Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

977 replies

jamaisjedors · 04/02/2019 12:12

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 27/04/2019 15:22

It doesn’t matter if he thinks that. Are you taking the DC when you move? Hope so.

“I don't know what to say to the kids and can't say anything yet if H is refusing to admit there is a problem.”

You can tell the DCs whenever you wish, without your H’s agreement if necessary.

Your H is NOT going to behave reasonably over this. Steel yourself for that.

RandomMess · 27/04/2019 15:28

What evidence is there of him changing his behaviour at all since January?

Him trying seems to = him carrying on doing as he pleases...

Meckity1 · 27/04/2019 15:41

He's going to say that you didn't try, that you were lying in January and had already made your decision, and that there was nothing wrong with your marriage if you just calmed down and stopped being unreasonable if you leave today, 13 May, June 30th, next Christmas, the Christmas after or whenever. He's not about telling the truth. He's about forcing facts to fit his narrative.

The whole business of trying to get you to 'cuddle' is freaking me out. I suggest that you only tell him the day you move out and before witnesses or he may get more assertive. He obviously doesn't think you really have the right to say 'no'.

Sending good vibes, because I think you need them.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 27/04/2019 15:48

@Meckity1 that is word for word (in another language) what he already said to me.

Looking at furniture online now...

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 27/04/2019 15:49

DC will be 50/50, standard here and we have already talked about it.

I don't know whether to go and leave them behind or take them when I first go as regards the different weeks.

OP posts:
Daftapath · 27/04/2019 16:06

I also agree that he will say all those things no matter when you leave and that it doesn't matter if he does. You, your friends and family will all know the truth. He sounds very like my H, as I have said before, who escalated dreadfully when I managed to get him out of the house.

I would plan to take the children with you when you go. They need to know that you are not leaving them and that they are your priority. Also leaves your H less opportunity to tell them other things.

Knittedfairies · 27/04/2019 16:19

Take your children when you go; you are leaving your husband, not your children.

Dullardmullard · 27/04/2019 17:29

I agree to, take the kids with you when you move regardless of what weeks is yours and his.

NettleTea · 27/04/2019 18:42

absolutely take them with you, no question at all about that.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 27/04/2019 19:12

For Gods sake take the kids with you! Otherwise he will twist it so that it looks like you walked out on all of them. Actually I don't know why you're pussyfooting around him anyway. Tell him to bugger off somewhere till you can move out. You're being far too nice and it may come back to bite you.

FlyMayBe · 27/04/2019 19:20

What Inspace said ⤴️

springydaff · 27/04/2019 20:04

He has zero problems with any 'sinking in'.

He's just doing the brainwashing thing he's always done on you.

Why should you care what he thinks? He's going to twist it all anyway, regardless what you do.

Wallywobbles · 27/04/2019 22:07

Really no point delaying telling the kids. If I were you I'd just get it done then you can start dealing with fall out. I'd not bother waiting for him to get on board even, but then I've little patience for his brand of nonsense.

You've got a plan, you know what date you're moving in. They can come and look at house ASAP and start getting excited about the possibilities.

Just say something along the lines of. Look we no longer love each other, just think we'd be happier apart. Both love you to pieces. You'll always be our first priority. You'll still see lots of both of us. House in town so that'll give you some freedom, make it easier to see mates etc Week here with Dad so still all your home comforts. Obviously it'll mean some changes and we will look at them as they happen.

If you go at with hand wringing and guilt you'll make it a huge deal. Honestly this is one of those times when minimizing and being upbeat are key.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 27/04/2019 22:30

Thanks that is very good advice.

Having looked at the joint diaries, I realize I have a great opportunity to let the DC see the house and help furnish it without it being too full on for them.

H is away for work the week of the 20th May.

I get the keys on the 13th. So I could start getting utilities etc sorted, and then go over there a few times during that week that H is away and get them to pick out new beds and choose any bits they want to take from their rooms or go shopping for posters/lights etc.

That way they could start to get familiar with the house before moving in for a full week..

What do you think?

OP posts:
Satterthwaite · 27/04/2019 22:57

Tell them now. Don't spring a massive thing on them the second before they have to move. Let the shit hit the fan and deal with the results. It's only a fortnight. Glad you're moving out and good luck

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 27/04/2019 23:11

Ok, will not wait too long to tell the DC.

Either we agree with H tomorrow once I've spoken to him about a lawyer, or we do it once we've been to the counsellor and talked it over with her on Friday.

OP posts:
NettleTea · 27/04/2019 23:19

trouble is you are assuming he will stick to what you agree. You may well agree to deal with it after Friday, but he may want to take control of the situation and tell them in his own way, with his slant, on Monday.

springydaff · 27/04/2019 23:33

Hey, please don't make out it's no big deal for the kids. It really is a big deal for them. You don't have to do the hand-wringing but gravity and deep compassion is appropriate.

I am still afraid of my childhood abuser. She looms large and to this day I shake if she's anywhere near (despite years of therapy). I remember when I lost the fear of my abusive husband. I remember the exact day. That was a biggie. It was like something drained away.

I do hope you get to see soon he's nothing to be afraid of. Please God.

prawnsword · 28/04/2019 03:42

I think moving in ASAP with the kids of course is an A+ idea.

Setting up a new house is the best part of moving. It sounds like you plan to buy all new things & don’t even have to deal with packing up a house & moving much existing furniture...?

You are in the thick of it now, but guarantee you the feeling of sleeping in a bed you feel is your safe peaceful space with new sounds & your new life has officially started is going to feel like such a relief xo

Millyanon · 28/04/2019 05:55

Long post, apologies, so many familiar bells. Pleasee be careful how to tell the DC.

My own DP thought it would be the right thing to do to agree timing first, after years of coercive control. His ex sat the kids down and told them their DF had decided to abandon them before he could see them (she kicked him out after she maxed out loans in joint names amongst other things).

He lived on his own for years, initially on verge of bankruptcy. In the aftermath of his ex creating the narrative, one of his DC became and stayed completely alienated, in the belief he abandoned them. (The other DC took a couple of years of DP's persistence to see through it and they are close.)

Working together is ideal, only if both parties are being fair. OP, will your husband be fair? Or do you cling to a lost hope he will be?

You've done amazingly well to get to this point. Stay strong, enjoy the move and your freedom.

prawnsword · 28/04/2019 07:45

Also make sure to take any sentimental things you want to keep now, because the moment you leave the property they will be gone for good

If he becomes difficult you may have to use reverse psychology on him - if he thinks you want something he will try to make it difficult for you. He isn’t going to help facilitate an amicable breakup...he seems to be the kind who always has their own agenda.

The ladies at the refuge always say “You do you” - you have been so mature minded, cooperative & full of integrity OP. It shines through in your posts & reading through this whole thread shows how considerate you have been throughout this whole process. Even if he continues to be combative & dismissive, you know in your heart you’ve done the very best you could. Nothing of what his personality sounds like is the kind of person who understands or respects true intimacy between a couple. His constant mind games sound like my mother - always denying, gaslighting, giving silent treatments, very narcissistic & always a victim.

You don’t have to stay with anybody if you don’t want them to touch you anymore. That’s just a basic human right. A little cat or dog would be much better & more trustworthy company in bed.

Mix56 · 28/04/2019 11:08

I wouldn't introduce them to the house while h is away, it almost looks like you are running away, or doing it behind his back, which to them may look like treachery. They won't feel it's fair.
Unfortunately I doubt he will get on board with you both telling them gently. He is still pretending its not that bad, & thinks you will get over yourself.
You will probably have to give him an ultimatum, either he helps you do this gently, or you will have to do it alone,
The reality is, so far he doesn't want or accept you are leaving.
I think he needs to believe it before the dc are told. Then you need to ensure he doesn't bad mouth you to them before you have the opportunity to explain that it is sad, you would have liked for it to be otherwise, but daddy & you are unhappy together & will be better parents apart, its nothing they have done, it's essentially better for them to live without the atmosphere of life with 2 unhappy adults

Lunde · 28/04/2019 11:22

I think you need to tell your DC as soon as you have spoken with H. I know that you want everything to be lovely, organised and civilised but your H's behaviour over the last few months shows that he has no intention of sticking to anything you have agreed and rewrites history to suit himself.

If your DH is still being a sex pest after being told "no" multiple times by you and the counsellor - what on earth makes you think he will stick to any agreement not to tell the kids? He is going to let them know as soon as you tell him that you are moving out. Even if he doesn't use the words he will play the martyr and make sure they know "his version" before your agreed time.

I think you need to stop tiptoeing around this now after so many moths and tell your H and DC in quick succession as there is a risk that the information is going to get out without your participation if you don't deal with this very soon.

Fairenuff · 28/04/2019 13:30

Another thing to bear in mind (sorry if you're getting overload at the moment but I think people are just pointing out potential pitfalls) is that, once you are in your new place, don't let him cross the threshold.

He has proved himself very poor at respecting personal boundaries so those physical ones are going to be very important to you and your sense of security and peace. Don't let him in the house, don't feel like you have to invite him in for a cup of tea or anything. It's perfectly possible to co-parent amicably without sharing physical space.

Happynow001 · 28/04/2019 13:48

once you are in your new place, don't let him cross the threshold.
He has proved himself very poor at respecting personal boundaries so those physical ones are going to be very important to you and your sense of security and peace. Don't let him in the house, don't feel like you have to invite him in for a cup of tea or anything. It's perfectly possible to co-parent amicably without sharing physical space.
This ^^ Absolutely seconded. He'll just mess with your mind.

Also ensure that most of your post separation communication is by email or text so he can't deny or twist what he's actually said or agreed - which he currently does a lot.