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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

977 replies

jamaisjedors · 04/02/2019 12:12

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

OP posts:
SnapesGreasyHair · 23/02/2019 15:21

So what do you think will be best OP? Stick it out or split?

RandomMess · 23/02/2019 15:22

Sounds like there is no point trying to make it work so best to cut your losses Thanks

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 23/02/2019 15:39

At this point I am coming to the conclusion that despite his good points :

  1. I will never be (seen as) an equal partner in this relationship, whether that is due to our situation when we first met or his personality or both...
  1. I don't think he is serious about making any changes, when I look back even at the tiny things I asked him to do, he hasn't kept them up or even done them.
  1. I don't like the person I am when I'm with him. Because he will never ever let things be, I have to constantly fight to maintain any control over my life. Often I then become agressive or bolshy which then churns me up inside.
  1. The only other person around whom I am/was agressive (or accused of being) was my father, who had a similar personality, never respected any of my boundaries, and who always made everyone do things HIS way.

I have a counseling appointment on Monday but at this stage yes, I think we are really done.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 23/02/2019 15:48

Welcome back! I’m glad that the trek was challenging but invigorating.

I’m sorry, but not surprised, that you had more grief from the narcissist. Cold and sulking because you felt too sick to cuddle. Punishing you by purchasing an expensive object for your shared room without your input.

I think you are correct. He sees you as less than he. It’s likely that he views everyone in this light. He is wired that way and will never change, @Jamais.

TowelNumber42 · 23/02/2019 16:49

Well at least while he's sulking you won't have to fend him off, feel bad for behaving nicely or wonder whether your new behaviour has changed him.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 23/02/2019 17:24

Grrr he has come back all cheerful now, I think I prefer him in a sulk, it's easier to just get on with things and not be "the bad guy".

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 23/02/2019 17:55

Yes, the cycle of abuse. Punish, let up, abuse, let up, control, let up...

Weenurse · 23/02/2019 22:31

Stay strong 💐

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 24/02/2019 08:23

He's back to grumpy, silent and bossy this morning and last night, even the kids are complaining.

I need to get on and find somewhere to live.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 24/02/2019 08:35

Flowers you must be so disappointed that despite you giving him yet anogther chance, he won’t change for you.
I’m glad you’re going to find somewhere else to live, you and your dc deserve to live in a sulk free home.

TowelNumber42 · 24/02/2019 08:39

He's such a dickhead. Do you feel a bit sick whenever you even look at him now?

woolduvet · 24/02/2019 09:24

I'm glad you feel more solid about your decision.

cstaff · 24/02/2019 10:06

Well OP nobody can say that you didn't give him a fair chance to prove himself one way or another and he has done exactly that.

It is not about love, it is about control and nothing else. At least now you know where you stand. Looks after yourself and the kids Flowers

Jeezoh · 24/02/2019 10:36

It doesn’t matter if he is sometimes a “good guy”, you know full well what he’s capable of and that’s more than enough to call it a day without any doubts of whether it’s the right decision xx

Fairenuff · 24/02/2019 11:50

How come he went on the trek? I thought he was too ill and wanted you all to go home?

Clutterbugsmum · 24/02/2019 13:04

He probably when on the trek Fairenuff because jamaisjedors didn't back down when he wanted her too. So he had no choice but to go.

jamaisjedors It's good that your friends are noticing his behaviour towards you and your DC.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 24/02/2019 13:24

He went on the trek (without telling me he was coming til the morning we left).

He got a massage on the first day and then decided to get one every day til the trek which meant he was able to come.

I should have been pleased but I was disappointed not to get more space, although in the end it was fine him being there.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 24/02/2019 13:33

So his 'too ill to go' was another lie. Just like your birthday weekend. But this time you didn't pander to it, so he managed to make himself better by having a massage every day.

Most normal people would have said from the off, 'I'm not sure if I'll be able to make the trek but I'll have a daily massage and see how I am on the day. If not, don't worry you take the kids and go on without me'.

But he didn't do that, he said he couldn't do it so you should all go home. You should all miss out on it. He was fully expecting you to agree just to avoid a sulk. But you didn't, you stuck to your guns and lo and behold, he discovers he can do it after all.

His actions are just repeat, repeat, repeat. There is no change because there is no will to change. Even though you've told him this is the 'last chance' he doesn't believe you.

If you do eventually decide to make that split he will ramp it up and you will see proper nasty tactics.

Do you feel like you are on a roundabout that will never stop. Just going round and round and round the same issues all the time, day in day out, year in year out? Because that's how I would feel and it's no way to live a life.

When you are old you will look back on all these wasted years.

lubeybooby · 24/02/2019 13:36

Life is short OP, I'm glad you're seeing the light towards not wasting any more of it pandering to this unpleasant man

This thinking is what gave me the strength to get out. I didn't want to waste another second. I knew that (hopefully in many years yet) on my deathbed I'd be pleased I got out when I did. Eleven years later after 5 years of very enjoyable singledom and I am extremely happy with someone perfect for me and it isn't brain twisting or hard work in any way. I wish the same for you one day.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 24/02/2019 16:17

@Fairenuff : I agree on this part, this thread has helped confirm what I suspected all along:

"Most normal people would have said from the off, 'I'm not sure if I'll be able to make the trek but I'll have a daily massage and see how I am on the day. If not, don't worry you take the kids and go on without me'."

He never did suggest we all go home though, I suspect he knows there was no question of doing that to the DC.

It doesn't mean he didn't WANT me to suggest that.

Back home now, feels weird but H will be away most of this week and I am super busy next week so should be bearable.

Now crossing my fingers for a house/flat to come up so I can get some concrete plans in place.

Will talk it all through tomorrow night with my counselor.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 24/02/2019 16:18

@lubeybooby thanks - I'm very happy things worked out well for you, both singeldom and coupledom.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 25/02/2019 20:11

Saw my counsellor today, she thinks H has still not realised I am serious about leaving.

She thinks we are at totally different stages and that I have already left in my head.

She was interested to hear that the 2nd marriage counselling session we had was useful to me in understanding what is going on for H and why he needs to dominate so much.

She thinks the counselling is useful for me to gain perspective and have no regrets about leaving.

We have a marriage counselling appointment set up for next week (Thursday).

H is away from tomorrow til the weekend and then a lot of next week too which is good.

Not sure at this precise moment at what stage I want to tell him outright that it's over but I'm feeling more sure that the right time will come pretty soon, and making plans in the meantime.

OP posts:
Wauden · 25/02/2019 20:11

the other day in bed he started listing all the people who were interested in him before we got together - I guess as a sort of defensive mechanism.
In my book, that is plain nasty. 'Defensive mechanism' , because you did not want to be intimate... I don't know about that.
Maybe something to talk to the therapist about.

RandomMess · 25/02/2019 20:14

I would keep planning etc. Don't tell him until you are able to leave swiftly. I think he will swing from begging to nasty quickly Thanks

TowelNumber42 · 25/02/2019 20:49

Hold off telling him for as long as possible. He will be a dick of epic proportions when he realises you are serious, if he's like every other controlling man. You don't want to have to live under the same roof as that for any longer than necessary. Your urgency is to be actually free not to have him know you are free. A need to tell him you are leaving is most likely more about your impatience to be free rather than about him knowing. Focus the energy on the leaving practicalities not the declaration.

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