Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

[jamaisjedors]

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

I was just going to post, That's a lot of money to spend on heating, but maybe you can turn it right down upstairs when DC are not there. or even all the time & buy some electric blankets.
Also could they get around on bicycles ? or is it too busy?
It sounds like the flat is no good, so in view of needing something, (even if just for a year)

ps. I would put the phone on silent. He really is missing you is he ? He needs to get used to it

ahh the house is only 15 mins walk to town. I am retracting my previous choice of the flat on that info - thought it was a mile or more out in the sticks still. 15mins is no issue for strapping lads.
also now you have seen location, thats the real crux.
the house sounds great.
go for the house

also keep in mind that H may not quite be love bombing, but he is bound to crank up the nice when he feels you pulling away. He will give and say just enough to get you back into line, and to confuse the issue. firstly to get you where he feels confident that you are not going anywhere, but also so he can say 'well I TRIED but she just threw it back in my face. The little bit of nice attempts to distract from the big issues. whitewashing over the major cracks. And only the nice that HE wants - ie a simple text and an attempt at sex, NOT the nice that is needed.
Not being a dick doesnt equal nice, it just means behaving like a human being. It should be the standard.

Thanks. Yes the house is not in the middle of nowhere at all, and has a bus-stop right outside the door and anywhere in the town in walkable in 15-20 mins - and bikeable too.

The house is actually quicker to access a main road so will be quicker to drive DS1 to school.

Re: the bills, it was a family of 4 kids plus two adults living there, and it was pretty warm when I went there, so I'm assuming I can cut the bills as I am fairly careful.

If not, as everyone says, we will re-evaluate.

This is absolutely true :
so he can say 'well I TRIED but she just threw it back in my face. The little bit of nice attempts to distract from the big issues.

misty9 thanks for sharing and the tips, I am now thinking about furniture and your advice is very helpful.

Hope you are ok and have good friends, even if they haven't been through the same thing. A friend of mine has done exactly the same and I spoke to her earlier to give me the courage to call the owner of the house.

Feel free to pm me too.

You will all just learn to wear jumpers with body warmers on top!

He will come out with a load of cr*p: she didn't tell me she was unhappy, I have no idea what I've done wrong, she never supported me with my health....

It's going to be a "me, me, me" whinge fest.

To be honest in our current house H is so mean with the heating that I have an electric blanket and always put an extra jumper on at home - we are used to it!

Wow you are spot on Random - he has already said several times about his health and how he doesn't feel supported, despite being called out on it by the counsellor who asked him just what he wanted and to express his needs and allow me to support him.

Yes, please feel no need to divulge your new house, the price of rent, the location, wait until you have a 'contrat de bail'. he might even be able to scupper the plan.
If it is beneficial to You, you can say "I have a found a suitable house to rent I am moving to it from 1st June/ whatever."

Please play your cards very close to your chest. Whatever you tell him is already being used against you.

Like this text and phoning you later...

Good advice. If I tell him the price he will start complaining or trying to interfere.

Can't remember if I said but I am also seeing my lawyer in 2 weeks' time so all round timing is good, kids and I can get settled before the summer etc.

Focus for Tuesday night should be on his constant disrespect towards you by groping you in bed expecting sex! I would include things such as "Why do ignore the requests I have made" when he lies and pretends to have forgotten, call him out on it "You're lying I don't believe that you've forgotten you just want what you want"

You know what, we already discussed the sex thing with regard to the holiday where I really did feel coerced.

He wasn't hearing it then (despiste the counsellor pushing him about why he insisted despite me saying no previously) and this recent behaviour he will attribute to trying to reconnect.

Focus, maybe, on the fact that you do not expect to be forced/coerced into sex. You are separating, the real need is now is discussion how to tell the DC that they will be 50:50, & to behave like loving caring adults, to smooth over the moving out period, & through to the following months, causing the least possible pain & upset to them, & that he will need to pull up his socks & think of someone other than himself for a prolonged period.

I think focus on Tuesday will be on how to tell the kids, and advice from the therapist about how to move forward.

Her last suggestion - definining our wants and needs in a relationship - was rejected by H who said he wanted to separate and didn't want to think abou that.

I think I have now gained what I was looking for from the sessions - the certainty that he has no interest in changing and that he is incapable of taking into account or taking seriously my needs.

I need to go back to my mantra from December "it doesn't matter if he IS happy in the relationship, if I AM NOT happy, I can leave".

And repeat.

And I know you are all here for my wobbles and so are my friends.

But every person I tell makes it more real and harder to go backwards.

Cross post with mix56 but that is exactly it, but better expressed!

Sorry I' a cow but I would call him out...

"Last session you said you wanted to separate and then you still thought it was ok to grope me. I have taken you at your word, it's over keep your hands to yourself"

Yes I could call it that way. He said at the session that he wanted to separate, then we discussed it at home, so I can start with that.

But I can just see him doing his sad face about how is trying to be affectionate and express his love in that way...

If I announce at the session that this is it, we are separating, there will be no more groping because there will be no more hugging or cuddling up. And if I know it's finite (once I have a moving date) I CAN sleep downstairs on the sofa.

Am wondering if there are things I ought to be doing this weekend while he is away. I have access to all the paperwork etc but perhaps take photos/scans of important stuff?

Do a bit of decluttering? Walk around the rooms and make a list of what I want to take?

I'm not going to start buying furniture (although I did buy a second-hand chest of drawers on Friday from a friend) until things are signed etc. with the house.

Yes copies of ALL paperwork possible, savings, pay slips, pensions, tax returns etc

YES, scan his pay slips, his congé payé, pension, mortgage payments, savings, all bank account details, assurance vie, Once he finally accepts this is real he will do all in his power to win screw you over financially.
Yes, go through each room, look at what is yours, & note it down.
It will be possibly more comfortable if the DC see some of their "home" in your new home too. You need to be fair, & you should leave anything from his family.
Mostly you need to be aware this is the calm before the storm, he will not "go quietly". There will be slagging off, recriminations, & finally bitterness & possible hate. Because he actually will feel he has been betrayed. How dare you leave him ?

Yes, my abusive exH was enraged I left him - without his permission!

His threats to leave you were just to get you in line then.

I'm wondering if it's possible, on top of everything else lol, to frame it in such a way as to massage his ego. Ime locking horns can lead to vicious warfare on their part. If you could frame it in such a way as to make it look like it's his choice...?

Yy I know it's difficult and a sophisticated route when we're already feeling beleaguered. Just a thought.

But I'd still say don't have normal arguments with him and expect him to take it. He cannot countenance that he's wrong in any way and will obliterate you, or try to, if you suggest it.

The house sounds great and well-placed - yay! can I come to your housewarming

Maybe have a good look around in case he has tried to hide things, including financial?

I found it really overwhelming once the decision had been made to split and I knew I was the one leaving. Still do actually as I don't move out until next week. Every time I look around the house it felt physically painful. But yes it is helpful to start compiling mental lists of what you'll take and also to declutter as much as possible. I sorted through all paperwork and put my stuff in a box file. I'm finding it feels an odd mix of moving house and packing for holiday as I know it doesn't need to be done in one go. The pain is lessening as time goes by though.

Thank you for replying to my post and offering a pm. It made me cry actually as I feel quite alone at the moment - and even a virtual stranger offering comfort is received gratefully.

Oh Misty9 sending you virtual hugs.

I know that feeling, for weeks now I've been walking round the house and a wave of grief just hits me.

I worked so hard on this house too, we sanded and painted and insulated...

My friend told me to prepare for the first couple of days without the DC - that was when she cracked but her friends came round and kept her busy.

The other day when we were talking with H he said he couldn't understand why I would be sad if we split up, it should be a "liberation" for me.

Well yes it will but it's still incredibly sad to think about what we had and what we could have had.

I'm here, we'll be on a similar timescale, keep talking to me. X

Go for the house Jamais and good luck. Don't forget the little stuff like kitchen equipment and cupboard contents and Christmas decorations. As a op said, your dc will he helped by familiar stuff

Yes to all the kitchen stuff, particularly if he doesn't cook much.
Consider taking the best crockery you only use for partys etc vases, mugs, pots pans. Wooden spoons
Everything you will need. It will save you thousands literally
Also the bare essential garden tool, pots.
Bedding. (Even beds,)
Towels
Cleaning kit
In theory half the furniture. & if there are any precious things you like. Paintings etc. Take them before the official departure!

I will walk round and look at precious things and also perhaps start putting aside other things.

I'm not sure it will work out money-wise after the split with equipping a new house.

As all our money is currently joint, I'm kind of assuming I will use it to equip the new house. So take some familiar things but also not totally strip the house for the DC.

I will ask my lawyer if we need to agree to a fixed amount to re-equip a house to the same standard that we have now (obviously it won't be exactly, and I'm quite happy to get second-hand stuff).

No reason why I should have to pay for all of it myself (not that I could really anyway, as I said all money is in joint accounts).