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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

977 replies

jamaisjedors · 04/02/2019 12:12

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/03/2019 08:06

Yet again your "H" is utterly dismissive of your feelings, the marriage and so on Angry

GummyGoddess · 26/03/2019 08:11

He was watching it to get a rise out of you. He was not being serious about using it for reference!

WhatWouldLIfeBe · 26/03/2019 08:58

There is loads of stuff on youtube about your experience. Abusers follow a pattern and they are very predictable. You may it helpful to look at the Survivor's Forum on the Women's Aid website.

My ex sulks for the country. At least now he is sulking hopefully alone.

He is no longer allowed in the house and the dogs are far better behaved. More slowly the children are getting better. Hopefully there is some kind of support for survivors of domestic abuse where you live.

Oldstyle · 26/03/2019 09:36

A festival to look forward to sounds like a brilliant plan OP. I recommend the Green Gathering in Chepstow: small, friendly, easy-going, safe, solar-powered and absolutely lovely. A restorative for the soul.
Keep looking forward. The freedom for all of you to be yourselves will more than make up for the difficulties of being the only decision-maker.
Flowers

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 26/03/2019 10:49

The festival looks great, thanks.

OP posts:
FrozenMargarita17 · 26/03/2019 12:13

Op just a perspective for you - when my mum and dad split up, my mum thought the same (that it would ruin us) so she took him back for a few weeks and I BEGGED her to please get him out. I was so relieved I didn't have to live in it anymore that I was horrified she would take him back. Your children will be fine.

springydaff · 26/03/2019 12:46

I know he is probably using bravado to cover up that he's hurt

Of course he's not hu

Quit thinking he's like you. He simply doesn't care - about you, the kids. He cares only about himself and manipulating you all to buggery. He gets off on it, enjoys it.

Quit wringing your hands over him. He is manipulating you.

springydaff · 26/03/2019 12:47

*of course he's not hurt!

Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon · 26/03/2019 12:54

Another vote for Green Gathering! You'd find it very restorative, lots to do for all the family, beautiful surroundings

Tiddleypops · 26/03/2019 13:41

Completely agree with what others have said re divorced parents being much better than the alternative. My parents also divorced and my home really was a home once my mum left. I was comfortable and happy and myself. I could never have been like that if my parents had stayed together.
It is clear you are a wonderful mother and you will be even better without this man. Your children will thrive Flowers

I'm glad you are getting some space this week Smile

Tiddleypops · 26/03/2019 13:43

Also agree that he is not "hurt". Is this something you could ever, in a million years, imagine doing and saying to him? You just wouldn't. He knows exactly what he's doing. What an arse.

woolduvet · 26/03/2019 13:56

I think you need to Fuchs on putting the children first, I can't believe that after you've separated and the the effort you're putting in to make things right for your children, that they won't flourish. Because you will.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 26/03/2019 15:38

God you are right, I would never in a million years say that to him about the dating programme!

I'm still getting sucked in by "him as a victim of me" which is what is playing out here - he's acting like he has no choice in what is going on and yet I have constantly tried to get him on-board and engaged in the relationship.

I guess this shouldn't be a surprise from someone who is so passive aggressive, should it!

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 26/03/2019 15:57

This is just the same as last time when he was telling you about all the women that fancy him.

You think you need to find the strength to leave? Oh no, leaving will be the easy bit. It's staying that takes all the strength and courage. I couldn't do it.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 26/03/2019 15:59

I hadn't linked the two but yes it is just like when he was listing off all those women I know in bed.

I thought it was insecurity but whatever it is, it's not nice at all - it's more like "look how lucky you are to have me" - which actually he has said several times in the past too when things have got bad

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 26/03/2019 16:01

He's done it before and he'll do it again.

And again.

And again.

You just need to get off the treadmill because he is relentless and will not stop.

Happynow001 · 26/03/2019 18:01

You are still giving him too much headspace @jamaisjedors. How is your search for a new home going? Did you manage to speak with any estate agents?

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 26/03/2019 18:40

Getting nowhere with the house search and have been away.

I have been through the houses available for sale online and identified some I want to call to find out if they would be interested in renting to me.

In fact the house I visited in December is available for sale and I have the woman's email. It was a bit over my budget but I am thinking of making her an offer that I could pay for April and move in straight away (to get it set up) if she would be willing to drop the rent a bit.

The house has been on the market since last year which is why she tried renting it in December.

It doesn't seem to be shifting now either so she might be open to it, particularly as she has already moved out.

OP posts:
Happynow001 · 26/03/2019 18:52

Fingers crossed!

RandomMess · 26/03/2019 18:57

Absolutely email her and make her an offer!!!!

GummyGoddess · 26/03/2019 19:47

Whatever he says, just be non committal. Then come on here and we'll give your head a gentle wobble and confirm to you that his behaviour is manipulative.

I have aspergers, even I can tell he's being manipulative and I am extremely gullible. You've just been too ground down and you're too close to the situation to see it.

pointythings · 26/03/2019 20:40

jamais if my H hadn't died last summer, my DDs would have been children of divorce at ages 15 and 17. Before he died, they were planning how we would celebrate when the decree nisi came through - because he had made our lives miserable for so long. We didn't realise how miserable we had all been until he was no longer living in the house with us. There are still times when we talk about it and little things come out that we hadn't realised before - how music had to be completely off really early because he'd be busy drinking himself to sleep in bed, how nothing the girls ever did got positive reaction out of him, even though they were achieving great things at school - but the moment they did something he didn't like, he'd be all over it. We were all boiled frogs.

Here and now we think about the good times more than the bad, and when we miss him, it's the good years that we miss. For the rest of it, life is infinitely better. My DDs play and laugh again as if catching up on chunks of the teenage years they missed. They sing in the shower. They argue passionately about politics and current affairs. They are blossoming.

What happens to children of divorce depends on their parents, and your DC have you.

ooItsAoBeautifulDayNow · 26/03/2019 21:04

OP re divorce affecting the kids - my biggest wish in life would be to go back in time and persuade my mum to have left my dad about ten years before they finally split (he left for the OW and ruined my mums confidence throughout the marriage and during the split) but my lovely mum is SO happy now and it's been amazing to see the change in her.

It isn't always best for the kids to stay together and watching my parents' toxic relationship is a huge reason that I'm 32 and only recently discovered healthy boundaries and expectations in relationships. Before then I had the "you just make it work" mindset they instilled in me, when really they never "worked" together.

Have somehow salvaged a good relationship with my dad now too. When you have sad days please consider the positive example of getting out of an unhealthy relationship - it sounds like you've made absolutely the right decision Thanks

Fretfulparent · 26/03/2019 22:25

I suspect as soon as you move out he will move in a younger model.

NettleTea · 27/03/2019 18:38

dont forget that if you will have the kids mainly, you may be entitled to more than 50%, so that slightly over budget property may not be out of reach
I really hope she takes your offer

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