Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

[jamaisjedors]

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

I really hope somewhere lovely comes up and you can move Jamais.

Thanks. Bit discouraged after the flurry of activity yesterday.

I messaged about 10 houses for sale (advertised by their owners directly) to ask if they would be interested in renting to me.

1 was in the middle of negotiating a sale, another said to recontact them in a month because they have only just put the house on the market.

No reply from the others but I will keep up this strategy.

I went to all of the agencies in the town I want to live in. Most said they only sell, and wouldn't take my details in case a client wanted to rent. It's not really in their interest to rent because they earn a huge commission from sales so I guess they wouldn't advise their clients to rent, even if a house is slow to sell.

I did manage to leave my details with two places but they said there is hardly anything that comes up ever and advised me to look elsewhere.

A friend encouraged me to look at villages near this town and there is a house which looks nice in one of them.

I could see myself living there, but I am sick of village life and driving everywhere and particularly for DS1 (14), would like to live somewhere with public transport so he could be a bit more independant.

The agencies are closed over the weekend and I am seeing friends tonight so will talk it over with them.

Having been in the house this week on my own with the kids and been happy, I'm a bit pissed off that it looks like I will end up compromising on my living conditions. On the other hand realistically I couldn't stay here long-term so I may as well get out now.

In other news, H got back last night. We haven't spoken yet.

I went to bed once he got back (I am shattered anyway) and then got up this morning and took myself off to the sofa.

Not at all sure how today and the rest of the weekend will pan out.

I am seeing my therapist on Monday night which is great, and then we have another couples' appointment on Thursday evening.

Actually we need to talk about the upcoming holiday and how to organise it. I am not going to go with H to his family thing over a long weekend, and I need to tell him.

Is there anyway you could get him to leave instead so that you and the kids stay in the family home?

Apologies if you've already answered that somewhere on the threads.

Urgh. Must be so frustrating for you. Is the lack of property because you are looking for something very specific?

I think that’s the right thing to do. Not least it gives you a weekend to get things done.

Hi Lisette, the thread is huge, so no worries.

The house is beautiful, but in a village with no public transport and with a huge garden to maintain (I have no interest in gardening but H does).

The DC love it. My hope is that H would choose to stay in the house which would give them stability, while I could live somewhere better connected and nearer the school DS1 will be starting at in September.

The lack of property I think is because I'm looking in this specific town, which is close to the city, well-connected with public transport, and has a great sixth-form (which DS1 is due to go to).

There are loads of things for sale, but one of the agents explained to me that houses or even 3-bed flats rarely come up because people stay put and don't move on.

Maybe I need to re-think my strategy.

Can you buy?

Not yet, no. I could afford to pretty quickly after the divorce but my solicitor advised me that I can't buy now - I guess because the finances are not clear yet.

I suppose I could visit the house in a village which looked promising and it could do for a while.

The original idea was not to move the children around too much - but if in another month or so things are not moving I perhaps need to rethink that and plan to rent short-term til I can buy.

Thanks Jamais. One thought is that the family could hire a gardener to tend to its upkeep. If you are splitting then the house would be sold anyway. If you could stay in the house until it is sold then you'd be in a position to buy in the town with transport links. I know moving out is preferable but there doesn't seem to be much flexibility in the housing rental market. 💐

@jamaisjedors
I'm a bit pissed off that it looks like I will end up compromising on my living conditions. On the other hand realistically I couldn't stay here long-term so I may as well get out now.
Hi OP. I think this is your best bet for now. It would be great to move into your next long term property with the criteria you want but sounds like the market is really limited and you would be trapped in your current situation for longer than necessary.

You are used to making compromises- perhaps time to make another one for the short/medium term in order to get out of the difficult situation you and your DCs are in - even if it means making another move to a more ideal property later on.

Good luck with your endeavours OP - I'm sure something suitable will come up. And you are sounding so focused also.

A roomy 2 bed would work as a rental after all the DC will still have their original bedrooms so it won't be cluttered and they won't be sharing 24/7. Or drowning on the house configuration have a downstairs reception as a bedroom.

I agree town life will be far more preferable for you looking forwards.

Also don't look at places with how they are currently used. So a dining room could be a bedroom for someone. Or a huge lounge could be divided and a single bed could be put in the corner.

Or could you sleep on a decent sofa bed in the lounge.

Good advice, thanks.

Delurking to also suggest a 2 bed flat short term, loads more available than 3 bed generally, plus minimal upkeep to reduce the stuff you have to juggle while divorcing. Bunk beds for the kids or a good quality sofa bed for you in the lounge.

Fingers crossed for you. You only need one place to come up.

I left my abusive husband and moved into my parents and then a flat. I struggled to find anything with agencies (based on my low income plus they needed massive deposit upfront). In the end I found a private let on Gumtree that was perfect.

I always knew it was short term so I didn't need it to tick all the boxes I would have if I was buying. The most important thing was me and DCs having a space of our own. The village won't be forever, and the inconvenience of being there might be outweighed by simply being away from him asap.

Can you advertise on a community site somewhere? If agents aren't taking your details then it could be they aren't taking details of rental properties either. (Business opportunity if so! I always thought France/Europe was the land of rental, only the brits obsessed with buying..)

I hope you find something soon. Perhaps the right thing will come up when you're ready.

You could look at what's for sale on rightmove then leaflet drop any houses that would be suitable. Say you are looking to rent short or long term and are flexible on moving date. That way, anyone struggling to sell who needs to move fast or risk losing their dream home might consider renting their house to secure the property they want.

We did this when we last moved. We took a mortgage out on our existing house and used it to buy our next house. We rented it out for about 2 years before selling it and using the proceeds to pay off our mortgage.

It was really good for us because it was a buyer's market so we got a good deal on the house we bought and waited until the market improved for sellers to sell our original house at a good profit. So, a bit long winded but hopefully you get the gist. Worth a shot anyway?

OP lives in France!

Thanks for the tip, that is what I am trying, but on the French version of Rightmove.

Ooops, yes, I forgot that bit but hopefully there will still be people willing to rent if they can't sell as swiftly as they would like to.

Jamais my divorce was by consentement mutuel and took 5 weeks once the agreement part was done. Our lawyer was bad at the contract bit but excellent at negotiating the agreement. The judge tightened up the agreement at the 10 minute divorce hearing.

You could start looking to buy because you'll have at least 3 months from putting in an offer to deal with finance.

Presumably you have a rough idea of where you are financially. I have 2 mortgages with Britline/credit agricole at 0.8%. Only 7 year mortgages though. And I can really recommend them. But if you think you might want to do something like that the account opening process can be a bit slower. But all online.

Wow that was quick!

My lawyer said it was about 5 months to get a court hearing at the moment.

She said the strategy like you say, is to get as much agreed together beforehand and then just leave a few minor points to be decided by the judge (if that).

She helped my friend with a very difficult renegotiation post divorce and so is pretty up to speed on what might be sticking points and how unpredictable h's can be.

I'm in two minds about buying something quickly because of the extortionate agency and solicitor's fees but OTOH if I am going to stay put somewhere for 5 years or so til the D's have finished school, it might be worth it.

I guess I can go into house hunting in a different way if I bear in mind that I could be in a position to buy early next year.

Just my friend warned me that her ex dragged his feet over giving her the moment for half of their house so it depends how difficult H wants to be.

I have just talked to him about the Easter holidays coming up. We were supposed to be going to a family thing all together.

I have said I don't want to go. I was hoping /expecting H to go on his own with the DC.

But he has said he can't face the drive in his own (4-5hrs) so won't go either.

Feeling down because I had hoped to get some breathing space over that weekend

Funnily enough his therapist suggested that we have some time apart over there holidays. But his idea was that I would go and see my mum with the DC while HE stayed at home for some peace and quiet.

I need to find some way of getting a break by myself because being with my mum is not a break, and being with the DC is lovely but doesn't give me time to breathe and grieve.

How about you go visit a friend on your own?