Husband had an affair

[RDOlem]

Just found out my husband has been having an affair and I'm devastated. I feel sick, I feel gutted and I feel absolutely heartbroken 😰
He told me about a fortnight ago he wasn't happy and hadn't been happy for a few months. Said he needed time to get his head together. I so didn't see it coming. I admit it hasn't been great, we've both been so busy. We have three small children, I had a lot of work pressures going on and he works away 3/4 days a week. We'd forgotten to make time for each other.
I was shocked with this revelation but gave him his time to get his head together, however on on Thursday he left his work phone behind and all became clear... my worst nightmare became a reality. He was having an affair with a work colleague 😰
When he got home and I challenged him, at first he denied it - but eventually admitted he was having an affair... he claims she started out as a confidante but developed into an intimate relationship. He tells me this only started a month ago...
I have never felt pain like it.
He's ended it with her and wants to repair and rebuild our marriage, but I feel he still has feelings for her. I love my husband but I bloody hate what he's done to me and our family. I'm numb 😰

Oh Sweetheart. Just sending you these , in order to bump the thread.

Someone wise will hopefully be along in a moment xx

Sorry to hear that. So just because you found out he has ended it? He wouldn't have done so otherwise...is that right?

How can you trust he has ended it?

It takes a long time to rebuild trust after an affair and not everyone can do it.

You need honesty and transparency... that starts with the duration of the affair...that's usually one thing cheaters always lie about.

A good strategy is asking for the whole truth....and making it clear anything not disclosed will definitely lead
to the demise of the marriage.

Is she married?

Another helpful resource is
Www.survivinginfidelity.com

I’m so sorry, you must be heartbroken.

Kick him out while you have time to think about what you want. Do you have anyone in RL you can lean on for support? X

Yeah, I think so. He tells me he got sucked in and just went with it. Things haven't been great here and she was obviously giving him the attention and he was after. He definitely has feelings for her, and on reading some of the texts they had obviously made plans to be together.
After a day of tribulation he tells me, it's me he wants and wants to rebuild our relationship.
He's definitely ended it and he's asked her not to contact him but of course he will still see her at some stage as they work together.
Im in shock, he's the last person I thought would ever do something like this, he's the most (well was) honest person I know.

I want to get over it, I want to try to rebuild, but I'm absolutely shitting myself he still feels for her. We lost our way in the last few months, I'm just devastated it got to this 😰

Yes, she's married too. No children though and is apparently living at her mothers at the minute.
Can I ever get over this? I want to, but I feel so betrayed by the person who's supposed to love me most 😢

Oh I do feel for you op. From experience I would say don’t rush into anything immediately, this includes feeling you have to prove yourself (sex 24/7,torturing yourself over the details) although this can be difficult. Could he stay with a friend or relative in order to keep you some thinking space? Remember it might not seem a priority but drink plenty of fluids and eat little and often or you’ll feel even worse. Take it one day at a time.

So sorry you’re going through this. It doesn’t sound his style. Maybe he has been sucked in and is truly sorry. I think a separation period so you can have some head space. I found it took 6 months separation before I knew what I really wanted.

Sorry you’re going through this. I could have written the first part of your post a year ago. My husband told me he was unhappy (news to me) then 2 weeks later I found work emails on his iPad between him and a colleague making it clear they had been having an affair. She wasn’t married but was living with someone.
I didn’t give him chance to explain as there was nothing he could have said to make it any better so when he got hone from work that day his bag was packed and he is still with her now.

I don’t know what to say to you other than if you hadn’t found out he would have carried on. I can say that a year down the line I am doing ok. He was my everything and we had been together 18 years, married 13, two children. That doesn’t mean I am going to be second best though. I am worth more than that and so are you x

I was with my ex husband for 9 years had 2 children and he had an affair, I forgave him and he came back. I couldn't get over what he had done I battled for 10 years to try anything, but it all came back to I couldn't trust him. I felt completely useless what sort of woman couldn't keep her marriage together, it wasn't me that was him . I left and it was the best thing I did. What I'm trying to say is if you say you forgive him you must do it and not just say it, it's not easy your mind plays tricks all the time . Good luck whatever you do.

Things haven't been great didn't mean you went and had an affair did it?. Do not blame yourself for his selfish actions.

I’m sorry this has happened to you. Try to give yourself some thinking time before making any decisions and don’t let anything he says influence you. You really can’t trust him at the moment.
If you do choose to stay together, be very wary of him continuing to work with the OW - the attraction and pull will still be there.

How will you trust him if he stays working in this job, working away 3/4 days at a time with her?

I don't think that is possible and if he is serious he needs to be looking for a new job.

Just ecause things haven't been great doesn't mean you have an affair, maybe things haven't been great because his emotional energy was elsewhere? Not because of you.

Have some time to yourself to think, google the cheaters script, they all say the same thing. Don't fall for any gaslighting as it can drive you mad. Hope you can spend time with supportive family/friends.

What does he propose to do to earn your trust and make you respect him again?

Please don’t think it’s your fault. You said things weren’t great? Well he should’ve worked at his marriage and put some effort in instead of hopping into bed with someone else. There is never a good excuse to cheat, it’s the cowards way of dealing with things. Very selfish of him. To be honest with you having been cheated on myself, I will never lower myself to second best again. I’ve done the pleading, the ‘sorry I’ll change’(ie try to stop my insecurities that he had caused by cheating)’, ‘let’s work through this’ etc. but his head had already been turned and he chose OW in the end anyway. I would never trust him again so the relationship would never have worked. It would’ve made me a paranoid mess every time he left the house. There is a future for you OP and it doesn’t have to be with someone that betrayed you like this. It’s so hard and it takes time but you will heal and come out the other side! He should’ve thought about his family instead of his penis.

Thank you for all your responses, I want to wake up and this all be a bad dream. Completely heartbroken is an understatement.
I love my husband but can I ever get past this. Our babies are only 2, 4 and 5 - their world will he turned upside down. Devastated 😰

I NC for this. I actually warned him about her before she joined his team, how she took flirting to way another level - just to basically shit stir and go crying to HR (them, civil service - not my career). She ruined previous team member's career. I could see it happening from miles away. I was told the usual shit about all in my imagination, I'm bonkers etc. I had to get proof and went nuclear. Everything went tits up - luckily, their managers were not impressed by their unprofessional behaviour (trying to wrangle nights away for 'business' purposes etc.) and they were both reprimanded.

Reader, I stayed with the arse. 13 years later we are still together and she's just a withered old bitch in another country - no kids, partner.

It wasn't easy at the beginning - I was ripped apart. However, we are content now and he cares deeply for me. I now have a chronic illness and he's proved his love by the way he's coped and looked after me.

Just be careful he isn’t reading you the script, as another poster suggested. I was seeing a man I thought was single, his long term partner and mother of his child(!!) found out. He blamed it all on me, he was sucked in, he was weak, I came on to him etc. She took him back and he never spoke to me again. I can assure you it was all him, he initiated, he messaged me. But I knew he was blaming me to keep his partner, and I was just a bit of fun. I let it go for the sake of their child, but I so wish I could tell her what her partner is really like!!

( and we also had sex many times, but he never admitted this to her.) an ex cheated on me and said it was only texting never sex, but after seeing the first man blatantly lie to his partner when I knew we’d had sex, I couldn’t trust him.

In my eyes, to be able to deal with it you need to know exactly what has gone on. Be sure it has ended and he has no feelings, and he needs to make a real effort to win back your trust. I’d say he needs to move jobs really in this scenario.

My children were 7,5 and 2 when I found out my husband was having an affair. I got a knock on the door and opened it to a man raging about my husband and his wife, he proceeded to barge his way into my house and read out 5 months of emails between them, this was done infront of my children.

I stayed with my husband and have regretted it every day since, if we’d split at the time it would have been hard but I could have rebuilt my life. 12 years on I feel trapped, I don’t trust him, I don’t feel good enough for him and I’m just waiting for the day he fucks off with a younger model. Whatever decision you make, make it for yourself. Do what is best for you. Stay strong

At 2, 4 and 5 your babies are still young enough to not understand the full extent of what is happening if you decide to leave. If you don’t leave (and that has to be your choice), they will likely pick up in the resentment, lack of trust and unhappiness over the years.
Despite my ex husband breaking my heart, We have managed to be as amicable as possible when it comes to the children as none of this was their fault and we are grown adults who chose to have children together. I save the angry words and tears for when they are not around.
What I am saying is that heir world doesn’t have to be torn apart of you put your feelings about him to one side and handle things in their best interest. It’s not easy but it’s doable x

He's admitted having sex with her, and told me when and where. He has definitely ended it with her and I've seen the communication between them but that's not to say she will accept that, or indeed he will stick to his promise. I fear their emotional connection.
They work for the same company but doesn't work in the same location as her any more. He will see her from time to time though, if he is attending a meeting in the building where she works. He's committed to reduce his time away from home and claims to focus 100% on me and his family.
I sorely want to forgive him. I want it to repair, to rebuild. I can't imagine my life without him - but the pain inside me right now is crippling me... I can't think, I can't sleep, I can't eat. And he seems to be doing ok - what a nightmare 😰

Well that’s a start op that’s hes actually admitted sleeping with her! I can say that in my case once he went back to his partner and told me not to contact him, so far years later I haven’t heard a peep. They look happy, but in his case it’s false as he’s fed her lies. Your dp has at least told the truth-even if you had to find out from his phone. I really feel for you, I’ve been in your position also (without sex..or so he says) and chose to forgive. I won’t lie it hurt, and took me a long time. It only worked as he put so much effort into proving he could be trusted again.

Sunshineandflipflops - did you stay with him?

What if you called her out on it. Tell her that you know everything..would that empower you? I feel cross for you that just because he wasn't getting any attention he's seduced by the first woman who comes along and strokes his ego....Has he no shame..I thought we'd developed as humans. Couldn't he have just told you how he was feeling...and you could have committed to putting it right together. Marriage is hard...

Chinks123
So you have experienced it from both sides. And when you were the other woman, (and I know you didn't know he was married) did you love him? And how did you cope with him asking you not to contact him? I fear she will continue to try... especially if they'd made plans and he'd led her to believe he would be with her?