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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

977 replies

jamaisjedors · 04/02/2019 12:12

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 14/02/2019 17:34

Can't believe I wasn't sure if I really needed another thread!

Thanks all, will still be checking in for a couple of days and then offline for a week or so.

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 14/02/2019 19:34

Enjoy the trekking Jamais

Definitely a win-win that H has pulled out of the trip because he clearly didn't want to go. If he had come with you, what's the betting he would have ruined it.He'd have been in a foul mood, sabotaged it by accusing you of guilt- tripping him in to it and throwing epic sulks.

This way you can agree that he shouldn't trek because of his poor poorly leg and go happily without him. Much better for everyone Smile

FinallyHere · 14/02/2019 20:26

/guilted into ...

UnMumsnetty hugs {{{{{jamais}}}}}

Hope you find your way to a decision with which you can feel comfortable and soon

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 14/02/2019 21:10

God now he has had two massages he is saying his leg is nearly better so he might come after all.

I am just trying not to project either way.

I had been hoping for a bit of space to clear my head but I suspect he has sensed that because whenever I pull away he tries to get close again.

OTOH it doesn't really matter if he does come because we are a big enough group and all sleeping together in one big tent so no alone time anyway.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/02/2019 21:16

Plus he'll be on his best behaviour around other people...

Fairenuff · 15/02/2019 01:46

Well yeah, of course his 'illness' is going to miraculously heal if he wants it to.

Weenurse · 15/02/2019 09:49

You have come so far.
Good luck

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 15/02/2019 15:46

Grr he tried it on AGAIN in bed last night, both when we went to bed and when we'd been woken up in the night by one of the DC being ill.

I turned him down both times but am feeling really quite annoyed that despite me asking him to give me some space with intimacy, and let me make the first move, he keeps trying to railroad me into it.

"Just relax a bit" "it'll help you sleep" " it'll do you good"...

Aside from this is being very reasonable, got up with the sick DC in the night and washed out his pooey pajamas etc while I stayed in bed.

He really is very reasonable and reliable but I just can't stand him trying to control me and dominate me.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 15/02/2019 15:47

This is after we already had sex the previous night and that morning...

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/02/2019 15:59

Because he doesn't respect your wants or needs...

He thinks all is fine and you're back to toeing the line already!

RemindMeToMoveTheElf · 15/02/2019 16:03

From afar, I feel very creeped out by his manipulative he is being. Ugh.

But in the long term, surely you can’t spend the rest of your life having to constantly re-assert your position, monitor his behavior for him, and being on high alert for his next mood?

FinallyHere · 15/02/2019 16:34

He really is very reasonable and reliable but I just can't stand him trying to control me and dominate me.

Just can't stand - fair enough

I would distinguish him behaving reasonably and reliably sometimes (in order to keep overall control) from actually being reasonable and reliable. Very different things.

Sorry.

Jeezoh · 15/02/2019 16:39

He can’t be reasonable and reliable if he wants to control and dominate you!

You come across as a reasoned, intelligent person in all your posts. I really don’t understand what you are waiting for to leave this man, protect your children and live freely without constantly having to monitor every aspect of your day.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 15/02/2019 16:41

I am realising more and more how much of me being "aggressive" or "stressed" is just reasserting my boundaries constantly.

Tiny example from last night which stands out now but which is pretty much a daily if not several times daily occurrence.

I leave our meal out early to take the DC home. The others go on to have tea and cake somewhere. H says he will bring me a cake home to try.

He gets home around 11pm and offers me the cake

I am already in bed, teeth brushed etc.

I say politely"thanks, that's kind to bring me one home but I'll save it til tomorrow".

He insists I should have it now.

I have to get quite firm to get him to drop it and he almost goes off in a huff at me refusing ((but then catches himself).

Afterwards I ask him why he couldn't jsu drop it when I said no the first time, and he then starts explaining AGAIN that I could have eaten it, and got up and brushed my teeth again.

That is technically and factually true but I DIDN'T WANT TO!!!!

And that means nothing to him.

It's quite a hard mindset to explain to others, it is difficult for people to understand how frustrating this is on a day to day basis.

And how powerless and unlistened to I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 15/02/2019 16:47

I think I have stayed for so long for a number of reasons,but one is that I have often believed H when he has said that I am aggressive and over emotional because I have often behaved in that way in the type of situation described above (getting annoyed or upset when he insists I do something his way).

And so I believed him when he said the problem was me and I needed to work on myself.

I've done that, and it turns out that even when I work on myself he still behaves the same.

As I said upthread, if the problem here IS me, and me alone, that's fine, I can also leave because of that.

This also maybe explains why I took up the offer of marriage counseling because I have been told it's me for so long, that there is a small satisfaction to be gained (not that great after all) in seeing just from 2 sessions that the counselor clearly sees there are definitely issues on his side too.

OP posts:
Lunde · 15/02/2019 16:50

He is really very manipulative and controlling - he has to force you to do everything "his way" or he huffs, puffs and sulks. He is still punishing you by sulking and even trying to coerce you into sex and force you to eat cake you don't want so that he can "win".

Even though he is supposed to be on his "best behaviour" on this holiday he cannot keep it up as his controlling nature keeps seeping through.

He will never change. He is still using sulking to control you. I don't know what else you want to know about him. Is tiptoeing on eggshells around DH's moods and sulks really the life you want for your kids?

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 15/02/2019 16:59

No. Am actively looking at houses again and have just sent a message to one but can't do much til I get back home (and find somewhere to live).

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 15/02/2019 16:59

In his world view he does all the thinking and then you follow his instructions. Even on when to eat cake. Failure to follow instructions is only comprehensible to him if obedience were impossible. Hence him repeatedly explaining that you could get up, eat, brush teeth. As you said, your desires are completely and utterly irrelevant to him. He is a puppet master. You are not an autonomous being to him.

This is him on his best behaviour!

woolduvet · 15/02/2019 17:04

Tell him that you categorically don't want sex until you're 100% back into the marriage and every time he pesters you for sex you feel a step further away.
If he can't accept that....

RandomMess · 15/02/2019 17:05

Who the f*ck wants to get up out of bed 11on at night to eat cake... he just wanted to control you AGAIN

RandomMess · 15/02/2019 17:08

Like sex, it is irrelevant that you don't want it at the moment...

Fairenuff · 15/02/2019 17:16

OP a little tip for you. When he does that with the cake or sex, instead of repeating that you don't want it, ask him 'What do I want'.

Get him to verbally acknowledge that you don't want sex/cake/whatever.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 15/02/2019 17:20

@woolduvet - I did tell him I wasn't ready for it at the moment and that him pushing it made me tense up.

He listened for about 5 mins.

Actually I can see now how people say his own therapy could turn against me - when I wanted to talk (instead of have sex) the other night, he said "oh my therapist says we should use the holiday to take a break from all that and relax".

Fairenuff, will try that, thanks

OP posts:
Lunde · 15/02/2019 17:30

He is not interested in taking anything on board from your joint marriage counselling. He probably had no intention of changing his behaviour and only agreed to go because he thought it would shut you up.

Mitzimaybe · 15/02/2019 17:43

He is picking the bits out of the therapy that will directly benefit him and ignoring anything else.

The cake example is a really clear demonstration of how he wants to control everything and expects you to just jump to his command. I bet there are loads of others that you could list.

How this situation would pan out in our house: DH arrives home with cake - which I have asked for - and brings it up to me in bed. Me: "I know I asked for it, but I don't really feel like it now. I've cleaned my teeth and I'm ready for sleep now; could you pop it in the fridge and I'll have it tomorrow?" DH: "Okay."

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