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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I right to think he's abusive/nuts and I need help?

159 replies

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 04/02/2019 15:18

Ok, I'll start by saying I feel like the worlds biggest idiot writing this. Single for 8 years raising severely autistic son alone (don't worry he's in supported living now, not here, an intelligent woman but one who also has a tendancy to numb anything upsetting and just get on with it.

I've been with him a month. He kept visiting work to see me and ask me out. From day 3 he was telling me he loved me, showered me with affection, made me feel great.

A month in and I can't get rid. He insists on staying at my house every night and won't leavr when I tell him. IfI try to call anyone ge takes my phone. He then turns it on me saying I just can't believe anyone would want me because I'm fat and he's done enough to prove he likes me..

He threatens me if I try to break up with him or ask for time to myself. He's threatened to have my dog savaged,to put me to sleep permamently, that I'd be 'gotten' by him and his alleged rough mates, he'll getme sacked, tell everyone I'm pregnant (?!)...

He drinks every day. Didn't for 2 weeks but came back fast.

When he's nice he's lovely but he turns very quickly.

He meets me at work, even when i don't want him to, and ends up in my house refusing to leave. He even takes over the tv and my phone and punches the sofa if I dare complain about it. He shouts that I should get a TV package that suits him (yes, really) and many other things.

He likes to try and manipulate. He'll turn up screwing one side of his face up asking if I notice anything different and saying he's been punched in the eye for me. He's not a good actor! He'll try that and claiming there are fights and various other nonsense to try and get me to agree for him to stay at mine?!

I've known there is something wrong for the past 2 weeks. Been terrified but also doubting myself Blush which is stupid, I know!

I couldn't bury my head any more when it came to another night when i wanted him gone (and I've barely slept for weeks as he won't leave and stays up until early hours watching tv and not letting me sleep -he doesn't work but pretends he does).

He was watching his stupid tva programmes and was shouting, proper angry shouting not typical 'you idiot' stuff some people do at the tv. He was shouting aggressively because a boy in hospital was asking for his mum. Apparently this is unacceptable because his dad was there. He was really going livid. He decided his mother must be off partying and going on a out how disgusting it is that he wants his mum when his dad is there and the dad ust be devastated. I tried pointing out he wanted his mum because she wasn't there and him and his dad were obviously close,he just wanted his mum too and would probably ask for his dad in opposite scenario. Nope. Not at all.apparently all women are evil. He said he wants to get me pregnant and then he'll take the baby away and never let me see it. Apparently this is what women do to men! He's said a few times he wants to get me pregnant.

I told him I wanted him to leave and he ignored me. Told him again and again, he took my phone and tried to smash it, tried throwing the tv remote through the window, threatened repeatedly that if he ended up having to go that he would get me sacked and I had to watch out because I would be gotten. I was hyperventilating and thought he was about to hurt me. I caved and let him stay through fear.

Following day said I needed space and I wanted the entire night and following day to myself. He flipped. Then agreed. The. He turned up at work and wouldn't leave my house when i got home. Insisted on next 2 days and he just turns up on my doorstep. His sister warned me he was visiting 'because he knows you need space but he loves you' ?!

His sister has advised me to phone the police if he doesn't go away.

I'm planning to contact them this afternoon as I know he'll be on my doorstep tonight.

I'm not being an idiot am I? This really isn't fucking normal and I'm right to be scared?

OP posts:
Schweetcorn0000 · 04/02/2019 18:03

Call the police this is coercive control it is an offence. They will take you seriously. He has no right to frighten you or come into your home. Lock him out don’t answer the door to him. Call the police if he tries to get in at all.

Cheetahssitonfajitas · 04/02/2019 18:03

Make sure you do NOT answer the door to him nor allow him in your home ever again. He's unhinged.

Dieu · 04/02/2019 18:03

Jesus wept, call the police. If his sister isn't surprised then that's probably because he has form for this.

pictish · 04/02/2019 18:05

Oh. My. God.

Is there any plainer way to say that this person is a dangerous lunatic and you are at substantial risk in his company?

Yes the police! OF COURSE the police!!

Fucking hell.

JusttheTwoofUs3110 · 04/02/2019 18:06

I can't believe we actually have to spell it - call the police, for god's sake! Asap! I would also recommend counciling for you, because it's worrying that you are second guessing if his behaviour is semi acceptable. Wishing you all the best.

abcriskringle · 04/02/2019 18:06

Call the police!!! Do you have any friends / family you could rally round and have some people with you when he turns up? Fucking hell he sounds terrifying

RB68 · 04/02/2019 18:07

Yup change the locks and police - his sister was warning you. You also might need to go down the route of a non mol order as well

Megs4x3 · 04/02/2019 18:09

I hope you’ve called the police and you come back with the news that they helped you and you are safe now.

Bouledeneige · 04/02/2019 18:10

As everyone has said OP call the police, change the locks and tell work. I'd strongly recommend going to a friend or family to stay for a good while. Protect yourself!

My heart is with you.

Renarde1975 · 04/02/2019 18:12

OP. NEVER and I mean NEVER tell him that you're leaving him to your face again. He could kill you.

Leave immediately, go to a safe place and call the police. If he turns up there, call again.

Please be very VERY careful OP.

Renarde1975 · 04/02/2019 18:12

*To his face

ImTheDamnFoolThatShotHim · 04/02/2019 18:13

Please PLEASE speak to the police!

another20 · 04/02/2019 18:15

Copy and paste your post to text and show it to the police. Tell a neighbor / friend what is going on. Do not answer the door - make sure all windows and back door is locked.

Ribbonsonabox · 04/02/2019 18:16

Keep a journal detailing everything he does. Make copies of any texts he sends etc
Change your locks and call the police if he comes round. You are not overreacting to call the police at all!
This man sounds unhinged and this could escalate into violence in fact statistically it's very likely to.
Tell your friends and family what is happening.
Any type of threat he makes to you however small, ring 101 and report it.
If you have evidence such as text messages that show he is contacting you when you have asked him not to, then show that to the police and they can issue an harrassment warning...

Please dont think you are overreacting. His behaviour is incredibly abusive. Try to respond to him as little as possible ideally not at all... and write down times hes phoned you and what hes said, or make copies of texts, write down if hes come round your house uninvited etc ...
Show everything to the police. Do not ever hesitate to phone 999 if you feel in immediate physical danger.

So sorry you are going through this Flowers

sherrysfortea · 04/02/2019 18:17

Call this police OP he is unhinged and this is extremely serious I

FannytheW0nderDog · 04/02/2019 18:17

Restraining order straight away.

sherrysfortea · 04/02/2019 18:18

And keep your dog inside, be careful OP

FilledSoda · 04/02/2019 18:20

Some good advice here OP.
Remember you are not overreacting , this man is dangerous .

CatnissEverdene · 04/02/2019 18:22

Get a locksmith or friend to change your locks, chances are he's copied your keys if you haven't given him one. And yes to contacting the Police, what he's doing isn't on.

And please, don't bring someone into your life so quickly next time. You have a child at home, and you've known this man a month........ Shock

Giesabreak · 04/02/2019 18:25

@CatnissEverdene she doesn't have a child at home

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 04/02/2019 18:36

Catnisa my son is almost20 and not at home. I would NEVER do that.

Police have been contacted. I've warned frienda at work. Am currently at a friends across the road with a big burly neighbour here with ua

OP posts:
TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 04/02/2019 18:37

And yea I know I'm a fucking idiot. I'm kinda used to forms of abuse and just brushed it off as drunken stupidity etc. I've been terrified and thought it was something with me

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 04/02/2019 18:37

If he is coming to your work there are witnesses? Do your colleagues/bosses/clients see him? Call the police if he comes to your work.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 04/02/2019 18:38

What are the police saying?

HotSauceCommittee · 04/02/2019 18:42

This is what the police are for. Do not let him over your doorstep! Better to have a scene in the street and the police come.
I’d tell work as well so someone can escort you out to your car/public transport.
Honestly, don’t try to be nice or reasonable. Protect yourself and keep safe. You cannot be with this man alone. It’s only been a month. Work with the cops to get him out of your life.