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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband’s short temper

103 replies

littlemissrainfall · 08/02/2019 17:40

I really need to vent and hear from people who may have been in a similar situation.

My husband has a short fuse. He doesn’t lose his temper often, and he has never laid a hand on me. But, I know that he doesn’t lose his temper more often because I am calm and I am Non reactive to situations, and we don’t argue much so generally there isn’t a lot of need for temper. But when there is a reason for more fuelled discussions, his temper flies. It always starts with him nagging or getting at me, and eventually I snap back at him and he can’t handle it, but I’m
Not a robot or a sponge. He will storm around the house and break things. He once snapped my laptop in half because I accidentally washed a (cheap) watch that was in his pocket and he said I didn’t care that I’d washed it. He is very intimidating when he behaves like this and although he’s never hurt me physically, it scares me. I know the short answer to this is that no one deserves to feel intimidated, but it’s never that black and white. These “episodes” have happened around 7 times in our 7 years married to varying degrees. Once he threw a candle that was lit in our kitchen and the wax went everywhere. I know this is wrong, but because it doesn’t happen often it’s so easy to forget and get on with things. Honestly, I don’t know what to do or what I’m even wanting from writing this.

We don’t have kids, and he’s generally a kind and caring husband... I just don’t know where to go from here.

OP posts:
littlemissrainfall · 09/02/2019 01:20

I actually feel like giving him this entire thread to read to really sink it home, the magnitude of his behaviour.

I’m asking him to leave tomorrow for at least a few days so that I can get my head together. From there... it’s therapy or divorce at this point.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 09/02/2019 06:22

It's not a good idea to let him read this, it might make him angry and violent. I'm glad you're going to separate, you should feel safe at home and not worried about his anger. Next time he throws something it could hit you. Be safe op

Blondebakingmumma · 09/02/2019 06:57

I can imagine you feel very torn! You love him enough to have returned after he smashed up your laptop, hoping he wouldn’t do it again.

I think a trial separation is the smart decision, however not easy. Would you consider asking him to do an anger management course and trial moving back together afterwards on the strict condition that he remains cool headed? Or are you past this point?
Good luck

AnotherEmma · 09/02/2019 07:08

Please don't show him the thread.

If someone won't even listen to their own partner, they're hardly going to be persuaded by a bunch of strangers on the internet.

Plus then he'll know your username and there's a risk he might keep an eye on what you're posting.

Keep this as a private (from him) source of support.

BertrandRussell · 09/02/2019 07:12

“See that’s the thing, it’s so out of character that he seems like a stranger when it happens,“

This is what my dd used to say about her abusive partner- it was as if someone else was abusing her, then the real him came back. That is why she stayed with him. Eventually she realized that the abuser was the real him.

OP- have a look at this. Then google The Freedom Programme and plan leaving him.

troubleswillbeoutofsight · 09/02/2019 07:47

I actually think that any person, male or female, who destroys property in a rage in front of you is attempting to show you that you could be next. I'd bet he wouldn't smash a laptop in an empty room with no audience.
Having worked with extremely violent people I can promise you that the smashing things up always comes before the smashing people up

why100000 · 09/02/2019 08:27

My ex had a short temper. Didn’t break my stuff (did throw it around a bit Hmm), but would yell and intimidate. To the point that I never brought anything up, ever. I hardly spoke in fact. He also used to subject me to endless (weeks and weeks) silent treatments.

We are now divorced, and though I miss the way he was a long time ago (a lot kinder to me), I know with 100% certainty that I am better off without him.

I am glad you are taking steps OP Flowers.

BarbedBloom · 09/02/2019 08:57

Please don’t show him this thread given his anger issues, it could make him flip. Things are okay as long as you keep quiet and don’t challenge him, this thread is challenging his behaviour and I bet he won’t like it.

My father was like this and we all walked on eggshells. He would smash up the sky box, or throw glasses at the wall. It was hell.

Trial separation sounds sensible with the addition that he needs therapy of some kind. He needs to be the one to drive any possible change and it doesn’t sound like he wants to at the moment

category12 · 09/02/2019 09:04

Don't show him this thread, he'll dismiss us as a nest of vipers and harpies. He doesn't listen to you, he's not going to see this and think "a bunch of women are horrified by my behaviour, must change my ways".

YesSheCan · 09/02/2019 09:27

OP, I have read your original post and all your updates. My gut reaction was 'you have to leave'. His behaviour is unacceptable. Damaging property in anger can escalate to harming you in anger. But as I read your updates, there is a small chance things may be salvageable if he takes responsibility for his behaviour, goes to his GP and explains his difficulty in controlling his temper. You say he has 'untreated mental health problems'. He is a grown up and it is his responsibility to seek treatment and engage with a full course of effective treatment. If he does this and takes it seriously then maybe your marriage will survive. But if he shows no signs of taking steps to sort himself out (and I mean actions, not just empty words) then you'd be wise to run for the hills. As for things you could give him to read about anger management etc - this is not your responsibility. His first step should be to see his GP and be honest with them. Hope things improve for you.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2019 09:29

If the counselling you have been having has been assisting you to stay with a violent man, you need to sack them.

YesSheCan · 09/02/2019 09:38

And I don't mean you should stay while he is still behaving in a violent way. Trial separation sounds sensible.

Babdoc · 09/02/2019 09:49

OP, if he only ever smashes your things and not his own, if he only does it at home, never at work, then it is NOT uncontrolled anger.
It is deliberate, calculated intimidation. He knows exactly what he’s doing.
A therapist who worked with violent men, who all claimed to suffer from uncontrollable anger, used to ask each of them why they hadn’t carried on battering until their wife was dead. They all reacted with “That would be murder, I’m not a murderer, ffs!”. He then pointed out “Oh, okay, so you were fully in control - you knew exactly when to stop, to avoid a murder charge. Not uncontrollable anger at all, then.”
This man is showing you exactly who and what he is. Isn’t it time you believed him - and left?

FruminousBandersnatch · 09/02/2019 10:20

Anyone is a nice person if you’re allowed to exclude their shit behaviour.

It’s not an easy decision to leave, OP. But I think it’s the right one. Good luck x

littlemissrainfall · 09/02/2019 10:29

I’m not going to show him the thread, don’t worry. I have no worries that he will be violent today or after the fact, he can always talk rationally after wards and I can be very honest.

I have never mentioned this to my counsellor, as my counselling was for a separate issue and to be honest, I’ve felt embarrassed. But I am going to be truthful and bring it up with her. Although, I think it’s unfair to blame a counsellor for the actions that an individual does or doesn’t take theirs only so much they can do, they aren’t even allowed to advise, they can only show you your options.

Anyway, today I am having a huge talk and I am going to move forward in trial separation.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 09/02/2019 10:32

You are sounding very strong OP. Good luck for today.

tempname111 · 09/02/2019 10:41

Good luck. I think you have adjusted your behaviour to minimise the risk of an outburst and that's not good lovey. That's not you leading your life at all. It's hoping there won't be another one Sad

He won't change in my opinion and you deserve a life free of egg shells

southernetter · 09/02/2019 16:33

I agree with tempname it sounds like you don’t feel like you can be yourself around him and are holding back so as to avoid another outburst. You only get one life and life is precious. Don’t waste it with someone who you can’t even feel like you can be yourself around. You deserve better than that and you also deserve to feel safe. Imagine what life could be like if you were someone who didn’t treat you like this.

southernetter · 09/02/2019 16:34
  • if you were with someone who didn’t treat you like this
MistressDeeCee · 09/02/2019 17:00

Minimising his violence isn't helpful. Your DCs will end up on tenterhooks just like you, you know - mouselike in the main around him so as to (hopefully) not set off his temper.

I bet he doesn't lose his temper with work colleagues or friends. Because he knowd there'll be consequences. Coward.

Another Emma 's advice is good. Just to add, I can't recall which organisation it is - RESPECT maybe. ? That are pretty quick with showing angry men the door because, an angry man has to WANT to change, and mostly they don't. Several organisations follow this guideline.

They arrive wanting to list all the things their wife does to wind them up (ie justify).

So if he does agree to go for this all well and good, but if he's not in the right place yet in this mind they'll bounce him out. Quite right too.

labazsisgoingmad · 09/02/2019 17:14

lots of people have childhood issues but dont use it as an excuse to behave like this. you need to speak to womens aid. so far he has not hurt you but it is a matter of time. he is not accepting that he is wrong in smashing things the thing he does an you have said this he puts the blame on you for it id keep walking with the dog n dont go back

KOKOagainandagain · 09/02/2019 18:31

OP you haven't posted since about 10:30 this morning. You said you were going to have a big talk and wanted a trial separation. I hope you are OK. I also hope that he hasn't persuaded you to give him yet another chance (using the same old tactics) because I'm really worried that he is playing you.

He caused a drama and made you feel so disorientated that you could only make sense of the gap between the image you have of your DH and what you could plainly see with your own eyes was to say this behaviour was out of character, that this person was a stranger (even though this is actually characteristic even if it is not frequent). You had to leave and take your dog in order to be safe - the threat is clear - get out or else - plus denial of responsibility - you will be at fault whatever he does or threatens to do.

I understand you took your dog because you were afraid to leave them but this means that whilst he made you leave, you would be on the back foot, would have few places to go etc and, crucially, would have to return home. Of course I doubt that he was in an uncontrollable rage by then and would be back to his old self (Jekyll and Hyde). This can throw you. The risk of not accepting the 'apology' and giving another chance is reigniting the rage. On the other hand, he might 'allow' you to express your feelings honestly. He will then promise to change but won't. I get the feeling that you didn't express your feelings when you got home and kept quiet.

You said you told him that you wanted space and walked away but that he followed you and tried to hug you. To misquote Prince lyrics 'would you come to me if somebody hurt you - even if that somebody was me'. Deliberate act to demonstrate power and control. The hug was never intended to make you feel better - even if you just accept and don't return the hug - your 'DH' will interpret this as acceptance of his behaviour).

Emotionally disengage and observe. He won't notice if your behaviour remains the same but you will probably learn a lot. (don't tell him what you learn - it will not convince him to change his behaviour).

littlemissrainfall · 09/02/2019 22:24

Thanks everyone. I told him how I feel and how much these outbursts have effected me
Over time. I told him that he is damaging the way I see him and that there are no words that can change how I feel right now. He was upset, but he has agreed to trial separation and to get help - but we will see. He’s gone to stay with his mum. I have also told him, from
This day forward if he ever, shows threatening beaviour towards me, in any way, I will not longer be keeping it secret, I will be truthful to everyone around me.

The road ahead is going to be hard, but I’ve made the first steps.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 09/02/2019 22:28

Well done.
I'm glad he agreed and has gone to his mum's.
I don't understand the last bit though - are you saying that you are keeping it secret for now and will only tell others about it if he does it yet again?
You need to tell some people in real life NOW. Starting with your counsellor.

Weenurse · 09/02/2019 22:30

Well done, good luck 💐