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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

977 replies

jamaisjedors · 04/02/2019 12:12

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

OP posts:
caringdenise009 · 01/05/2019 20:34

Well done for biting the bullet Jamais. Getting that done is one of the hardest bits, hopefully all your planning will lead you to a swift installation in your happy New home. Be prepared for him to try all sorts of tricks to get you to change your mind. I predict he will suddenly develop some kind of debilitating physical ailment quite soon.

NettleTea · 01/05/2019 20:37

I hope you moved the money you will need to move and furnish your new home
That was the hardest bit. And you did it.
Glad you have records of everything financial - can you see your lawyer and lodge them all so that he cant try to shaft you, because he has been very clear that he will if he can, and intends to do so
Is there any way of holding the 50% in any way so he cant blow through it - although of course if you have proof it was there and he intends to screw you over, he will end up having to see the house to pay you your fair share
we warned you he would be nasty financially, and sadly he is showing his colours straight away

Mix56 · 01/05/2019 20:40

He will try every tactic. anger, crying, promises, illness, threats to end it all.
Be ready

Fairenuff · 01/05/2019 20:51

But the financial thing is quite scary because he is sounding really determined and horrible on that.

Yes, this was to be expected. This is why we have been saying to move your half of the money into a separate account.

RandomMess · 01/05/2019 21:02

Did you move half the joint money etc into your account already? Can you do it tonight?

CJSmith2019 · 01/05/2019 21:03

This is the real him. This is why you are leaving

Exactly. Well done, first of all. He sure as hell wasn't long dropping the mask, from talking about holidays and family photos to his real self.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 01/05/2019 21:04

I think the financial thing is going to be more twisted than taking from the current account.

Taking screen shots now to add to the ones I already have.

It's more him threatening to go after me for money I have in the UK from a flat, the income from that flat was used by my dad to finance his retirement and there is nothing there now but he is talking about asking me for the back rent fur all of the years we were married -19 yrs.

That money is not there at all but if he plays that card, it may mean I get very little of the cash or proceeds from the house.

OP posts:
Lunde · 01/05/2019 21:10

Sorry that he has been so dreadful when you told him what he must have known was coming.

But one thing is really clear is that all of your tiptoeing around this was for nothing because he is not "devastated" - as he could switch moods easily and go from hostility and threats during your chat to being chirpy and charming on the phone. He is angry, he is threatening, he wants to "punish" you (and the children) by making the process harder. You are the one crying and mourning the loss of the relationship!

I think you should follow advice and transfer 50% of the funds out tonight before he can grab all the money as more punishment. I am really happy that you will be moving soon and away from his abusive behaviour.

GoldenBlue · 01/05/2019 21:12

At the point of divorce all existing assets are considered, not money or assets that were possibly available in the past. The comment about past rent is laughable. Don't fret.

NettleTea · 01/05/2019 21:12

I dont know much, but Id say that money that has gone is prior to the split, is gone. I think he is talking bollocks.
It would be like you asking for money back that was spent on a car, or money that was spent on school fees.

NettleTea · 01/05/2019 21:14

so in other words he is trying to frighten you into not leaving. same old really

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 01/05/2019 21:16

It would be like you asking for money back that was spent on a car, or money that was spent on school fees.

Actually he started to referring to other sums of money spent etc. I was fairly sure that you can't go picking through the accounts and going back over money already spent but he certainly intended to intimidate me.

He had already said that a split would HAVE to be difficult and complicated and is determined to make it so.

However, depending on the lawyer he gets, my lawyer thinks this is probably initial bluffing and that he may calm down afterwards.

OP posts:
Lunde · 01/05/2019 21:20

I think he is trying to bully you - and it is absolutely clear that he has been planning how to scare you in advance of your chat.

Now I don't know anything about French law but I don't see how he can charge you retrospective rent on assets that A) no longer exist, B) were depleted during the marriage as a result of a marital decision, or C) where there was no agreement to pay him back in advance. However it is a common tactic of financial bullies to conjure up a "loan" or repayments to try and bully you into accepting less. Talk to your lawyer tomorrow!

Lunde · 01/05/2019 21:24

The more he argues the bigger his legal bill will be!

Although some people do make their divorces very complicated and incur huge legal bills arguing over all types of assets - I shared an office with one half of a divorcing couple (without kids) who must have run up a legal bill in the £1000s arguing through their lawyers over custody ...... custody of a rabbit!

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 01/05/2019 21:27

I have already emailed my lawyer, thanks.

Actually now I've calmed down a bit, I know that I have already seen a lawyer so am clear on what's coming, and I know she is good because a friend recommended her.

The important thing is that we agree on the kids.

I won't be walked over on the financial side of things, but I'm not in a life or death situation either - I already have my own account, I saw HR on Monday to ask for my next salary to go into there, I have some money aside from the UK which is already transferred over.

I work full-time and will be getting a bonus in July so won't be short over the summer, plus my mum will help me out.

I mentioned the amount that my lawyer suggested for equipping a new house and H said we would talk about that in mediation.

I will ask her tomorrow if I should transfer that money across now or wait til a sum is agreed in mediation.

My plan is to remain calm and check everything with my lawyer, and not let myself be bullied in any way by H.

Silly confession here Blush - in the last year or so, I have been watching "The good wife". When I'm feeling wobbly or scared, I ask myself, "what would Alicia do?" and try to remain cool and dignified.

I know my (real-life!) lawyer will help me with that too.

OP posts:
caringdenise009 · 01/05/2019 21:28

I agree with Lynse- he has given a lot of thought to how he can screw you over. That guff about long gone money did not come to him spontaneously during your chat. Is your dad still alive and if so does your h think this would effect him financially? I would not be at all surprised if he has been in touch with a solicitor already.

caringdenise009 · 01/05/2019 21:30

Lunde not lynse

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 01/05/2019 21:32

My dad died last year so now the flat and income are officially mine.

If he really wanted to come after the income from the last year, I said to him to go for it - I have a huge inheritance tax to pay in France for things which I haven't inherited yet (long story) and had agreed with my lawyer to keep that out of things and pay with money from my mum and from the UK.

We can always pay it out of the joint account, no problem.

OP posts:
cstaff · 01/05/2019 21:35

@lunde That's the first time I have had a good laugh on this thread. A fucking rabbit. Omg Grin.

Sorry Jamais - that is no reflection on you and well done. That must have been so difficult. It has just shown him up to be the bully that he has been trying to keep hidden these last few months. Don't trust him on anything whether it be the kids, finances whatever and talk to your solicitor as soon as because now it is out things will move faster than they have been. You need to get your ducks in a row but remember that you are ahead on this. Flowers

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 01/05/2019 21:38

Thanks all, once again.

I feel like I need to go and watch something silly on netflix on the sofa.

Not sure I'll get much sleep but I have a great book to read (The Female Persuasion by Meg Wolitzer) and netflix on tap. I had a long nap this afternoon and have an easy day at work tomorrow so I can do this.
xxx to you amazing people.

OP posts:
Lunde · 01/05/2019 21:39

... well you could always transfer the money and then pay it back if the lawyer says you shouldn't keep it as possession is everything.

I say this because the way His only focussing on the financial side of separation (and seems to have been planning the financial split for some time) makes me wonder whether, that if you wait until Friday that your H will havealready emptied the accounts and will refuse to return it even if he is not entitled to it!

cstaff · 01/05/2019 21:42

Btw Alicia rocks. I love The Good Wife Smile

Fairenuff · 01/05/2019 21:43

If you owe inheritance tax that could be part of the marital assets/debts so do include it.

AsleepAllDay · 01/05/2019 21:44

Sounds like you had a nice and relaxing afternoon Smile

caringdenise009 · 01/05/2019 21:46

Also, please tell your children in your own way as a matter of urgency. I had a cast iron agreement with my ex that while we had agreed to break up, we would go on a family holiday because my stepson was coming too and I didn't want to let him down. He told my parents while we were away, but none of them told me he had done this, so I was left pretending to people who already knew!. Your husband has shown you he means to be as spiteful as possible. Tell your children in your own words, please don't let him get in with his victim impact statement first.