Family fall out - (TW) childhood abuse related

[Hauntedbyhistory]

I've name changed but have posted on here since my 19 year old was born.

I will try and give enough info to get proper advice but if I am vague on anything I will try to clarify and answer questions.

I'm not going to post all the details as it's fairly identifying if someone close to the situation reads this.

My father abused us when we were children (my sisters and me, currently all aged from mid 40s to mid 50s)

This was something we didn't discuss, in fact I got to my late 20's before I broached it with one sister who was horrified as she had been through the same.

Dh was aware before our marriage and I have received counselling.

My father remained a part of our life (FOG, I have been through it all, I am aware most people would have walked away but it isn't what we did, it had been a secret for too many years to start doing anything)

The 'secret' came out recently. One sister said she couldn't cope anymore and told our siblings (brothers too). Needless to say this is like a bomb has exploded in our family.

My brother had a child 4 years younger than me, he left her at our home on a few occasions. Believe me when I say I was hyper vigilant with her, she never left my side. Any time she stayed, she slept between my sister and me, she was safe when she was with us. (he targeted us individually)

Since this has come out, my brother said he is going to tell everyone and will go to the police.

He said we failed to protect his daughter (whom he hasn't spoken to to find out if she was harmed) and as far as he is concerned we are as bad as the abuser.

I'm devastated. Totally devastated. I have NC with my father.

I have held this inside for 40 odd years, we've all built lives for ourselves and I am at a loss as to where mine is going right now.

I feel suicidal.

I feel like I have let my niece down, even though I know I was a child at the time - I was afraid and terrified. I asked him to think about what he's doing, that it's our life and not a story he'd read in a magazine, but he has said he doesn't care about us, we have put his daughter at risk (she's now late 30s) and he won't stop until we've paid for it.

I don't even know what advice I want or need. I haven't spoken to him since he said this, I haven't spoken to my sisters in a few days.

I asked my brother to broach the subject with niece as I know I tried my childhood best to protect her. He said I should have told him, let him know his dd was at risk.

I didn't have the words when under 10 to tell anyone, not even my sisters who were enduring the same thing. Does that mean they put me at risk (given I'm the youngest)

Please don't out me if you read this and know who I am. I genuinely need advice or something from people who aren't in the middle of this mess.

I don't know what I can do. I am going to work every day and having panic attacks.

We were victims of childhood abuse - and my brother says I'm as bad as the abuser. I'm so confused, in pieces and I just don't know where to go from here.

I'm waiting on my counsellor to get back to me - I just needed to get this out.

Please be gentle with me, I have posted in AIBU because this is a serious delicate matter.

@Cat

I totally get what you're saying. It may be though that at some point, your DC start to ask questions.

God, its all so fucking horrific.

You know m, a few people are questioning whether NPD abuse is behind pretty much all suicides and suicide attempts.

Not all though. Im thinking specfically of Fred West and Harold Shipman.

Thecat, that's how one of my sisters feel. She said she doesn't want her children to ever find out about this.

There's a good post on the previous page but I can't flick back to it - about FOG- I agree.

The NC in my case has been for a year, the rest only recently.

I was LC before that- maybe once every few months.

One of my brothers has taken it very badly as he was extremely close to our father, but he has children and doesn't want them near him.

He said he would do whatever we wanted him to, yet he also went to see our father and warn him off. This isn't what we asked for.

What's NPD abuse?

Abuse from people who have no affective empathy, or simply put, they cannot feel others' emotions, positive or negative.

Knuckledraggers, as I call them, are utterly unaware of even cognitive perception. They cannot read emotions on others' faces or emotion via body language. Most narcs have the cognitive strand. They fare the best in society. For the obvious reasons.

Its related to the concept of 'mirroring' which is usually a hard wired human trait.

OP, I know this is hard but what do you mean by this ststement

He said he would do whatever we wanted him to, yet he also went to see our father and warn him off. This isn't what we asked for.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. You and your sisters are the victims in all of this. I understand why your brother is angry I would be too but this isn’t your fault, outing your dad and bringing this all out in the open isn’t an easy decision. It’s understandable that’s its took you so long and it’s very brave that you’ve done it at all. The only person to blame here is your dad. Maybe distance yourself from it all for a bit, give your brother some space it can’t be easy for him either, but he’s taking it out on the wrong people.

Renarde- when my sister told my brother about the past, we asked him not to go and see our father. We asked him to let it be, that all of us having nothing to do with him was enough.

He agreed he wouldn't go near him.

Later that night he let us know he had went against our wishes and went to see our father. Told him he knew what had happened and father denied it, before adding some info that tallied with what we'd told dbro, so he knows it's the truth.

I meant he said he'd take our que, but then did his own thing.

Are you sure that your brother didn't know even a little of what your father was doing to you? His victim blaming response seems quite over the top. Is it possible that he was aware of sexually 'off' behaviour directed towards the girls in the home and is now making a big loud fuss to stop you all realising that he knew all along?

I'm sorry if I am barking up the wrong tree here. Also, what is your brother like usually? Has he picked up any toxic traits from your dad (not necessarily sexual but any other abusive behaviours)?

1000days, my dh always said this brother was most like my father.

When mum was ill a while back, he took it upon himself to inform far out family members - family who didn't have anything to do with dmum and therefore had no need to know.

He said it was his responsibility as the eldest to let people know.

We were horrified he felt the need to tell private business to people we didn't have much comings and goings with, and here we are again with him wanting to control something he has no right to.

Sounds like he wants to make it all about him, and he’s the last person it’s about

Also- he wants to protect his dd about it at the moment but quite happy to trample on you and your dsis feelings , the people who were first hand victims, very controlling

To whoever asked why I couldn't talk about this to my friends-

My sisters are my friends and my other friends are from childhood. Im fortunate that I have friendships that span decades, but I would feel like I was betraying my family by telling friends this.

Also, one of my friends is a bit of a gossip (She doesn't do it maliciously) and I wouldn't be sure she could keep it to herself.

OP...this spraks volumes

He agreed he wouldn't go near him.

So he gave hiw word on so serious a matter and then backtracked. Without duscussing it first? Thata very serious. Very serious indeed taking into account what was going on.

This is NOT an empathic reaction on Bs part. Im so sorry x

OP, have you had counselling? I think you need someone you can off load to without fear of upsetting them or making the situation worse. These are very difficult dynamics, and you need a bit of support. You don't need to talk about the past situation, just the current one- that your brother is stirring up awful old memories, and you need support to get past it.

Cripes on typos!

Gossipy friends? Bin. They're not friends.

Agree with @pickle

Yes, I agree that if you can get some counselling or psychotherapy it could be really useful.

I'm waiting on a response from a counsellor.

Not my original one as it was so long ago, but one someone put me in touch with.

I'm just really struggling with what happens next.

I don't want contact with someone who blames me for putting his child at risk. But equally, he's my brother.

If he finds out she hasn't been harmed, will be expect us to forget what he has said and how he feels about us?

Try to remember that he has said this in anger. We say things we dont really mean, that we regret, when our emotions are strong. Right now he is angry at what happened, scared for his daughter and the person he loved and trusted is suddenly revealed as a monster.

If he still feels that way when he has time there is a problem. But right now he is lashing out like a child.

Can you put 'what happens next " on hold for a bit until you've had a chance to talk to a counsellor?
Your brother has treated you very unfairly but he will also be dealing with his feelings about being in a highly disfunctional family and until he heard about the abuse, may have been trying to deny the problems.
He is shocked and angry and upset ( and possibly has a tendency to be bullying). So give him some space to do his own thing, at the moment just for now. You can make more definite decisions at a later stage when you've had some recovery time.
You are dealing with traumatic feelings being stirred and brought to the surface. That is a horrible place to be in. Give yourself some space and time too. Your brother cannot demand or order you to talk to the police or anyone else ( well he can try but you don't have to listen).

I think you're in an aweful situation and I truly understand your feelings. Your brother though, is thinking mainly of his daughter and this is clouding his views and actions and it would do for most parents. He may also be concerned that there are other victims as is often the case.

If he decides to go to the police there is nothing you can do, it may be that others have made complaints you don't know about or may be something they just note. People of your father's age are still prosecuted if people are prepared to make statements.

I think you need to focus on what you can control, your mental health and the support you and your sisters are providing each other. Now your brother knows it's likely that the rest of the family will find out but you are under no obligation to provide any details to anyone you don't want to (including the police). Take care.

I'm also wondering if the extent of how dreadful you and your sister feel ( wanting to die) is because actually traumatic feelings from your childhood surfacing, rather than totally about your brother's actions ( horrible though they are).
Sometimes it has helped me in the midst of awful feelings to tell myself that these feelings are about the trauma I felt when... happened rather than what is happening now.
If that idea helps you too I'm glad but if it doesn't fit for you, then just junk it.

Christmas, yes, it's probably what you say.

From we have been talking it's became clear my siblings received worse abuse than me (I'm not minimising, abuse is abuse end of) but it seems theirs went on longer.

We had it all blocked out, all tidied neatly away on a shelf in our minds until a few weeks ago. I am hearing things now I didn't need or want to know, it's like reliving it all over again.

I feel like everyone I look at knows my history. I mean, I know it's not my fault, but can you imagine the scandal if this were to get out in a small rural village?

People say it's not the victims fault, that doesn't stop us being judged. Our lives would be put under a microscope, talked about in the street, we'd be humiliated, as would our partners and our children.

All because of him and his actions. He told my brother he would die if he went to jail, I'd like him to die anyway.

You may find that far fewer people will judge you than you think. Again I'm wondering if immense shame was part of the original traumatic feelings.
That said of course you don't have to talk to anyone you don't want to about it