Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

[jamaisjedors]

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

The flat sounds cool!

Not sure how old the kids are but ime my kids lost interest in the garden from about the age of 12, really. Big spike when they were teens eg bbq's but they really weren't that fussed they were off out with their friends, to/from school, hobbies. Ime teens like the city = action, close to everything.

That's my pennyworth lol. No pressure!

Big spike when they were LATE teens, 18+

12 & 14.

I think my friend thinks the flat is a good idea too, of course no guarantee that it will be nice or even that I would get it.

I have called the flat too, they are supposed to be texting me some extra photos so I can say if I want to visit.

Torn between taking the house in case nothing decent comes up again, or waiting to see with the flat and maybe something else coming up.

I thought this move was a rental stop gap until your money is finalised then you'd buy your dream.

Even if you don’t want to buy for a few years, surely you could rent somewhere and switch to another rental if you wanted something different? How long are you locked into a lease for?

I can't recommend living in a flat highly enough. Never having to do any gardening is such a blessing for a single parent.

I think my heart says yes to a flat because I actually hate gardening and am allergic to pollen !

And actually right now I don't particularly want to recreate suburban living on my own.

OTOH I don't want the DC to be miserable either when they are with me.

I think a lease would be a year but actually I have no idea.

Re: a stop-gap - not really I don't think, I had kind of thought I would stay somewhere with the DC for now and then live where I wanted to in a few years time so I don't want to get trapped into living somewhere and tie up all my capital.

Mind you, it could be fun to live in a flat with the DC for a bit and then look for somewhere WITH them onboard.

I think you are right that nothing perfect is going to come up to rent as there is so little out there, it would be wise to take something not too expensive.

Being tied up in a big house on my own with not much spare money is probably not a great choice to make for the start of a new single life - I would be better off having spare cash to do fun things with the DC or on my own.

We could go on camping weekends if we wanted some greenery I guess!

I've spent 15 years living in a big house in a big garden with not much need to go out and do day trips or activities etc. because everything the DC needed was at home.

I need to change my mentality, and actually previously I loved going out and doing things.

Im a country girl, but I would go for the flat. If you are in the centre then its easy to get out and do things anyway, easier transport, eas to just walk out the door and grab a coffee or hop onto public transport. And as you say, with spare money, never mind the bills, you would be able to do more with them anyway.
They may really like the contrast too - best of both worlds

I think your kids are at the age where living in a flat in town would make a lot of sense. Your kids are now at the age where things like the garden will become a lot less important and proximity to friends will become much more vital.They will be able to increase their level of independence if you are in town - see friends and go to stuff like cinema/meets ups/cafes/youth groups etc themselves without being dependent on Mum&Dad taxi! I think that you may find it easier to meet with friends and form a circle separate to your STBEXH if you are in town.

I think it is important not to get too wrapped up in finding the perfect home because at the moment it is impossible to know what will suit your new family structure. I think the important thing is not to stress too much about the long term situation and find somewhere that you think you could bear to live in the short term.

All good advice, thanks, that's really helpful, I was agonizing over calling up the house to say yes and feeling the pressure of not ending up with nothing.

Will update tomorrow if I hear back from the flat about possible visiting times.

Have looked up the flat on google maps, it's right on the main square - which is mostly good, apart from the kebab shop next door ! DS1 will love it

OP, I'm a latecomer to your threads. I'm in awe of what you have worked your way through.

I'm sad that your husband treated you so badly, going back to your first post. Sulking (I hate the fact that that term even applies to the behaviour of an adult) through what was a special occasion for you, and an anniversary of something so difficult

Do what is right for you. Maybe that house isn't exactly right for you. Look forward, maybe the flat is right for you, location, future etc.

All the best, you are a fab, courageous person.

Fingers crossed for the flat.

Have woken up this morning thinking that the house is too big and expensive to run and I'll be rattling around there alone.

The flat could be good. I've texted them again this morning as they hadn't replied last night and fingers crossed.

I guess it's all about projecting myself into a different life.

I had a week thinking about that house and so talked myself into how life would be there.

But I know that I get frustrated with all the house and garden maintenance where I am now and would live for a few years to focus on other things - and be somewhere warm and cozy.

Sorry "would LOVE for a few years..."

Hi jamais, been following your post from day 1 as it’s SO similar to my own situation. Just want to say how proud of yourself you should be. I’ve taken the decision to keep it going here until DD2 has done her exams this summer (altho DH thinks we’re making a go of it). Using this time to just look objectively at his behaviour & get stronger. Doing a lot of secret reading!! He went through a phase of not putting a foot wrong & I felt so guilty as I just felt uneasy when he was so nice. Slowly little bits of the old behaviour are creeping in here & there now. Last night I had a disagreement with DD2 about pick up from a party & he steamed in & made it so much worse. Called him out on it & he slammed the bedroom door so hard I swear you could hear it on the other side of the village. Told me he can do what he likes & get lost. Sorry- hijacked what should have been a well done post to you! Keep going - you’re an inspiration x

Not hijacking at all!

I get the secret reading thing, luckily I have a Kindle and H never asks what I'm reading anyway but I have read so many books lately which have really helped me.

Are you making plans to give you something to focus on, even if you aren't leaving straight away?

I totally understand the "he's being nice, I'm imagining it all, I can do this" feeling!

Sorry - wrote a long reply & lost it! Yes, I’ve seen a solicitor who knows my timescales & is keeping my file open. Looking at properties & areas online that I could buy outright with my percentage of house sale. I do work but it wouldn’t be enough for a mortgage & living expenses. When DD2 turns 18 in 2 years I wouldn’t get any maintenance from him so I have to be able to support myself. He’s got up this morning & not mentioned last night 🙄 Predictably he’s fussing about his latest health issue but I’m not giving him attention or sympathy which is what he wants. It’s so exhausting! Forgot to say, I think the flat sounds better than the house for you. A complete change, more central & as others have said, your DCs will appreciate proximity to travel & town more & more going forward xx

Ok just visited the flat with my amazing friend.

It was not very nice, above a kebab shop and on a very noisy main square in this small market town.

My friend thinks the house is a better option because the DC (who she has known since they were tiny) would be miserable in the flat and it is super noisy.

They could still walk in 15 mins into the town from the house and walk to school etc.

Sounds like the house is a better option then.

My two friends think so and I can see myself there too now.

The owner left me a message about half an hour ago, I had a wobble but have called him back.. got the answerphone though.

I left him a message and have texted too.

Fingers crossed now.

Agree house sounds best option. Feeling excited for you now!

The owner has texted back to say we can set up an appointment for next week, I assume that means yes!

The house has a supermarket opposite it, a baker's 5 mins walk and 15 mins walk to the town centre and to school.

I can close a door to the upstairs when the DC are not there to reduce the feeling if "rattling around" and my friends have promised to help me make it cozy.

I can start planning a housewarming party!

Still feel like something could go wrong, and of course have to get through the conversation with H (again) and then the DC.

We have a couples appointment scheduled for Tuesday night so that will be a good time to talk about it and talk about the DC.

Meanwhile H is texting me that he misses me and will be calling later...

Fingers crossed that you can go through with the house Jamais

Still feel like something could go wrong, and of course have to get through the conversation with H (again) and then the DC.
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We have a couples appointment scheduled for Tuesday night so that will be a good time to talk about it and talk about the DC.
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Meanwhile H is texting me that he misses me and will be calling later...
^^ Run through some of the scenarios in your head (or discuss with your lovely friends) so you are not flustered in the conversations coming up and can give the replies you need - as opposed to want - to give him.

Beware of giving him information he doesn't need. Remember: at the end of the day he is not your friend. He just wants what he wants.

So pleased you have found somewhere and that you can now start making plans.

I've just spent this morning reading your thread and you sound very patient and strong.

I wanted to comment as I am currently going through separation from my H - he's not abusive like yours but I do recognise some of the traits as my H has ASD and is very rigid and self-focused.

I am also the one leaving the family home and we will share care of the kids 50/50. I am a better mum when I'm on my own with them although our situation is complicated by ds being very challenging. I feel so sad about leaving my lovely home and starting again in rented. It feels like compromise and sacrifice are never ending at the moment.

A few things I've reflected on:

• take furniture etc from the home - it's only fair to spread the cost and stress of furnishing a new place (and building flat pack!)
• you might be surprised at the dc reaction to the new place; I was really worried that they wouldn't like it but so far they are very enthusiastic and (probably from a sense of loyalty to me) say they love it
• it's proving to be liberating, albeit scary, to make decisions and create a home on my own

I do feel alone compared to being in a marriage - even one which wasn't emotionally supportive at all - but friends are being great. I feel I'm waffling now but just wanted to post as I'm struggling to find other women who have been/are going through the process of being the one to leave the home.