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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I right to think he's abusive/nuts and I need help?

159 replies

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 04/02/2019 15:18

Ok, I'll start by saying I feel like the worlds biggest idiot writing this. Single for 8 years raising severely autistic son alone (don't worry he's in supported living now, not here, an intelligent woman but one who also has a tendancy to numb anything upsetting and just get on with it.

I've been with him a month. He kept visiting work to see me and ask me out. From day 3 he was telling me he loved me, showered me with affection, made me feel great.

A month in and I can't get rid. He insists on staying at my house every night and won't leavr when I tell him. IfI try to call anyone ge takes my phone. He then turns it on me saying I just can't believe anyone would want me because I'm fat and he's done enough to prove he likes me..

He threatens me if I try to break up with him or ask for time to myself. He's threatened to have my dog savaged,to put me to sleep permamently, that I'd be 'gotten' by him and his alleged rough mates, he'll getme sacked, tell everyone I'm pregnant (?!)...

He drinks every day. Didn't for 2 weeks but came back fast.

When he's nice he's lovely but he turns very quickly.

He meets me at work, even when i don't want him to, and ends up in my house refusing to leave. He even takes over the tv and my phone and punches the sofa if I dare complain about it. He shouts that I should get a TV package that suits him (yes, really) and many other things.

He likes to try and manipulate. He'll turn up screwing one side of his face up asking if I notice anything different and saying he's been punched in the eye for me. He's not a good actor! He'll try that and claiming there are fights and various other nonsense to try and get me to agree for him to stay at mine?!

I've known there is something wrong for the past 2 weeks. Been terrified but also doubting myself Blush which is stupid, I know!

I couldn't bury my head any more when it came to another night when i wanted him gone (and I've barely slept for weeks as he won't leave and stays up until early hours watching tv and not letting me sleep -he doesn't work but pretends he does).

He was watching his stupid tva programmes and was shouting, proper angry shouting not typical 'you idiot' stuff some people do at the tv. He was shouting aggressively because a boy in hospital was asking for his mum. Apparently this is unacceptable because his dad was there. He was really going livid. He decided his mother must be off partying and going on a out how disgusting it is that he wants his mum when his dad is there and the dad ust be devastated. I tried pointing out he wanted his mum because she wasn't there and him and his dad were obviously close,he just wanted his mum too and would probably ask for his dad in opposite scenario. Nope. Not at all.apparently all women are evil. He said he wants to get me pregnant and then he'll take the baby away and never let me see it. Apparently this is what women do to men! He's said a few times he wants to get me pregnant.

I told him I wanted him to leave and he ignored me. Told him again and again, he took my phone and tried to smash it, tried throwing the tv remote through the window, threatened repeatedly that if he ended up having to go that he would get me sacked and I had to watch out because I would be gotten. I was hyperventilating and thought he was about to hurt me. I caved and let him stay through fear.

Following day said I needed space and I wanted the entire night and following day to myself. He flipped. Then agreed. The. He turned up at work and wouldn't leave my house when i got home. Insisted on next 2 days and he just turns up on my doorstep. His sister warned me he was visiting 'because he knows you need space but he loves you' ?!

His sister has advised me to phone the police if he doesn't go away.

I'm planning to contact them this afternoon as I know he'll be on my doorstep tonight.

I'm not being an idiot am I? This really isn't fucking normal and I'm right to be scared?

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 07/02/2019 15:43

Have you logged this at work so that he's not allowed entry to the building etc? sorry if I've missed something saying you have.

donajimena · 07/02/2019 15:53

Utterly terrifying. Please tell us you are ok.

purpleboy · 07/02/2019 16:09

How are you triptrap? X

mummmy2017 · 07/02/2019 16:16

Make a joke out of it.. yeah it's a food baby.

The ways to disarm someone is to let the lie be known about...
People love gossip ..

Crazy ex recons we are having a baby, it's not me, so do you think the tabloids will pay much for a man being pregnant?

coppercolouredtop · 07/02/2019 18:03

Op
Police should seriously have warned him off by now.

Breathe a sigh of relief and put it down to experience.

If he comes anywhere near you call 999 and ignore him. Dont engage at all.

You need strong boundaries with this idiot.

Xmastummyhasgonebig · 07/02/2019 19:28

He sounds awful, have you spoken to him? Sad

Shinesweetfreedom · 07/02/2019 19:46

Please make sure he cannot post anything through the door while the dog is there if you get my drift.Have the police said anything more about his past.I think someone mentioned Claire’s Law.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 07/02/2019 21:26

According to workmates he hasn't been up to work for a few days so hopefully the police have sorted him, possibly with assistance of his family. Hoping he does stay away. Just want to find out what else he's been saying in our area!

Couple of big guys at work are accompanying me out too!

waffley sadly, as I work in a hospital the police can't really stop him going there unless he does something there.

Had to have friends watching my house tonight too due to my dog and his threats to blow my house up too - I'm a self employed jeweller by day and therefore have propane at home...

Lots of mixed feelings today. Fear, relief, outright hilarity and also a touch of sadness that it was all shit :(

OP posts:
TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 07/02/2019 21:27

Shine they said it had gone far past consideration under Clares Law so had me in and went straight out to him

OP posts:
SteveMcqueensJeans · 08/02/2019 07:01

I agree it's gone beyond a Claire's law disclosure now. Although should by any chance you wobble and consider start having contact or discussions with him again in the future, applying for a disclosure might help you maintain your resolve if you find out he has form for this stuff. He doesn't have to have convictions just sufficient intelligence on police systems that they would feel it was necessary to disclose to you. I know you likely feel you will never go near him again but these types of characters are adept at what they do and can be highly manipulative. God you are ok though. I'm intrigued by 'jewellery maker by day' and hospital worker - is that by night 😉? Very contrasting jobs!

SteveMcqueensJeans · 08/02/2019 07:01

*glad not god!

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 08/02/2019 08:51

steve need care/health experience to apply for masters in art therapy in the future :) I want a dual career and working the evenings helps save towards it too!

OP posts:
nowheretorunorhide · 08/02/2019 09:37

Wow he sounds so unhinged. Hope you're ok and keep yourself safe. I'm waiting for a disclosure on clares law about my partner who doesn't seem right. Unfortunately I live with him and I don't think he'll make it easy for me to leave.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 09/02/2019 12:55

No sign of him still, thankfully, but I've been left a bit on edge today.

Two people were ringing my doorbell together earlier and I didn't answer as wasn't expecting anyone and am being careful. One woman then went onto my garden by my living room window, I'm assuming to try and look in, then phoned someone and said 'yeah we're at her house but there doesn't seem to be anyone in'. Then they left. Once dog had given up telling me they were in my front garden I peeked round the window and saw 2 women, late 20's or early 30's, walking away, casually dressed. Now concerned this was his sister and someone else. Whoever it was it was not normal!

OP posts:
PlinkPlink · 09/02/2019 13:10

God this is terrifying OP!

Stay safe. Don't take any unnecessary risks and, if you can, always have a friend or a work colleague escort you home. I know it sounds extreme but it's really not.

This man is clearly mentally ill.

You poor thing, sending lots of hugs.

another20 · 09/02/2019 15:29

Sounds really dodgy - anyone of relevance to you would text ahead - or drop in a note if they couldn’t contact you. Be careful. You don’t need to discuss anything with anyone.

shallichangemyname · 09/02/2019 15:53

Could have been domestic violence officers who all wear plain clothes not uniform. In the wake of my "experience" I had all sorts visiting me from both police and other agencies. There was also some confusion which led to a welfare check being done.

coppercolouredtop · 09/02/2019 19:31

im pretty sure it would be someone from the police or DV liaison - i really think you could have answered the door to two women. why dont you get a chain for the door? is that possilbe if you are worried? or id have called from an upstairs window to see what they wanted and who they were.

Jamhandprints · 09/02/2019 21:53

@nowheretorunorhide hope you're ok too. I think you should call Women's Aid. They can help you leave.

Isitmybathtimeyet · 10/02/2019 16:38

Triptrap, are you OK?

nowheretorunorhide · 11/02/2019 08:48

@Jamhandprints I have called womans aid and in contact with police for clares law. It's very complicated situation and hard to leave.

bibliomania · 11/02/2019 14:25

Hi OP, glad he's gone. It sounds like he has a history of moving on quite quickly once he's rumbled, so hopefully he'll leave you alone now.

Babynut1 · 11/02/2019 21:42

Hi Op, just checking that everything is ok with you. Your post was very worrying so hope that everything is ok and you’re safe x

RandomMess · 11/02/2019 22:01

I hope you are ok Thanks

Youvegotafriendinme · 11/02/2019 22:06

Gosh, you poor thing. I really hope your ok. Stay safe