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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

977 replies

jamaisjedors · 04/02/2019 12:12

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 15/02/2019 17:54

And that means nothing to him.
*
It's quite a hard mindset to explain to others,*

I'm very sorry, jamais but you know, it really isn't at all difficult to explain to others.

Your wants mean nothing to him really just says it all.

The explanation of consent in the contact of s cup of tea is sadly all too very relevant here.

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.adweek.com/creativity/still-dont-understand-sexual-consent-its-cup-tea-says-brilliant-psa-167823/ampp*//*

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 15/02/2019 18:05

Ha, I use that video at work and thought of it immediately after the cake incident!

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 15/02/2019 18:31

I agree with FinallyHere. Your Hs mindset is very easy to understand.

He repeatedly ignores your wishes. That is controlling and so abusive and because you’re in the middle of it you don’t understand how awful it is.

Would you put up with this behaviour from anyone else? A college at work, your boss, your children, a friend?

Imagine if one of them kept insisting you ate a bit of cake, when you clearly didn’t want it. You just wouldn’t put up with it if they behaved that way.

I feel so sorry for you, please tell him bluntly that you will not be having sex again on holiday. (Is there any possibility you could sleep with one of the children, because that’s what I would do.)

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 15/02/2019 18:50

I have my period now which is handy but of course not a total no-no.

But I feel I can be firm for two more days til we/I leave for the trek.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 15/02/2019 19:51

Glad you feel you can be firm, but you really shouldn’t need to have be.x

Windgate · 15/02/2019 20:39

jamaisjedors* your using your period to avoid sex, just stop and think about that. Sexual coercion is a criminal offence for a reason.

tempname111 · 16/02/2019 05:16

@jamaisjedors I can't remember if I posted this on your last thread but similar to @MehMehM3h

I totally understand going to counselling, I also went with abusive ex (minor physical but mega emotionally abusive) because I needed to have someone impartial hear it all out loud and "give me permission". I knew I needed to leave but was so entrenched thinking that it might be me, I needed to make sure. One of ex's traits was extreme lying, Not about blame but about facts. Staggeringly he lied frequently throughout the session (it only took one Smile) and was so convincing the counsellor seemed sympathetic towards him and hostile towards me Confused Did me a massive favour though and I left him having no doubts whatsoever and slightly kicking myself that I'd let myself be hoodwinked for so long.

And I'm with you in that, even if I had a portion of the "blame" it didn't matter because I wasn't happy either way. That realisation was enormous for me and gave me further permission.

Wish you luck Thanks

Ruru8thestars · 16/02/2019 05:38

I am sorry to hear he had not improved

AnotherEmma · 16/02/2019 05:55

You are sounding very clear-headed and strong about most things apart from the sexual coercion. He is pressuring you to be physically intimate (kissing, sex, etc) when you have clearly told him you need space, and you are relenting.

I think he knows that he's "lost" you mentally/emotionally so he's asserting his ownership/control of you physically.

The thought of him pestering you this much while on holiday is really giving me the creeps, actually.

If you don't end the relationship immediately (i wish you would but understand why you're not there yet) I think you need to start sleeping in separate bedrooms. There should be a trial separation of sorts while you do the couple's therapy.

woolduvet · 16/02/2019 09:32

The sex issue is unpleasant reading I'm afraid.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 16/02/2019 09:57

Yes the sex thing is making feel queasy too , last night I was firm again and told him that I felt I couldn't trust him because even when he asked to stroke my stomach because I had stomach ache, he then started moving upwards, despite me only "allowing it" on the condition that it was not sexual.

Now he is super tactile and keeps asking for hugs, again something he normally doesn't do.

Another Emma is probably right about him moving closer physically the more I move away mentally.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/02/2019 10:47

Be blunt "I asked for space nicely and you haven't respected that so now I am telling you I want space sex and physical intimacy is a no go, the only intimacy I am interested in is talking properly"

Repeat once, there after I would get up and walk away.

Fairenuff · 16/02/2019 10:57

I'd be tipping a bucket of water over the old groper to see how he likes having something done to him which he does not want.

Windgate · 16/02/2019 13:57

He coerced you into sex - that's abuse

StationView · 16/02/2019 15:43

I commented early on, on your first thread, but I've NC since then. Your comment:

*I think I have stayed so long for a number of reasons, but one is that I have often believed H when he has said that I am aggressive and over emotional because I have often behaved in that way in the type of situation described above (getting annoyed or upset when he insists I do something his way).

And so I believed him when he said the problem was me and I needed to work on myself*

OP, that really, really resonated with me. My XH was an international standard sulker. If sulking were an Olympic sport, he would win gold, no question. He had me convinced that I had an anger management problem. Well, it turns out I didn't; I had a sulky 'D'H problem. If he didn't want to go somewhere that we had arranged, he would pick an argument with me just before we were due to leave, then say, "Look, you are such an angry, unpleasant woman. Why would I want to go anywhere with you?". Or he'd go for a leisure poo to make us late and me cross. Or he'd store up grievances for days, then just point blank refuse to do something. On one memorable occasion he refused to go to Christmas lunch at his parents' house because of something over a week earlier. I ended up having to take the DC by myself, which was incredibly humiliating. Your DH's injury is, of course, just a PA way of getting out of the expedition.

I saw your comment on the other thread about a husband who blanks and ignores his wife when she speaks to him. Mine did that, too. As you commented, it's belittling and controlling.

For the sake of your sanity, please read Living with the Passive Aggressive Man by Scott Wetzler. Then leave. My life is so, so much better now than when I was married.

Mamia15 · 16/02/2019 22:56

The sexual abuse is really disturbing.
The constant requests for hugs etc is really pushy and controlling as well as very disrespectful.

Mary1935 · 19/02/2019 17:26

Hi jamaisdedors how are you getting along.

Butterymuffin · 19/02/2019 21:48

The last thing I'd want if I had stomach ache would be anyone stroking my stomach. His insistent attentions are like the flip side of the sulking coin, I guess. Either way it's about imposing his preferences.

GummyGoddess · 20/02/2019 00:25

I have been thinking about this thread OP. I may be far off the mark, but it does look like he's still punishing you for upsetting him. He's doing things he knows you don't want but, because he's not sulking, you aren't 'allowed' to get angry with him.

He's deliberately doing what you have asked him not to as a substitute for sulking, he still gets his way to upset you and thinks there's nothing you can do about it. He doesn't come across as a stupid man, he would not have forgotten what you have said, he remembers and is doing exactly what you don't want under the guise of being nice.

I hope you find the strength to resist his games and forge ahead with your plans for your future happiness.

Fairenuff · 21/02/2019 08:51

How have things been since you got back from your holiday OP? Have you got more counselling sessions coming up?

Fairenuff · 22/02/2019 19:08

Are you ok Jamais? It's not like you to stay off the thread so long. Have things got bad again?

woolduvet · 22/02/2019 19:52

I think part of their hol was without WiFi.

Lunde · 22/02/2019 21:07

OP said that she would not be able to post when she was trekking (with or without her H)

jamaisjedors Thu 14-Feb-19 17:34:27 - Thanks all, will still be checking in for a couple of days and then offline for a week or so.

So I don't think she is back from her trek until this weekend

Fairenuff · 22/02/2019 21:09

Ah right, thanks, I missed that somehow. Was a bit concerned there for a minute.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 23/02/2019 15:01

Hi all, thanks for the messages. We are back to civilization!

Trek was tough (physically) but great.

H came in the end and was his best self some of the time, but it just made me realize that the only time it really works between us is when I need taking care of.

On one day I was exhausted from walking and he was very caring, waiting for me, getting me things etc.

The rest of the time we were both pretty busy with the group.

I had lots and lots of thinking time and space.

Last night in the way back he wanted to cuddle up and I said no as I was feeling sick.

This morning he started being cold and now is on his way to a full on sulk.

This morning he decided without discussing it with me at all to buy an expensive souvenir which is to go in our room - without going into details he didn't even check I liked it or wanted it (I'm fact I know he knows I don't want any more stuff in our bedroom).

So I walked away and left him to it.

After that he was most definitely in a sulk for the rest of the journey and has been since, the usual not replying or pretending not to hear or avoiding eye contact.

Even the other people with us pointed out it was strange he was making this purchase without me.

I have taken this either as a declaration of war (!) Or as just another sign that he absolutely has to get his own way all the time.

I will be glad to get home to work etc and a bit of space.

I have realized that he really doesn't see me as his equal and I don't think he ever can.

To he honest I'm not sure he sees anyone as his equal, he doesn't really have any friends apart from people who really depend on him (2 are physically or mentally ill).

OP posts: