t know how I can stick it out if ultimately, he’s not sure that he loves me anyway. He did say that he knows he wasn’t in his right mind but it’s almost like he needs a therapist to say “what you did doesn’t mean you don’t love your wife” when I just want him to look at me and know that he does. Does that make sense? Sorry for the essay. Any pearls of wisdom or advice would be greatly appreciated. I’m pregnant so copious amounts of wine aren’t an option unfortunately.