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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband’s short temper

103 replies

littlemissrainfall · 08/02/2019 17:40

I really need to vent and hear from people who may have been in a similar situation.

My husband has a short fuse. He doesn’t lose his temper often, and he has never laid a hand on me. But, I know that he doesn’t lose his temper more often because I am calm and I am Non reactive to situations, and we don’t argue much so generally there isn’t a lot of need for temper. But when there is a reason for more fuelled discussions, his temper flies. It always starts with him nagging or getting at me, and eventually I snap back at him and he can’t handle it, but I’m
Not a robot or a sponge. He will storm around the house and break things. He once snapped my laptop in half because I accidentally washed a (cheap) watch that was in his pocket and he said I didn’t care that I’d washed it. He is very intimidating when he behaves like this and although he’s never hurt me physically, it scares me. I know the short answer to this is that no one deserves to feel intimidated, but it’s never that black and white. These “episodes” have happened around 7 times in our 7 years married to varying degrees. Once he threw a candle that was lit in our kitchen and the wax went everywhere. I know this is wrong, but because it doesn’t happen often it’s so easy to forget and get on with things. Honestly, I don’t know what to do or what I’m even wanting from writing this.

We don’t have kids, and he’s generally a kind and caring husband... I just don’t know where to go from here.

OP posts:
littlemissrainfall · 08/02/2019 18:09

I really appreciate this advise AnotherEmma. It’s so much more helpful than just being told I should leave him. It’s never that black and white and I wish it were that easy.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 08/02/2019 18:10

"He didn’t have a great childhood and there are deeper issues there for sure. He does have untreated mental health problems."

I do think there are men who use mental health problems as an escuse for abusive behaviour, and will not accept responsibility or change, and there are men who are not classic abusers but who have some abusive behaviours because of unaddressed issues. In the latter case I think there is some hope if they take responsibility and change.

I suggest that you ask him to read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and get counselling for himself (ie not couple's counselling). As I said in my previous post, you don't have to live with him while he's doing that.

AnotherEmma · 08/02/2019 18:11

You're welcome. I'm going through something similar myself actually (although the behaviour is not as bad as your DH's, fewer incidents and less extreme, plus I argue back strongly and I am not afraid like you are). But I can empathise.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/02/2019 18:12

He is in all likelihood blaming you now for what happened in his own unstable (and likely abusive as well) childhood. It is not your fault he is like this and you did not make him that way. You cannot set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

It is his sole choice to seek the necessary help for his past and if he cannot or will not do so, there is not a thing you can do about that. You cannot help someone who does not want to be rescued or saved.
He has also seemingly done nothing to get help for his own self either.

Womens Aid would talk to you about your H, your relationship and his behaviours towards you. Abuse is not just physical in nature and smashing up stuff in the home is a clear cut example of domestic violence within the home.

ravenmum · 08/02/2019 18:13

It's not black and white. But personally I'm not just saying "LTB" as it's some sort of feminist mantra. Personally, I'm imagining this man smashing your stuff and shouting at you, and saying to you what I would say to my daughter in that situation. I would want her to get away from that man before he did something nasty to her.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/02/2019 18:14

Its not at all easy to leave I grant you but its a damn sight harder to stay and live a slow death by 1000 cuts at his hands. What was he like towards you before you married him?. Was it only after your marriage that this from him became more apparent?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/02/2019 18:14

This sort of behaviour more often than not escalates over time too.

AnotherEmma · 08/02/2019 18:15

Btw I usually agree with Atilla on these things and I think Atilla may still be right. I think it depends on the overall pattern of his behaviour and on his reaction if you try telling him what I suggested. If he respects your wishes and takes responsibility then I am right and there is hope. If he refuses to accept what you're saying, gets angry and blames you, then Atilla is right and he's an abuser.

littlemissrainfall · 08/02/2019 18:31

I def appreciate that RavensMum, and I know what I’d say if I read this from someone else.

OP posts:
littlemissrainfall · 08/02/2019 18:32

Atilla, before we were married he through the candle, and broke down saying he doesn’t know why he’s like this. I (probably stupidly) let it go, told him this can’t happen again. And it didn’t for a long time. But inevitably it did.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/02/2019 18:41

It's not "out of character" for him to act like a thug at all

He does it regularly and it seems to be you are on constant eggshells waiting for the next time

Leave him before it escalates to you getting hurt. Because it will.

bluejelly · 08/02/2019 18:51

I would be planning to leave ASAP. Life is too short to spend with someone abusive. And he is abusive, no doubt.
Even when he's in a good mood, the fact that he could blow up any moment, and destroy your possessions is terrifying, and will affect the other 95% of your relationship. You don't have to live with that.
Thanks to you.

category12 · 08/02/2019 18:56

Op, this is a form of domestic abuse.

You should never have dc with this man.

littlemissrainfall · 08/02/2019 18:59

I decided to go back home, as there’s not many places you can go with a dog last minute. He’s apologised and I’ve told him I just want time to myself. He followed me upstairs and tried to hug me etc and I just can’t. He’s gone down stairs now but I am just so upset. I am going to talk to him tomorrow and tell him how much it effects me and tell him he needs to get help or I can’t stay with him.

Does anyone have any advice on anything I can give him to read about anger and abuse? It would be helpful to help him see it from my perspective more.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 08/02/2019 19:02

Well I've already suggested Toxic parents and he could also look up anger management stuff. But to be honest he needs to be finding his own resources, you can't hand it all to him on a plate.

I'm wondering why nothing happened after the laptop or candle incidents, why didn't he decide to get help and why didn't you ask him to?

Given the severity of the situation I do think you need time living apart, a proper trial separation.

AnotherEmma · 08/02/2019 19:04

You could point him to this but I expect he will reject it and say that he's not an abuser (he may not be but he certainly behaves like one when he's violent) respectphoneline.org.uk

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 08/02/2019 19:05

You could read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft...as for him - well - it’s up to him.

This is the acid test to be frank. Run round after him handing him books he may or may not read and directing him to websites he may or may not visit gives him no impetus to seek out help by himself for himself.

This sounds like my XH. He eventually went and got help about 12 months after I left him but it was the passing of his dad that did it, not me.

He’s a better man now by all accounts but I’m so glad I left.

I’m glad you’ve put some space in between the two of you. Reading your post is like reading my words but from 2013/14.

I’m not happily remarried and expecting DC3 in the summer. There is a better life for you out there, love x

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 08/02/2019 19:05

*now

Not not! Grin

AnotherEmma · 08/02/2019 19:06

You do need to tell him how scared you are. Not just when he is angry. But also that you walk on eggshells and do everything to keep the peace because of the threat of his violence.

And ask him why he always breaks YOUR things.

AnyFucker · 08/02/2019 19:06

He can only seek help for himself. Anger management has notoriously bad outcomes.

It's not anger, you see. He will "manage" it when he wants/needs to. I bet he doesn't thrown burning candles around his boss, for example. Or break laptops in half at work.

This is ^entitlement" not anger and he will not give that up easily. He feels justified in scaring you. There is no "training" to dissuade him of that, I am afraid

If you stsy with him, you are signing upfor moreof the same. Accept it...or go. There isn't another option.

Sistersofmercy101 · 08/02/2019 19:06

We're not saying leave this man and the unsafe situation he chooses to cause with his behaviour, because it is a "feminist mantra" - we're saying that no-one should be submitted to abusive behaviour and live their lives being controlled by the fear of the violent behaviour occurring again. Whatever the reason this man behaves like this, he is aware that it frightens the op, he chooses by not getting help, to allow it to happen again, therefore he is defacto, choosing to deliberately control the op through intimidation.
The reason "leave" is advised "so readily now is because it can be - people have legal and practical support as this behaviour now societally unacceptable and wheas in the past, leaving wasn't an option (the behaviour isn't necessarily on the increase, but now we can theoretically get something done OTHER than just accept it). OP if this was your behavioural 'problem' what would you do? - I reckon you'd be mortified and get any and all available help sharpish to avoid a reoccurrence? Because isn't that what he should be doing?

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 08/02/2019 19:07

Ps: (and this is me putting my Freud hat on) but how does he treat his mum?

XH barked and shouted at his time and time again. Wish I’d cottoned onto the link earlier.

category12 · 08/02/2019 19:15

You've tried explaining your perspective, he just turns it back on you.

That's because basically, underneath it all, he doesn't respect your personhood. If you need a book or authority figure to explain it to him because he won't listen to you, it just shows how little value he places on you, at core.

He smashes your stuff as a dominance display like a bloody gorilla.

cauliflowersqueeze · 08/02/2019 19:22

I think that sounds very frightening.

Although he’s not hitting you, it’s physical violence that makes you feel scared so it’s not far off.

ArtyBat · 08/02/2019 19:27

I know the short answer to this is that no one deserves to feel intimidated, but it’s never that black and white

Actually, yes it is. You are a human being, you do not deserve EVER to be treated in this way. Whatever difficulties, problems etc occur, of whatever size and magnitude, they can and should be talked through calmly and with respect. He should know this. He will know this. But he chooses not to follow this path.