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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

977 replies

jamaisjedors · 04/02/2019 12:12

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 27/03/2019 18:52

I think we will do 50/50, that's standard here and would work best for everyone including the kids.

Their other friends with separated parents do that.

I need to email the house, but am feeling a bit like I'm in 2 different universes.

H (away) phoned and we talked about our days, he was "normal" and fine on the phone.

DC and I are relaxed at home.

Everything seems ok and like I am getting things totally out of proportion here.

And then I re-read my journal and the threads and it's like a different world.

No wonder H doesn't see the problem, it keeps disappearing on me half of the time.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/03/2019 19:04

Like abuse if it were awful all the time you would be long gone!

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 27/03/2019 19:16

True

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 27/03/2019 19:46

All it does is prove that you're happier with him gone.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 27/03/2019 19:47

Absolutely true as well.

OP posts:
Loveatthefiveanddime · 28/03/2019 11:03

Don't hold off on writing the email though, just send it out there and then when he is back and you have remembered what he is like then you will be glad the wheels are in motion.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 28/03/2019 21:07

Ok, FOG has officially lifted.

H tried to call this evening but I was busy doing yoga in the bedroom and only heard the phone distantly and the DC were on video games with head phones.

He tried our mobiles but they were off (we are not a big mobile family).

30 mins later I saw his text and replied. DC1 saw he had a message and tried to call his dad and explain what happened.

He was quite upset afterwards because his dad was off with him and then hung up on him. Angry

He is now not replying to any messages.

Doing this to me is one thing, I'm used to it. Doing it to the kids is NOT ON.

We had a very nice evening without him anyway and I have just emailed the owner of the house I visited in December which is still on the market.

I am going to go and see some agencies tomorrow afternoon too and also tell H when he gets back that I am not coming with him to a family (his side) event over our Easter holidays.

Am seeing my counsellor on Monday too.

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 28/03/2019 22:38

FOG lifting always makes things easier. He was always going to turn on the children eventually.

Raspberrytruffle · 29/03/2019 01:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Raspberrytruffle · 29/03/2019 01:48

Omg how did this happen! So sorry wrong thread! Hopefully it will make you laugh Blush

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 29/03/2019 06:01

So the house has been sold.

This morning I am going to do round agencies and call up some houses for sale to see if they would be willing to rent to me.

Need to get out of here now.

OP posts:
Cambionome · 29/03/2019 06:21

It's awful that he behaved like that to your ds. Hold on to your anger now and keep going with the house search - the right thing will come along. Flowers

Ruru8thestars · 29/03/2019 06:39

Good luck!

Loopytiles · 29/03/2019 06:44

That is awful that your DS felt anxious about how his father would react to his calls not being answered and that he had to explain; then that his father then hung up on him.

It’s good that you’re leaving.

FrozenMargarita17 · 29/03/2019 07:29

Good luck op

billybagpuss · 29/03/2019 07:32

Good luck

Lunde · 29/03/2019 09:25

Good luck with finding somewhere new OP - I'm glad you are getting out of there - how awful that your husband has started emotionally abusing and punishing the kids by hanging up/giving them the silent treatment

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 29/03/2019 09:56

Yes I am so so cross about that and it is giving me the impetus to leave.

I have just messaged lots of houses for sale in the area I want to be asking if they would consider renting to me. I am in quite a good position as I have a good public sectors job, non smoker, no pets and hoping to rent for at least 3 years.

I have drawn up a document with my details and needs for the agencies and will be going to see them this afternoon.

OP posts:
woolduvet · 29/03/2019 11:16

If that would have happened in any other house either the dh would have continuously rung to make sure everything was ok. Or rang back later to find out everyone was having a good time.
No bother.
I'm glad you're seeing a happier future

Enchomage · 29/03/2019 12:00

A suggestion for you:
Add to your details that you are prepared to pay the first 6 month's rent up front ?
Good luck.Courage mon brave !

aidelmaidel · 29/03/2019 12:09

Been following you for a while--I hope hope hope somewhere to live comes up soon.

You may find that some of your mutual friends actually think he's a bit of a tool, once you aren't on Team Him. Happened to me. He was v charismatic and everyone loved him, except secretly a fair number of people were thinking he was a bit of a prick.

Good luck, good luck. It is scary thinking of life without him but you'll get used to it really fast and it'll be lovely.

Lunde · 29/03/2019 12:50

aidelmaidel - You may find that some of your mutual friends actually think he's a bit of a tool, once you aren't on Team Him. Happened to me. He was v charismatic and everyone loved him, except secretly a fair number of people were thinking he was a bit of a prick.

I think you are right on the money here!

Remember OP's post on March 2nd about the H sulking for weeks about a jokey comment one of the friends on the holiday made about his behaviour:
In the end it turned out that on the last morning of the holiday he was cross because our friend made a joke about him which I laughed a bit too heartily at. He was asking if anyone at breakfast wanted sugar, and she jokingly said he was asking because he wanted someone else to go and get it for him. I laughed quite a lot because this is something he does, and even the kids have pointed it out.

OP - your friends and kids have noticed his manipulative tendencies. He doesn't ask for things directly but tries to orchestrate situations to manoeuvre others to do his bidding. It doesn't occur to him to get up and get things for others. Your friends have him worked out.

Loopytiles · 29/03/2019 14:36

Early on in this thread you were hopeful that he would change his behaviour.

It then became clear, eg with the counselling, that he doesn’t acknowledge that his behaviours are crappy (emotionally abusive) or to change them.

On the DC, observing this as a role model for relationships isn’t good. And he is now doing his behaviours to them too. I think you should go for much more than 50% custody, depending on the legal advice, for their wellbeing.

A friend divorced a man like this after years of similar treatment, plus financial abuse. Her financial, housing and work position was much more difficult than yours. He was a massive arse about financial matters - eg paid no maintenance, housing etc, the divorce. After initially saying he wanted 50/50 DC he had them less and less and a couple of years on has almost completely stopped seeing his three (primary aged) DC, his choice. She has had a hard time but is nonetheless much, much happier without him. DC are doing fine too.

Fairenuff · 29/03/2019 17:33

I'm sorry to hear that the dc feel they need to moderate their behaviour around him and that he is perfectly to use his controlling tactics on them too. This will be very damaging for their self esteem.

Maybe if you can't leave for yourself OP, do it for them. Best of luck in your house search.

Remember he will be nice again at some point and you will forget all this and think he's not so bad. Maybe have a picture of your ds as your screen saver on your phone to keep this at the front of your mind all the time. Don't forget how his father hung up on him and ghosted him.

Despicable behaviour.

Blondebakingmumma · 30/03/2019 06:44

Oh OP! What a massive dick to treat your dc that way!

Are you sure the kids would be happy spending 50% of the time with him? If my hubby treated our kids that way, I’d want them to have limited contact with their dad.

Good luck finding a new place