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Original poster

Family fall out - (TW) childhood abuse related

115 replies

Hauntedbyhistory · 03/02/2019 13:21

I've name changed but have posted on here since my 19 year old was born.

I will try and give enough info to get proper advice but if I am vague on anything I will try to clarify and answer questions.

I'm not going to post all the details as it's fairly identifying if someone close to the situation reads this.

My father abused us when we were children (my sisters and me, currently all aged from mid 40s to mid 50s)

This was something we didn't discuss, in fact I got to my late 20's before I broached it with one sister who was horrified as she had been through the same.

Dh was aware before our marriage and I have received counselling.

My father remained a part of our life (FOG, I have been through it all, I am aware most people would have walked away but it isn't what we did, it had been a secret for too many years to start doing anything)

The 'secret' came out recently. One sister said she couldn't cope anymore and told our siblings (brothers too). Needless to say this is like a bomb has exploded in our family.

My brother had a child 4 years younger than me, he left her at our home on a few occasions. Believe me when I say I was hyper vigilant with her, she never left my side. Any time she stayed, she slept between my sister and me, she was safe when she was with us. (he targeted us individually)

Since this has come out, my brother said he is going to tell everyone and will go to the police.

He said we failed to protect his daughter (whom he hasn't spoken to to find out if she was harmed) and as far as he is concerned we are as bad as the abuser.

I'm devastated. Totally devastated. I have NC with my father.

I have held this inside for 40 odd years, we've all built lives for ourselves and I am at a loss as to where mine is going right now.

I feel suicidal.

I feel like I have let my niece down, even though I know I was a child at the time - I was afraid and terrified. I asked him to think about what he's doing, that it's our life and not a story he'd read in a magazine, but he has said he doesn't care about us, we have put his daughter at risk (she's now late 30s) and he won't stop until we've paid for it.

I don't even know what advice I want or need. I haven't spoken to him since he said this, I haven't spoken to my sisters in a few days.

I asked my brother to broach the subject with niece as I know I tried my childhood best to protect her. He said I should have told him, let him know his dd was at risk.

I didn't have the words when under 10 to tell anyone, not even my sisters who were enduring the same thing. Does that mean they put me at risk (given I'm the youngest)

Please don't out me if you read this and know who I am. I genuinely need advice or something from people who aren't in the middle of this mess.

I don't know what I can do. I am going to work every day and having panic attacks.

We were victims of childhood abuse - and my brother says I'm as bad as the abuser. I'm so confused, in pieces and I just don't know where to go from here.

I'm waiting on my counsellor to get back to me - I just needed to get this out.

Please be gentle with me, I have posted in AIBU because this is a serious delicate matter.

OP posts:
Chocolate50 · 03/02/2019 17:39

OP do you think that he has had access to other DC?
I get that you might feel re-abused if your DB tells people, giving you no option but to confront these horrible events. But it is your pain, your past. Can you and your DS meet with him or write to him explaining why you feel the way you do whilst acknowledging his feelings? It seems like niw the cat's out of the bag you can't really do much about what he does with it, but it may be that if you can tell him somehow why you are asking him to handle things differently then he may change his outlook?

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 03/02/2019 17:44

Do you believe him?
Are his threats something he might do or is he just shouting and ranting while he processes things?

MissWilmottsGhost · 03/02/2019 17:57

Yes he is behaving like an absolute selfish arsehole but most of his anger probably comes from guilt. All this went on right under his nose and he was unable to protect his sister

Probably this^

IME people also forget that you were a child at the time. They see the adult you are now not the age you were then. This makes them say shit they wouldn't say about a child.

Its the main reason I don't talk about my own experience of CSA in RL. People say shit like why didn't you do something to stop it? Like what? ffs Angry

Flowers This must be so hard for you Sad

Original poster
Hauntedbyhistory · 03/02/2019 17:58

I believe him.

We met with him the other day. He doesn't care about us or our feelings. He said he has an anger and it needs channelled.

He threatened to go and beat up our father. We said he wouldn't be much of a man to be beating up a pensioner, even if he is a child abuser. Warned him he'd be putting his own job at risk but he said he didn't care, he needed to vent his anger and damn the consequences to us or our careers.

Chocolate- I would think there's little to no chance he had access to other children. It was very specific circumstances in which we were abused. I can't go into detail.

We never had cousins to stay, never had friends to stay, the abuse happened in our home.

I can't recall a lot of it as I believe I have blocked it out.

How do we try and find out if anyone else was abused? It's not something you can just ask, is it?

None of our friends or neighbours would ever have been up our stairs or near him. Everyone thought he was lovely.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hauntedbyhistory · 03/02/2019 18:00

I just want to thank everyone for taking the time to read this and talk to me.

I've always been a talker, it helps me think clearly. But today I was just lost and lonely and you all have helped me.

I'm so sorry for those who have been through the same Flowers

OP posts:
Joboy · 03/02/2019 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

picklemepopcorn · 03/02/2019 18:14

I hope things resolve in the least painful way possible. Your brother sounds like someone whose needs must come before anyone else's. What a shame.

Thanks
picklemepopcorn · 03/02/2019 18:14

Joboy that's appalling victim blaming!

Renarde1975 · 03/02/2019 18:16

Echoing @Chocolate here. Its highly likely he abused other children. Highly.

We met with him the other day. He doesn't care about us or our feelings. He said he has an anger and it needs channelled.

THAT is not an empathic response. His need for anger trumps the great pain his sisters went through? Nah.

At best he is a selfish, entitled arsehole. At worse, well...

That old shizzle about not confronting his daughter, the niece. Red herring IMHO.

ChristmaspArti · 03/02/2019 18:17

I agree with Pickle. The abuser is responsible for the abuse, not his victims who have done what they needed to survive.

Renarde1975 · 03/02/2019 18:18

Agreed @Pickle! Disgusting @joyboy (nice name btw Hmm

wotsittoyou · 03/02/2019 18:19

It is obviously unfair to blame you for not safeguarding your niece when you were a child. You certainly shouldn't be held responsible for anything your father did during your childhood, regardless of what you did or didn't do. That much is absolutely clear.

However, I wouldn't be as comfortable as some other posters, to write off your brother as completely selfish and unreasonable.

It's a long time since you and your siblings were children. Your father has been left to his own devices for decades and may have many more victims. It may be the case that a prosecution would have been unsuccessful. However, you and your sister knew your father was dangerous and don't seem to have made any significant effort, as adults, to protect other children or alert other parents about the danger he posed. I can understand why your brother would find this difficult to understand.

I've got a feeling from these boards that the popular view is that victims are not to be made responsible for safeguarding others. I agree that victims are not responsible for the future abuse of others, regardless of what they do. But I do feel like we're all responsible for doing what we reasonably can to ensure each others safety. So we can reasonably be held responsible for not doing what we can - while at the same time not being responsible for the further abuse itself.

It may be that you and your sister haven't felt able, as adults, to act to safeguard others. If so, have you had the opportunity to explain how this came to be to your brother?

Your brother sounds very 'active' - like he's used to being effective - and he's very motivated to DO something. He sounds incredulous that this secret has been kept for so long when the implications may have been so detrimental. I imagine he thinks the whole world has gone mad. As a fellow victim of childhood sexual abuse, I think I can imagine a little of your perspective; but I can also imagine his.

You need to retain some control about how this information about your father is used, and this is going to be difficult if you're not all communicating with one another. Do you agree?

I really am so sorry about all of this x

Renarde1975 · 03/02/2019 18:19

Oh apologies...@joboy

Still...speaks volumes...

Renarde1975 · 03/02/2019 18:20

@wot

Arrant nonsense.

MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 03/02/2019 18:21

Hi all

Victim blaming really isn't something that we want to see on the boards - we'll delete these posts when they are reported to us.

Please do bear this in mind. Flowers

picklemepopcorn · 03/02/2019 18:26

Op mentions that it's all been repressed for a long time- and very natural reaction that is too. The sisters didn't know they weren't the only one to suffer.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 03/02/2019 18:27

I believe him.
We met with him the other day. He doesn't care about us or our feelings. He said he has an anger and it needs channelled.

I'm so sorry . Last thing you need right now is waiting for the other shoe to drop, what crazy thing he might do next or feel responsible for keeping him from doing something stupid/comforting him. I get the feeling he has form for this as well. I'm so sorry for all the fallout tearing you and your sisters apart.Thanks

ChariotsofFish · 03/02/2019 18:27

Are you sure your brother wasn’t also abused?

Joboy · 03/02/2019 18:29

This reply has been deleted

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picklemepopcorn · 03/02/2019 18:32

That's not fair, Joboy. Please don't say things that will upset the OP- she has enough to come to terms with without you jumping in.

ChristmaspArti · 03/02/2019 18:35

The op and her sisters probably repressed things really strongly as children in order to survive. They won't have been able to 'report' this. They are not to blame for anyone's abuse.

picklemepopcorn · 03/02/2019 18:36

Thank you @MNHQ for being so prompt!

ChristmaspArti · 03/02/2019 18:37

Yay to MNHQ.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 03/02/2019 18:37

It's always a victim's choice whether to go to the police or not.
They are the ones with their lives torn apart, put on stand, have every aspect of their life scrutinised and twisted in every way and then scraps of that thrown into social media,the papers and community. A very brave 6 yo girl was on stand recently in Scotland after being sexually abused. Her abuser was found guilty and still got off scot free. When the justice system itself doesn't give a shit about safeguarding,why should we put that pressure and responsibility on victims shoulders?

I'll support every woman/girl who wants to go to the police. I'll also support any woman/girl who refuses to.

Renarde1975 · 03/02/2019 18:38

I do find myself in agreement with @joboy. Highly likely hes been a notorious peado.

However, it is NOT up to the abused, the survicors, to 'take the abuser down'

That's for the rest of us to do. The abused have suffered enough. They deserve our compassion, our sympathy and above all, our empathy.

And maybe to thank our lucky stars that WE were never in that position.

Frankly, those that deliberately hurt poor defenceless children? Hanging is too good and I REALLY mean that.