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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I right to think he's abusive/nuts and I need help?

159 replies

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 04/02/2019 15:18

Ok, I'll start by saying I feel like the worlds biggest idiot writing this. Single for 8 years raising severely autistic son alone (don't worry he's in supported living now, not here, an intelligent woman but one who also has a tendancy to numb anything upsetting and just get on with it.

I've been with him a month. He kept visiting work to see me and ask me out. From day 3 he was telling me he loved me, showered me with affection, made me feel great.

A month in and I can't get rid. He insists on staying at my house every night and won't leavr when I tell him. IfI try to call anyone ge takes my phone. He then turns it on me saying I just can't believe anyone would want me because I'm fat and he's done enough to prove he likes me..

He threatens me if I try to break up with him or ask for time to myself. He's threatened to have my dog savaged,to put me to sleep permamently, that I'd be 'gotten' by him and his alleged rough mates, he'll getme sacked, tell everyone I'm pregnant (?!)...

He drinks every day. Didn't for 2 weeks but came back fast.

When he's nice he's lovely but he turns very quickly.

He meets me at work, even when i don't want him to, and ends up in my house refusing to leave. He even takes over the tv and my phone and punches the sofa if I dare complain about it. He shouts that I should get a TV package that suits him (yes, really) and many other things.

He likes to try and manipulate. He'll turn up screwing one side of his face up asking if I notice anything different and saying he's been punched in the eye for me. He's not a good actor! He'll try that and claiming there are fights and various other nonsense to try and get me to agree for him to stay at mine?!

I've known there is something wrong for the past 2 weeks. Been terrified but also doubting myself Blush which is stupid, I know!

I couldn't bury my head any more when it came to another night when i wanted him gone (and I've barely slept for weeks as he won't leave and stays up until early hours watching tv and not letting me sleep -he doesn't work but pretends he does).

He was watching his stupid tva programmes and was shouting, proper angry shouting not typical 'you idiot' stuff some people do at the tv. He was shouting aggressively because a boy in hospital was asking for his mum. Apparently this is unacceptable because his dad was there. He was really going livid. He decided his mother must be off partying and going on a out how disgusting it is that he wants his mum when his dad is there and the dad ust be devastated. I tried pointing out he wanted his mum because she wasn't there and him and his dad were obviously close,he just wanted his mum too and would probably ask for his dad in opposite scenario. Nope. Not at all.apparently all women are evil. He said he wants to get me pregnant and then he'll take the baby away and never let me see it. Apparently this is what women do to men! He's said a few times he wants to get me pregnant.

I told him I wanted him to leave and he ignored me. Told him again and again, he took my phone and tried to smash it, tried throwing the tv remote through the window, threatened repeatedly that if he ended up having to go that he would get me sacked and I had to watch out because I would be gotten. I was hyperventilating and thought he was about to hurt me. I caved and let him stay through fear.

Following day said I needed space and I wanted the entire night and following day to myself. He flipped. Then agreed. The. He turned up at work and wouldn't leave my house when i got home. Insisted on next 2 days and he just turns up on my doorstep. His sister warned me he was visiting 'because he knows you need space but he loves you' ?!

His sister has advised me to phone the police if he doesn't go away.

I'm planning to contact them this afternoon as I know he'll be on my doorstep tonight.

I'm not being an idiot am I? This really isn't fucking normal and I'm right to be scared?

OP posts:
Mamimawr · 05/02/2019 08:47

How are things this morning OP? Did he turn up last night?

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 05/02/2019 10:31

Police are involved and I'll be going into the station after I visit my son in a bit. They've said its too late for a domestic violence disclosure and want to see me urgently.

I have an inkling he's known. He, according to him, has exes all over the country and it appears he was pretty much moving in with them straight away. They all, allegedly, cheated on him - every single one (but he lied about his past to start with, then it started coming out when he started getting scary). He told me he started drinking when his daughter was stillborn and her mother was constantly partying and getting drunk. All very very dubious.

I've been a total idiot, pushing away my fears and inner voice shouting at me, because I wasn't sure if it was me, he didn't show up last night and I'm not sure if that's because his family have stepped in, he's just gone or he's playing a game - he said he'd be here last night and I wouldn't put it past his twisted mind to think that not turning up would make me worry about him and feel shit (he said the other day he'd had enough of my behaviour and lack of affection to try and make me cave 😂) then turn up out of the blue. Either way, I can't just let it go and need to make sure the police know everything.

It also transpires that he'd previously asked others at work out too - despite him claiming the reason he ended up visiting work so much was because he really liked me and wanted to ask me out!

Will update you all later

OP posts:
another20 · 05/02/2019 10:35

Wow. So glad you are seeing the police. Be very careful. This must be very shocking for you - take time to look after yourself to recover.

another20 · 05/02/2019 10:36

Can someone accompany you to the police as sometimes things don’t go in if you hear some bad news.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 05/02/2019 10:41

Yeah, friend is going with me. She's met him too! Workmates are willing to talk to police if needed aswell

OP posts:
Ragnarhairybreetches · 05/02/2019 10:42

If they want to see you urgently he has form. At least they will react fast if you need them now he's been flagged again. Keep safe OP Flowers

RomanticFatigue · 05/02/2019 10:43

Good luck in getting away from him OP. Glad you have involved the police.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 05/02/2019 11:43

Not sure what's happening now. At the end

OP posts:
TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 05/02/2019 11:47

At the end of this mornings phonecall with the police they said they'd call me back within 20 or so minutes to arrange seeing me, she was just passing details to the seargant. That was over 2 hours ago. Not sure if they aren't so bothered, have had other stuff to deal with or if they know him and have gone to see him?

OP posts:
Canthearthroughmyglasses · 05/02/2019 11:53

Very dangerous. If you are struggling with what to say to the police, show them this post to read. This is terrifying.

Thinking of you and hope you get this dealt with now.

bibliomania · 05/02/2019 12:54

Please stop accusing yourself of being stupid - you're not the first and you want me the last to find yourself caught up in such a situation. The fault is with him, not with you.

The police thing is frustrating. I've occasionally had to speak with specific officers (for work) and there can be delays because one particular person was meant to speak to you and they've been caught up with something else.

Keep yourself safe - can you stay with a friend/relative for a few days?

bibliomania · 05/02/2019 12:54

*you won't be the last (not you want me!)

Desmondo2016 · 05/02/2019 12:55

The police will contact you first and I'm sure it will be today. In terms of how police prioritise logs, if you are 'safe' ie not at IMMEDIATE risk of harm then it won't be a super quick response unfortunately.

minmooch · 05/02/2019 13:04

I'm not entirely sure why you don't change the locks whilst he is out and refuse him entry?

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 05/02/2019 13:08

They've called and I've got an appointment at 2:30.
minmooch he doesn't have a key. I stupidly answered the door the 2 days I wasn't at work as I was scared over what he would do if I didn't. Yes stupid, but I was trying to play safe if that makes sense. Every other time he's been there when I finish work and on the bus with me. He lives a 10 minute walk from me too!

OP posts:
Eatmycheese · 05/02/2019 13:16

Sorry, this is not a delicate way to phrase things, but he is absolutely fucking nuts. He sounds as though he needs urgent psychiatric help and he is clearly unwell. I don’t blame you for being terrified.

Please keep us posted on how you are and I hope the police come through for you and deal with him effectively so you can feel less vulnerable.💐

Bombardier25966 · 05/02/2019 13:44

The vast majority of very nasty men are not mentally unwell. They are just very nasty men.

I hope your meeting with the police is constructive OP, they'll support you in keeping yourself safe and secure.

AhhhHereItGoes · 05/02/2019 13:54

He sounds mentally unwell.

I would be very surprised if he did not have form.

Stay safe 💐

Wintermonster · 05/02/2019 14:06

Good luck with your police appointment.
So glad you're getting this dangerous creep out of your life

SabineUndine · 05/02/2019 15:08

He's bound to be well known to the police. Stay safe, sweetie.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 05/02/2019 16:31

Police are on their way to him now. If he tries approaching me from now on he'll be arrested. I've been advised to stay with friend tonight and they asked me to contact work as soon as I get home so they can have something in place if he turns up. Officer actually said he sounds unhinged!

Feel nervous, sick and relieved but also kinda sad that the nice guy that he before turning insane isn't the one he really is :(I kinda miss that one. It's fucking horrible

OP posts:
yearinyearout · 05/02/2019 16:36

He is an absolute loon and you really need to call the police and tell them everything, then get an injunction against him.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 05/02/2019 16:38

Glad they’re taking it seriously OP. Did they say whether he has form?

hellsbellsmelons · 05/02/2019 16:39

I'm glad the police are helping you with all of this.
You've been brave OP and protected yourself.
Well done, and I really hope he keeps away from you now.

mummmy2017 · 05/02/2019 16:40

Well done for sorting a bad relationship so fast

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