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Original poster

Husband went to a massage parlour 2 years ago

153 replies

missbell3 · 10/02/2019 00:14

Evening ladies. This is my first post - I can’t tell friends and family about this, so hoping for some support from the group.

I’ve been married to my husband for 4 years, together for 8 years. I’m 32 weeks pregnant with our 2nd child. My husband dropped a bombshell a few weeks ago and said that he thinks he’d be better off on his own and we’d be better off without him. He didn’t leave and we seemed to work it out but we’d keep coming back to it. Long story short, we’ve realised that he was suffering with postnatal depression after the birth of our first child. He loved her from the off but struggled with being a father and we had a lot of change in our lives around that time. Now there is a second one on the way and it’s like he’s gone into panic mode and retreated again. I love him so much and said we can get through it, that I’ll support him and that’s when he told me that he’d fucked up and went to a massage parlour 2 years ago when our baby was 10 months old. It was a Thai one. He said he genuinely went just for a massage after a few drinks while he was staying in London and feeling stressed. He walked past it and it wasnt planned, though she was topless and he was told to take all of his clothes off so I said he must have known but he said he wasn’t thinking straight. She started with the massage and then asked if he wanted extra, he said yes and she started giving him a hand job, then she said more and he just said ok and she gave him a condom which he put on. This had all lasted about 10 mins so far. Then she got on top of him and had sex with him for what he said was only a few mins (not that it really matters how long) before he felt like something wasn’t right and stopped her. He checked the condom and it had split. At that point, it dawned on him what he was doing, he panicked and ran out - again not that this should make a difference but he didn’t cum. He said he got to his hotel, showered because he felt so dirty and just tried to bury it and move on. He said he felt guilty but he just couldn’t bring himself to tell me. He has been suffering with groin pain since around the time that he cheated but has been to a GP twice and is seeing a specialist next week but the reason this has all surfaced, about cheating on me, is that he’s scared that he’s hurt the baby somehow. I had my bloods done at the start of my pregnancy so I know I am all clear of HIV & syphillis. He said it was that one time and it’s never ever been anything he’s been tempted to do again and at the risk of sounding like a fool, I do believe him. I know he told me everything. I never thought I’d be the woman standing by her man in this instance but I love him - I love our family and we’re a pretty good unit the majority of the time. What is truly devastating me is that because he did what he did, he thinks that maybe that means he doesn’t love me. Even though this happened 2 years ago and we’ve had some amazing times both as a couple and as a family since then, he can’t bring himself to say he loves me, despite me telling him that I love him. He does want to try to make it work - to seek the help he needs for post and prenatal depression and he already looks visibly more relaxed since telling me - lucky him! I, on the other hand, am a wreck that can’t sleep. If it happened yesterday then I’d be saying the same thing - that he doesn’t love me - but it was 2 years ago and I have felt loved in that time. I sound like a total pushover but I’m pregnant with his 2nd child and his first child adores him, they have a great relationship now and I can’t just turn my feelings for him off. I just don’t know how to get over what he did, how to stop visualising it and I don’t know how I can stick it out if ultimately, he’s not sure that he loves me anyway. He did say that he knows he wasn’t in his right mind but it’s almost like he needs a therapist to say “what you did doesn’t mean you don’t love your wife” when I just want him to look at me and know that he does. Does that make sense? Sorry for the essay. Any pearls of wisdom or advice would be greatly appreciated. I’m pregnant so copious amounts of wine aren’t an option unfortunately.

OP posts:
SpanielEars070 · 10/02/2019 22:16

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Auntiepatricia · 10/02/2019 22:21

That’s a well rehearsed story OP. But it’s just not true.

zsazsajuju · 10/02/2019 22:24

Sorry op but doesn’t sound like he’s telling the truth and has been cheating. It’s hard to leave but it will be worth it in the long run. Flowers

PixieDust92 · 10/02/2019 22:27

He knew what he was getting when she asked for 'extra' and the fact he clearly was aroused. I mean he actually stripped off and allowed a topless woman to massage him Hmm he didn't go in for a simple massage he knew what that parlour was about. You seem like a genuine kind women and I think he's taking advantage of that. If he doesn't love you then he should leave and stop playing with your emotions x

U2HasTheEdge · 10/02/2019 22:29

No decent man would pay for sex, especially when married. No decent man would have sex with his wife, when he is worried he might have an STI. I don't know how you can have any respect for him.

You have a scummy husband. He is most likely lying and he had a recent affair or he went to a prostitute very recently.

Despite your claims you clearly have no idea what a player looks like. I get it, it is scary being on your own and especially when you are pregnant. You need to convince yourself it isn't that bad. Unfortunately a man capable of doing that will never change and you are going to have to face that sooner or later Thanks

tomatostottie · 10/02/2019 22:29

I believed it with my ex too - it was just those couple of times when he was 18 before I met.
Then it was just that one time with his workmates where the prostitute "came on" to him.
Then there was just that one time after a party where he was legless and ended up in the brothel with some friends and came home stinking of a prostitute's perfume.

And then, after being forgiven several times he leaves saying he doesn't find me attractive and wants sex with lots of women.

I really think you should chuck him out, but I also did not take the advice of the wonderful women on mumsnet at the time and put myself through another 3 years of unnecessary torture.

Kittykat93 · 10/02/2019 22:30

Good luck op, you're gonna need it. Your husband is a cheat, a liar and a disgusting specimen. Total bullshit story he's spun you there too.

HonestLawyer · 10/02/2019 22:44

I get the lying douchebag bit. What I'm surprised by is why no one posting here believes the condom split. I may get roasted for asking this but why is that so unbelievable? It may be true and explains his sudden confession although no way was it 2 years ago.

MinniesMum1606 · 10/02/2019 22:46

Yes @HonestLawyer of course it’s believable and especially with a sex worker who is never aroused at having sex with a client, she clearly forgot the lube coz it’s normally dryness that splits the condom.

HonestLawyer · 10/02/2019 22:51

Thanks Minnies Mum. Shows what I know.

mystar · 10/02/2019 23:11

Wow. There are a lot of bitter judgemental people on here and a lot which seem to want their assumptions to be right.

No one knows the Op’s Partner so to assume he is a massive prostitute visitor is just ridiculous. I think some people thrive on thinking the worst.

What your husband has done is vile but as you have said, you have had many happy times since then.

If you can forgive his infidelity then fair play. Draw a line under it and crack on. If you love him and want a life with him then you have to forget it.

If you can’t then walk

yogagirl22 · 10/02/2019 23:15

I felt very sad reading your post OP especially with the minimising and gaslighting that is going on from your DH. I too sadly was in this position (read through my old posts) my STBXH led a totally double life escorts/porn/hookup sites/ it escalated to the point he got careless and I then had enough evidence to finally accept that I had been totally lied through the whole 12 years of our relationship. I was a respectable front for his preferred lifestyle. I sadly ended up with genital herpes and HPV have to have yearly smear tests. I could go on but like you defended him to everyone and refused to accept what was going on. I ended up with PSTD 2 mental health breakdowns and lost my career. I was diagnosed with dissasotiave fugue as my brain refused to accept someone could do this to me. I get that you are very vulnerable now but I found strength and got out even though it took me four years. I am now with an amazing man who is kind loving thoughtful and would never dream of hurting and disrepecting me in that way. Its never too late. If this was your daughter what would you say??
You know you deserve better if you are determined to stay with this weak selfish man, at least throw him out for a while and show him you will not be disrespected and there are consequences. Know your value. But in my humble experience these men dont change. I made excuses for my ex tosser but the fact was he had choices. None of them included me or my physical or mental health and happiness. My forgiving him 3 times it just gave him the green light to carry on. Good luck OP and take care x

Sadiesnakes · 11/02/2019 06:50

@mystar
yes there are a lot of posters here recognizing what a scumbag ops husband is, and it might be harsh advice but it's completely warranted in OP's case and you are doing her a disservice trying to minimize her husbands actions. The majority here can clearly see what he's been up to, it's glaringly obvious, except you and op.

Original poster
missbell3 · 11/02/2019 06:53

@mystar thank you. He’s home most of the time so there’s no way he’s a serial prostitute visitor. I know him - as daft as that sounds. I saw the state he’s been in these last few weeks though I didn’t know why - I thought he’d fallen out of love with his family. I was getting pains in pregnancy that I hadn’t had before and that’s when he started to worry about pre-existing groin pain. He’s still a jerk - he’s still put my health & our baby’s health at risk but as you said, I feel like I can, eventually and with counselling, draw a line under this and move on. Thanks for your support.

OP posts:
Sadiesnakes · 11/02/2019 06:59

Op, so frustrating and I genuinely feel very sad for you. You are in for a very hard and hurtful life with your dh. Mumsnet will be here for the next time though. X

Original poster
missbell3 · 11/02/2019 07:01

@sadiesnakes he’s a total scumbag - I agree and I value everything you’ve all said - I’m old enough to take harsh advice :) I appreciate the support. But he’s come clean (totally wrong word) - albeit way too fucking late and just this once, i need to see if we can move on from this. Thanks to all of you though, I’ve stopped feeling sorry for him. I also told his mum what her golden child did. She’s outraged - her wrath is far worse than mine. Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
missbell3 · 11/02/2019 07:02

@sadiesnakes we were messaging at the same time - thank you Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
missbell3 · 11/02/2019 07:10

@tomatostottie thanks for your support and sharing your story too. I’m so sorry you went through all of that, it’s must have been so awful for you. This is the first time - nothing before or after or even before me. He honestly is (was) a decent man. As others have said, I’m in complete agreement that no decent man would do this to his wife and I’ve lost total respect for him, he knows that but I feel it’s right to give repairing our relationship a shot. I hope I’m right and I’m not back on here wishing i’d listened to you all. x

OP posts:
Original poster
missbell3 · 11/02/2019 07:14

@MumCatx2 Thank you so much. It’s exactly how you say. And that’s great advice, giving it a year. We have our first counselling session this Thursday and will take it from there. Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
missbell3 · 11/02/2019 07:19

@MinniesMum1606 Thank you, I totally know what you mean and I agree. Yes, PND in men is a thing - there’s quite a lot online about it. Still it’s no excuse and he agrees that - he’s the one telling me to stop making excuses for him but I guess I’m trying to convince myself that he wasn’t in his right frame of mind. I just hope
I’m right. Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
missbell3 · 11/02/2019 07:21

@limpbizkit thank you, I totally agree with you and yes, we’re starting couples counselling this Thursday. Thanks for your support x

OP posts:
MumCatx2 · 11/02/2019 07:23

Good luck!

NottonightJosepheen · 11/02/2019 07:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carrotflinger · 11/02/2019 10:21

The think he doesn't love you shit is a bad sign.
If it was a one off "accidental" sex in a Thai massage parlour, surely he would beg forgiveness and declare his undying love for you etc.

The fact he's saying he thinks he doesn't love you indicates that something else is going on. Perhaps he has/is doing this more often and thinks if I really loved her I wouldn't have this urge to do it so maybe I don't love her.

Original poster
missbell3 · 11/02/2019 11:23

@carrotflinger Since we’ve talked more, he’s said what you’ve sort of said - that because he did that, does that mean he didn’t really love me. He also said that he said it because he was being a coward & didn’t feel like he deserved my love - or to be loved by his family. So I asked him if when he’s said “I love you” over the past 2 years has he meant it and he said yes. He won’t beg my forgiveness because he doesn’t think he deserves it (one thing he’s got right Smile) but he has repeatedly said sorry. I’ve given him an out, in case he’s actually just trying to get me to end it but he doesn’t want it - he wants to stay and make amends. Let’s see. Thanks for your support x

OP posts:
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