Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

[jamaisjedors]

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

It's very telling what you say about your parents. So you were brought up to think that was normal; it's the wife's job to placate, smooth things over, subsume her own needs and desires under his. Yeah. Fuck that.

Hi jamais we're at roughly the same stage and I think it's totally normal to feel sad even if it's you making the choice. At least, I do/am - really sad like my heart is breaking. But mostly for the future we will not have and the past which we shared, and for the kids worlds changing forever. It's all sad. But it doesn't mean it's wrong.

One thing I would say is I'm finding it really hard to be the one moving out; I think often it's assumed the man will go and actually it's a huge wrench to leave the family home plus incredibly stressful to furnish and make homely a rental. So be kind to yourself. What self care are you doing? Have you gone for the house? I'm moving out on Saturday and feel so incredibly sad.

And you're welcome to join lots of us in the same boat on this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3531439-Leaving-dh-anyone-else-in-this-boat-and-want-to-support-each-other

Be really wary throughout this time OP - it seems as if your husband hasn't really taken on board that you actually will leave.

When he talks about separation he's just playing another game to see if it works to make you amend your behaviour. I expect he's fairly stressed as the old ways that worked to control you are not doing that anymore and he has to keep testing new ones.

Men like this hate to be left and in the increasing stress of it all they'll often do the most despicable things to stop it happening.

I slowly realised my ex husband was abusive over the years we were together but it wasn't until I left that he demonstrated the depths he would go to. Even though I knew he was abusive I still would never have believed how bad he got. He totally destroyed me in a pile of lies, histrionic and dramatic behaviour which included involving and damaging our DC.

Like you in your over thinking of why he does this in your relationship I tormented myself over how he could sink so low [because he'd always said he loved me] but it had nothing to do with me or the way I behaved. He was always the way he was.

He is absolutely certain what he gets out of being in a relationship with you. He shows no sign of wanting a relationship of equals, he wants his own way and no stepping out of line from you or the DC.

He knows you really well and is endlessly skilled in maintaining that status quo.

His preferred tactic is to sulk, it takes little effort on his part and used to be quite effective to get you dancing to his tune. He knows that this is not always enough for you, so sometimes he throws you a crust in the form of a chat or agreeing to counselling or whatever.

We do not know whether he plays these games instinctively or is consciously playing with you. It really doesn't matter. You are not happy living like this, you have tried being open about what you need in a relationship in order to give him a chance to work together like adults to build a relationship that works for you both. He had not taken those opportunities so it is now up to you.

You can continue to put up with him or you can split. Just don't expect him to react 'fairly' or 'decently' ever.

Once you get out from under this relationship I am sure you will be able to look back and see the whole mess more clearly. You have nothing for which to reproach yourself.

The relationship did not work for you so you got out.

I do feel for you, listening to a mother telling you to 'pander to' a man child because, well because he is a man. This must be one of the reasons that we so often just do not trust our own instincts. Trust yourself.

Your mother is doing her best to help you by advising you to do what she did. Be glad that you have more choices than she had and provide a better role model for your DC.

Oh, and anyone saying this is anything unique to Frenchmen, my father used sulking to control the family , my first serious boyfriend did to. No french connection.

Can't tell you how much better life is without said boyfriend.

I agree ! I lose my words often when I try to convey how different it is living with someone of this (or other) culture.
But you need to live with a french man to understand the entitlement, & the expectations, its not just a different nationality, its a different learned make up or maybe simply just not as evolved as other countries (very conveniently)

I too felt pangs of sadness when l remembered the happy time's..... but that's all they were..... memories. Not reality of how it is now.

I have now realised that l was more in love with the man he once was and the memories l had, and not the man who he now was or the situation l was now in.

So true x

He tries every trick in the book to confuse you, wind a web around you.

He says it's over - thinking this will send you into panic. You don't panic, so he tries pretending all is OK (gAslighting BTW) to confuse you.

The one thing I think you're misguided on is the feeling sorry for him. I really really think he knows exactly what he's doing and is hard-nosed about it. His entire behaviour is designed to control you - he genuinely thinks he had a right to do that, to control you and train you like a dog or a horse.

So, I actually said in passing to my mum that things were difficult with H and she didn't at all react how I thought, and has offered her help.

I didn't go into any detail but actually it's a relief to have mentioned it and she had guessed things weren't great anyway.

This is good, plus this morning I woke up after another good night and felt strong and sure of myself and my decision.

I know it won't be easy, but enough is enough now, and him pretending nothing is wrong is just another sign that he will never change because everything is ok for him.

Thank you all for being here and putting up with my toing and froing and general indecisiveness.

Watched The Matrix last night with the older DC. We enjoyed it, and now I've taken the red pill (or was it blue?) I can't go back to seeing things in the same way.

I can't go back to seeing things in the same way.

Congratulations 😀

Step by step dear Jamais. Good you told your mother. Makes it even more real when more people IRL are aware and can support you!

It's taken me two days to wade through the threads.

You are very eloquent and in touch with your emotions. I'm sure that will help the dc adapt to their new life.

Now that you've finally decided, the quicker it all happens, the better.
As pp have said - so far he's been trying different tactics to placate you. When he eventually realises you are going, you need to be prepared for a completely different reaction. Absolute devastation or anger or swinging between the two. He will be trying to make you feel guilty. It's good that you are working on why you shouldn't feel guilt now.

You have tried your best. You have laid it all out in a line. You have explicitly said what he needs to do if he wants to keep you. He hasn't chosen to make any changes, or even attempt to understand things from your point of view. This is his choice and you couldn't have done anything more. There should be absolute no guilt towards your H or your children. The ball has been in your H's court for a long time.

You are pining for a different relationship than the reality. Reality and fantasy/memories/what could have been, are being jumbled up. You do know what you need to do, despite the initial pain. It will be easier to separate these emotions when you don't have to see him everyday.

Let's hope he is a good enough dad to put his own anger and devastation aside for the sake of the children. Keep turning all your negotiations around to how it will affect the children. This may protect you from his feelings of being hard done by.

Good luck. Hope it all goes well. It's good that your mum surprised you with a positive reaction.

Your Mum has seen you being subservient for a long time.
She has seen that you are not fulfilled & happy.

also it is very telling that they only promise to change when you are finally walking out / have walked out the door
This really emphasises the point that they dont take you seriously, or really care about your opinion or feelings, otherwise the first time that you stated your unhappiness he would have suggested working together to put things right
It also doesnt bode well that any promises expressed at the point of leaving are true either, because again, a promise to change would have been forthcoming ages before it got to the leaving point. It will just be more words trying to find your weak spot to exploit in order to restore the status quo
The ONLY emotion he expresses that you need to take seriously is anger. Take that very very seriously indeed

I'm full of admiration for you Jamais, the way you handle yourself and all. I trust your judgement. I am very sorry that you've found yourself in this situation but there are better days and better relationships ahead.

Hello all,

I got back from my trip away last night.

I tried to avoid going to bed while H was awake but he was still doing crosswords when I went up at 11.30pm.

After a while he moved in for a cuddle, and I stiffened. He asked again and then kept kissing my back and trying to get me to turn around to kiss him.

I asked him to stop and said no, and he asked why.

I initially said I didn't want to talk at that time of night but we ended up having a long exhausting conversation with him saying again that there was nothing particularly wrong with our relationship and that he couldn't understand what the problem was.

I said I was exhausted by telling him and telling him and attending therapy sessions where I was clear about the problems and then he just pretends they haven't happened.

I brought up (foolishly!) a few manipulative/nasty things he has said recently, for example listing all the women who were interested in him and criticising me when we were in bed together about to be intimate.

He doesn't see why this is a problem.

He also started asking me if I had talked to friends about separating - I said it was none of his business.

He also started asking about me taking an occasional xanax when I can't sleep and implied that this might be altering my mindset.

I shut that down.

He started again saying there was no reason to be sad about the relationship ending if I was choosing to go.

He also said he thought that I had made my decision in January and that I had only stuck around to try and make things so bad that he would participate in the decision and agree to split too (joint decision).

I explained that I have gone back and forth since January, sometimes being ready to leave, othertimes living in hope of saving the relationship, which is why my behaviour was perhaps hard to interpret.

I also pointed out that I didn't feel he was at all invested in the process of working on the relationship and that he was just waiting for me to get over myself and settle back down.

He didn't deny this.

I'm exhausted just typing this...

I ended up on the sofa having made it clear that this was it, we were separating.

This morning H was whistling and offering to make me a boiled egg for breakfast.

I went off for a walk with a friend and have kept busy the rest of the time.

I see my lawyer tomorrow, am getting my financial documents in order now.

The landlord of the house is ringing me this week to set up a date to hand over keys, it could be around Saturday 4th May which is pretty soon but would leave me time to get the place sorted before the DC come to stay.

I haven't mentioned the lawyer or the house yet, will wait a little otherwise H is going to think he's right about the fact that I wasn't willing to work on the relationship over the last few months.

Please, for your own safety, stop sleeping in the same bed as him.

Jesus this man isn't even pretending to respect you any more.

This is when they are most dangerous, when they realise they have nothing to gain from being nice to you and also, nothing to lose if they're not.

I certainly wouldn't recommend taking anything that knocks you out when he's home. And yes, stop sharing a bed with him as of today.

I would move half of the joint money now as even if you have proof how much was in the a/c, if he takes it it could be a long time before you get it back and might even need a court order.

Other than that - May the 4th be with you.

Jamais

Fairenuff may the 4th be with you 🤣

Thanks for the advice, the xanax is just anti-anxiety, it doesn't knock me out, but I will stick to meditation and yoga from now on anyway.

I will also stick to the sofa too or stay with friends if I can.

@fairenuff I love your play on words

OP You have managed to stay so strong all through this last 5(?) months and probably longer. After reading your update you are talking weeks hopefully. Hang in there. Sleep on the sofa and just don't give him the opportunity to mess with your head. You can do it Jamais.

So you told him that you were exhausted and then he kept you talking, tiring you out again... this is mind games and controlling.

He was punishing you for no sex.

Time to sleep on the sofa since the physical side is over.

Indeed, May the 4th be with you !!!