Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

[jamaisjedors]

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

Please be very careful now he knows and still in denial of you seperating.

Good you went to the sofa. Don’t go back to the martial bed ever.

I "slept" in the bedroom last night (hardly slept) because my mum was here so nowhere to go.

I saw my lawyer yesterday too, she is not that surprised about H's reaction, she thinks it's his way if dealing with things.

She has given me good advice about talking to him about the divorce proceedings and mediation, I will talk to him tonight and tell him he needs to get a lawyer.

good luck tonight jamais

On a completely separate note, what do people make of Macron?

Up to the OP, of course, but I don't think this thread is the place to discuss French current affairs.

Agreed

Sorry tinsel I see how it came across - i meant what do the French people make of Macron expecting a one sentence answer like 'impressive but not likely to make a difference'. I did not intend to start a debate about Macron on the thread. He was on my mind (for entirely noble reasons .)

The post came out entirely wrong!

I hope it goes well for you tonight Jamais. I've read right from the start many months ago and you've always been very impressive as a person.

Roll on May 4 th

Hi,
Didn't manage to speak to H last night because I was so shattered after not sleeping that I was worried I would start sobbing etc.

He's getting back late tonight but I might try to talk to him anyway - I'll have been to yoga so will be zen!

For the house the landlord will meet me on the 4th and then I can have the house from the middle of the month.

That suits me quite well, I can get it sorted and then tell H I have found something for beginning of June.

I won't have much driving the DC around after that either because school slows down from mid-June.

It's sounds like everything is working out from the practical point of view. It's probably wiser to wait until tonight after yoga to tell him. I'm glad you've something like yoga to give you time out.

I also pointed out that I didn't feel he was at all invested in the process of working on the relationship and that he was just waiting for me to get over myself and settle back down.

Exactly. And then he could go back to sulking when it suited him, as before. All the best, OP. None of this is easy. Roll on freedom.

Good luck Jamais💐

It's all coming together Jamais, you've not rushed anything and that includes giving him plenty of time (which he hasn't used) to look at himself/ his behaviour/ your relationships.

Thanks, next step will be agreeing when and how to tell the kids.

Practise things that don't cast blame.
Be clear about what you'd like the future to be like but let them know that they can contribute to how things go too.

You are doing so well Jamais

Remember about boundaries though - nothing's signed and sealed yet.

Being here with my mum is not very helpful, she likes H a lot and has always encouraged me to "pander" to him or done it herself, as my dad always needed to be "kept on the right side of".
^^ Also be careful of who you share information with until you are absolutely ready, especially if they are not 100% supportive of your actions.

I'm so keeping my fingers crossed for you - you've come such a long way and a better, calmer, happier future is in sight. 🌈

Didn't manage to speak to H last night, he got home from work after 9pm and went straight to bed.

We are out this evening at an event for ds1 and then H has a big meeting in Saturday afternoon. Need to find time this weekend...

Almost like he is avoiding you

or out seeing his avocat ?

Fingers crossed for you

Great if he is avoiding me because the previous evening I settled down on the sofa to sleep and he came in, despite me having turned the light off, and gave me a hug and tried to kiss me good night - and asked me why I was sleeping on the sofa!

FFS 🤬

He really is expecting you to cave and go back to toe the line...

Either that or he is in total denial.

It feels like he thinks I'm a child having a bit of a tantrum, he's waiting for me to get over it. I have actually said this to him.

When he came in on Wednesday night and asked why I was on the sofa, I said I didn't want to talk again now, bit that we had agreed to split up and so I can't sleep next to him.

He said, no we didn't say that.

He's also really pissing me off trying to get me to kiss him hello and goodbye in front of the kids

So he is in effect refusing to give you permission to end it.

You need to tell the DC and fast.

He is expecting you to get over your tantrum, he is going to deny and gaslight about what has gone on. Sadly I think he will badmouth you to the DC.