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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

977 replies

jamaisjedors · 04/02/2019 12:12

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/04/2019 17:25

Him saying it should be a liberation for you - that was more emotional blackmail!

"Woe is me with my health, I am such a burden, no-one else will have me" - all designed to guilt you into staying and being a doormat...

Mix56 · 13/04/2019 17:29

You will need to open a private bank account. & move half the joint money into it asap or the minute he finally faces that this is real. & before he removes the balance.*
Have you checked to see if there is money being removed already?*

Misty9 · 13/04/2019 17:32

Thank you - again (must stop crying). Our plan is for me to kit out home2 (incidentally, I've called them home1 and home2 because if it's mum's house and dad's house then where do they call home?) with joint funds. I still have access to the joint account until I've finished buying stuff. But it has also been extremely stressful to make so many decisions and start from scratch effectively, hence coming to the conclusion that actually I'll take more from the family home, as long as it's still familiar enough for the dc in both places.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 13/04/2019 17:32

Yes to the emotional blackmail.

I have opened a private account (did it at Christmas).

There is no financial abuse and I don't think it will be an issue - I have screenshots of the amounts in the bank accounts as proof with dates etc. just in case but I would be surprised because money is about the only thing we have always agreed on Hmm

This is not to say he won't get mean about me re-equipping the house etc. but I'm counting on my lawyer to suggest a reasonable amount and get him to agree to that.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 13/04/2019 17:34

Misty9 yes I can see that it is a lot of work starting from scratch, I'm starting to realise that myself and so I will definitely take some things, on the principle that he can also go out and do some of the work of sourcing appliances etc.

About to have a bit of a cry myself. I am going out tonight with my brilliant friend but I have to say I don't feel like celebrating, more like just going back to bed. I had a sleep this afternoon though and I will be ok. Hormones/PMT not helping...

OP posts:
Misty9 · 13/04/2019 17:35

I have felt uncomfortable at spending so much money on stuff for 'me' but then gave my head a wiggle and reframed it as spending money on creating a home for our children. H has been a bit "cut your cloth to fit your budget" but then our joint taste has never been for cheap stuff so why should I compromise now if we can afford it?! I found I was almost martyring or punishing myself out of misplaced guilt. So I stopped it.

Misty9 · 13/04/2019 17:38

I'm finding crying is quite cathartic! I'm really up and down, and worried that friends are getting fed up - one in particular has always been a bit flaky but is really struggling to be there for me.

Have a virtual hug > it's bloody hard going through this. Brilliant friend sounds great though so definitely go and try to forget about it all for a bit Flowers

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 13/04/2019 17:42

Thanks, you too.

I'm trying to follow advice from one of the books I have read - I think it's a Lundy Bancroft one - about not overloading friends.

So whenever I meet up with friends I'm careful to take a note of the stuff they have going on (sick dad, kid making university choices) and ask about that first and at regular random intervals by text at other times.

Then I talk about my stuff for a bit and then try and steer the conversation back to them.

We'll see how soon they get sick of me because I'm very conscious of how busy I was with family life and how little time I had.

Hopefully with a lot less time spent focusing on H and his emotions and moods, I'll have more time for myself, the kids, and friends and family.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 13/04/2019 18:14

You will though, all those hours & days of ruminating. & questioning, & simply surviving the sulks & how to appease, & what have I done? Or what should I do?
He was right, it is liberating. In the very sense of no longer having the weight, trying to hide the unhappiness from DC
The freedom of it means you have all that time & energy tp spend on the things that matterThanks

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 13/04/2019 18:48

Flowers Wine

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 13/04/2019 19:38

Can I recommend the app Linxo. It takes all your bank details and sends you daily info about your (French) accounts. It does a bunch of other stuff too but is really invaluable as a trace.

Wallywobbles · 13/04/2019 19:41

I saw a fairly crap councilor as I was going through the separation stuff. It allowed me to bore her rather than my friends.

I then saw a mind blowing psychiatrist who gave me great tools and made me work hard to change the dynamics. Invaluable.

Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon · 13/04/2019 21:50

I'd move half the joint accouut money to yours NOW. He will get nasty I'm sure.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 14/04/2019 06:55

Ok will look up linxo thanks.

Yes my counselor is a psychotherapist and it not only allows me to off-load but get some great insights too.

Had a good night with my friend last night, despite initially not feeling up to it.

Today I am planning a walk by the say, a visit to the art museum and then home to do some yoga.

I have slept right through the last couple of nights which is great, even if I'm not managing more than 7hrs (waking very early). Normally I prefer a good 8 hrs but this is an improvement at least.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 14/04/2019 07:28

You sound like such a lovely friend, Jamais. I really think you'll thrive once you are away from his energy-sapping demands.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 14/04/2019 07:34

Smile thanks

OP posts:
Lisette1940 · 14/04/2019 08:27

What BitOfFun said ^

Wallywobbles · 14/04/2019 17:34

One of the books that the good shrink gave me is called. "Les manipulateurs sont parmi nous". I went back to it a lot in the early days. Definitely recommend it.

What we did, and DH and his ex do is we have the passports and they have the ID cards so there's no pissing about when you want to travel with the kids. So that's something to start doing and easier to sort when you are still under one roof.

Have you discussed the kind of divorce you want to do? Ask the councilor if she can recommend a lawyer during the joint session. That's how we got ours. You can have your one too to check through.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 14/04/2019 18:22

Thanks, that's a good tip about the id cards/passports, the DC have both so that would work.

I'll look into the book.

For the divorce, I have a lawyer who I have seen a few times (recommended by a friend) and I trust her to advise me.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 15/04/2019 07:12

Would you trust her to do an amiable for you both? Having someone to mediate it for us both really stopped my ex being a CF.

I'm not sure if you can have a joint one and a personal one. If you can that would be ideal. It's so much quicker because it's one person between you. Rather than letter to you. Take appointment with lawyer. She writes letter to him. He takes lawyers appointment. And so forth.

To be honest divorce was just the start of needing a lawyer for me. He took me back to court endlessly after the divorce. He eventually lost his parental rights because he is just such a tool. You cannot use the lawyer you used for an amiable divorce as your personal lawyer afterwards though.

I've been to court a lot so if you need any info let me know.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 15/04/2019 08:27

Thanks. She said she would be my lawyer and we would try for mediation first to sort out as many things as possible, then if necessary go to court for any final details that could not be agreed upon.

I will come back to you for advice once I've seen her again (next Tuesday).

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 15/04/2019 11:54

Just watched a very interesting video on youtube during my lunchbreak - "why you will marry the wrong person".

He talks about sulking in it, and gives some explanation which certainly rings true for H.

Unfortunately even after watching it, and the "hopeful" conclusion about compromise, if H is NOT prepared to compromise with me or "willing to interpret behavious with charity and kindness" (definition of love according to Alain de Botton in the video) then I can't do it anymore.

OP posts:
Enchomage · 15/04/2019 14:46

Thank you so much for sharing that !
Best of luck for the future.You will be fine,regret it or not!Smile

Wauden · 16/04/2019 13:30

Sorry to go off on a tangent, but given the sad news about Notre Dame Cathedral, what are people saying in France about it?

Mix56 · 16/04/2019 15:26

Sad, no talk of foul play They will rebuild. Not for the first time,
A massive project that will take decades....