Husband went to a massage parlour 2 years ago

[missbell3]

Evening ladies. This is my first post - I can’t tell friends and family about this, so hoping for some support from the group.

I’ve been married to my husband for 4 years, together for 8 years. I’m 32 weeks pregnant with our 2nd child. My husband dropped a bombshell a few weeks ago and said that he thinks he’d be better off on his own and we’d be better off without him. He didn’t leave and we seemed to work it out but we’d keep coming back to it. Long story short, we’ve realised that he was suffering with postnatal depression after the birth of our first child. He loved her from the off but struggled with being a father and we had a lot of change in our lives around that time. Now there is a second one on the way and it’s like he’s gone into panic mode and retreated again. I love him so much and said we can get through it, that I’ll support him and that’s when he told me that he’d fucked up and went to a massage parlour 2 years ago when our baby was 10 months old. It was a Thai one. He said he genuinely went just for a massage after a few drinks while he was staying in London and feeling stressed. He walked past it and it wasnt planned, though she was topless and he was told to take all of his clothes off so I said he must have known but he said he wasn’t thinking straight. She started with the massage and then asked if he wanted extra, he said yes and she started giving him a hand job, then she said more and he just said ok and she gave him a condom which he put on. This had all lasted about 10 mins so far. Then she got on top of him and had sex with him for what he said was only a few mins (not that it really matters how long) before he felt like something wasn’t right and stopped her. He checked the condom and it had split. At that point, it dawned on him what he was doing, he panicked and ran out - again not that this should make a difference but he didn’t cum. He said he got to his hotel, showered because he felt so dirty and just tried to bury it and move on. He said he felt guilty but he just couldn’t bring himself to tell me. He has been suffering with groin pain since around the time that he cheated but has been to a GP twice and is seeing a specialist next week but the reason this has all surfaced, about cheating on me, is that he’s scared that he’s hurt the baby somehow. I had my bloods done at the start of my pregnancy so I know I am all clear of HIV & syphillis. He said it was that one time and it’s never ever been anything he’s been tempted to do again and at the risk of sounding like a fool, I do believe him. I know he told me everything. I never thought I’d be the woman standing by her man in this instance but I love him - I love our family and we’re a pretty good unit the majority of the time. What is truly devastating me is that because he did what he did, he thinks that maybe that means he doesn’t love me. Even though this happened 2 years ago and we’ve had some amazing times both as a couple and as a family since then, he can’t bring himself to say he loves me, despite me telling him that I love him. He does want to try to make it work - to seek the help he needs for post and prenatal depression and he already looks visibly more relaxed since telling me - lucky him! I, on the other hand, am a wreck that can’t sleep. If it happened yesterday then I’d be saying the same thing - that he doesn’t love me - but it was 2 years ago and I have felt loved in that time. I sound like a total pushover but I’m pregnant with his 2nd child and his first child adores him, they have a great relationship now and I can’t just turn my feelings for him off. I just don’t know how to get over what he did, how to stop visualising it and I don’t know how I can stick it out if ultimately, he’s not sure that he loves me anyway. He did say that he knows he wasn’t in his right mind but it’s almost like he needs a therapist to say “what you did doesn’t mean you don’t love your wife” when I just want him to look at me and know that he does. Does that make sense? Sorry for the essay. Any pearls of wisdom or advice would be greatly appreciated. I’m pregnant so copious amounts of wine aren’t an option unfortunately.

It’s easy for others to say leave him but your pregnant right now so very difficult. Why don’t you just have him here just now helping with new baby, as he should and set a plan in motion to leave when your baby is a few months old and your hormones have all settled down etc, get finances etc, in order.

When new baby comes I should add.

Well rid of that one @tomatostottie what a discussing little man

OP you sound like you have a really sensible head on your shoulders. You’ve had some quite strong responses to your initial post and are keeping an open mind.

FWIW I think you are doing the right thing with counselling. Re STI testing, perhaps, to be on the safe side, get tested for all STIs including the ones already done. And if/when he gets his done, make sure you have sightof all results, or go with him if received in person.

Trust is so important in a relationship, as is honesty

OP will you have support once baby is here? In my experience, the postnatal hormones can change you outlook on life and the people in it drastically and overnight. Please be prepared for your feelings to completely crash down. And have others around you who are aware of the situation.

How much do you love him?
Saying that he is a CF. There is no such thing as pre and pnd for men. What about your needs? He may be depressed but then what has that got to do with him shagging a prossie? I send you lots of love. You are important think about your children and your needs not his. He needs to grow up and smell the coffee. Fuck him. Dirty bastard.

Really sorry that you are put in that position it must be horrible, especially being pregnant. I do have to say I agree with everyone else your husband does not have any respect for you or his unborn child, it does sound like the whole pnd is a complete excuse there is no excuse to do that!!. No way would he walk into a Thai parlour for a "massage". I honestly don't believe you could treat someone you love like that. You deserve much better.

Oh OP. Your message struck such a chord with me as when I was 40 weeks pregnant with dc2 I discovered my DH had cheated 4 years previously. Not quite as dramatically (it was a kiss and emotional affair) but still devastating for me.

I was determined to keep my family together - and I have. We’re now 10 months down the line. But it has been SO hard and there’s been many times I wished I had the choice of leaving, which at 40 weeks pregnant I didn’t feel I had.

I can’t tell you yet if it has been worth it, but considering what your DH has done (and I also think his story is made up and he has done much worse than what he says, I’m so sorry), I would urge you to consider leaving him. Once the baby’s here it will be so much harder. It may also ruin the experience of the newborn baby for you. Please listen to me as I am talking from experience. Please don’t have your choices taken away from you, like I feel mine were.

Wishing all the best and strength, and I hope that when the baby comes you can enjoy every precious moment.

if it does transpire that his views on this situation and on love are different to mine

You already knew w they are different, you'd never have done something like this to him or someone you loved, would you?

Estrellita has hit so many nails on the head in her post (I wrote like I believed the masseur prostitute story but it actually seems like " how can I get around her finding out I've cheated in the least "emotional" intentional way possible?

• I was drunk
• I was depressed & stressed
• it was a sex worker
• it wasn't planned
• it was accidental

-i was passive

• I didn't mount her, she sat on me
• I didn't climax
• I felt so dirty after

Plus the manipulative " I'm so fucked uo, I don't know what's wrong with me, I couldn't live someone and do this, could I, oh I just don't know".

Only thing he hadn't hit yet is drugs, being spiked, memory loss, temporary insanity and sex addiction.

*know

• love someone

He doesn't deserve you op, I know it's a cliche but he doesn't.

"Couples cancelling" is a Freudian typo and a half. OP. This douche does not deserve you.

So many men think that all masseuses are sex workers and I’ve heard of a few stories where men have been slapped for trying it on with a professional masseuse! That’s some men for you, idiots.

As you want to try and make a go if it I suggest you look up Esther Perel she is a therapist who has written books as done podcasts which may be helpful for you, in addition to the counselling.

@bell, you are struggling to get your balance, but you’re walking on shifting sands created by his deception, infidelity and selfishness.

The Thai prostitute story is totally implausible. I believe he still has secrets and you do not have the full truth. He admitted cheating because he had no choice, but the true details are a mystery. Until you have all the facts, you won’t know what you’re forgiving, and you will not move forward with authentic intimacy. Also, counseling obviously can’t be effective when one partner is lying.

Undisputed facts are his dishonesty, selfishness, and sense of entitlement to cheat, keep secrets, and put your health and your children’s health in jeopardy. He also robbed you of your right to choose and consent.

You say he is no player, but players wear many disguises and he is not at home 24/7. If someone wants to cheat, he/she will find a way.

I am truly sorry that you’re having to endure all this torment.

I'm sorry OP, but as others have said, he's completely minimising what he did and making it sound like something that happened to him, an unfortunate series of events, rather than taking responsibility for it.

I'm quite taken aback by the passivity and acceptance of the situation in your posts.

I’m always astounded when women will forgive the payment for sex. It says so much about how a man feels about women that I wouldn’t want to raise daughters with that man.

Oh OP. One thing I am utterly sure of is that some time, 1 yr, 5yrs maybe even 15 not terribly happy years from now, you will have to deal with this man and it will be even more painful than now, not least for the time you’ll have lost off your life.
You’re in shock and denial. Take time. Think think think and don’t ignore your gut.

Sorry you are going through this. As some PPs have advised, please get all the STI bloods done again, as well as the swabs. You can't trust what your husband says to be true. If you are prepared to continue having sex with him (personally I'd kick him out but it's your relationship, not mine), you need to know his STI status as even if your tests now are clear, if he has an STI or gets one from cheating at a later date and he is having unprotected sex with you, you remain at risk. I hope your tests come back ok x

"Many people cheat for a myriad of reasons, it genuinely doesn't mean that they don't love their partners."
But Op stated that he told her he thinks he doesn't love her, and that he hasn't told her he loves her since, even when she tells him.
I think everyone's saying to leave or that he's lying because they have personal experience. If you have had something similar happen to you and you still want to work it out, fine. But if you e
haven't experienced it, maybe you should listen to people who've been there.

Missbell3,
I've been concerned for you. Did your further STD tests come back ok? Still in counseling? Has he been treating you better, is he sure now that he loves you? And you have to be near your due date by now. Could you check in with us, please? Let us know if you're ok?

Hey @beenwhereyouare,

Thanks for checking in - so thoughtful. STIs came back all clear for both of us. Urologist gave him antibiotics which did nothing. He also had an ultrasound which showed nothing. He’s now been prescribed antidepressants, not for depression but to treat what the urologist describes at psychosomatic pains - in other words, he has built up the pain in his head out of guilt/anguish and the way to treat that is through antidepressants to treat the nerve ending in the brain. I was with him at appointments so know all this to be true. We’ve had 5 counselling sessions together and apart, which have been really good for both of us. I really believe it’s what he said it was - that one instance 2 years ago. He’s taken responsibility and has learned from it straight away. Obviously I think he’s a f idiot for so many reasons but we’re working through it - he does love me and has been doing everything he can to show me that now and make me feel safe again. Obviously it’s hard and I have good days and shitty dark days but overall, the relationship feels better - I feel like I’m getting more of what I need from it too, thanks to the counselling. DH accepts his fate - meaning he sucks it up when I’m feeling shitty about it all. There are triggers and reminders but I hope with time, they’ll get easier too.

In happier news, baby arrived last week. She’s incredible - just perfect. We are both smitten.

I dont think I’ve made a mistake sticking with him - time will tell but I’ve made a decision to forgive him and try to move forward and it feels like the right decision.

Thanks so much for checking on me and caring.

[Edited by MNHQ to remove RL names]

Congrats on the baby, just so you know, dh name is on your last post.

Congratulations on your baby

I hope you and dh work it out and that he genuinely has stopped shagging prostitutes.