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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband’s short temper

103 replies

littlemissrainfall · 08/02/2019 17:40

I really need to vent and hear from people who may have been in a similar situation.

My husband has a short fuse. He doesn’t lose his temper often, and he has never laid a hand on me. But, I know that he doesn’t lose his temper more often because I am calm and I am Non reactive to situations, and we don’t argue much so generally there isn’t a lot of need for temper. But when there is a reason for more fuelled discussions, his temper flies. It always starts with him nagging or getting at me, and eventually I snap back at him and he can’t handle it, but I’m
Not a robot or a sponge. He will storm around the house and break things. He once snapped my laptop in half because I accidentally washed a (cheap) watch that was in his pocket and he said I didn’t care that I’d washed it. He is very intimidating when he behaves like this and although he’s never hurt me physically, it scares me. I know the short answer to this is that no one deserves to feel intimidated, but it’s never that black and white. These “episodes” have happened around 7 times in our 7 years married to varying degrees. Once he threw a candle that was lit in our kitchen and the wax went everywhere. I know this is wrong, but because it doesn’t happen often it’s so easy to forget and get on with things. Honestly, I don’t know what to do or what I’m even wanting from writing this.

We don’t have kids, and he’s generally a kind and caring husband... I just don’t know where to go from here.

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 08/02/2019 19:30

If you have kids I guarantee this will get worse.

HollowTalk · 08/02/2019 20:14

Did he experience violence in his childhood home, OP? It might not be easy for him to admit that he did.

I'd recommend you watch BBC 2 Behind Closed Doors which was on the other day and will be on iPlayer. The impact on those children and wives of domestic violence was horrific. You may feel you're not at that point - but do you want to be there in the future? Look at the children on that programme and think about whether you would want any future children to go through that trauma.

If you know you don't want children with him, why are you with him?

gambaspilpil · 08/02/2019 20:22

His apologies are meaningless as he just repeats the same behaviour. When your in a relationship like this it becomes your normal. Therefore what is 'extreme' behaviour? it is not for you to give him something to read to help himself, he needs to recognise the impact his behaviour is having on you. This is worrying given you dont even have DC at this time. Guaranteed it will get worse if you do .....straight talking is required. best way I find is to write down your thoughts and prepare for the talk. The emphasis needs to be on him, do not let him try and suggest you are the problem and emphasise he needs to seek help or you will have no alternative. Damaging your property and telling you to get out the house is just abusive. I didnt have a great childhood but I am not a violent, abusive arse

littlemissrainfall · 08/02/2019 20:24

Yes, it pretty much isnlike a gorilla. I’ve said that too him before.

I do think a trial separation is what I am going to do. I can’t keep waiting for this to happen and then do nothing when it does. Most of what you are all saying is right, and while as a whole he is not a bad husband, I should never have to be scared. I know in my heart that it’s not right. I just feel so utterly sad.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 08/02/2019 20:25
Flowers
AnotherEmma · 08/02/2019 20:25

Do you have anyone you can talk to about this in real life?

littlemissrainfall · 08/02/2019 20:27

I didn’t have a great childhood either, so I’m
Not giving him a by ball or making excuses for him on that front. There are deeper rooted issues there but it doesn’t mean I should take that kind of crap. I don’t know why I stayed after the laptop incident, I went away for a few days because I was so appalled and scared, and came back and got back on with life after talking and coming to (what I thought was) an understanding. Tonight was the first incident since laptop incident a couple of years ago, but it has brought everything back for me.

OP posts:
TowandaForever · 08/02/2019 20:27

I did have children worth a man like this. Funny how they never break there own things isn't it?

It got worse when the children arrived.

He's now my ex.

littlemissrainfall · 08/02/2019 20:28

AnotherEmma... no I have no one I can talk to in real life unfortunately. I am not close with my mum and my friends would only judge me.

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 08/02/2019 20:35

If he were genuinely a nice guy with some weird issue then he'd have got himself treatment the first time and certainly wouldn't have done it over and over again.

You have stayed with him incident after incident, walking on eggshells the whole time. Get yourself some treatment instead of trying to get him to a doctor. Find a counsellor for yourself. You have been making crazy decisions for seven years. You need help.

TowelNumber42 · 08/02/2019 20:36

Yes your friends would judge you! Of course they would. You are making dumb ass decisions. This is exactly why you should talk to them.

SpanielEars070 · 08/02/2019 20:39

The thing is, you are almost "used" to this sort of behaviour from him, so you don't see the shock value in it.

If my DH smashed my laptop, I would leave on the spot. Because for him to show that level of violence would be so out of character, I would crap myself.

Because this has happened over a period of time, you're almost making excuses for why he does it. And reading the MN trot out for everything that someone may have MH issues, depression, a bad childhood etc makes me want to smash my latop frankly. My teenage years were horrific thanks to my parents but I'm a perfectly normal grounded adult who doesn't go around erupting like a volcano when things don't go my way.

You need some time away from him so that you can let your guard down, stop walking on eggshells and make him realise that what he's doing isn't OK. Then if he gets proper help, and takes on board what he's done you may stand a chance. But nothing will change if you stay - the fact you've stayed before is almost like giving him the green light to behave like it because he knows he can get away with it.

I hope you can find strength to do what's right for you Flowers.

Stardustinmyeyes · 08/02/2019 20:47

TowelNumber42
Your response is really shitty, cruel, unpleasant, vile, judgmental. Do you pull wings off flies for entertainment?

AnotherEmma · 08/02/2019 20:52

OP, if your friends are halfway decent people, they won't judge you. They will be concerned for you but they won't judge.

TeaBea2019 · 08/02/2019 20:58

I'd f off and leave and say if I was to return if it ever happened again I'd file for divorce.

Wax0111 · 08/02/2019 20:59

Yes I think he does need to see someone.
TO READ: Heal your wounds and find your true self.
Good luck.

EKGEMS · 08/02/2019 21:06

Towelnumber42 Calling a victim of DV a dumb ass speaks great volumes about you far more than the OP!
OP you returned home and told your DH you wanted time to yourself and he violated your wishes and personal space and attempted to hug you despite chasing you and your dog out of the house with verbal abuse and a threat of physical abuse?!!!!!! This is terrible OP and you have to think line an airplane emergency-put your oxygen mask on first before you can help anyone else. Your husband needs stat psychotherapy and anger management before he's fit to live with anyone human or canine.

LizzieSiddal · 08/02/2019 21:09
Flowers

From what you’ve posted, it does seem that his childhood has deeply affected him, and he’s suppressed this.

If I were you I’d give him and ultimatum, either therapy or divorce.

My own Dh had a terrible temper, although he never broke anything, it scared me. It came to a head and I decided I wasn’t putting up with it any more. He did go to therapy and it did work. (He’s actially still going now, six years later, just once a month).
He’s a different person now and I’m glad I gave him this chance, but if he hadn’t been willing to get help, we wouldn’t be together now.

AnyFucker · 08/02/2019 21:09

I would judge him not you

He is the abusive one. This is not your fault. You do not deserve this.

Ginsodden · 08/02/2019 22:32

Most violence begins or escalates during pregnancy....
You may not respond so as not to push him, but a child might.
Don’t have kids with this man.

Caucho · 08/02/2019 23:02

Nutter alert. What person would snap an expensive item like a laptop because they were annoyed unless they’re stinking rich and money is no object? Shows a complete lack of self control which is very worrying,

Mrskeats · 08/02/2019 23:13

I’ve been there and would certainly not judge a friend who disclosed this type of thing to me.
It reflects on him not you. It’s very easy for this sort of thing to escalate. My ex kicked my dog for example. It’s lucky he’s still breathing.

LannieDuck · 08/02/2019 23:19

I would ask him if he thinks it's a problem? And if he does, what he's going to do about it.

Weenurse · 08/02/2019 23:29

It is interesting how it is your things he breaks.
I think a trial separation is a great idea. You know you can’t continue as you are.

littlemissrainfall · 09/02/2019 01:11

Towelnumber42 - your input wasn’t the least bit helpful. You don’t know the entire picture, and I honestly hope that you are never in the position to have to choose head over heart, because it is painful! You obviously have absolutely no idea, and therefore you should not be giving out advice. As for suggesting I need counselling, I’ve actually been in counselling for years now but that’s besides the point.

OP posts: