Family fall out - (TW) childhood abuse related

[Hauntedbyhistory]

I've name changed but have posted on here since my 19 year old was born.

I will try and give enough info to get proper advice but if I am vague on anything I will try to clarify and answer questions.

I'm not going to post all the details as it's fairly identifying if someone close to the situation reads this.

My father abused us when we were children (my sisters and me, currently all aged from mid 40s to mid 50s)

This was something we didn't discuss, in fact I got to my late 20's before I broached it with one sister who was horrified as she had been through the same.

Dh was aware before our marriage and I have received counselling.

My father remained a part of our life (FOG, I have been through it all, I am aware most people would have walked away but it isn't what we did, it had been a secret for too many years to start doing anything)

The 'secret' came out recently. One sister said she couldn't cope anymore and told our siblings (brothers too). Needless to say this is like a bomb has exploded in our family.

My brother had a child 4 years younger than me, he left her at our home on a few occasions. Believe me when I say I was hyper vigilant with her, she never left my side. Any time she stayed, she slept between my sister and me, she was safe when she was with us. (he targeted us individually)

Since this has come out, my brother said he is going to tell everyone and will go to the police.

He said we failed to protect his daughter (whom he hasn't spoken to to find out if she was harmed) and as far as he is concerned we are as bad as the abuser.

I'm devastated. Totally devastated. I have NC with my father.

I have held this inside for 40 odd years, we've all built lives for ourselves and I am at a loss as to where mine is going right now.

I feel suicidal.

I feel like I have let my niece down, even though I know I was a child at the time - I was afraid and terrified. I asked him to think about what he's doing, that it's our life and not a story he'd read in a magazine, but he has said he doesn't care about us, we have put his daughter at risk (she's now late 30s) and he won't stop until we've paid for it.

I don't even know what advice I want or need. I haven't spoken to him since he said this, I haven't spoken to my sisters in a few days.

I asked my brother to broach the subject with niece as I know I tried my childhood best to protect her. He said I should have told him, let him know his dd was at risk.

I didn't have the words when under 10 to tell anyone, not even my sisters who were enduring the same thing. Does that mean they put me at risk (given I'm the youngest)

Please don't out me if you read this and know who I am. I genuinely need advice or something from people who aren't in the middle of this mess.

I don't know what I can do. I am going to work every day and having panic attacks.

We were victims of childhood abuse - and my brother says I'm as bad as the abuser. I'm so confused, in pieces and I just don't know where to go from here.

I'm waiting on my counsellor to get back to me - I just needed to get this out.

Please be gentle with me, I have posted in AIBU because this is a serious delicate matter.

He's angry at the moment and not thinking clearly. Obviously his main concern is his DD but I hope once the dust settles he realised you were victims and children too. He may not be able to see that while things are fresh. He may never stop being angry but I hope he does and sees that you were the victims too. People don't always respond to things the way we want or need them too, and that can be very upsetting.
Is your F old now? Has your brother let any anger Out on him? It may be that he feels unable to speak to him and therefore is taking it out on you and your sisters instead.

This must have come as a shock to him and people can behave badly when they're in shock. I hope once the shock passes and he's had time to process this he will speak to you again.

In the mean time why are you not speaking to your sisters? M

Sorry posted too soon.

Can you Speak to your sisters? If not maybe find a counsellor again?

Good luck

And let yourself feel sad/angry/betrayed. Yes it was a long time ago but those feelings have just been dormant. I don't think in situations like this they ever truly go away, so can be triggered by things being bought up again

Hi,
F is in his 80s now.

My dbro went to see him. He said we were lying and that it didn't happen.

But dbro believes us and from what our father said, knows he is lying.

It's not that I've had a falling out with my sisters, I believe we're all just too raw right now and haven't been contacting each other.

But the decision not to speak to my brother is deliberate.

I get he is shocked, he is angry and he is hurting, he's entitled to those feelings, I totally understand this.

It's the blaming of us I am so hurt about.

I agree your brother is processing this (badly) and that hopefully he will calm down.

YOU DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG in any of this. You were a child. A victim. You did your best with the resources you had.

Your father did all of this. He caused it all. No one else.

That said, your brother is behaving awfully towards you. I hope he calms down soon.

Could you go to your GP? You won't have to give them the full details, but they will be able to refer you to specialist services/support with medication to help with anxiety and sleep

OP your brother is absolutely in the wrong, and I hope that he will realise that as his initial shock (and probably guilt for not knowing himself) subside.

Who is the "everyone" he will tell?

Have you talked to your sisters about what he has said? If not, why not?

I think you need to talk to your GP for help with the panic symptoms.

Hi National,

My GP is aware, I divulged to them after I had dd as I was being so protective of her, I had pnd and couldn't leave her with anyone.

At that time they referred me for counselling and I had almost 2 years of it.

But I do believe I need something for anxiety. I am waiting on our father showing up on my doorstep every minute of the day.

I don't think He would, but the fear is there all the same.

I do think your brother or one of you needs to go to the police. Your father needs to face the consequences of his actions. you will all feel better once the abuse and abuser has been publicly acknowledged.
From my experience, it is the minimising and secrecy that leads to fall out within families. The police wont blame you in any respect but , everything being out in the open within the family, will help you be aware of the suffering you have experienced and forgive one another.

Bert - yes, he wrote it in a message to all of us.

Everyone is the police, all our relatives, children. I have told dh and my eldest dd, but my all my siblings haven't disclosed to their spouses. This forced one to tell her dh which has had a terrible affect on their family.

Mrs puddles - my work leads me to have contact with courts services and solictors and judges.

I am sorry to say I have no faith in the justice system. What court will try and jail a man in his 80s with no evidence.

And we don't want to go to the police. We couldn't cope with it at all. We dont wsnt the attentuon a trial would bring.

You are not to blame. Not at all! You did your best at the time to keep your niece safe and even if you hadn't, then it WOULD STILL NOT BE YOUR FAULT.
I don't know your brother but I am wondering if he is reacting to this in a child way rather than an adult way. As a child, we need our relationship with our parents so desperately that we will blame ourselves or others to maintain the parental bond, even when it is really a parent's fault.
It may be that your brother cannot face putting the blame on your father because it destroys the sense of parental security he had growing up. It gives a lie to the nature of the caregiver he had as a child and he may not be able to process this yet.
Give him space and time, seek support from your therapist but know that whatever your brother says, none of this is your fault.

Oh lovely, what an awful thing.

Is there anyone in the family who he would consider authoritative? You don't mention your mother. Are there other brothers?

This is not his information to take charge of, he is one of those least affected.

Maybe your dB is feeling some guilt because he feels he should/ could of protected you, there is only ONE person responsible and that is obviously your father.
You need to get together and speak to your siblings and see what you all want to do 💐

Try and remember your brother has only just found out, and is reacting in shock out of fear guilt and anger. He is perhaps projecting on you his failure to protect you.

Back away and leave him to it- he can't do a great deal as a relative rather than a victim.

Try and get yourself some TLC, to help you cope with all the stress.

My mother suffered with depression for years. We never wanted her to know this, it would kill her.

Although the counsellor insisted she is bound to have been aware of what went on under her own roof, so I'm not totally naive.

My mother isn't 100% in the picture, she has no capacity anymore (I don't want to out myself but trust me, she isn't able to make sense of any of this If she were told)

I do have other brothers, they haven't spoken out against dbro1.

You need to five him time. Yes he is behaving like an absolute selfish arsehole but most of his anger probably comes from guilt. All this went on right under his nose and he was unable to protect his sister. He was unable to protect his own kid. All this heartbreak and abuse and he had no idea it was going on. Maybe he even had a good relationship with your father,loved him,respected him,admired him etc. He brought his child in the home of a child abuser. Maybe he did see some signs but dismissed them and feels guilt over that.

He's lashing out at you because in his eyes if he knew he would've done something. Ofc that's bollocks and neither of you bear any responsibility for what happened. You were children and are victims. It might take him a while though to process all that.

In the meantime you do whatever you need to do to look after yourself and make things better for you.

You were 10 years old, you were a child you are not now and never should be responsible for his child.

You and your sister protected her as best as you could as children.

Could you speak to your niece as you are all adults now, tell her about what your brother has said and ask her what she remembers and maybe she can speak to her dad.

Everyone is the police, all our relatives, children. And hopefully they will all tell him that YOU and YOUR sister were children and in an abusive situation and that you both did what you could to protect your niece but are NOT responsible for your fathers actions.

Maybe your db has guilt he didn't suffer while the girls all did?
You were not guilty of anything.
Not the keeping it a secret, and not having dn over either.
Unfortunately if your db chooses to tell whoever, he will have to also have to deal with the fallout with his dis 's. I hope you manage to sort things out. But really your df needs exposing. Imo.

Pickle, I know.

I keep reminding myself I have had to live with this for 40 years, he's known it only weeks.

His wife will be behind it also, he mentioned social services, even though we're all adults and any grandchildren has no contact with him.

Up until my brothers knew, they had contact with him. So they're feeling that loss too.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this OP.
This is your brother projecting his guilt onto you and processing this badly. I really hope once it sinks in he realises that this is not your fault. You could not have done anything differently.

April, what is there to gain from exposure?

Your brother has had a huge shock and at the moment he can't see past that shock and is clearly terrified that something has happened to his daughter.

Give him some time and hopefully he will get some perspective and realise that you were a child too and did what you could to protect your niece.

I guess if you want to make contact you could write him a letter or you could wait.

As for him wanting to report this, I don't think that's an unreasonable response but he has to know that it's not his story to tell and to go to the police without discussing it with you and your siblings is not supportive or respectful of your feelings.

Could all of you (minus your father) get together to discuss this with a family therapist? Do you think the family might consider this now or later on. It could help all of you to share your feelings and fears and help you all to heal a little.

The trouble is, it will always be unresolved and might seem to some that you are protecting the abuser. To be told that this abuse went on but most of the family don't want it acknowledged, must be hard for your brother, who is full of guilt that he put his daughter in such a vulnerable position.
It seems to me that your abusive father is getting away with it all and pretending that you and your siblings are a liars. That must be difficult for relatives who believe you and want justice.

At the minute, getting together wouldn't be a good idea.

I feel my brother was cruel and hurtful and I don't feel I could trust myself around him.

Dh is gutted too. He has always been there for me, always known my history. My dbro called him names, said he was a coward for not putting our dad's lights out long before now.

Brothet keeps going to see our father and threatening him - I just wish he would leave well alone and let us get on with it. Hes not helping us.

He told me he had an anger and it needed to go somewhere and he didn't care if that meant ruining the lives we've built for ourselves despite our horrific childhood.

He kept talking about "game changer" and I was saying this isn't a game, it's our lives. And its not up to him to decide who knows it.

One sister is angry at the sister who told him, she said she'd lived this long without anyone knowing and now she feels like throwing herself in a river.

I'm so sorry that this was done to you

You are not to blame. You have done nothing wrong. You bear no responsibility for your father's actions.

Your brother's reaction is...unfortunate. I think at this stage, all you can do is bear in mind that he has just learned that his daughter was potentially abused by his own father. I can't imagine how that must feel. His head is probably spinning and he is likely unable to process anything beyond that fact. Best case scenario would be that the information sinks in, your brother realises that you were a child and a victim and that you are not to blame for what happened/could have happened to his child and that he apologises profusely and you are all able to move forward together, united.

Obviously there is sadly no guarantee that this will happen. But it's imperative to remember that just because somebody holds you responsible for something, it doesn't mean that you are. Even if your brother believes that you are guilty forevermore, that doesn't make it so.

It would be well worth seeking some more counselling or therapy at this point, OP. I hope you are receiving excellent support from your DH.

Muddle, I don't see it as him getting away with it.

He has no contact with any of his children, his grandchildren. He knows nothing about our lives. He lives by himself.

I'm not protecting him, I'm protecting myself and my mental health.

Genuinely, what good would going to the police do?