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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

977 replies

jamaisjedors · 04/02/2019 12:12

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

OP posts:

Wallywobbles · 01/05/2019 22:09

Really he's barking up a very odd financial tree. I assume you got married under separation des biens. Just get your facts straight. Make sure you can show sources of funds etc.

My ex tried to go after me for 80k€. The lawyer laughed at him. But we did do amical so it was our shared lawyer.

Fretfulparent · 01/05/2019 22:26

Well done
Stay strong 💐

CarpeVitam · 01/05/2019 22:35

I've been following your threads Jamais, routing for you all along. Have to say I'm in awe of you and your tenacity and so happy that you found the strength to finally make the decision and have now acted on it.

Sending you hugs. You rock! Xx

CarpeVitam · 01/05/2019 22:37

Oh, and on your recommendation, I have added The Female Persuasion to my Wishlist x

LannieDuck · 01/05/2019 22:42

CyclingMumKingston · 01/05/2019 22:46

Dullardmullard · 01/05/2019 22:59

He’ll push boundaries tonight. If you sleep in the bed and he enters and gets in go back to the sofa immediately. He’s angry so I’d be on my guard big time.

He’s trying to get you to go back into your box and it isn’t working. Hence the I’ll hurt you financially.
Watch for him drawing it out.

I’d be inclined to tell the kids first as he is angry and will spin his own version.

Happynow001 · 02/05/2019 03:29

I will ask her tomorrow if I should transfer that money across now or wait til a sum is agreed in mediation.
....

But the financial thing is quite scary because he is sounding really determined and horrible on that.
...

I have a huge inheritance tax to pay in France for things which I haven't inherited yet (long story) and had agreed with my lawyer to keep that out of things and pay with money from my mum and from the UK.

We can always pay it out of the joint account, no problem.
Sorry Jamais but are you assuming that money will still be in the account for you to transfer? Or pay the inheritance tax?

He's made it crystal clear he's going after you financially - as predicted. How will having a record of this cash (rather than the cash itself) help you?

Protect yourself emotionally as well as financially. It's just chilling how he can be totally cold and uncaring to you and just flick a switch and be lovely and warm to someone else moments after while you are left hurting and crying alone in another room.

Thank goodness you have somewhere else lined up to go to. Sign the contract ASAP if not already done.

Continue to be on guard - you know he will be just as ruthless as far as the children are concerned.

Mix56 · 02/05/2019 06:53

I hoped he would be charitable in view of him running a charity... you seemed sure that he would go along with paying to furnish new house,but he has decided to punish you.
Whilst this is savage from someone who was sex pestering & talking about family photo album just days ago at least it will help dry your tears.
You will still mourn what could/should have been. But for now, it will help you get angry. the shock & pain will have to go on the back boiler
He is responsible

newroundhere · 02/05/2019 07:39

Delurking to say well done for biting the bullet jamais and sending positive thoughts for what's to come. Keep on keeping on

Innernutshell · 02/05/2019 08:01

My plan is to remain calm and check everything with my lawyer, and not let myself be bullied in any way by H.

You've got this.

Remember he just says anything to get a reaction from you. Practice the grey rock technique.

Original poster

jamaisjedors · 02/05/2019 08:11

Just checking in this morning to say I'm ok, I'm at work, feeling shell-shocked whereas H was doing his usual (for lately) whistling around the house this morning.

I hear you all about the current account but I also know this person.

He is extremely careful with money. He will not be blowing it all or moving it because that could work against him.

What he will do (I've seen him in action) is pore over every bank statement and transaction and dig up every possible thing he can to make the final settlement much lower than it could be if things were done fairly and amicably.

He's already brought up the fact that I withdrew money in December from our joint account to use in the UK at Christmas.

He will make it as difficult as possible, unless his lawyer talks some sense into him, and will likely drag out this phase for ages which will mean I will be tight financially for a while because my rental is expensive.

But I can do this. I have loads of people behind me, he has one "friend" who will be on his side, and no other close friends at all.

OP posts:

NettleTea · 02/05/2019 08:22

Get the money you need out immediately because I swear he will empty the account,
You can 'discuss' the amount on Friday, but dont wait for his permission. I believe he is going to get the cash away as soon as he can this morning, that is if he hasnt already done it last night.

And I agree - be absolutely upfront about any bills etc regards the inheritance, you have a good bartering rod there.

also, going for last years rent is surely the same as going after last years wages. Its gone.

Grey rock is good too. Telling the children too. I dont trust him an inch. he has shown his true nasty colours

NettleTea · 02/05/2019 08:24

he doesnt seem to get that money spent during the marriage is not the issue. wheras if you blew £30K on a fanc car tomorrow, after announcing the split, that WOULD be an issue.

let him pour over the statements, certainly if it distracts him from anything sensible. He will be laughed out of court for that kind of stupidity

foreverhanging · 02/05/2019 08:49

You CAN do it op. What a bastard he is

justilou1 · 02/05/2019 08:57

Don’t forget to tell your counsellor about the pestering for sex and consequent aggression about money. This will work in your favour.

Memeface · 02/05/2019 08:58

Can you try to get into the mindset that this is now not really your problem, but your lawyers?

When you catch him looking at old bank statements, that's just drama he is creating for his lawyer, and maybe yours.

If he tries to engage you, ask him to print out what he is referring to and you will get your lawyer to add to 'her pile'. Be breezy. Thank him even.
I'd even go as far as to start visualising the 'pile' and mentally floating the papers, statements etc onto it.

Original poster

jamaisjedors · 02/05/2019 09:04

Last night my mind was going through the papers I need to collate. He is out of the house on Saturday all day so I have the morning to copy anything useful.

I am reassured that money spent is money spent - if he wants to, I could also bring up money he spent on the house to insulate and put in a new heating system without my agreement - it will mean he pays lower bills whilst in the house.

OP posts:

user1494670108 · 02/05/2019 09:33

As he will use the money as a method of control or prolonging the separation do not engage with him about it at all. Just say that you'll leave it to the expertise of lawyers to find what's fair for you both

Original poster

jamaisjedors · 02/05/2019 09:52

Yes I think that is the right strategy.

I will ask advice over spending over the next few weeks.

Initially my lawyer said to move the money to set up house and to pay the first month's rent and deposit and any other money I might need and then not to use the joint account anymore.

But H WILL be using it (even if he said he will be setting up his own account now) and there are bills and direct debits coming out of it.

OP posts:

Daftapath · 02/05/2019 10:06

Why did your solicitor say not to use the joint account anymore once payments taken out for your living expenses? I'm assuming she doesn't mean to let him have the rest of the money in the account whilst you only use your salary?

I am very concerned that your H will wipe the account. Please reconsider talking at least half. I would even take more to then cover setting up the new place as that is a joint expense as it's for the children as much as you.

Once the money has been taken from the account by him, it's gone. Please also don't be magnanimous in not including any expenses from the uk, it doesn't sound as though he would do likewise. I know my solicitor would say that legally, everything has to be included but obviously I have no knowledge of french law.

Dullardmullard · 02/05/2019 12:56

So he will prolong it, the divorce.

He’s back to being in denial with his chirpiness by the looks of it be ready for it and grey rock.

Original poster

jamaisjedors · 02/05/2019 15:28

I don't know now whether he'll really prolong it or not.

Yesterday I said I had the names of 3 solicitors recommended by mine as being favourable to mediation and not dragging things out too long and charging a fortune.

He refused to take the names yesterday but texted me this morning to ask for them. Whether that is to AVOID them or to call them I don't know. We'll see later.

OP posts:

Mix56 · 02/05/2019 15:37

Hopefully the councillor will tell him that the game is over, &
making it bitter & drawn out will certainly not "fix" it, & only make you both unhappy & waste money.
He has spent all these years being horrible to you, surely he knew at some point you might say, "that's enough bully boy" ?

Lisette1940 · 02/05/2019 15:58

Jamais.

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