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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

977 replies

jamaisjedors · 04/02/2019 12:12

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 31/03/2019 16:32

Classic manipulation by your H about the holidays. Don’t fall for it. You could go elsewhere, alone, for a few days, while he does as he and the DC wish, then for part of the time he can go away while you do likewise.

Are you sure about you being the one to move out, rather than other options, eg family home being sold? Has your solicitor specifically advised on that? Seems to be a high risk of your H withholding funds for ages, to his benefit and your and DCs’ detriment.

Also DC residency options other than 50/50, which it doesn’t sound to be best for your DC.

How was it planned for DC1 to travel to school had nothing been changing in your relationship?

A gardener and taxis as needed would be a lot cheaper than moving fees.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 31/03/2019 16:49

From where we live now the DC's have specific school buses which take them almost door to door.

We drop them when they start at 8am to avoid them getting up at 6.15.

Next year ds1 would need to walk about a mile to the school bus to his sixth form.

Because of some weird geographical quirk, our village is the only one with catchment and buses to both this secondary and sixth form, we are between the two.

Any village slightly one way or the other then would have buses to DC 1's school for example, but not dc2's iyswim.

Whether I move out or h moves out, one of us will be driving one of the DC on alternate weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 31/03/2019 16:52

It's true that a gardener would be cheaper than moving but again, I wouldn't want to stay here long term whereas I think h probably would, leaving the DC at least with the security of the family home for about longer.

I should probably talk all this through'"in theory " with H at the next counseling appointment, rather than trying to second guess what he will do

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 31/03/2019 16:56

Suggest talking it over with your lawyer first.

Mix56 · 31/03/2019 17:29

Yes, & also, I am betting he doesn't think you will go through with the separation.

Loveatthefiveanddime · 31/03/2019 17:43

How about he moves out temporarily until money is agreed and you can buy a place - or is that ridiculous?

TinselAngel · 31/03/2019 19:52

I've been reading this thread since the beginning and lurking whilst cheering you on, but I'm delurking to say I'm really bloody annoyed he's said he won't go and see his family if you won't go OP.

RandomMess · 31/03/2019 20:03

OP you are more than welcome to come visit me and be as anti social as you like just to get away!

Wallywobbles · 31/03/2019 22:33

Have a look at the pap.fr site. It's particulier à particulier so no agency fees. Obviously still have notaire fees though

JanuarySun · 01/04/2019 11:02

Please don't rely on your H keeping the 'family home' when you divorce, he seems the type to sell the house to spite you, 'Sorry DCs I have to sell your lovely home since Mummy left me..'

So assume it's getting sold no matter what where do you want to live in the interim?

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 01/04/2019 12:41

I need to talk it through with him, probably at the next counselling appointment.

Things are worse than frosty at the moment, I went to say goodbye to him this morning as he is leaving for a trip abroad for 3 days, he just walked away from me.

Am looking forward to 2 nights alone in bed though to hopefully catch up on some sleep.

OP posts:
Lisette1940 · 01/04/2019 13:32

Enjoy your break Jamais Wink

Mix56 · 01/04/2019 14:03

Good, no one sulking, what joy. Don't feel the need to phone & see how his trip is doing ..

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 01/04/2019 15:51

Absolutely will not be phoning and I very much doubt he will phone us judging by the last couple of trips away recently.

Which is a relief, if he does call I will be tempted to just pass to the DS anyway.

What annoys me is that even now that I'm more detached from it, it still affects my day when he is so passive aggressive like this morning.

I guess that's why it's passive AGGRESSIVE, it really is aggressive and not just "quiet"

OP posts:
springydaff · 01/04/2019 16:08

Yes it's triggering to be exposed to his casual - though calculated - cruelty when you've been beaten down by his bespoke torture for years and years.

Have a great break jamais Flowers

BlingLoving · 01/04/2019 16:51

I’ve been following since the beginning and posted before, but I think with a different user-name so I am up to date! Grin. The thing that really strikes me about his current behaviour is that he’s upset becaue you’re not conceding to him. You’re not doing what he wants you to do, and even worse, external third parties (the counsellor) appear to be agreeing with you that his behaviour isn’t okay. He simply doesn’t know how to handle this. I think that from his perspective, the reason hes being so cold and unfriendly is that he thinks you’ve been mean/unkind/cruel/whatever.

But as much as possible, you need to keep trying to rise above that. It’s his problem. He’s the one who refuses to see how his behaviour impacts you. You’ve bent over backwards to try to accommodate what he needs, to be a good wife etc. And the effort has been entirely one way. It’s not up to you anymore.

And I stand by the fact that your children will be better off. It’s pretty obvious to me that they are not unaware of the issues and that they have issues with him themselves. My DH went away a few weeks ago, my DC were waiting eagerly for his call every day, asked about him etc etc…

Wauden · 01/04/2019 21:17

Its mental cruelty for him to deliberately hurt you. The children probably notice a great deal more than you know...

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 03/04/2019 07:48

You’re not doing what he wants you to do, and even worse, external third parties (the counsellor) appear to be agreeing with you that his behaviour isn’t okay. He simply doesn’t know how to handle this. I think that from his perspective, the reason hes being so cold and unfriendly is that he thinks you’ve been mean/unkind/cruel/whatever.

This is totally true and everyone has really insightful comments, thank you.

I saw my counsellor on Monday evening. It was good to talk to her.

I asked her why she had urged me to take my time in making the decision to leave or stay.

She said she felt that I was moving back and forth between the two and I needed to be sure to be able to move on afterwards (as some of you have said, it's actually better to have taken my time to make the decision now rather than just have walked out back in December).

At the end she did ask me what was still keeping me there.

I said I think that it's the crumbs of affection or nice-ness which after all the horrible bits, I seize upon.

Also the fact that I am grieving for the loss of the good times in the past and the times to come as a family in the future.

But I also said that I am now absolutely poised to sign up for a house when one comes up and that I have been pro-active about it.

She also pointed out the FOG (she called it mental confusion) and that she thought it was telling that I wasn't trusting my instincts or emotions and having to write things down to keep track of them.

She urged me to trust those emotions and not be manipulated out of them and use mindfullness/breathing etc to stay focused on them and recognise them.

In other news, a house has come up and I have spoken to the owner, I should be able to visit next week. That leaves me a little more time if anything else comes up inbetween.

He has a lot of people interested but he seemed interested by my profile on the phone and I have emailed him all my details too.

Will keep you all posted of course.

Oh yes, other good news, my colleague (who is willing to guarantee my rental for me) is going away for 2 weeks from this weekend, and has offered me her flat which has a beautiful view. I have said yes and will go and stay there for a few days next week to get out of the house and get some sleep - hopefully !

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/04/2019 08:29

Onwards and upwards KOKO

Lisette1940 · 03/04/2019 09:14

Yay, go Jamais. Glad you're getting a little time to yourself and that's great news re the house

TowelNumber42 · 03/04/2019 09:54

Sounds like it is all coming together for you. Good luck.

Mix56 · 03/04/2019 10:31

Great News....Fingers crossed the house is suitable & you get it !
Don't give him the address of your get away flat.
How will you sell this to DC ?

Fairenuff · 03/04/2019 11:49

Did the counsellor mean FOG and as in general confusion and not being able to think clearly or did she mean FOG as in Fear, Obligation, Guilt?

The second is usually applied to how we can sometimes feels about our parents but your relationship with your dh does sound like a parent/child relationship with him having all the power, being in control and punishing you if you fail to follow his rules.

If that's the case, then it's ok to drop the Guilt. You do not have to carry that round with you any more. Put it down and walk away from it.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 03/04/2019 11:51

Thanks all. Not sure how I'm going to tell the DC I will be away for a few days.

I can't remember if I said upthread, but H suggested (well his therapist suggested) that we each take a bit of time for ourselves and apart over the holidays.

He suggested I go away with the DC to see my mum. Which leaves him at home during the school holidays alone.

Great for him, but no break for me (and at this stage I would have to be hiding all this from my mum).

So I had been thinking I would go to a hotel or stay with a friend for a couple of nights just to get a break from all the nervous tension

My colleague offered her flat and I have said yes to getting the keys.

I wonder if I can say I'm cat sitting? I need to check if she still had a cat!

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 03/04/2019 11:54

She meant fog as in confusion not the acronym which wouldn't mean anything here.

She was concerned that I was not trusting my instincts.

OP posts: