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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband’s short temper

103 replies

littlemissrainfall · 08/02/2019 17:40

I really need to vent and hear from people who may have been in a similar situation.

My husband has a short fuse. He doesn’t lose his temper often, and he has never laid a hand on me. But, I know that he doesn’t lose his temper more often because I am calm and I am Non reactive to situations, and we don’t argue much so generally there isn’t a lot of need for temper. But when there is a reason for more fuelled discussions, his temper flies. It always starts with him nagging or getting at me, and eventually I snap back at him and he can’t handle it, but I’m
Not a robot or a sponge. He will storm around the house and break things. He once snapped my laptop in half because I accidentally washed a (cheap) watch that was in his pocket and he said I didn’t care that I’d washed it. He is very intimidating when he behaves like this and although he’s never hurt me physically, it scares me. I know the short answer to this is that no one deserves to feel intimidated, but it’s never that black and white. These “episodes” have happened around 7 times in our 7 years married to varying degrees. Once he threw a candle that was lit in our kitchen and the wax went everywhere. I know this is wrong, but because it doesn’t happen often it’s so easy to forget and get on with things. Honestly, I don’t know what to do or what I’m even wanting from writing this.

We don’t have kids, and he’s generally a kind and caring husband... I just don’t know where to go from here.

OP posts:
Mabelface · 08/02/2019 17:41

As far away as possible from him works be my advice.

Singlenotsingle · 08/02/2019 17:47

What would he do if you threw something in a temper? Shock

AnotherEmma · 08/02/2019 17:47

Well, don't have children with him, that's for sure.
Make sure contraception is water-tight.

Storming around the house and breaking things is physical violence. The fact is that you're afraid of him and that's not ok, it's no way to live.

Does he apologise after these incidents or not? Does he blame you for provoking him?

Is he critical or controlling, does he get angry or sulk if he doesn't get his own way, does he dislike your family and friends and you spending time with them?

HollowTalk · 08/02/2019 17:49

What's your limit? Would he have to set fire to the house before you'd do anything? When he snapped your laptop in half (I assume that's not something that can be done in one easy movement) did you think, "Oh well, at least my house isn't on fire?"

This is a violent man. Seven times in seven years shows this is who he is. He's not going to stop.

I think you should speak to Women's Aid about him.

pog100 · 08/02/2019 17:50

I would make it clear in a calm conversation how much it intimidates you and that it ever happens again you are leaving. Mean it, and stick to it. The very fact you are writing here means that it has affected you and it will continue to unless you feel you can trust him not to do it again.

FlagFish · 08/02/2019 17:55

This is not right, OP. It may only happen infrequently, but it's worrying that you feel it might happen more often if you were less placatory. If you really don't want to leave, you could insist he goes to counselling or an anger management course.

littlemissrainfall · 08/02/2019 17:55

Yes, he apologise, but he does also point out what I’ve done. And I always tell him that his reaction is not my fault. He gets it. Until the next time.

No he’s not controlling in any other way, very laid back and seeing my friends and family has never been an issue. This is why it’s so difficult. I Know that it’s wrong, and I know what I’d be telling a friend if it was them, I have just never been ready to think about leaving... I’m now thinking about it. He told me to get out today, over something really silly, after smashing something in temper. Then told me to get out of the house (in less nice terms). So I took my dog and left, with nothing bar a dog lead. I say nothing in these moments because I do not want to ignite.

I know that if I was the type to react back, it would be a dangerous situation. And I know that’s not good at all. I just feel so deflated that I’ve ended up here.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/02/2019 17:55

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

He breaks your things, not his own. This is his way of maintaining power and control over you, you are intimidated by him as a result and walk on eggshells around him. It works for him and he does this also because he can. What are his parents like OP: one or both of them in all likelihood are violent too. Seven such acts of violence is seven acts too many and in as many years too. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is now.

Do not under any circumstances have a child by him.

I would be talking to Womens Aid.

AnotherEmma · 08/02/2019 17:55

"I would make it clear in a calm conversation how much it intimidates you and that it ever happens again you are leaving."

The thing is, that alone is not going to stop it happening again. Even if he takes her seriously (he might not believe she will actually leave) and agrees to stop - even if he doesn't want to do it again, old habits die hard. Perhaps he learned unhealthy behaviours in childhood, perhaps he is doing it intentionally as a way to maintain control through intimidation... but whatever the reason for his behaviour, it's going to take a prolonged, conscious effort on his part to change it. An anger management course and/or counselling. But he has to accept responsibility and actually want to do those things. If his behaviour is just one example is a bigger pattern of abuse, he won't accept responsibility or change.

ravenmum · 08/02/2019 17:56

If you want to have children at some point, don't make this man their dad.

Lichtie · 08/02/2019 17:56

I wouldn't really say he has a short fuse. Someone with a short fuse would tend to act out more often.
I would want to know why such infrequent out of character events happen, there will be plenty of people who say LTB, but I would probably look at counselling to see if it can be fixed if the relationship is good otherwise.

AnotherEmma · 08/02/2019 17:57

Lots of cross posts.
Based on your latest update, I agree with PPs. You need to call Women's Aid. You could also read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft, but do it discreetly - on a kindle if you have one.

katseyes7 · 08/02/2019 17:57

l've been there. Trust me, it won't change and it will likely escalate. Please get some help and think about leaving. For your own safety.

littlemissrainfall · 08/02/2019 17:57

He does listen after everything calms down, so having a talk after is never a problem. However, I just don’t know... it’s just such extreme reaction, I wonder what he would do if I reacted back and wasn’t so placid! I just don’t know.

OP posts:
something2say · 08/02/2019 17:58

I think everyone is right.

It would have been easier actually if you'd had children - then social services could get involved and lay the law down very clearly.

But since they are not, I would say an off site crystal clear (it stops or I leave) conversation needs to take place - with a 3rd party there, say a parent on each side.

As everyone is saying, this is a form of control and warning - 'stop, or it gets worse' he is saying.

At the very LEAST, he is displaying toxic masculinity type behaviour.

But whatever, it is wrong and you are absolutely spot on to be worried.

My final piece of advice would be- keep a little piece of your heart that knows there is a time limit on this man. Your love and respect for him will erode over time and you could well leave. Be aware of that and plan accordingly.

The thing is, there are men who would never behave like this in a million years - and there are men who would. You're currently with one who would, and it does need to be watched.

Good luck

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/02/2019 18:00

Your priority now is you (and your dog) and you need to stay safe.

His apologies are meaningless and this is repeated behaviour from him.

Do not enter into any form of joint counselling with him. Its never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

He has a problem with anger, your anger, when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviours. Anger management courses as well are no answer to domestic violence. What you describe is domestic abuse within the home from him towards you.

My guess is as well that he is all sweetness and light to those in the outside world. Does he hold down a job; I bet you he would not do this to any of his work colleagues.

macblank · 08/02/2019 18:00

I'd say, he could potentially have MH to.some degree.

I'm a very calm relaxed person but some things will set me off on one. I no longer behave as above, but that cos.i have an understanding fiancée who can spot the signs before I do.

We have never argued to an extent Weber shouted. More just minor disagreements.

It's outside the house things that when alone, set me off. Yet because Jane can spot when I'm starting, she'll tell me to calm down n leave it. It's only my love for her n respect, that I try to drop it. Only a couple times in 40 months, has she had to chide me.

I'm not one for saying, he must have had a bad childhood, but as he is showing signs of a personality disorders, I do question it.

It may be just learnt behaviour from his dad, or so.ething deeper.

Def get him checked, but wait til he is in a good.mood.

There's definitely something there, whether from.childhood, or even work n he can't handle the stress. So every so.often work n family builds n he explodes. I'd like to say he won't hurt.you, but I am not qualified, and.i don't know him from Adam.

Those saying leave him, I think are wrong to be so willing to give up so easily.

littlemissrainfall · 08/02/2019 18:01

See that’s the thing, it’s so out of character that he seems like a stranger when it happens, I almost can’t believe it’s happening. The laptop incident was the most extreme, and I thought after that... I can’t do this again. But then I let it blow over. Counselling may be something to look at for sure, he knows he has a problem.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/02/2019 18:03

"Those saying leave him, I think are wrong to be so willing to give up so easily".

Why should she stay and tolerate this level of abuse from him?. its unacceptable and what you write of in your second sentence is the sunken costs fallacy. What is she really giving up on here?. You cannot help someone who does not want to be helped and she is the last person (and I mean this most kindly) who can actually help him. Such men also hate women, all of them.

And get him checked for what exactly and who with?. Why is he at all her responsibility?. She is not responsible for him nor his actions.

littlemissrainfall · 08/02/2019 18:04

He didn’t have a great childhood and there are deeper issues there for sure. He does have untreated mental health problems. I just feel so torn. I want him to get help, but I also do not want to end up further stuck.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 08/02/2019 18:05

Leaving when someone smashes things and tells you to fuck off is not "giving up easily". It's hanging on until the very last possible moment before you get hurt.

AnotherEmma · 08/02/2019 18:06

It's very hard to take the mental and practical leap towards leaving someone. What I suggest is a trial separation. Tell him that you're very concerned about the latest incident, that you feel it's one incident too many, you need some time apart and time to think about ending the relationship, because you can't continue to tolerate his violence. This is not final, you're not saying that you're definitely separating and for good, but it allows you to "rehearse" that separation in your head and in practical terms. It will show him that you're absolutely serious. If you're not ready to end it completely and if he apologises and begs you to give him a chance to work on things, you could insist that he does an anger management course. Perhaps couples counselling although this is not usually recommended when there is abuse, so you would have to choose a therapist very carefully and be completely clear about the situation. You could live separately - or at the very least sleep separately - while you are doing this. You could prioritise time apart during evenings and weekends. Start living more separate lives and take that time to decide whether you want to try and rebuild something with him or not. You have to be able to trust him of course and he has to show that he is doing real work on himself to change and to earn your trust.

ravenmum · 08/02/2019 18:07

Sometimes it takes a big event for people to make a change in their lives. If you show him that his behaviour is something not even a dog would put up with, maybe he'll consider getting some help.

littlemissrainfall · 08/02/2019 18:07

This may be silly question, but what would woman’s aid do for me?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/02/2019 18:08

littlemissrainfall

He may know he has a problem but he is not willing to do anything about it. He's told you to get out today and repeatedly as well. Its always your things that get smashed up as well isn't it, not necessarily his own stuff. His problems are not more important than yours.

What do you know about his family background OP; that will give you some clues. But its not your job here to pyschoanalyse him or get help for him; he has to want to do that for his own self and without any input from you. You are only responsible for your own self here, not him.