Husband had an affair

[RDOlem]

Just found out my husband has been having an affair and I'm devastated. I feel sick, I feel gutted and I feel absolutely heartbroken 😰
He told me about a fortnight ago he wasn't happy and hadn't been happy for a few months. Said he needed time to get his head together. I so didn't see it coming. I admit it hasn't been great, we've both been so busy. We have three small children, I had a lot of work pressures going on and he works away 3/4 days a week. We'd forgotten to make time for each other.
I was shocked with this revelation but gave him his time to get his head together, however on on Thursday he left his work phone behind and all became clear... my worst nightmare became a reality. He was having an affair with a work colleague 😰
When he got home and I challenged him, at first he denied it - but eventually admitted he was having an affair... he claims she started out as a confidante but developed into an intimate relationship. He tells me this only started a month ago...
I have never felt pain like it.
He's ended it with her and wants to repair and rebuild our marriage, but I feel he still has feelings for her. I love my husband but I bloody hate what he's done to me and our family. I'm numb 😰

No, I told him to leave the day I found out. For me, there was no going back from the messages I saw and the images of them together in my head. The trust was gone and I won’t live my life like that. He is still with her so I probably pushed them together but he had clearly already checked out of our marriage when he crossed a line with her and I won’t chase after someone who thinks so little of me.

With 3 small dc, what was he thinking of? He probably felt "neglected". I hope he's honest about finishing it. He really needs to look for another job

I'm so sorry to read this. What a truly rotten situation. It looks like there are people who have been in your shoes (or close to) and left, and others that stayed. I think, for me, it would be about being super honest to myself about who I am as a person. I'd really love to be pragmatic, play a long game, view one off affairs as things that can potentially be worked through, but in reality I know that I'd be tormented every day, doubt myself, doubt him, resent having sex, say mean little things to him about it years later, feel rage and bitterness at how he'd made me feel and so on. From that start point, whilst I know it'd cut me into little bits in the moment and immediate months, I know that for me, leaving would probably be the only response. I've not been in your shoes, so I've no idea really how I'd react, but I guess that's what I'd be thinking. Anyway, sending love to you and your littlies. However dark things feel right now, imagine the different options and think about what they might feel like in a year. Visualise staying with him and imagine how that might look if it's good and if it's bad. The imagine living on your own with the children, and try to picture the good things that that might bring (I think I'd paint MY bedroom whorehouse pink and eat toast crumbs in bed all day - woohoo!), and then the worst case scenarios. Hope that helps.

So he wanted to leave before you found out about the cheating? Did he want to not be seen as the reason for divorce so now is backpedaling?

Yes I have been on both sides @RDOlem and I’ll be honest, yes I was in love with him. It absolutely broke my heart, as he had promised me the moon and the stars. He took me out to restaurants and things so it wasn’t a hidden thing, but they were always pretty far away from our hometown..I should have guessed.

I was broken for quite a long time, but it was seeing how he dragged my name through the mud to cover his arse that really hurt. Something I’ve seen my boyfriends do when they’ve been caught out. “She meant nothing” etc.
No I have never contacted him. Like I said, I honestly wanted to message her and let her know what a liar he is, but I thought of the child.

Does this other woman know about you and the children?

So many times the OW is told it's over...and then he contacts her to say...I had to show my wife it was over.

That message really means nothing if they want to carry on.

Affairs thrive in secrecy...shine the light on it and tell her husband. Right now she's not facing any consequences... and her husband deserves to know he's being betrayed.

Chinks I know you say you thought of the child but now that child and it's mother are living with a POS in ignorance. If the wife would have found out what he was really like, she could have chosen a life where she was cherished and respected by a better partner. Or at least made an informed choice to stay. These men fuck up so badly and then it's still left with women to deal with and carry the burden.

OP, I'm so sorry. My advice isn't what you want to read, but in my experience there is layer upon layer of deceit in cheating situations. You will demand and maybe even plead for details and he will finally reveal the answers but there will always be more. Then you will probably find out more but then there will be something else that clicks into place months, maybe even years down the line. It's a horrid way to live. There are always little tricks they have to make you think they've finished with the other woman but in truth, they will only do that when they're good and ready, not just because they've been caught out.
All of the because it's just shit.

I have been in your shoes and feel your pain. It's horrendous. It didn't work out for me and my husband. After asking him to leave after finding out he was having an affair he worked his way back in and then re started affair. This was over a period of 4 years. I also know marriages that have got over affairs. Keypoints I would say is he genuinely remorseful? Does he treat you well? Would you want your children to be married to someone like him? Affairs are part and parcel of everyday life unfortunately however people do make mistakes and you can work through them. My husband was remorseful for a while then reverted to the Jekyll and Hyde personality. Nice one minute horrible the next. It is really hard to get over the trust issue as well I walked around with a knot in my stomach for months and felt terrible anxiety however I think I knew deep down affair had restarted. Now he's gone it's tough but no where near as tough as being with someone who you know is lying to you so whatever happens you will be ok. My anxiety has gone and once the divorce is through I am excited about the rest of my life. Maybe not the one I envisaged for me and my children but a far happier one than if I had stayed in the marriage. I think if your husband is genuinely remorseful and really makes am effort you can get through this. The first sign of any change eg blaming you, moodiness then I think it's time to go.

Up until this horrific situation, he really did treat me well, he's so kind, so thoughtful, so attentive . That's why this is so damn hard. I would never have imagined he was even capable of this....
He admits he's completely 'f@*ked up" and he swears to put 100% into rebuilding our marriage - I'm just so scared, feeling heartbroken and betrayed and unsure I can put this all behind me, even though that's completely what I want to do. Suppose all I can do is take one day at a time and hopefully get through this horrendous nightmare 😰

Unfortunately @BlancheM she wouldn’t have believed me. He told her I came on to him, that he was tricked, that he was an innocent little lamb basically. He also told her I was a pathological liar and I would tell her things to split them up, so I would have just been painted as crazy and jealous. We were in a relationship in my eyes, we had sex, he told me he loved me...
It really opened my eyes to just how much people can lie. Can you tell I’m still bitter

@RDO, this man has betrayed you in the worst way. He has been lying and treating you with contempt, creating emotional distance between you to justify his cheating. He felt entitled to take a sledgehammer and shatter your marriage and sabotage his children’s well-being.

Find your anger. He needs to experience some sharp consequences. I would send him away for a while to let him know what the loss of you feels like. Tell him that YOU need time to consider the status of the marriage. If you allow him to stay right now, he will likely see it as a green light to cheat again and will lose respect for you.

He will be panicking that he got caught and promising you the moon, but, realistically, he was declaring love and making plans with OW only a few days ago. The attraction for her is still there. His weak character traits are still there. You cannot trust that it is over. He did not come to you and come clean, and on discovery he initially lied.

Most cheaters minimize on discovery, so you likely do not have the full truth. If feelings, sex and plans were involved, then the affair has probably been going on for longer than a month. If you decide to forgive, you must have the whole truth, so you will know what it is you’re forgiving. Everything, even what he told her about you and your marriage. Tell him that if you discover he’s still lying, it’s over.

His affair was not due to your being busy with children and neglecting the marriage. This is not about you at all. Do not allow him to deflect any blame to you. Please not do the Pick Me Dance to somehow compete with OW.

People who cheat have weak boundaries, a sense of entitlement, and poor coping mechanisms. The affair is a reflection of how they see themselves. Some are drawn to the risk, the unknown, the adventure, or to a previous version of themselves. Some use an affair partner as an escape or ego boost.

If you are going to try to work it out, I would insist that he do all the work necessary to help you heal and restore your trust. That includes individual counseling for him, to dig deep, investigate, and change the personality traits and behaviors that caused him to cheat and decimate his family.

He must provide full transparency with devices, phone records, bank and credit card statements.

He must take all your anger and hurt, and answer all questions whenever you ask.

You would benefit from counseling as a safe place to express your feelings and to organize your thoughts. Shine a light on his despicable behavior by telling people. You need all of the support you can get.

Bless you.

OP., I posted on here a month ago .I felt exactly as you are describing and got a lot of support on here.My husband , too, was one of the "good guys".
You are going through a traumatic time at the moment and it is so hard to get past it at the moment to think straight.I assure you that this stage will pass. And you are being really strong, keeping yourself going for the DCs.
We are going to counselling together now.I needed to see if it could ever be fixed.Although my first response was to kick his cheating arse to the kerb.
The fact that your DH says he stopped all contact and wants to give you 100% is a positive start.If he had normally been a decent guy , there may be hope.
My DH says he was able to compartmentalize his life and not think
He claims he still doesn't know what motivated him.Both of us are figuring this out.I still have moments when I think " Why am I still here with this lying cheating guy ".And things I know about haunt me and I get upset all over again.
I know that going straight to counselling is not always possible. But we were given some guidelines that might help you.
1: He has to stop all contact with OW immediately . Delete or block her number and show you.
2: He had to honestly answer all questions you ask him.
3: Try to speak calmly ( this is hard without a 3rd person ) and take turns so that the other person talks without interruption.
4: Ask each other what you want ...To TRY to stay in the marriage or to split as civilly as possible.And someone on here said that just because you are willing to stay and try now , doesn't mean you can't change in 6 months.

I feel so sorry for you and your DCs going through this. I think I cried for a whole two weeks, couldn't eat or sleep or think about anything else.Hating him for causing all this pain.But , I guess humans are resilient and this stage does pass.Try and be good to yourself, don't make any big decisions while you still feel like this.And it is your decision what to do - other people will have opinions but it is YOUR marriage and YOUR life.It seems like the end of everything right now , but if you are both willing , you may eventually get to a peaceful place together.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond and give me advice, it really helps to get it all out and hear your opinions/stories. I managed a few hours sleep last night so that's progress, however as soon as my eyes open my thoughts are consumed with this horrendous nightmare.
I've put together a list of questions and he's agreed to answer everything I need to know with honesty and transparency (I'm certain what I'm going to hear will sting like crazy)
At this time I can't even comprehend not having a future with him, together, to raise our children but I will not be second best.... he has already destroyed a part of me, I won't let that destruction continue or it will crush my whole being. And then what would I become?
I have organised some counselling and arranged to see the GP.
I will try my very best to reconcile, but I doubt I'll ever get over this horrific betrayal.
Maybe I'm prepared to make sacrifices for the sake of our children, they're my number 1 priority... just a pity he didn't put them first before jumping into bed with another woman 😢
These thruths are going to hurt....

@Ferfeckssake
How are you now? 4 weeks isn't that long ago? Are you feeling you are able to cope any better? Have your palpitations gone?
I know you it's only fresh for you too but do you think you will be able to rebuild your marriage? Did your husband reveal the whole truth?
Sorry for all the questions xx

Oh OP, please, please listen to MsDogLady's advice - she is absolutely spot on. And it is for your husband to work to reconcile! It is he who has committed this earth-shattering act and betrayed you and your children!

And please don't believe he will reveal all - he will disclose the bare 'acceptable' minimum whilst dressing it up as the full story. When did you last hear of the accused in the dock in court admitting everything? It's not human nature to do so and remember too that he has an established relationship with her that has excluded you - he has placed a wall between you and them. He won't automatically swing back to making you his number one - there has to be totalno contact and if that means looking for another job, so be it.

I am so very sorry- I could have written every word of your post a few years ago. It is horrendous and unless you have been through it personally it is very difficult to understand the depth of pain it causes.

@Dancingtothemusicoftime
How did your nightmare end? Did you manage to reconcile or is it over?

@MsDogLady
Thank you so much - this really helps 💖

Hi OP, we are still together 8 years down the line but it's been the hardest thing I've ever done. I did it all 'wrong' initially- cried, begged (on my knees, FFS!), hysterical bonding, the Pick Me Dance. I cringe now when I think about it

He said all the things your H has said. And he lied. They usually do. He didn't break off contact despite claiming to do so - never underestimate how they will collude with the OW.

I stayed for the reasons you have cited: the DC and because I loved him so much. It has been a long, agonising haul but we are still together. But as another MN'etter wrote so brilliantly on another thread, the light for me has gone out and he's just another bloke whose betrayed his wife. I love him still but i will be forever cynical about him.

There's a long haul ahead of you OP - if you want to save this marriage and your sanity I suggest you do as MsDog suggests - get him gone for now so he can truly taste the loss of you and his lovely family life

So sorry for you. He broke his vow to you. Only you know how you feel, but be aware that those feelings may change over the days/weeks/months and even years to come. Find the strength to hold it together and don't rush into any decisions just yet. You probably need some space...

Ask anything.You can also look at my previous posts to see the progression I made.
My situation was different to yours in that I probably older , with DCs in their 20s.Married nearly 30 years! He was working away, home at weekends.It went from EA which ended to website browsing.
It sounds unforgivable and as I said the level of lies and deceit were overwhelming to me .Me, who always said that I would NEVER tolerate cheating.
But I went to therapy as I wanted to be able to understand and cope with things and be at peace in my own mind.
He was truly remorseful , said he was glad it was out in the open as he was terrified to tell me, was consumed with guilt and felt he had truly lost his way.
And YEAH, YEAH , I 'm thinking ,he would say that.Which is why I told no one in RL as I didn't want to be judged if we decided to stay together.
I know 4 weeks is still soon but it is a very intense and all consuming as it is all we talk about. The therapy has truly helped and we are only 3 weeks into 8 week .Therapist said " Isn't 30 years of marriage worth 8 weeks?"I think my DH finds it a place where he can talk without fear of me getting angry or upset ( I do ! ),And he can't continue . And therapist says that he has to deal with the consequences of his actions and acknowledge how devastated I am.And stresses that he has to TRUTHFULLY answer any questions I have.

The pain you are feeling now is because you are going through a traumatic thing.I too, cried, screamed , felt sick and the horrible gut wrenching feeling that you are experiencing.But this intended DOES pass.I would advise you to not make any big decisions while you feel like this.I still have my sad moments, still get upset and cry , but my calmer times are increasing .
You are a great Mum to be able to get up everyday and tend to your DCs. Be proud
I know that my first reaction was LTB .And I agree with what every one says about never trusting again, etc. But only you and your DH can decide and know if you want to stay together.
I am so glad that I agreed to try . And I can always go if I feel I need to .But so far , I am OK and can't believe how different it is from the beginning of this.If nothing else, I have my sanity back.
So sorry you are going through this .Be well and take care of yourself

OP please consider whether he’s only sorry because you found out. If you hadn’t checked his phone would he still be seeing her now? Is he really full of regret or is he sorry he got caught? Personally, I couldn’t carry on knowing I’ll never trust him again. But only you know if you can cope with this grief. I think I am far too insecure to deal with trust issues.

I agree with those who said to shine a light on it. Tell people, tell her husband. At the moment you aren't a real person to her. You are the little wife at home, boring and full of the drudgery of normal life. She's wrong. Show her that you are a real person and she can't go around fucking other people's husbands without consequences.

Counselling will also hopefully help you although I'm not sure what the GP can do about it.

I'm totally with @Dancingtothemusicoftime the light has gone for me to. The man I married is gone, I'm over a year on and just can't get past it. Day in day out I read another awful story in here or yet another married man who's destroyed his family for the sake of his ego boosting selfishness. I'm so sorry I don't have more positive words for you, in fact if I could rewind to a year ago in your shoes right now I'd ditch and move on. At least give yourself some space and ask him to leave for the time being.. try to eat little and often and speak to someone in real life about what's happened. Love and hugs xx

Apparently she has told her husband, and is living at her mothers. Following him ending it, She has contacted him asking for a face to face meeting, then promises to leave him alone. He has told her No. I only hope he's telling me the truth.

I have so many questions i need answers to - and frankly I'm shitting myself with the answers he might give. But surely dealing with the truth (or as much as an adulterer is prepared to disclose) is better than orchestrating the answers inside my own head...
I'm so grateful for you all taking the time to respond to me - I have 3 best friends who are getting me through this (I haven't told my family, probably because I'm trying to protect him) but it helps more than you know to be with people who have felt this unfortunate gut wrenching pain. I would never wish this feeling on anyone... (well, except the OW of course)
Thank you so much xx