Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I right to think he's abusive/nuts and I need help?

159 replies

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 04/02/2019 15:18

Ok, I'll start by saying I feel like the worlds biggest idiot writing this. Single for 8 years raising severely autistic son alone (don't worry he's in supported living now, not here, an intelligent woman but one who also has a tendancy to numb anything upsetting and just get on with it.

I've been with him a month. He kept visiting work to see me and ask me out. From day 3 he was telling me he loved me, showered me with affection, made me feel great.

A month in and I can't get rid. He insists on staying at my house every night and won't leavr when I tell him. IfI try to call anyone ge takes my phone. He then turns it on me saying I just can't believe anyone would want me because I'm fat and he's done enough to prove he likes me..

He threatens me if I try to break up with him or ask for time to myself. He's threatened to have my dog savaged,to put me to sleep permamently, that I'd be 'gotten' by him and his alleged rough mates, he'll getme sacked, tell everyone I'm pregnant (?!)...

He drinks every day. Didn't for 2 weeks but came back fast.

When he's nice he's lovely but he turns very quickly.

He meets me at work, even when i don't want him to, and ends up in my house refusing to leave. He even takes over the tv and my phone and punches the sofa if I dare complain about it. He shouts that I should get a TV package that suits him (yes, really) and many other things.

He likes to try and manipulate. He'll turn up screwing one side of his face up asking if I notice anything different and saying he's been punched in the eye for me. He's not a good actor! He'll try that and claiming there are fights and various other nonsense to try and get me to agree for him to stay at mine?!

I've known there is something wrong for the past 2 weeks. Been terrified but also doubting myself Blush which is stupid, I know!

I couldn't bury my head any more when it came to another night when i wanted him gone (and I've barely slept for weeks as he won't leave and stays up until early hours watching tv and not letting me sleep -he doesn't work but pretends he does).

He was watching his stupid tva programmes and was shouting, proper angry shouting not typical 'you idiot' stuff some people do at the tv. He was shouting aggressively because a boy in hospital was asking for his mum. Apparently this is unacceptable because his dad was there. He was really going livid. He decided his mother must be off partying and going on a out how disgusting it is that he wants his mum when his dad is there and the dad ust be devastated. I tried pointing out he wanted his mum because she wasn't there and him and his dad were obviously close,he just wanted his mum too and would probably ask for his dad in opposite scenario. Nope. Not at all.apparently all women are evil. He said he wants to get me pregnant and then he'll take the baby away and never let me see it. Apparently this is what women do to men! He's said a few times he wants to get me pregnant.

I told him I wanted him to leave and he ignored me. Told him again and again, he took my phone and tried to smash it, tried throwing the tv remote through the window, threatened repeatedly that if he ended up having to go that he would get me sacked and I had to watch out because I would be gotten. I was hyperventilating and thought he was about to hurt me. I caved and let him stay through fear.

Following day said I needed space and I wanted the entire night and following day to myself. He flipped. Then agreed. The. He turned up at work and wouldn't leave my house when i got home. Insisted on next 2 days and he just turns up on my doorstep. His sister warned me he was visiting 'because he knows you need space but he loves you' ?!

His sister has advised me to phone the police if he doesn't go away.

I'm planning to contact them this afternoon as I know he'll be on my doorstep tonight.

I'm not being an idiot am I? This really isn't fucking normal and I'm right to be scared?

OP posts:
Ragnarhairybreetches · 04/02/2019 18:43

Good luck OP. Many of us have missed red flags before so don't feel bad HOWEVER now is the time to get out and go strongly, IE with help and with the police informed. He must have a history of his sister warned you. Good luck x

theworldistoosmall · 04/02/2019 18:43

Would also recommend the freedom program

blessedbrianblessed · 04/02/2019 19:13

If you have not done it already OP then CALL THE POLICE NOW and tell them everything you have told us on this forum. This man is dangerous, you are at considerable risk from him and this situation will only get better if you get away from him for good and report him to the police now.

Then please call Women's Aid. Tell them everything. Accept all the help they offer, and ask to go on their Freedom Programme. On this you will learn to recognise the red flags - warning signs - that those of us who have been through this sort of thing can see easily now.

Get this man out of your life COMPLETELY.

And get support from others if you can for the next few days. Try not to be on your own if you can possibly avoid it. Stay with friends / family. Do not leave yourself open to this man's abuse. He is VILE!

Good luck - you can do this. You are doing it already by posting on here.

Bumblebee39 · 04/02/2019 19:55

I think you are dating my ex. Shock

Run, run as fast as you can and never look back

PsychedelicSheep · 04/02/2019 20:21

It's interesting that you say him telling you he loved you after 3 days 'made you feel wonderful'. It should not make you feel wonderful, it should make you feel freaked out and wary and should be recognised as the giant red flag it is.

You say you've experienced abuse a lot, this comes across. You could think about doing the freedom program to learn to spot these types quickly and to enforce boundaries with people in a more healthy way.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 04/02/2019 20:29

Psychadelic, tbh I was a bit flagged at that but brushed it off as being on a high from the laughter we'd had or being a tad drunk. I ended up laughing it off. I don't know what the fuck i was thinking tbh but it was so much fun to start with :(

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 04/02/2019 20:32

What did the police say? Where are you now? Any contact from him?

Renarde1975 · 04/02/2019 20:36

OP. There are a lot of people VERY concerned about your safety.

Are you somewhere safe and have you contacted the Police?

Gruzinkerbell1 · 04/02/2019 20:36

Stay safe, ring the police the second he turns up.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 04/02/2019 20:39

I am currently safe. Please be reassured about that! Will update by tomorrow but I'm safe x

OP posts:
wishingforapositiveyear · 04/02/2019 20:40

He sounds utterly terrifying , please speak to police and seek support from DV charities, get a non molestation order, secure your home and get friends to stay , also do a Claire's law disclosure. Do not speak to this maniac again , gave me chills reading this !

ILoveMaxiBondi · 04/02/2019 20:49

Sorry I realise I was asking you to put yourself at risk with that question. Ignore me. Glad you’re safe. Don’t take any risks. Police on speed dial. Be cautious when stepping out of wherever you are for work in the morning. Phone in hand. Flat shoes. Car keys at the ready to jump in and go.

NottonightJosepheen · 04/02/2019 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jamhandprints · 04/02/2019 21:00

Women's Aid will definitely believe you and offer you help. Google the number and call them. They will give you good advice.
I really hope you are ok.
This behaviour is in no way normal. You need help. Flowers

FromDespairToHere · 04/02/2019 21:27

Definitely 999 the next time he comes anywhere near you.

SPR1107 · 04/02/2019 21:35

He sounds terrifying. Glad you're safe tonight.. hope it stays that way

IndieTara · 04/02/2019 21:35

Do not be Alone with him

Witchofzog · 04/02/2019 21:42

This is the most terrifying thing I have read on here and I have been on mumsnet for 17 years. Please tell everyone as this sort of person thrives off secrecy. Get the police involved - they may be able to help with special alarms etc. And please post tomorrow to let us know you are safe

Bess78 · 04/02/2019 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tinofbeans · 04/02/2019 22:02

I hope you are ok OP x

foodenvy · 04/02/2019 22:06

He's latched onto you like a limpet. Get yourself help and get rid!! He sounds terrifying.

Haffiana · 04/02/2019 22:10

If you have actually contacted the police, then didn't they tell you he has done this before? He will certainly already have a record because this will be how he is with all women.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 04/02/2019 22:12

OP you can ask for a claires law disclosure on him from the police.

FromDespairToHere · 04/02/2019 22:33

And yes, as PP have said you need to shout this from the rooftops and make sure everybody knows.

Maelstrop · 04/02/2019 22:45

You need to ensure he doesn’t follow you. Can you change your work hours? Get the police 👮‍♀️ involved.

Swipe left for the next trending thread