Husband had an affair

[RDOlem]

Just found out my husband has been having an affair and I'm devastated. I feel sick, I feel gutted and I feel absolutely heartbroken 😰
He told me about a fortnight ago he wasn't happy and hadn't been happy for a few months. Said he needed time to get his head together. I so didn't see it coming. I admit it hasn't been great, we've both been so busy. We have three small children, I had a lot of work pressures going on and he works away 3/4 days a week. We'd forgotten to make time for each other.
I was shocked with this revelation but gave him his time to get his head together, however on on Thursday he left his work phone behind and all became clear... my worst nightmare became a reality. He was having an affair with a work colleague 😰
When he got home and I challenged him, at first he denied it - but eventually admitted he was having an affair... he claims she started out as a confidante but developed into an intimate relationship. He tells me this only started a month ago...
I have never felt pain like it.
He's ended it with her and wants to repair and rebuild our marriage, but I feel he still has feelings for her. I love my husband but I bloody hate what he's done to me and our family. I'm numb 😰

My recent experience is that whilst I will be classed as the OW! I didn't know he was with his wife. The lies he's told to me, explaining how horrific she was, why they separated etc.

Now he's telling his wife, I meant nothing to him. It was just sex and he needed attention as he felt he wasn't getting it from her. Im a nutcase etc etc.

The fact is, a good liar when backed into a corner finds it easy to tell more and more lies. Fabricates a story in his head and then will tell you anything to believe him.

@MsDogLady
Thank you, you're an amazing person, and have afforded me so much of your time. I am so grateful x

Glad to see that you seem to be coming to terms with this.And moving forward together.
I know a lot of people on MN are tell ing you to just LTB - as I would have done too.Until it happened to me.
In counselling , I said that I worry that I am being "weak" by staying , despite knowing he deceived me so badly.
No , she said, that is not true.Leaving, while being distressful is MUCH easier than working through the painful process of trying to forgive and find the love and trust again. And my DH is in awe of me and so grateful that I am willing to do this.

You are STRONG and you CAN do this.

Leaving isn’t much easier that’s fucking bollocks. It’s just said to make you feel better about your choice.
Leaving means leaving your home usually, your things, your way of life, everything you’ve ever known, destroying your children’s idea of home, I could go on. and you still have to work on forgiveness for your own sake. And you have to pick yourself up and try to rebuild your life.
I would say that leaving is the bravest and hardest choice that anyone will ever make.

Staying is piss easy in comparison. Staying takes a lot less to get over. Obviously this is my personal opinion. But then everyone thinks what they’ve done is the bravest.

**

Travisandthemonkey OUCH .That put me in my place.
I don't think there is a "bravest" thing to do.Everyone has to do what works for them.
I guess you are right - she was trying to make me feel OK about going through counselling when what I REALLY wanted to do was LTB.And most of those problems don't exist for me, being older, no young DCs, etc.I thought of LTB as at least I would be free and not have to deal with him.But now I am living here, thinking of all the lies and trying to stay civil.
There are no winners in these situations .I guess I was trying to also make OP feel like it was OK to try and work on her marriage .

Hi I'm 6months on from finding out. It's been bloody hard! So hard and I still have a lot of moments everyday where I think about what he did. We went to counseling together and separately.
From the moment I found out (no he didn't tell me) he has tried and tried to be the best husband he can. I still don't trust him and I still don't know what to do. I don't check his phone or anything like that but after reading all these posts I'm going to.

Our counsellor said we don't need any more counseling. I found this hard but she said of course we can come back anytime. I don't know what the right thing is. I don't know if he means it when he says he loves me because I would never do what he did and that's because I love him. Communication is something that we have learnt was one of our biggest problems. He's now a huge advocate for talking about things and feelings and just being Mr perfect! Our relationship is better in so many ways but I'm still struggling with what he did. He didn't have to cheat for us to learn this lesson. It's hard but like someone else said I feel like I'm just waiting for the bubble to burst :( I hope it never does.
How are you feeling today?

@Ferfeckssake
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to be so harsh. I apologise really I do.
You’re right, it’s hard for everyone. And everyone has to do what’s best for them

@Itsallwhite - thank you for sharing your story. It's the lies and the deceit I'm struggling to comprehend. As well as torturing my own head with the finer intimacy details... it's gutting he even thought about it, never mind actually doing it!!! he's most certainly remorseful and is fully aware of what his actions have done to me. Its definitely over and he's prepared to move jobs. She has contacted him a few times since and he has been open and transparent with these texts.
We're both attending individual counselling and I don't know how things will pan out - if I'll ever get over it... but he's giving it 100% so I'll take one day and a time and fingers crossed we will make it. I'm not putting any pressure on myself though... I just wish it wasn't true, that it was all a bad dream! His selfishness has done this, what a arsewipe!

That's OK Travismonkey.We are entitled to express our opinions.
Itsallwhite Yes, exactly! Strange how these relationship issues play out the same! And in all different stages of marriage.WTF is wrong with these men? Are they wired differently? And the OW - What motivates them? Why get involved with a MM and all the drama that brings.
RDOlem One day at a time .....

Hi @RDOlem, I was thinking of you. Yes, you must be incredulous that your own husband is capable of harming you like this. I, too, would be tortured knowing that he was wearing a mask when home with me, lying and pretending, while bonding with another woman.

I hope that he will follow through with changing jobs. I would make it a requirement for my recovery. Sadly, I knew a similar situation where the couple did not opt for the job change, as the husband felt confident that he could keep strong boundaries when returning to work with OW, but he weakened and the affair resumed, resulting in two divorces.

I also hope that your therapy provides the appropriate support that you need in your journey to healing.

I meant to add regarding a job change, that my husband would have to do this, no question. There is a reason that No Contact is considered the gold standard in affair recovery by therapists.

If you want to save your marriage, even occasional contact at work is much too risky, as jolts of attraction and emotion would inevitably pass between them when their paths crossed.

You say that she has contacted him several times. Why hasn’t he completely cut contact and blocked her? Is she using work email?

@RDOlem, I hope you are doing well.