Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

[jamaisjedors]

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

You need to give the kids plenty of time to absorb the news.

I made the mistake of telling them and a few weeks later we were gone.

It's an impossible balancing act though. I don't envy you 🌸

That's interesting springdaff. I will bear it in mind.

H is back from his weekend away and it's like his memory has been erased all over again.

He said he missed me and wishes I'd been there. I didn't miss him at all.

We had a conversation this morning where he was again saying he didn't see the problem in our relationship and that he didn't really think that the counseling sessions were going anywhere.

I explained that I can't live with the relationship how it was before, and that I hear from him (and see in his behaviour) that he is not willing to change so that leads me to the conclusion that the best thing to do to survive is to split.

One "positive" is that unfortunately I was not attracted to him at all when he was pulling me in for a cuddle. Previously I've still felt a pull towards him and held myself in check. This time I was repulsed, which was saddening but probably helpful.

Why are you allowing him to pull you in for a cuddle. Your separating. Put your hands up and say no.

He’s back footing you again.

He’s rewriting history and now doesnt think the counselling is working yeah cos he’s being called on his behaviour.

Please do not sleep in the same bed as he’ll up the Stakes. Please either sleep on the sofa or tell him too.

Keep telling him your separating he wanted this put it in him this is happening.

He's in denial, whereas you are totally done. Just repeat calmly and don't give it any thought. He'll realise eventually (which may be when he becomes unpleasant).

Just shows you he is happy with the status quo and he doesn't care about how you are

I am now away with the dc (and my mum) for a few days.

I am feeling shattered tonight because I didn't sleep much with him home last night so now I am feeling a bit emotional and lost.

I should never have had another conversation with H because it draws me back in, and I start feeling sorry for him because he seems not to get it at all and seems to just think we need to set up a few date nights to fix things and get on with life.

So then I go back to thinking I'm nuts and that I'm asking too much and that no other man would sit down and talk with a therapist about "relationship goals" etc.

Stick to your guns OP. You know you are right and are done with him. Keep your distance and either kicking him out of the bedroom or take to the sofa yourself. While it may not be comfortable cushion wise, mentally it will be a lot more comfortable for you.

Enjoy your break and be good to yourself.

Hi Jamais,

With the right man, you wouldn't have to sit down talk with a therapist about "relationship goals". You would talk to each other.

You can't stop him talking to (at?) you but you can disengage. Reread your posts here, they will help you stay strong and focused. My ExH was passive aggressive, very skilled at making me feel like the bad person in our marriage, that if I'd only 'be nice' then everything would be good for us. I could write a book. When, after many years of trying to make it work, I found my new house and it became clear I was actually going to leave, he was alternately overly sad (for himself) and very angry. Both of those things helped me move on.

You can do this. Think ahead, what do you want for yourself and your DC a year from now, five years from now?

If you're asking for more than he will give then he's not the man for you.

Yes I have to be strong now, things have gone so far that I can't go backwards, I even said as much to H today meaning
whatever happened, I couldn't let things slide back to how they were before and so something has to change - and it seems sad but clear that it won't be him.

I keep trying to reassure myself that it's normal to be sad about the end of the relationship, even if it's me making the choice to leave.

How can he 'not see' the problems when you've repeatedly pointed out what they are? Does he not believe you, not understand you - or more likely, not see them as problems himself so they therefore don't exist?

You have told him so many times, as evidenced in this thread. He 'forgets' stuff in the counselling sessions. He 'forgets' what the problem actually is (you needing more attention!) He 'decided' himself that separation was what he wanted, a couple of weeks ago.

He is like my four-year-old being told to get dressed!

It would do my head in, his inability to actually discuss this properly. It sounds like he's just making random noises!

Are you sad that you won't be with him (all of the current him including his sulking, not the old him you fell in love with) or are you sad that the future you thought you had has gone?

If it's him then perhaps you have made the wrong decision, but your posts don't suggest that you do like the person that he is.

It's definitely normal to be sad that your future has been changed and is now unclear, but it will become clear again.

Maybe it isn't the same, but when I left work for maternity leave for my first child I was devastated because my entire life was going to change and I didn't know what to do and I was scared. Once I got the hang of it I was so happy I couldn't imagine going back to work and was again devastated when I had to go back. I'm trying to say that change brings lots of emotions, not all of them nice, but this change will be positive for you once you've worked through the rough bits. I'm just not as eloquent as some posters.

I should never have had another conversation with H because it draws me back in, and I start feeling sorry for him because he seems not to get it at all and seems to just think we need to set up a few date nights to fix things and get on with life.
He does get it though, doesn't he?

All he's doing is rewriting the past and because you are a caring person, a person who loves the life you had at the beginning with the man he was at the beginning you are having regrets.

Careful Jamais not to falter at this late stage. It has been so hard for you to get here and do something constructive for yourself - and would be so much harder to retrieve yourself if you capitulated to him. Eyes on the future..

Have you actually got the new house ?
I think if so, I would tell him you need to separate. for some clarity, & will be moving out on X date
It will define how serious you are

You will probably never make him 'get it', or at least he won't honestly admit he sees what he's doing. To him, it's a game.

I can only speak for myself; I used to tie myself in agonising knots wondering whether he understood what he was doing. I didn't want to think that the person I'd loved and married could be deliberately cruel to me. In the end it didn't matter whether he meant it or not. What mattered was that I wouldn't put up with it any more. I gave it my best shot, we did couples counselling (he said she was 'on my side' and he didn't engage) and I had individual counselling, which gave me a lot of clarity. Nine years on, I know I did the right thing. I still mourn the relationship I thought we had in the early days, but I know I tried my hardest to make it work and I don't feel any guilt.

You have to find your own way, and you will, but it can feel like you're struggling out of a swamp. It's very easy to let yourself be sucked back down. Once you're on solid ground you'll look back at the swamp and see how far you've come.

I wish you well.

We had a conversation this morning where he was again saying he didn't see the problem in our relationship

Of course he doesn't see a problem. It works just fine for him. It doesn't work for you but he doesn't care about that, because he doesn't care about you as a real, live, human being, he only cares about you being there to service him and facilitate his life.

I start feeling sorry for him because he seems not to get it at all

He chooses not to get it. You feel sorry for him because he is completely ignoring your telling him how unhappy you are and he pretends he doesn't get it? Yet he's not feeling sorry for you in your abject misery. If he is unhappy, you agonise over it and try to work out what you can do differently to make him happy. If you are unhappy, he does absolutely nothing about it. If you express your unhappiness in a way he doesn't approve of, he will sulk and behave badly just to teach you not to express your unhappiness again.

Honestly, I don't understand him saying he doesn't see the problem is drawing you in and making you sorry for him. It would make me furious with him!

You are all right.

I think his absolute certainty that our relationship is ok and perfectly normal rubs off on me, particularly as I'm used to him "being right".

Also right now I am away in a place where I have holidayed with him and the DC in the past, and the memories are all around.

Most of those memories are negative, to be fair, we had a lot of fights here, but I also remember all the work he did on the house (my parents' second home) and the place feels empty without him.

I think I need to get angry again, not sad, because that will give me the energy I need to get out of here.

Possibly something which is holding me back is talking to a friend who has always been single, and her telling me how lonely it is long term.

You are all right.

I think his absolute certainty that our relationship is ok and perfectly normal rubs off on me, particularly as I'm used to him "being right".

Also right now I am away in a place where I have holidayed with him and the DC in the past, and the memories are all around.

Most of those memories are negative, to be fair, we had a lot of fights here, but I also remember all the work he did on the house (my parents' second home) and the place feels empty without him.

I think I need to get angry again, not sad, because that will give me the energy I need to get out of here.

Possibly something which is holding me back is talking to a friend who has always been single, and her telling me how lonely it is long term.

You're wobbling. It's normal. Read your journal and your posts here back to yourself.

Yes, single life can be lonely. But a lot of the time in your marriage you're lonely, aren't you? And once you're free of him, you might find someone else.

Just ask yourself - why is it that when he's away, you sleep well. When he's home, you can't sleep. Why do you feel a sense of relief when he goes away and a sense of dread when he returns?

Is it really worth living with that constant level of anxiety and treading on eggshells for the rest of your life purely so you don't risk being lonely? Only you can answer that. You might decide that you aren't ready to take the risk. In that case, some people on here might get cross and frustrated with you, but this is your life, you are the only person who gets to decide. It's not now or never - you can always leave later, if you're not ready now. But honestly, he will never change. If he doesn't see there's a problem after all the therapy sessions and all the times you've tried explaining it to him, it's not because poor ickle him can't get his man brain round it, it really is because he doesn't want to see the problem. He just wants you to get over it, and put up and shut up.

Id rather be lonely than unhappy and anxious and not knowing my own mind

because someone was messing with it/gaslighting.
not because I didnt know it

I completely empathize.
IMHO, he doesn't see the problem, he just thinks you're needy & stroppy.
The sulking is a form of showing his disapproval, as you are simply not being a quiet submissive french wife. You require, help, input, care,
I am not sure that french men know that happy marriages are a two way street, that they have to work on it too.
However, even if you accept it's in his biological make up, you can no longer accept that he makes no effort inspite of your pleas

Possibly something which is holding me back is talking to a friend who has always been single, and her telling me how lonely it is long term.
But you are already lonely aren't you? The thing which would change is the sense of you and the DC relaxing in a more positive atmosphere.

I need to focus on that positive atmosphere.

Today I practiced doing it, at the beach I was thinking it would be nice if H was here.

And then I thought, what would he do if he were here? He would have been grumping at the kids kicking up sand. He would have been complaining it was cold. Or in fact, he might not even have come, he probably would have stayed at home working.

I think I am pining for the very occasional good times and forgetting that most of the time, as you say, I am already lonely in the relationship and also restricted by what he wants/needs/thinks/demands.

Being here with my mum is not very helpful, she likes H a lot and has always encouraged me to "pander" to him or done it herself, as my dad always needed to be "kept on the right side of".

I think it's natural to be sad for what could have/would have been.
But the crumbs you got left you wanting more and he's shown you/told you that you won't get what you want.
So do you want a life of crumbs or a life of possibility