Husband went to a massage parlour 2 years ago

[missbell3]

Evening ladies. This is my first post - I can’t tell friends and family about this, so hoping for some support from the group.

I’ve been married to my husband for 4 years, together for 8 years. I’m 32 weeks pregnant with our 2nd child. My husband dropped a bombshell a few weeks ago and said that he thinks he’d be better off on his own and we’d be better off without him. He didn’t leave and we seemed to work it out but we’d keep coming back to it. Long story short, we’ve realised that he was suffering with postnatal depression after the birth of our first child. He loved her from the off but struggled with being a father and we had a lot of change in our lives around that time. Now there is a second one on the way and it’s like he’s gone into panic mode and retreated again. I love him so much and said we can get through it, that I’ll support him and that’s when he told me that he’d fucked up and went to a massage parlour 2 years ago when our baby was 10 months old. It was a Thai one. He said he genuinely went just for a massage after a few drinks while he was staying in London and feeling stressed. He walked past it and it wasnt planned, though she was topless and he was told to take all of his clothes off so I said he must have known but he said he wasn’t thinking straight. She started with the massage and then asked if he wanted extra, he said yes and she started giving him a hand job, then she said more and he just said ok and she gave him a condom which he put on. This had all lasted about 10 mins so far. Then she got on top of him and had sex with him for what he said was only a few mins (not that it really matters how long) before he felt like something wasn’t right and stopped her. He checked the condom and it had split. At that point, it dawned on him what he was doing, he panicked and ran out - again not that this should make a difference but he didn’t cum. He said he got to his hotel, showered because he felt so dirty and just tried to bury it and move on. He said he felt guilty but he just couldn’t bring himself to tell me. He has been suffering with groin pain since around the time that he cheated but has been to a GP twice and is seeing a specialist next week but the reason this has all surfaced, about cheating on me, is that he’s scared that he’s hurt the baby somehow. I had my bloods done at the start of my pregnancy so I know I am all clear of HIV & syphillis. He said it was that one time and it’s never ever been anything he’s been tempted to do again and at the risk of sounding like a fool, I do believe him. I know he told me everything. I never thought I’d be the woman standing by her man in this instance but I love him - I love our family and we’re a pretty good unit the majority of the time. What is truly devastating me is that because he did what he did, he thinks that maybe that means he doesn’t love me. Even though this happened 2 years ago and we’ve had some amazing times both as a couple and as a family since then, he can’t bring himself to say he loves me, despite me telling him that I love him. He does want to try to make it work - to seek the help he needs for post and prenatal depression and he already looks visibly more relaxed since telling me - lucky him! I, on the other hand, am a wreck that can’t sleep. If it happened yesterday then I’d be saying the same thing - that he doesn’t love me - but it was 2 years ago and I have felt loved in that time. I sound like a total pushover but I’m pregnant with his 2nd child and his first child adores him, they have a great relationship now and I can’t just turn my feelings for him off. I just don’t know how to get over what he did, how to stop visualising it and I don’t know how I can stick it out if ultimately, he’s not sure that he loves me anyway. He did say that he knows he wasn’t in his right mind but it’s almost like he needs a therapist to say “what you did doesn’t mean you don’t love your wife” when I just want him to look at me and know that he does. Does that make sense? Sorry for the essay. Any pearls of wisdom or advice would be greatly appreciated. I’m pregnant so copious amounts of wine aren’t an option unfortunately.

@TildaTurnip this is so true and would you believe, the thing I am struggling with the most. Dicking about is one thing. Putting my health at risk over & over again is something I’m really struggling to make sense of. Thanks for your support x

You sound like a very loving and calm person. I hope he knows how bloody lucky he is. I admire you for thinking the best in him and attempting to go forward. I do think you'll have to get to the bottom of his behaviour though. I find men who visit these kind of places and enjoy illicit seedy sex usually have sime kind of issues and they're addicted to that kind of sex. I suppose it's an escapism. Sounds like he's touched on some of the issues. I don't think that urge or desire will just go away if he doesn't address the underlying cause. Please please please make sure he follows through with the counselling. If he backs out you seriously need to think about plan b which is leaving. A bloody hard option but you don't want a future full of stress anxiety and mistrust. Very best of luck. You really do sound like a lovely person. Many a woman would have ripped him to shreds

He's playing you for a fool, sorry.

It's very shocking and painful and hard I know, bug I don't think staying with him, going for counselling etc is going to work out for you.

He repeatedly had sex with you after using a prostitute (he knew what he was doing going into that 'massage' parlour), including trying to conceive a child - putting your health and the unborn child's health at serious risk. If he was remotely decent (and he's not just from the prostitute alone) why didn't he tell you and get you checked out before you conceived your child? Did you even discuss the sexual screening you were going to have; if he was decent he would have told you anyway because hsv for example is (to my understanding) not testable for unless you have an outbreak (an outbreak that could've damaged your unborn child).

Overall he's a scumbag and a fucked up man, you're in shock and denial but you're probably going to see it, and suffer for it, sooner or later.

He's also incapable of taking responsibility for his actions and decisions, making everything about the massage parlour sec sound so accidental and passive on his part; it wasn't.

He probably agreed what he was getting and the price beforehand, they wouldn't want to risk arguing and haggling and aggro from the 'customer' afterward. maybe a massage parlour worker could confirm this (though i don't think any of the sex workers on herd work in massage parlours).

There's no point going to counselling with him and individual counseling for him will probably just result in a whole pile more "poor me", no responsibility, naval gazing, , I'm so special and tormented and confused, excuse after excuse bullshit too. You're on a loser with this and him.

The pond excuse was disgraceful too.

*pnd

I'm sorry to have to so harsh and I'm sorry he's done this to you and your kids.

(one last thing - you seem to be deciding this based on whether he (still) loves you; maybe he does .. but the important thing is that some people's brand of 'love' is not worth having, some people's brand of love will damage your mental health; he seems to be falling into that category.

whole pile more "poor me", no responsibility, naval gazing, , I'm so special and tormented and confused, excuse after excuse bullshit too. You're on a loser with this and him.
I've just come out of a relationship like that. It makes you ill in the end.
5 years of this shit and then the minute you say, hey, I need some help here, he's off whatsapping other woman and drinking himself silly. Or in your case, HE has PND and accidentally shags a prostitute but doesn't cum, then it's all poor him bullshit.

OP, I really hope that it is a one off. It could be. But the next time he gives you the slightest indication of anything get him gone. Straightaway. No second chances.

He's lying. Lying about all of it. We recently discovered that a close family member has been behaving like this with prostitutes and it's been going on for years and years and years. He's into all sorts of stuff and since his wife found out, he's started laying all the blame at her door. PND, she didn't love him in the way he needed to be loved, if she had only consented to do the things he likes, he wouldn't have had to pay a professional - on and on it goes.
I'm a big fan of counselling but in these cases its a waste of time. He's addicted and has only confessed to the full extent of it over a period of weeks - drip drip drip of ever more lurid information.
Get rid.

Do you think that someone who was so drunk they didn't realise what they were doing would have the presence of mind to check if a condom had split if they suddenly panicked? You know him best, what is he like when he's almost paralytic?

I can’t believe he would be so cruel after telling you that to then add that he might not love you. My heart absolutely aches for you and I really, really hope that he hasn’t given you anything nasty and does not do this again. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this on top of being pregnant

He’s done a right number of you...

No one will say "told you so" OP. Everyone wants to be proved wrong, for your sake.

Sorry OP but I think he is lying and you are likely in for bigger shocks to come.

Cheaters typically only admit to the minimum they can conceivably 'get away' with, so this could be a hell of a lot worse.

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please reconsider your acceptance of his story. It really does sound deliberately and carefully concocted to both minimize responsibility & agency (for him) and spare pain (for you). So many red flags. Just wandering in for a massage, being stressed, being drunk, suffering from depression, massage progressing to hand job & sex (like this wouldn't have been agreed up front with the payment), the condom splitting - then him denying himself an orgasm and running away in horror only to confess 2 years later when STI symptoms arise. It is all way, way too neat and tidy and each element serves the purpose stated above - minimization of his role & emotional protection for you.

The first thing I thought on reading this is that he has a history of infidelity and has recently had unprotected sex with someone. Probably not a sex worker as they are scrupulous about protection and regularly tested.

You need to find out what is really going on here. His self-loathing is very real I'm sure but I seriously doubt that his story is. Counseling could certainly help you guys to understand why he's been unfaithful and how to heal from that, but he needs to be honest with you first. I don't think he will be unfortunately. More likely, he will cling to this fabrication, especially since you appear to have accepted it.

Understand that this must be terrible, especially being pregnant with baby so soon arriving. If you don't feel comfortable looking for evidence (checking phone etc) then raise the issue when you get to counseling. Tell him that you doubt his story, you think there's more too it - then watch his reaction.

Take care OP ❤️

So sorry you’re having to deal with this OP, you shouldn’t have to. 💐

However it strikes me that the only reason he’s coming up with this - frankly cock and bull - story now is that he’s worried what the specialist might have to say, and is trying to cover his sorry a*se in advance.

I’m so sorry, but start protecting your own interests and those of your children, making sure of some of the money etc and don’t let him get away with his appalling excuses for himself.

Good for you for telling his mother, I hope she makes his life a misery.

Sorry op, but you're being extremely naive and gullible about this.

Some really good words of advice here op. Do you think your choice to forgive is being driven by wanting to keep your family together? Last thing you need while pregnant with your second. I can't guess at how your feeling but wish you all the best whatever you decide

For all he knew he could have contracted HIV from the prostitute OP, and he happily came home and slept with you, passing on whatever diseases he had caught.

That's disgusting behaviour. Zero excuses for him.

@merville It’s ok - I appreciate your passion and support about my situation. I’ve asked myself all the same questions. I’m just conscious of sounding like even more of a mug if I keep trying to rationalise what he’s done. And you’re right about his brand of love potentially not being worth having. Counselling is together on Thursday and honestly, as we move forward, if it does transpire that his views on this situation and on love are different to mine, I won’t stick it out. I don’t need him. I’m super independent, strong and capable but at the risk of you wanting to give me a virtual slap , I do still love him and our family and I am due in 5 weeks. I need to give him this one chance.

You are in shock. It took me almost two years to act. The time before then was awful, but I am so much happier now I finally left. The worst part of this is the way he is shifting all responsibility. Disgraceful lack of character.

I’m not sure if you all get notifications but I just wanted to say a huge thank you for all your responses! This was my first time using Mumsnet and I honestly thought I’d get about 3 responses! :) I have read and valued every single response and can’t tell you how much strength your empathy and anger at my situation has given me. Aside from his mum, there is no one else I feel comfortable telling. My best mates are all in different countries or on the other side of the country, so thank you all for being there for me.