Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

[jamaisjedors]

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

He isn't in denial! He's just trying to force you to stay with him, like a child thinking if they act as though something is happening then it will.

It isn't mean either, he knows, you know he knows. He's trying to make you feel too mean to end things. He is manipulating you.

He's not in denial. He's still trying to manipulate you. Eg: sleeping in the bed instead of leaving it to you. Cosy flicking through the family photos.

How can 1 man in this world be worth all this? If you have to think and try and act and analyse this hard then you don't have a relationship.

Life is way too short for all this bother. If he liked, loved and respected you then you'd never have got to this point. The only way you'll stay together is if you make yourself small in talk act and deed. He'll be fine then.

There should NEVER be any reward for the offensiveness and rudeness of sulking as long as he actively did. Not least that, there's just nothing fanciable about that behaviour, off-putting doesn't cover it.

Wait till DC are busy/out.
"I need to have a serous talk with you. This marriage has come to an end.
I have tried, but am not able to continue living with you.
I have found an alternative house locally (DON'T tell him where at this point) I am moving out with DC, we will have 50:50 guard or DC
To this end, we need to tell the DC. tonight."

The joint couples counselling session would be the perfect place to discuss details. Not mean at all.

As others have said, he is continuing to manipulate you and probably enjoying successfully avoiding the discussion he knows that you want to have.

Stick to your guns OP. He is playing you

Hi @jamaisjedors, I was in a similar position to you. Telling my H it was over, and him just ignoring me, manipulating me, being nice, acting all friendly, arranging family things that would make me feel rotten if I cancelled them or resisted them because that would all be very selfish when he was being so lovely wouldn't it?!

Over and over I plucked up the courage (it took weeks each time!) to reiterate our position. He didn't listen. I felt he deserved for me to be grown up and talk face to face. My therapist pointed out that I had tried that, many times, and it wasn't working.
So even though I felt bad about it, in the end I emailed him! Very brief, but it was in writing, it was to the point, it didn't include anything I hadn't already said.

He still ignored me, so I asked my solicitor to write a letter. He even tried to ignore that! But at least I had made my position very very very clear by then, and it gave me that nudge, that bit of detachment I needed to feel I had done my bit, been reasonable, and could get on with things without needing him to have any input to MY decisions any more. Good luck!

Why this obsession with getting him to take you seriously? Getting mean? Thinking you can't be nice and friendly because he won't take it seriously? Why?

You don't need his permission any more. So what if he continues to think you won't do it? You'll still tell the children and you'll still move out with them. His beliefs have no power over you any more.

For years you have tried and he hasn't. You have been clear for years. He will be shocked right up to the final decree and will always always believe this was out of the blue, unreasonable behaviour, you wouldn't even try. Give up fighting that fight and plan for how you'll handle his beliefs and statements instead. Remember he'll never ever admit to himself, to you, to the children, to anyone that you tried really hard for years and he ignored you and carried on regardless. It's a total waste of energy trying to get him to admit it. Save your energy for other things.

Wise advice as usual Towel... Thanks.

Good luck. You sound so much stronger now.

Argh H has just said "we need to talk about our holidays this summer".

I am in the middle of doing some work so said we can talk later (dc around).

Easy, he will have one half & you will have the other.

Yes, that's easy, but he means family holidays. Just more denial and I have him a hard look when he said that.

How can he think that I have been sleeping on the sofa for over a week, barely interacting with him, and have outright said we are going to separate, and still be assuming we are going to organise s family holiday?

Will finish my work and speak to him in the garden later.

He is such a manipulative arse!!!

"there will be no further family holidays"

Jamais, you need to kick start this thing into reality.

You really need to tell him ... fast!

He is not taking you seriously. He is patronising you by ignoring everything that you have talked about for the past 4-5 months. he thinks that by just ignoring you, manipulating you and patting you on the head that you will just drop everything, that he will have "won" and everything will go back to "normal".

Frankly I am not sure why you are still pandering to him and waiting for this mythical perfect to have "the chat". The time has come where you just need to tell him so that you can start moving forward to separate. There will never be the perfect time as he doesn't want to hear it - he currently pretending not to hear you as he knows it wrong foots you and makes you back off!

Don't let him sidetrack you this evening when you talk. You know he will start bringing up other things. Just tell him that you will discuss that topic after your current topic has been discussed and continue to have the separation talk and do not let him change the topic until the time and content for when to tell the children has been agreed.

I agree with PP that you really need to bite the bullet now and put him out of your misery. There isn't a perfect moment. If all your ducks are lined up and you have somewhere to go, then it's time.

Think of all of us on this thread holding your hand.

I think he will say all the wrong things to the children and set their minds spinning instead of reassuring them. I think you should tell them first, then together. That way they will cope better.

IMHO he will say "your mother is walking out on the family..." etc.
this in order to point score
you will need to be very calm & talk to him like he is another child, infront of your own DC

So it's done.

He was hard and distant and mean and is already talking about how he is going to go after me financially.

He is going to get his own lawyer and seems out to get me tight now.

We agreed to talk to the counselor on Friday to agree on what to say to the DC.

I said there was no reason for me to continue sleeping on the sofa and he suggested a mattress on the floor.

I said he could also sleep on it so I am not the one visibly "ejected" from the bedroom and he said ok but I will probably have to fight for that.

I am so glad the house is lined up because thugs are going to be unbearable from now on.

Although once we have told the kids we can arrange to not be in the house at similar times etc I guess.

At the end of the conversation the house phone rang and he just answered it all breezy. I can hear him chatting to dc2 too while I am weeping in the bedroom.

He agreed that we are not telling the DC that I am leaving, that we will say it's mutual.

So actually I am less worried about that now, although he may well say that to other people around them later on.

But the financial thing is quite scary because he is sounding really determined and horrible on that.

You're married, so he can only 'go after you' within what French law allows. Just make sure you know exactly what you are entitled to. You're ahead of him in terms of planning, so that will help.

Right now he's angry. He realises he's lost, you've trodden on his dick, he isn't handling it. He's going to be awful and bitter - you'll soon be able to move out and then he can be awful and bitter alone.

And remember: This is the real him. This is why you are leaving.

It's not a surprise. He's known for months. This is a planned response. Take care. And for fox ache tell the children! You know already you can't trust him not to rewrite history

This is the real him. This is why you are leaving.

Exactly, that is what I am saying to myself, the person I saw there is who is simmering under the mask the rest of the time and has always scared me. I can't live with that person anymore or live with myself if I do.

It's done. I am certain you are breaking apart. it will be hard, but gradually improve, particularly when you are out of the house.

Have you moved half the money out of the bank ? if not, do it now, or do it first thing tomorrow morning.
Have you got info on his savings ?

Don't trust him re telling DCs

He is naturally angry, you have not gone back into your mouse hole