Husband went to a massage parlour 2 years ago

[missbell3]

Evening ladies. This is my first post - I can’t tell friends and family about this, so hoping for some support from the group.

I’ve been married to my husband for 4 years, together for 8 years. I’m 32 weeks pregnant with our 2nd child. My husband dropped a bombshell a few weeks ago and said that he thinks he’d be better off on his own and we’d be better off without him. He didn’t leave and we seemed to work it out but we’d keep coming back to it. Long story short, we’ve realised that he was suffering with postnatal depression after the birth of our first child. He loved her from the off but struggled with being a father and we had a lot of change in our lives around that time. Now there is a second one on the way and it’s like he’s gone into panic mode and retreated again. I love him so much and said we can get through it, that I’ll support him and that’s when he told me that he’d fucked up and went to a massage parlour 2 years ago when our baby was 10 months old. It was a Thai one. He said he genuinely went just for a massage after a few drinks while he was staying in London and feeling stressed. He walked past it and it wasnt planned, though she was topless and he was told to take all of his clothes off so I said he must have known but he said he wasn’t thinking straight. She started with the massage and then asked if he wanted extra, he said yes and she started giving him a hand job, then she said more and he just said ok and she gave him a condom which he put on. This had all lasted about 10 mins so far. Then she got on top of him and had sex with him for what he said was only a few mins (not that it really matters how long) before he felt like something wasn’t right and stopped her. He checked the condom and it had split. At that point, it dawned on him what he was doing, he panicked and ran out - again not that this should make a difference but he didn’t cum. He said he got to his hotel, showered because he felt so dirty and just tried to bury it and move on. He said he felt guilty but he just couldn’t bring himself to tell me. He has been suffering with groin pain since around the time that he cheated but has been to a GP twice and is seeing a specialist next week but the reason this has all surfaced, about cheating on me, is that he’s scared that he’s hurt the baby somehow. I had my bloods done at the start of my pregnancy so I know I am all clear of HIV & syphillis. He said it was that one time and it’s never ever been anything he’s been tempted to do again and at the risk of sounding like a fool, I do believe him. I know he told me everything. I never thought I’d be the woman standing by her man in this instance but I love him - I love our family and we’re a pretty good unit the majority of the time. What is truly devastating me is that because he did what he did, he thinks that maybe that means he doesn’t love me. Even though this happened 2 years ago and we’ve had some amazing times both as a couple and as a family since then, he can’t bring himself to say he loves me, despite me telling him that I love him. He does want to try to make it work - to seek the help he needs for post and prenatal depression and he already looks visibly more relaxed since telling me - lucky him! I, on the other hand, am a wreck that can’t sleep. If it happened yesterday then I’d be saying the same thing - that he doesn’t love me - but it was 2 years ago and I have felt loved in that time. I sound like a total pushover but I’m pregnant with his 2nd child and his first child adores him, they have a great relationship now and I can’t just turn my feelings for him off. I just don’t know how to get over what he did, how to stop visualising it and I don’t know how I can stick it out if ultimately, he’s not sure that he loves me anyway. He did say that he knows he wasn’t in his right mind but it’s almost like he needs a therapist to say “what you did doesn’t mean you don’t love your wife” when I just want him to look at me and know that he does. Does that make sense? Sorry for the essay. Any pearls of wisdom or advice would be greatly appreciated. I’m pregnant so copious amounts of wine aren’t an option unfortunately.

@missbell3 this must be so hard for you and I'm so sorry that he's putting you through this

He does sound like a very needy selfish man.

It feels to me that you deserve much much more than he will ever have to offer

I must admit that I don't believe his story at all - none of it

However if you do want to believe it , I would get yourself checked out for STIs - he will need to be sure he's clean too - and then I would sort out some counselling.

I'm assuming he'll be prepared to come along too.

This will help you work out what's happened and why. Hopefully the real story and the real reasons so that you can make an informed decision for your future

Please talk to your midwife. And your GP. You need plenty of real life support to help you through this

No wonder he looks visually less stressed, he's spun you an entire blanket of lies and you've fallen for it hook line and sinker.
Post/antenatal depression? Nah just plain old guilt. He's only 'confessed' because he thinks he's caught an STD.
He paid a prostitute (probably more than one) for sex. He's put you and your unborn child at risk, you need to speak to your midwife as you will need STD checks.
I'm really sorry that you find yourself in this position.

How absolutely awful for you. What an arsehole of a man. However painful this is, honestly he is feeding you a line of bull. He has changed his story to soften the blow. If he slept with this prostitute 2 yrs ago why is he still worried about his symptoms? I know you have been tested for 2 main things but there are some other diseases you have not been tested for which could impact on the baby/birth. Tell your midwife the whole issue and see if you need testing. You are vulnerable at the moment but I hope you really try and step back from this and assess the situation objectively for you and your kids. What would you say to your daughter if her partner did this to her?

Agree with everyone. Sorry your going through this and you need to know what he's being tested for. Hes been having or had unprotected sex - see your GP or midwife once you know.

So sorry op! What a horrible situation

OP this must be a very difficult time for you. I hope you have some support IRL. The story unfortunately sounds untrue. He is worried now which suggests this is a recent episode. You sound worried about him when he does not appear to think about your feelings much putting you in this situation whilst carrying his child. I would suggest you need some time apart from him to think. Take things slow, take yourself away from his toxic presence. You are creating a baby, you are strong, you can do anything.

He said he genuinely went just for a massage after a few drinks while he was staying in London and feeling stressed.

Sorry op but this is utter bs he is telling you.

• Men, talk about your feelings
• I have struggled to adjust to being a dad and am feeling depressed which had made me do a crazy shameful thing
• bullshit! Creep! Horrible LTB

sorry OP this must be horrible. Maybe he is really struggling, maybe it's all a set of lies and he's a serial cheater. Just be strong and keep yourself and your kids as the priority

I’m sorry but he hasn’t told you everything AT THE RIGHT TIME. The right time to do this was after he cheated and before he had sex with you so that you could make informed choices about your sexual health. He’s worried about the baby - but what about you? Fair enough you say you’ve been screened as part of your pregnancy and everything is OK but I’d be absolutely furious that he’d put me at risk.

Call me cynical (been there, done that) but I’d imagine he’s told you the bare minimum. That’s what cheaters do. Prepare for some further bombshells. He’s looking visibly less stressed - aye as he’s burdened his pregnant wife with the load.

As for him suffering post natal depression...a crisis of confidence related to the stresses of raising children...maybe...having babies throws a grenade into a relationship...but is PND in men even a thing? It sounds like the lamest of excuses to me.

Not sure visiting Thai prostitutes is the prescribed solution for Male pnd but then I am not a medic .

His story sounds total nonsense though my reading of his little tale is that he is a serial prostitute user. You are not a family any more . I am so sorry op

Well, that's some story from him!

Suffering groin pain for two years but is only having it investigated now? Yeah ok......

Jumped off the massage table in the throws of passion and ran off? Lie.

Has only ever cheated once? Another lie.

I know you desperately want to believe him but you can't see the wood for the trees. It's bad enough that he has been cheating, but to lie to you with this ridiculous story just shows what a rotten bastard he is.

OP congratulations on your pregnancy and sorry you are going through this with your DH. You might think you have had some pretty extreme reactions from other posters, but a lot have seen it all before - similar stories etc.

However none of us actually know your DH. You have been with him for 8 years - we haven’t. While it is true that many people seem to be able to be able to hide extreme behaviour from their partners for a long time, it is also true that each situation is different.

I think that, whatever the truth is, your baby is your 1st priority. I would go for another full STI screening (you might be able to do a postal test). You also need to get your DH to do the same, and have sight of the results. I was reading in the news recently about syphilis in pregnant women being on the increase - but if caught in time, can be treated effectively so preventing any harm to the baby.

To me, his story does read as plausible, but I would also wonder if that is the whole truth. If you truly have a strong marriage, then total honesty should be part of it. Without that, there will always be mistrust.

I hope you get the answers you need. Tbh, if you really believed him, I don’t think you would be asking us!

I suspect too whatever it is is pretty recent and he is now panicking he may have given you something as he is aware you have bloods done etc when pregnant. He may well be a good dad and usually a nice guy, but also a total sleazy twat, sadly they sometimes come in a package together as many women before you on here have learnt . I think we all think we can spot a sleaze, nope! Those red flags often stay well down until it’s too late

There is absolutely no way in hell that's how it happened.

Same old script, time and time and time again.

Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and assume his story is true.

If it was my DH, I couldn't give a shit whether he loved me or not. He not only cheated, but used a prostitute, then repeatedly but your health, and now your baby's, at risk. Fuck that. You deserve better that this lying, cheating rat.

I can't recall whether the likes of chlamydia and gonorrhoea are included in screening tests, but if not you should get yourself tested for those. Actually it's probably worth getting tested for everything again anyway just in case you've caught something from him since. I imagine your midwife can arrange this or at least point you in the direction of the right service.

So sorry you're going through this OP

If the story as told by him was true in every detail, you could possibly overlook it and forgive, but it doesn't ring true somehow. Was it really just a one off? How could he have jumped off the table in the middle of his throes of passion? The condom split? Really? Pain for the last 2 years? Oh come on! I wonder what's really behind all this!

That story is just utter bollocks. Did abit I’d criminal law years ago it sounds like some of the “defences” clients used to concoct. Remember one barrister saying how embarrassed he was having to spout similar nonsense in court.

I despise any betrayal, be it a prostitute or a secretary. But this is your life and this is your choice. You may also need to go to a psychotherapist and speak out. I think that you and your children will be fine.

I've namechanged because I was an idiot 3 years ago and posted on MN about my ex going to brothels and I was so weak I took him back. Everyone told me to get rid etc. I took him back. The relationship was good again but only a short while after he came back, he came in stinking of perfume. He was completely wasted but admitted he had been in a brothel. I forgave him again. He has now left for the third time and his reason was he didn't find me attractive and he wanted sex with "lots of women".
Please get rid of this shit bag and never let him back. I should have got rid 3 years ago and not wasted 3 years on scum like him. It wrecks your self-esteem.
I couldn'T get the brothel thing out of my head. I tried to push the thoughts away but it made me really ill in the end.

My ex told me he had used prostitutes when he was 18 (I am in another country where the culture is a bit different) and that it was a "normal" and a right of passage. I don't find this acceptable but he assured me he had never been again since.. but of course he did. He couldn't stop himself going to them I think.

Please make a new life for yourself. His story is complete and utter bullshit. These dickheads never "plan" to go to a prostitute. Mine had all kinds of excuses - normally, he had had too much to drink and was out with other work colleagues who went to the brothel and it would have been rude not to go with them. Then a prostitute "came on" to him and because he was drunk he had sex with her. Well of course she "came on" to him, she has to earn the money.

He says "he thinks he doesn't love you". What? Really? Because he ended up having sex in a thai massage parlour two years ago? I think there's been more than that one incident... sorry OP. It's awful. He's only mentioning it now because he is concerned about the baby's health.

I'm going to say it again, and please consider my experiences, please get rid of him.

@tomatostottie what a heartfelt post, you've shared your experience so well with OP. I'm glad you are in a better place now

OP if you weren't tested for chlamydia at the beginning of the pregnancy, please call your local GUM clinic and get yourself booked in for a full screen. Untreated chlamydia can cause problems with the pregnancy and can be passed on to the baby during birth.

Re-reading this thread I also think this has happened much more recently so I would repeat ALL of the tests.

I'm so sorry. Have you got anyone in RL who can support you with this? Best friend, sister, mum if you can persuade them not to chop his bollocks off

Sounds like he's setting the scene for his threatening ex lover and child to emerge and spill the beans.

@missbell, I am sorry that you are going through this torment.

This man has no shame. He’s fed you this convoluted lie to cover his recent cheating, possible contraction/transmission of an STI, and desire to break up.

While you are offering love and support, he is treating you with contempt and taking you for a fool.

Walk away from this cheating pretender and make a good life for yourself and your children.

Fucking hell. I know a lot of women who have had PND. Not one of them has paid to fuck a stranger as a result.

OMG he is soooo lying to you. He has cleverly given you lots of details about ONE of his indiscrtetions so that you believe him.
Check his phone and bank records and I bet its another story. He has probably been doing it the whole time youve known him. Hes a punter no doubts at all.
That load of bullshit hes told you is a load od rubbish. He sounds desperate and manipulative. You should leave him.