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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

977 replies

jamaisjedors · 04/02/2019 12:12

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 11/04/2019 20:47

Thanks, I think I need to re-read them and my journal.

A few days at home in our lovely house with H being "normal" is making me wobble and the house visit tomorrow is making me super nervous.

On the other hand, I have started to tell quite a few people, including my brother, so I'm being held "accountable".

Will report back after the visit.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 11/04/2019 23:17

Try and concentrate on the excitement factor. Forget the big picture temporarily.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 12/04/2019 06:38

I reread parts of "should I stay or should I go?" last night which has strengthened my resolve. Plus reread the thread and was shocked to see what I was writing in February and that I am still here now.

H is leaving for the weekend today, this morning a "hug" started becoming more exploratory and even when I clearly stopped his hand from moving, he just kept trying.

I got up and will go and say goodbye fully dressed.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 12/04/2019 08:49

Oh God, that is sickening, He still thinks you belong to him

FilledSoda · 12/04/2019 10:34

Fuck sake , what's with the groping at every opportunity?
Is it to dominate you?
Humiliate you ?
That would make be furious

Fairenuff · 12/04/2019 10:40

I think he's just used to OP doing what he wants as that's what she normally does. It will be a relief for her to get away from the sexual harassment and be able to sleep in peace and fully relax.

Dullardmullard · 12/04/2019 13:22

If your splitting why are you sharing a bed still.

Also if he’s groping tell him No loudly.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 12/04/2019 13:50

I have nowhere else to sleep. I sometimes take myself down to the sofa if I really can't sleep at all but don't see why I should be ejected from my bed.

I'm pretty sure he wouldn't see it as groping, just affection, because it's just stroking but it's pretty insistant and so I first stopped his hand and then got up.

I have no idea why he is doing this despite us having had a conversation about splitting last weekend.

He would probably say he was being "loving".

He is away now until Monday or Tuesday so I am looking forward to sleeping on my own.

OP posts:
Daftapath · 12/04/2019 14:32

My stbxh used to do the same. Once we had 'the chat' about separating (and he told me he considered that our marriage had been over for years) I still had to share a bed with him. Every night, without fail, he would try it on and start touching me. It was definitely his way of trying to take back the control that he knew he had lost. It was awful. I used to dread bedtime and having to fend him off. Even after I managed to get him out of the house, he still tried to manufacture situations here he would say he had to stay the night and that 'of course' he would share a bed with me. Shudder.

Stick to your guns OP and keep your boundaries clear with him. Hope the property you look at today turns out to be suitable for you. If not, I would look at asking H to move out until you can find suitable accommodation. It might be easier for him to find somewhere short term than you have found it as he can be more flexible on location.

TinselAngel · 12/04/2019 14:59

If you can manage to come up with somewhere else to sleep OP, I would, in order to make your boundaries very clear.

GummyGoddess · 12/04/2019 15:03

I think he thinks if he can get you to have sex then eveything will go back to normal. It is ridiculous, and also shows disregard for your feelings if you make it clear he should stop and he ignores you.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 12/04/2019 15:27

I think he thinks if he can get you to have sex then eveything will go back to normal

I think this is true. We talked about it in couples counselling and he has already explained that he thinks that "talking" as communication is not working so he wants to "communicate" in another way.

It is quite (very) often how we got back to normal after a period of coldness or silent treatment, but it has always bothered me and I have often felt manipulated by that.

In the counselling the therapist pointed out that we needed to find another way to resolve conflict but we haven't and H doesn't seem interested.

He seems to be saying "have sex/make love with me and then I'll consider working on the relationship, whereas I think if we do that, we'll be back to square one because he will feel he has "got me back".

Off to see the house now. A flat has also come up, which looks very nice, but I don't think the DC would be happy without any outside space at all - they are country kids.

OP posts:
woolduvet · 12/04/2019 15:41

But the flat wouldn't be long term. Just a stop gap.

LizzieSiddal · 12/04/2019 15:59

Good luck with the house and flat.

If you have no where else to sleep could you put a pillow between you and H. That should make very clear your wish for him to stop touching you.

Daftapath · 12/04/2019 16:01

It is definitely very manipulative. And controlling.

Maybe not a pillow but a mousetrap! Grin

Mix56 · 12/04/2019 16:27

He probably thinks it's something you like.......--& it's completely arbitrary action, after all if he likes it, so will you ?!
Hoping the house is good.

Dullardmullard · 12/04/2019 16:51

I know you don’t want to give up your bed but I think you should move out of it for your safety because he isn’t listening at all!! He also may push and you give in then how will you feel or something worse.

Good luck on the house.

Clutterbugsmum · 12/04/2019 17:07

I think your DC will be happy whether in a house or flat because they are out of this stressful situation.

And as for Ex unfortunately his only method of communication is sex, he doesn't understand to get what he wants I.E. sex he has to improve his all around communication and commitment to the family as a whole.

LizzieSiddal · 12/04/2019 17:20

Daft. Yes a mousetrap or even an electric fence would be quite a deterrent.Wink

FinallyHere · 12/04/2019 19:28

Glad to hear reading your thread again has stiffened your resolve. As for sharing a bed ..

How about a bolster type pillow in the middle of the bed. ?

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 12/04/2019 19:50

Grin will think about mousetraps or bolster pillows (we have both!) for the bed.

My fault partly, I let him pull me in for a hug this morning as he was leaving for his trip with the DC.

Anyway, I went to visit the house this evening.

It's nice.

A lovely friend came with me to visit which was super helpful.

We had a drink afterwards to discuss pros and cons.

Pros :
Plenty of space, quite light, nice kitchen, in generally good condition.
A manageable small garden so outside space for the DC.
A basement to put a ping pong table in for the DC.
4 bedrooms, 2 ground floor, 2 attic, so when I am alone I could close the door to the top floor and just live downstairs.
Right near a bus-stop, 5 mins from a forest/park, supermarket across the road

Cons:
A bit too big and lonely for me to rattle around in on my own.
On a quite busy road (which you can definitely hear in the garden which runs along it, not really at all in the house).
On the edge of a town rather than actually in it (about a mile from the centre)
Not very cosy
Expensive
Expensive bills (big house to heat - the current tenants are paying 200€ a month for gas and electric Shock

As my friend said, we could see me living there with the DC, but she would be a bit worried about me in there on my own.

The other option is a flat with 3 bedrooms (and 2 bathrooms), all modern, right in the centre, but no outside space at all (a place downstairs to store bikes but no balcony etc.)

They will be organising visits next week.

I need to give the owner of the house an answer tonight or tomorrow, there are several other people visiting.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/04/2019 20:07

The boys will still have outside space when they are at their Dads and it's not a long term home...

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 12/04/2019 20:10

I know, my friend was saying I can't recreate what they have now (massive house, massive garden, in the countryside) and they will have that every other week.

I'm just trying to envision what I would do with them in a flat at the weekend. In winter it's fine, but in summer I guess I would need to take them out all the time.

I guess we could still go for walks/bike rides or drive to parks and take a picnic. I'm happy to live in a flat myself but don't know how they would cope; it would save 350€ a month though, which would go a long way to days out!

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 12/04/2019 20:14

It's not long-term as in forever but I would stay there at least 2-3 years I think as estate agent's fees plus state taxes mean buying is only worth it if you are happy to stay put for 6 years plus (and take the gamble of struggling to sell afterwards).

Once the DC have left home I would rather live in the city where I work.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/04/2019 20:17

How old are the boys now? In a couple of years they will be less interested in playing out in the garden...