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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

977 replies

jamaisjedors · 04/02/2019 12:12

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 07/04/2019 17:32

I think he will definitely blame and bad mouth me and say I just gave him an ultimatum in December, agreed to six months and walked out sooner over a minor disagreement and that I'm generally a spoilt brat.

It doesn't matter. Noone I know (and not even his family) will believe that.

Re: the plan, I was waiting to hear his plan, which turned out to be the same as mine, but I was non-committal about it. I said that I agreed that it seemed like the only viable solution, and talked about "the person moving out" rather than committing to it myself.

I am SO crossing my fingers for the house visit on Friday - made easier by the fact that he will be away so I don't have to account for my whereabouts. A friend is coming with me.

My only worry about that is that if the house is not great, but will DO, my friend might try to put me off and encourage me to wait a bit longer for something else to come up.

I think I will show her the different options which are currently available so she can see how difficult it is to find somewhere and see that I might have to settle for less than perfect (the house is along quite a busy road, but very close to shops, a bus-stop and an enormous forest/park area.)

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/04/2019 17:37

It's a rental not a forever home!!!

SnapesGreasyHair · 07/04/2019 18:06

That actually seems an ideal location to me. I'd rather a busy road then a quiet village. At least you know there are people about if you needed help..... yes, you may not know them but people are pretty good in emergencies

woolduvet · 07/04/2019 18:27

Different doesn't mean bad. This would be a workable stop gap if it meets essential criteria ie travel, bus stops, beds etc
Then you have the luxury of taking your time to find a perfect house.

FinallyHere · 07/04/2019 19:09

lets me go a certain distance and then starts trying to reel me back in

Hoping that noticing this pattern gives you strength to raise your own boundaries, to notice his attempts and to not respond in the way he hopes.

He will be trying everything he can think of , to try an reel you in again. Resist , ma brave

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 07/04/2019 19:33

I am already quite proud of myself for not caving over the family weekend away.

He asked when we were quite relaxed and having a hug, and also said how much it meant to him and how he wanted to spend some time with me.

Normally I would have caved, pleased that he wanted me there, and also wanting to support him.

But I am not going back on it this time, which is why I emailed straight away to excuse myself.

My psychologist (and of course you lot!) are really helping me too - she was encouraging me to trust my feelings and not let myself be manipulated.

OP posts:
NettleTea · 07/04/2019 19:57

wow you are taking giant steps here. well done

RandomMess · 07/04/2019 20:22

All this is the working of man who really doesn't believe you will leave and is checking how little he can get a way with doing in order to shut you up...

Very manipulative behaviour!

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 07/04/2019 21:02

God it totally is, isn't it? He still hasn't made any concessions or any offer to change, when I think back to our conversation.

Instead he is trying to involve me in minutiae to do with the house and the garden - our washing line is broken and he was trying to get me to walk around the garden to find a new spot for it and to look at different models online.

This is what he's doing while I'm worrying about the kids and the future Angry

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 07/04/2019 22:27

Extra weird to be getting you to make decisions about a washing line for a house you had just agreed you'd be moving out of. Put your washing line where you like mate.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 07/04/2019 23:07

That's what I said!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/04/2019 23:09

😂

LizzieSiddal · 07/04/2019 23:16

My only worry about that is that if the house is not great, but will DO, my friend might try to put me off and encourage me to wait a bit longer for something else to come up.

You could tell your friend before the visit to the house, that the most important thing at the moment is that you leave the family house ASAP.

Mix56 · 08/04/2019 07:30

He won't talk about it until you give him a hug
He is trying to get you along to his family visit. It will mean alot to him
He gets touchy feely after the break up chat
He has not for 1 minute realised the cold stark reality. IMHO he is in denial

Happynow001 · 08/04/2019 12:07

He won't talk about it until you give him a hug
He is trying to get you along to his family visit. It will mean alot to him
He gets touchy feely after the break up chat
He has not for 1 minute realised the cold stark reality. IMHO he is in denial
This^^ also quite manipulative

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 08/04/2019 12:30

I veer between thinking he is in denial (what a lot of people have said to me when I describe his behavious) and thinking this is pure manipulation.

Whatever it is, it's not helping our relationship.

Really looking forward to visiting the house on Friday now.

A couple of other things (flats) have come up and I think I will call the agencies and view them as well, even if I feel the DC would struggle in a flat after living in the countryside all their lives.

I slept ridiculously badly last night, despite lots of fresh air and yoga.

Quiet day at work though, and then dinner with old friends and I am staying over so hopefully some more sleep.

OP posts:
Wauden · 08/04/2019 22:13

Perhaps is testing you out? In any case he never takes you seriously as a general observation.

Flowers

TheMShip · 09/04/2019 10:13

No fault divorces will soon be a thing in England & Wales. Maybe this will be helpful for you.

[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-47860144]

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 09/04/2019 11:49

Thanks, that just popped up on my Facebook feed too!

Here (not in Uk) blame is not an issue if we can agree on a divorce.

The sticking point will be finances, our lawyers/solicitors have to draw up a financial agreement before the divorce can be pronounced.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 09/04/2019 16:05

If at all possible go for consentement mutuel it'll save you a fortune. My divorce cost 1200€ split 2 ways. DHs divorce cost 13k€ just for him. His ex wife's lawyer was a total shark and encouraged her to drag it out. It took 4 years, thus the cost.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 09/04/2019 16:53

Wow!!! Yes my lawyer thinks that there is a better chance of keeping hosts down because I have stayed and tried to work things out rather than walking out in January.

I think it should "à l'amiable" which means "on friendly terms" but even if it isn't, she is suggesting working out most of not all of the details in mediation first.

H seems to be behaving as normal still now, despite our conversation.

I will need to make a decision about the house in Friday night once I've seen it, and he will be away.

I have a feeling he is going to come down on me like a ton of bricks if I announce I have found a house while he is away.

OP posts:
Happynow001 · 09/04/2019 17:54

I have a feeling he is going to come down on me like a ton of bricks if I announce I have found a house while he is away.
Then perhaps "shift the date" a little so it appears you were very lucky to find something at relatively short notice after his return? No need to be too open with him OP if he's going to make you suffer for it.

Whilst you want to be as honourable and as amicable as possible Remember: at the end of the day he is not your friend.

Mix56 · 09/04/2019 18:14

You have no obligation to tell him immediately when or where, you have found a house.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 09/04/2019 19:39

I was thinking that. I know myself how hard it is to find something which is why I'm reluctant to let this one go if at all possible.

He doesn't.

Officially it's available from the 1st June, but the owner said it might be available slightly earlier if the tenants move in the middle of the month.

And I still don't know if he'll let it to me (others are visiting) even if I am in a strong position financially and "present well".

We'll see on Friday.

An old acquaintance is emptying her house (furniture) over the next week or so and it would be a really great opportunity to get some basic furniture at a reduced rate.

I would need to store it for a month or so though, so have contacted a storage place and got a quote, they would also lend me a van!

If things work out, "jexit" could finally be on its way.

H still being nice, kind and joking and complimentary but I just feel sad, even if he stayed like that (his best self) I am now so worn down and hurt by what has happened that I doubt I could get any feelings back for him anymore.

I guess the Mumsnet standard about not eating a delicious chocolate cake with a small bit of shit in it is right!!!

OP posts:
Wauden · 09/04/2019 21:39

If you have a wobble, and imagine that he would possibly remain his best self, to you, then maybe just re-read your posts.

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