Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

[jamaisjedors]

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

Would you consider moving nearer to family? I 100% understand how scared you are. I really do, but the thought is actually worse than the reality of what you are living just now.

It will be different, but you wont be alone. Do you have friends? Im pretty sure they will rally for you.

Unfortunately my family are not in the same country and moving back to the UK is not an option.

I'm being a bit pathetic about it all but in reality I have a lot of good friends and even colleagues who would help me out and several who have already offered help.

I guess something else I am sad/worried about is not having anyone to talk about the children with and not being able to discuss decisions like schools or even university without it being a battle of wills.

Don't mind me, I'm just having a realistic look at the situation so I don't go into it with a too idealistic point of view and then come down with a bump.

I'm trying to plan something fun for this summer that H wouldn't want to do, I can't really book anything yet as everything is so uncertain, but I would love to take the DC (and myself!) to a festival in the UK and I think it would be do-able so I'm enjoying browsing websites etc.

It's taking my mind off the crappy parts.

Your DC are at an age where you discuss new schools and uni and hobbies and all choices with them!

you are procrastinating and that is normal. You have to trust in yourself, you are not going to be alone forever. You have a support network, your kids are able to discuss things like school and university.

And your H will have them some of the time (I would think). So you really need to piss or get off the pot! Self doubt is what your H has taught you!

Listening to the Prime Minister this evening I found myself wondering what will come first Brexit or Jexit.

OP, I am in the process of extracting myself from a similar situation (divorce is progressing, but H refusing to move out currently).

Anyway, I find that when he's not home for an extended period or when I'm elsewhere with my DS, I begin to parent better. When I'm relaxed, I feel a lot more connected to DS, I am patient and I can listen. And when I'm tense, anxious, and my mind is full of chatter about H and his behaviour, then I'm less connected to DS. And his behaviour goes a bit off. He starts acting up and then I get ratty... I suppose what I'm saying is, your DC will pick up on the constant atmosphere and really, they will be better off in the long run with you. Just from this thread it's plain to see that you are an incredibly attentive and caring person, just imagine if you could divert all this wasted energy your H is currently getting (to no avail because it's not within your power to change him), into your DC, who WILL be responsive and soak it all up.

My parents separated when I was young. My mum was a very difficult person to have any kind of relationship with. Thankfully she moved out and I stayed with my dad who was amazing. My home was a place of freedom and really was a home in the true sense of the word once she had gone.

"when I'm tense, anxious, and my mind is full of chatter about H and his behaviour, then I'm less connected to DS"

what a good way of putting it.

This is so true. Yesterday I was still caught up thinking about it but I made myself do some yoga to relax (I can recommend Yoga with Adriene on youtube) and then we had a fun dinner, put some music on and played a card game afterwards - it was great.

Noone telling us to be quiet because they were trying to work, turn the music down, laugh less loudly...

H didn't call either but he did text just before bed to say he had arrived at his destination. I just texted back good night.

Both of us will be away for work a lot over the next 2 weeks which is probably good, I just need to find somewhere to live now and get on with my "jexit"

Loving "Jexit"

Sounds quite French too! (better not give the French any ideas, already there are posters advertising "Frexit")

Ah yes, my ex MIL was very keen on Frexit just after Brexit happened. Hopefully she'll have rethought after the shitshow that that's been.

Defo plan something fun..... It will liberate you.

I have done the same.... Taking the boys on my own to green Man festival in Wales. I booked it and told everyone about it. My husband and I are doing much better now, but I am still taking them because I need to live the life I want for me and the kids and not let anything hinder that. With or without him in it.

My marriage broke down when I was 56, after nearly 30 years together. Doing everything by myself and for myself forever was scary. And to be honest on bad days, when things go wrong, it still is. But its do-able, I have good friends to bounce ideas off, I've found a local handyman who can fix things that I can't. The downside is there, but the peacefulness, the lack of wondering what mood he'll be in, being able to eat what I want when I want, invite friends round, go out or not go out.....You can do this, you really can. I've done so many things I didn't think I could cope with.

The reality for your children is that they are able to get the amount of time from you that you don't reserve for fathoming out your H or your relationship with him.

Yes to JEXIT!

You're right, I can do this, I can do the jexit and I will get some fun stuff lined up for us all.

I think I need to talk through the housing thing with someone local, maybe an agent as suggested up thread.

Previously not knowing how to fix the situation re schools and travel etc. was holding me back. Now I have decided where I want to be, I am really struggling to find somewhere to rent. There are plenty of things to rent where I work, but that would be too far for the kids to get to school and too far from their friends.

There are plenty of places to buy in the town I want to live in while the DC are at home, but nothing to rent for the moment.

I have alerts set up on my phone but nothing has turned up. My friends think that with spring coming (or even here!) there will be things as people move jobs etc in the summer.

Really hope so. I finish earlyish tomorrow so will go into some agencies in the town to see what they advise.

H is back, but working. I am going away for work on Sunday and looking forward to it - I even have a nice hotel booked for once!

I think everyone is on hold until Brexit, once that does or doesn't happen people should start selling/moving again.

Good to hear that you are getting more clear about what you want.

I know people who had good results by writing (hand written envelope) to every house in a small area, explaining what they were looking for.

If there are suitable houses that are for sale then approach the selling agent to see if the owners would like to rent it out instead. This would have worked with us once for a house we were in 2 minds about selling.

Some perspective about "staying for the children"...

(I realise you've never said this explicitly, but it feels like this would be one of the main reasons you might decide to stay)

My DW comes from a situation where her DPs can barely stand each other, but continue to stay together.

My MIL is deeply unhappy and very bitter about her life (though she's adamant that she would never leave).

Both parents have made it very clear to my DW that they've only ever stayed together for her sake, thinking that she would be grateful for their consideration of her happiness and needs above their own.
(She has an older DB, who left home at 16 to escape the situation).

She is far from grateful though - she constantly carries a huge burden of guilt that she is the reason for so much of their unhappiness.

They assumed she was too young to notice the toxicity of the situation, but she was always acutely aware.

As a result of this, her view of families and relationships is irrevocably skewed, and has caused us many problems. She has spent almost her entire life trying to make up for MIL's unhappiness.

If you are truly unhappy (and it sounds like you are), DO NOT shift the responsibility for the situation onto your DCs.

They are not equipped to deal with it, and the likelihood is it will affect them for life.

Show them that they have agency.
Give them a positive, strong role-model that they can (and will) be proud of.

The other thing about "staying for the DC" is they are being modelled an unhealthy relationship dynamic and that their unhappiness doesn't matter. What would you tell your DC to do if they were long term unhappy rather than a blip that both parties are working to resolve?

YY to what DiscontinuedModelHusband said.

Just checking back in to say hi, I am away for work for a couple of days and enjoying the space.

Then H will be away for the rest of the week so I might get some sleep!

Am feeling pretty sad about the whole thing and a bit cross with H that he is not willing to make any effort to make things work.

Before I left on Sunday he was watching a dating programme on TV (so unlike him you wouldn't believe!) and when I asked him what it was, he said, laughing, that he was preparing for what happens next.

I know he is probably using bravado to cover up that he's hurt but I was really pissed off and sad that I am agonizing over everything and he is just lying there waiting to see what I do.

Had a bit of a wobble in the train journey when I read a few old threads in here about how much children are impacted by divorce and never get over it.

Am trying to keep my head straight thinking about my friend who was in a similar situation to me and who managed it brilliantly and her kids are doing great.

@jamaisjedors I've followed your thread and never arrived back at it at a good time to post. I just wanted to respond to your comment about children of divorce.

My parents split when I was 11 and my brother was 6. I'm not going to say it was easy but because they put us first and talked openly to us when we asked questions we understood that this was about them and not us. I can genuinely say that once our new routine bedded in we were better off with parents apart.

What broke us was my mum's partner decisions post divorce, but not the divorce itself.

It's so much better for kids not to be around an unhealthy, failing relationship.