Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

[jamaisjedors]

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

Ok good advice again from all.

I see what is meant about not taking the DC off to see the house "behind dad's back".

I need to take them off them after announcing it to him and then head off out.

It's just being in the same house is so hard already, I can't imagine how much harder it will be when all of that is out on the table too.

Already I am avoiding telling him about the lawyer because I feel scared - and he's acting normal but distant. Need to tell him tonight so that he can get the message and get on it himself.

He is seeing his therapist tomorrow so again it would be good to talk to him tonight but currently he is watching TV with DC1 (unusual behaviour).

I think he's avoiding being alone with you.
Best of luck, think you might just have to rip the plaster off

think you might just have to rip the plaster off

yes it feels like that, I'm being a wimp again, it pisses me off that I have to build up to and have this conversation at least 3 times if not more and it's still not clear/he's still in denial.

He's starting with Dad if the year and making it impossible for you to talk to him.

I would actually go and say that you need to speak to him at x time (not late).

It reminds me a little of the saying 'when an alcoholic opens his mouth - he's lying' except that yours is 'whenever you speak - it's pointless' because he refuses to take on board anything you say unless its what he wants to hear.

Advice can be helpful but sometimes its well worth going with your instinct and doing what you feel is right.

You will have very developed instincts as you have probably spent years anticipating his moods & wants however he will also have trained you to disregard anything that you felt was right.

Maybe now it's time to listen to yourself. Do what feels right to you. For you. It's not selfish to put yourself first. It's necessary and certainly what you deserve.

So tell him when it feels right. Tell your DC when it feels right.

If you are not sure then wait.

It's very clear that you are no wimp. It's such an uphill struggle with him because he makes it so hard. I expect it's one of his favourite games.

Very soon he'll be playing all by himself.

Instead of tackling him and wasting your time maybe find something lovely to do for you and then count how many minutes it will take for him to try and disrupt you.

He's like a clown with pockets full of stupid controlling games.

Hugs for you op.

If you are concerned about telling him about the lawyer, I would focus on telling the kids about you splitting up and and then them all about the house. Once you have moved, you could then tell H about seeing a solicitor: it doesn't have to be all at once but I would try to be the driver of the conversations with the children so that H cannot skew things

It's very clear that you are no wimp. It's such an uphill struggle with him because he makes it so hard

+1 to this.

You will have very developed instincts as you have probably spent years anticipating his moods & wants however he will also have trained you to disregard anything that you felt was right.

This is exactly what my therapist has been saying to me.

H is seeing his therapist today, she often does relaxation and hypnosis with him and hopefully will have spelt out to him that if I have said it's over, and have been sleeping on the sofa for a week, he needs to take me seriously.

If there's a good opportunity tonight I will talk to him about a lawyer.

I will be signing for the house on Saturday, but whereas before I was still wavering and thinking I needed to tell him about the lawyer etc to get his reaction (possibly still some slight bit of hope of change there), now I am actually making lists, picking out suppliers for utilities, insurance and choosing furniture.

My lawyer gave me a figure for an amount which it is reasonble to take from the current account to equip the house and I will move that money asap to my personal account.

I should probably move half the money from the joint account over too.

Good update Jamais. Love the change of mindset and positive, forward, practical thinking.

And Yes about the funds transfer - while you still can.

Don't forget to do a redirection for your post from your old to new address.

I would move it and then tell him I moved x over because I am moving out with the DC. I discussed the amount with my lawyer who determined that was reasonable. Let me know when you've appointed your own.

In our next session we can start discussing x y z.

See if you can receive all, or as much as possible, important stuff electronically (by email or via app). I’ve had mail for previous occupants (different sets of occupants) that’s slipped through the redirection net.

Letting go of a specific hope is hard. Especially when you have invested all you have into making it work.

Perhaps though you are not letting of hope as such but more unlocking too tight chains.

Some things are not meant to be no matter how hard we try or how much we want them to. This is ok. This is life. This is a great thing for your DC to learn. Some relationships work, some don't.

It's not your fault at all. You have done your utmost. Job done.

Now might just be the very best time to invest your effort where you will get great results - in you!

Your hope will return - in time and when it's safe - for other things that will bring you true happiness.

Yes, move the fair share of the funds asap. Your H is not going to be fair or reasonable.

So, still no opportunity to talk, but I thought from the way H was behaving yesterday that he had moved out of denial slightly.

WRONG !

This evening he was cautious around me but chatty, paid me a compliment about my outfit (unheard of!), settled down with a beer with me in the kitchen to talk about our days.

Then when the DC had gone off to watch something he suggested spending the evening together looking at photos of "our little family".

I just looked at him in shock and surprise, and then - saved by the bell - my mum rang.

He's taken himself off to bed so I guess I'm on the sofa again.

I think he must have chatted to his therapist about "having a postitive mindset" and is still thinking that all he needs to do is pay me a bit more attention and we will be fine.

It almost reeled me in but I have spent today texting the landlord about contract and looking at furniture online and so I am almost out of the house in my head anyway.

I feel bad for him again because he is being so clueless but I'm really quite cross about how he doesn't take me seriously at all.

The "looking at photos together" thing was something we had come up with together back in January as a suggestion for our one evening a week spent as a couple.

Totally past that stage now !!!

Not sure it's denial as such, denial that you actually meant it and he can ignore and reel you back in with some token gestures...

Perhaps just message him "you have left it too late, the time for you to put 100% to make us work was January not the end of April. Too little far far too late. As we discussed it's over."

Thanks, that's kind of what I was planning on saying tomorrow.

I think I'm probably still hoping to keep it amicable and so maybe sending slightly mixed signals (despite having been explicit face to face several times).

I probably need to get angry and nasty and then he might get it - could be easier for him to cope with me leaving if he can hate me and it would confirm what he's been saying all along about me being impossible to live with.

I think you should go & talk to him. Clearly
Tell him you have found a house. Tell him that it is final.
There is no clawing back.

I wouldn't bother saying it, seriously put it in writing...

I think you need to stop hoping that the perfect, natural opportunity to talk will occur - especially as he is still trying to ignore the whole situation as a means of you manipulating you to drop it. It sounds like he is ducking you as a means of punishment/avoiding the issue.

It's a pity you didn't follow his opening tonight and say "no I don't want to look at old photos - but there is some family stuff that we need to talk about"

Perhaps you just need to schedule a meeting call/text him and say that there are "some family issues that we both need to discuss so could we sit down after the kids go to bed and discuss it?"

I strongly suspect he’s ensuring you don’t get the ‘perfect opportunity ‘ to talk and he may know it’s coming. The longer he can put you off ‘having the talk’ the longer he’s got to reel you back in, or he may think if enough time passes you’ll eventually give up and ‘go back to normal’

He isn't going to take you seriously til you're telling the children.

Last possible deadline to discuss it will be Friday night at the couples' counselling but I think it's a bit mean to go in there and just say it again if he is thinking we are going to be working on the relationship over there.

On the other hand, the fact that this appointment is coming up means I can get away with perhaps just saying a bare minimum to him again tomorrow or Thursday - "H, I don't understand why you are acting as if nothing is wrong, I said I wanted to separate it and I meant it, I've seen a lawyer and you need to see one too".

And then we can discuss the details on Friday night.

Honestly, you give him far too much credit.

He knows exactly what he is doing. Please don't feel sorry for him!

It's still all about him - how he feels, what he thinks. Enough already. What do you and the kids think and feel.

Please please don't feel sorry for him, he knows exactly what he is doing.

He's had x years putting you back into your place when you're not doing the wife thing right, and it worked. So all he has to do is keep on keeping on.
I'm sorry but you're appeasing him again. Pretend he's your average person and take five minutes to tell him this isn't going away, I've seen a lawyer, you need one too, we'll tell the children on xday and then I'll look for a place.
It's not going to get easier I'm afraid because he doesn't want you to.

I need to readjust my mind set and get out of the people-pleasing way of thinking.

You're right, I need to pretend he's someone else, and not the person who has had me dancing to his tune for the last however many years by switching between nasty and nice.

I guess when he is being nice like this I am so used to trying to KEEP him nice that it goes against the grain to "provoke" him and makes me feel anxious.