Treachery. A double life. Keeping both of you in ‘separate rooms’. Only he has the key. What a bone-chilling violation of your love, trust and loyalty.
@RDO, how is he behaving to you? Does he seem remorseful for how he has crushed you, showing empathy for your suffering? Or is he “bitterly ashamed” because he has failed himself, The Man in the Mirror.
He may not be a full-blooded Narcissist, but he certainly has been displaying narcissistic behaviors, including compartmentalization, possessing two separate realities to serve his selfish purposes, moving between them with ease. Choosing to be Husband/Family Man one day and Single Man the next.
He has been strongly attracted to the power of the affair—the secrecy, emotion, sex, and whatever the OW represents to the Man in the Mirror. He has rationalized and minimized to justify the affair and live in the moment. He refused to consider or care about the massive betrayal of you and his children. His callous disregard is staggering.
You’re right, he did prioritize the OW. He was happy to collude with her, and planned to tell his little children that he would be leaving their home. When he interacted with them and with you, he was filled with deception. He had a secret life.
He brought OW into your sex life, and robbed you of your consent. I certainly wouldn’t consent to have sex with a man who was sleeping around.
So their plan was for him to abandon you and and then pretend later that he’d met OW. Nice. It is easy to say now that he wouldn’t have gone through with it.
Certainly the first box on their agenda had been checked—the OW left her husband. He likely would have eventually left you. He had already distanced himself, and he was on a roll with her. She changed her life for him! Or, if he had decided that it served him better to stay, he would have just continued his cowardly affair. Regardless, you caught him unawares, his plan was thwarted or postponed, and he had to face his brutalization of you.
Is he still lying?
It is telling that he initially lied at discovery. His first reaction was to protect OW and the affair, until he realized that you had proof. He is still protecting her and trying to assert control by asking you to not contact her.
What did you previously mean by ‘after a day of trepidation’ he decided to stay with you. Was he upset about having to choose? Did he need a whole day to decide?
I don’t know how much of a real conscience your husband has, or how much empathy. His entire confessional yesterday could have been another performance of deception to keep you onside until he and OW regroup.
I don’t know if his “bitterly ashamed” is authentic remorse for your pain, or regret that his self-image is now tarnished. After all, he has proven to be egocentric. If the remorse is for devastating you and your marriage, will it be be enough to effect change and prevent a repeat? His weak boundaries and sense of entitlement are still there.
Read the posts by @MrSorry as a model of a man working to learn why he cheated and how he now protects his fidelity.