Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

[jamaisjedors]

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

He knows exactly whats going on jamais but he doesn't for one minute believe you have the gumption to go ahead with it.

Once he realises you are truly serious he is likely to ramp up the game playing.

Him insisting on you behaving as if everything is normal when it so isn't is just more evidence of his complete lack of respect for you. [and probably all women]

Keep your interactions to a minimum - and count the days to freedom.

Well yes, he doesn't think you have the strength to go through with it.
Infuriating after speaking to councillor etc.
What did he imagine was driving you there, if it wasn't serious ?
Also he is trying to enforce the "show" infront of DC.. I love Maman but she doesn't love me.

I agree with all the comments.

Just seen my therapist, talked things through and am feeling much stronger and able to talk to H about the lawyer.

I will wait til Sunday because he has an important thing on Saturday afternoon for his charity and he won't be in any mood to listen before that's over.

You are getting there.

I really liked your attitude >>>> I said I didn't want to talk again now, bit that we had agreed to split up and so I can't sleep next to him.

Good to hear about your growing strength and even when that dips which is normal be gentle with your thoughts on how you are doing.

Even in the ups and downs you are doing great! Bravo!

I'm worried his refusal to admit it's over extends to intimacy. He's got form for insisting on it when you don't want it, and he's still doing it. Please take care @jamaisjedors

I will take care thank you.

Also thanks for the "be gentle with yourself" - this morning in the car I felt tearful and that got quite cross myself and said out loud"just pull yourself together for god's sake" but I need to be a bit gentler and kinder to myself.

Friends are a great help and source of support through this and so are all of you.

Do you think he thinks that he can ignore you into remaining married? Kind of like he ignores you until you run around after him desperate to make things better. It's just applying his 'reasoning' for sulking in a different manner.

That sounds like a possible explanation.

It's true in the past he ignored me and any conflict and just waited for it to go away. It's his default way of dealing with things.

My therapist approves of me sleeping on the sofa, she is quite worried too about him trying to force me to kiss him etc.

Despite him behaving "normally", H is obviously not on great form, I heard him wake and open the shutters this morning at 6am - on a Saturday.

My plan is to talk to him tomorrow about the lawyer and tell him he needs to see one.

Then next Friday we have a joint counselling appointment which I think we should use to talk about what to say to the DC.

After that in a couple of weeks I will tell him that I have found a house which is available immediately, and make plans to leave for end of May/beginning of June - or earlier if I get sorted or get fed up of the sofa.

What reason are you giving the kids about why you are sleeping on the sofa?

Now the decision is made you need to go as soon as possible. Dragging it out isn't fair to you, dh or the children once they know.

They haven't noticed I am sleeping on the sofa.

I don't know what to say to the kids and can't say anything yet if H is refusing to admit there is a problem.

He came in this morning and sat down on the sofa next to me and started trying to cuddle me. I removed his hand and he said "oh don't let my husband touch me too much."

He has gone off shopping now.

You need to say to him "it's over get yourself a lawyer, we'll discuss the boys when we're at the counsellor"

You need to tell him so they next time he tries the physical stuff you can call him out on it.

I have told him clearly that it's over but obviously the only thing which will make it sink in is saying I've seen a lawyer, which is what I am going to say to him tomorrow.

It seems that he's not listening to anything you say so I think you are wise just to keep quiet and ignore it all as much as possible.

You don't need to tell him anything but do make notes of all the times he's ignored you and all the comments he does make as they are yet more evidence of his refusal to allow to have your opinion.

Keep it as simple as possible. You are doing so well with the pressure of living in his parallel universe where you are not allowed to voice anything other than acceptance of his view.

It might be prudent to leave as soon as you possibly can.

Yes I'm now wondering how long I can keep this up, it's a strain and sleeping on the sofa is not great either (not that I would sleep any better elsewhere in the house).

I could stay with friends but don't really want to leave the DC.

What makes you think it will 'sink in' when you tell him you have seen a lawyer?

What makes you think he will discuss this with the children in a way that both of you agree?

From everything that you've said I think he will definitely tell the children that you are breaking up the family, you are leaving him, you want more than he can offer, etc. He is going to lay this firmly on your shoulders and you should be prepared for that.

The way you describe his ongoing attempts to ignore your personal physical boundaries & repeated requests for no physical touch sound so gross + sex pesty

When he says “oh no don’t let my husband touch too much” - when you look at this choice of phrase, also means he is thinking “oh no my wife won’t let me touch her too much”

It’s becoming very clear just how much he sees things like ‘wife & children’ as things to have with roles to play. Not as individual people with actual emotions & needs, who are reacting & hurt from how he chooses to treat them.

He sounds so mysogynistic & lacking in empathy

I predict he will try every trick in the book to prevent you from moving on.

Hi with the "How dare you touch me when I have told you no more, never again"

Start getting angry and firm.

Need to drop the empathy and find my anger I guess but I had been (naively) hoping that staying reasonably amicable would facilitate things, at least for the DC, down the line.

I think you should go to your friend's for a couple of days. If he asks why say 'I've asked you not to touch me and you are not respecting that so I am removing myself'.

Because you are a compassionate kind person op you think he will be too. He isn't.

Sadly and needlessly this isn't likely to be a grown up amenable split. He hasn't even started yet - his unreasonableness and attempts to control will escalate rapidly as soon as he realises you are serious. You may be surprised by the depths he will go to.

Perhaps if you have time read 'why does he do that' by lindy bancroft - to gain more insight.

The Freedom programme via womens aid can also be done online.

Give yourself the love you need rather than trying to love him enough to make him a nicer person.

I agree. My ex may have been an out and out sod, but once I told him no he didnt try it on at all, and we slept in the same bed for over a year after that.
Its really dodgy that he is still moving in for some action, and even more so that he is trying to force the issue in front of the kids, knowing you dont want to kick off in front of them. Its almost as if it is a game for him

I agree with the firm we are not together now stop touching me its inappropriate. I'm actually very concerned here as he's NOT listening to you with all this touching and forcing you to kiss him or cuddle him. It makes you wonder what's next sadly.

You don't have to have a reason for the breakup but be aware he will blame you. So for the kids its, it wasn't working but we love you is a good way to go. Even if he says yes it was working. You repeat it wasn't really, was it. Put it back on him.

I'd make sure the other house is ready to go as I think he'll try and stop you by any means as this is when they become more dangerous.

Do not think he will be reasonable, he will turn on you so please be aware of that.

When you discuss the kids at your joint session watch out for him not engaging because you want to split. He will bring up some other crap that isn't worth mentioning as a stall tactic and he has form for it. Be firm and tell him its happening, plus don't go together either as he could potentially be very dangerous.

Yes I'm now wondering how long I can keep this up, it's a strain and sleeping on the sofa is not great either (not that I would sleep any better elsewhere in the house).

After that in a couple of weeks I will tell him that I have found a house which is available immediately, and make plans to leave for end of May/beginning of June - or earlier if I get sorted or get fed up of the sofa.
Why the delay Jamais? Given he keeps rewriting history, ignoring your boundaries, is being a sex pest, is gaslighting you .. when you actually sign off on the new house?

Can you get an early move in date and have everything possible you are likely to need (including important documentation) already in the new house beforehand so you can move in quickly?

Set a date for the two of you to talk to your children together and if he keeps dodging the date tell him you're prepared to tell them in your own. Maybe that will galvanise him enough to cooperate but be prepared to follow through if he doesn't.

He knows what he's doing and is trying to foil you at each avenue you take.

Remember now and for later when he changes tack again and becomes less "amicable" that he is not your friend.

Sorry "when DO you actually sign off on the new house? "

I can get the keys 13th May.

I will need furniture etc but I could easily move in earlier, yes.

I just don't want to give H fuel for his accusations that I have not been trying at all for the last 4 months and that i had already made my decision in January.