Family fall out - (TW) childhood abuse related

[Hauntedbyhistory]

I've name changed but have posted on here since my 19 year old was born.

I will try and give enough info to get proper advice but if I am vague on anything I will try to clarify and answer questions.

I'm not going to post all the details as it's fairly identifying if someone close to the situation reads this.

My father abused us when we were children (my sisters and me, currently all aged from mid 40s to mid 50s)

This was something we didn't discuss, in fact I got to my late 20's before I broached it with one sister who was horrified as she had been through the same.

Dh was aware before our marriage and I have received counselling.

My father remained a part of our life (FOG, I have been through it all, I am aware most people would have walked away but it isn't what we did, it had been a secret for too many years to start doing anything)

The 'secret' came out recently. One sister said she couldn't cope anymore and told our siblings (brothers too). Needless to say this is like a bomb has exploded in our family.

My brother had a child 4 years younger than me, he left her at our home on a few occasions. Believe me when I say I was hyper vigilant with her, she never left my side. Any time she stayed, she slept between my sister and me, she was safe when she was with us. (he targeted us individually)

Since this has come out, my brother said he is going to tell everyone and will go to the police.

He said we failed to protect his daughter (whom he hasn't spoken to to find out if she was harmed) and as far as he is concerned we are as bad as the abuser.

I'm devastated. Totally devastated. I have NC with my father.

I have held this inside for 40 odd years, we've all built lives for ourselves and I am at a loss as to where mine is going right now.

I feel suicidal.

I feel like I have let my niece down, even though I know I was a child at the time - I was afraid and terrified. I asked him to think about what he's doing, that it's our life and not a story he'd read in a magazine, but he has said he doesn't care about us, we have put his daughter at risk (she's now late 30s) and he won't stop until we've paid for it.

I don't even know what advice I want or need. I haven't spoken to him since he said this, I haven't spoken to my sisters in a few days.

I asked my brother to broach the subject with niece as I know I tried my childhood best to protect her. He said I should have told him, let him know his dd was at risk.

I didn't have the words when under 10 to tell anyone, not even my sisters who were enduring the same thing. Does that mean they put me at risk (given I'm the youngest)

Please don't out me if you read this and know who I am. I genuinely need advice or something from people who aren't in the middle of this mess.

I don't know what I can do. I am going to work every day and having panic attacks.

We were victims of childhood abuse - and my brother says I'm as bad as the abuser. I'm so confused, in pieces and I just don't know where to go from here.

I'm waiting on my counsellor to get back to me - I just needed to get this out.

Please be gentle with me, I have posted in AIBU because this is a serious delicate matter.

The only person here that is responsible is your father. You did nothing wrong.

It is very wrong of your brother to say that you were as wrong as your father. You protected his child when you were a child yourself.

I find it had to believe that on some level your brothers were not aware of what was happening to you and your sisters. I see lots of posters have made excuses for your brothers behaviour, you can try to see this from his point of view if you like but he needs to see it from your point of view.

You did nothing wrong. Should anyone say otherwise, walk away. It is not unusual for abuse victims to feel guilt associated with other victims but it is misplaced and due to the worst betrayal of trust possible.

I am truly sorry for what you went through, for trying to protect other members of your family and for the continued hurt this has caused you. Know that none of this is your fault.

My brother hasn't mentioned it to my niece as she has just got married and he doesn't want to taint memories of her big day.

He said he will leave it until she settles into married life and ask her a few questions. If it turns out she has been harmed he will go straight to the police.

I asked what if he had and niece feels like us, doesn't want a shit storm, he said it's not her choice.

Its like he wants to be in control and doesn't see he's bullying us.

It's terrible for you all! You have different needs and some of them conflict. He wants his father named, shamed and punished for his awful crimes. You want your privacy and the right to move on.

Do you need to do anything? Can you just ignore him, and reassure your sisters? You could jointly write a letter saying that he has no right to disrupt your lives, to inflict his upset on all of you. Warn him you are not prepared to speak to him or anyone else about it, so he needs to leave it alone. Try and take back a bit of control from him.

I think a visit from the police to your father, even if you don't press charges, will give the message to your father that he has not got away with it. Your father may well be telling himself that it never really happened and refusing to acknowledge the damage he did to you. A visit from someone in authority might put the wind up him, so that he is forced to think about what he did and perhaps even have some remorse.

Forgiveness

I think the blame remark is hurting so much as my eldest sister told them all she feels guilt for 'letting' it happen to me.

I don't blame her in the slightest, she was a child too.

But for him to hear me comfort her, hug her, tell her it wasn't her fault and then a few days later send a message saying he holds us firmly responsible for putting his daughter at risk - just cuts me to the bone.

I'm sorry, my posts seem all self indulgent, I just can't think straight.

The thing is the brother needs to be realistic. There's barely a chance of CPS prosecuting an 80 yo man for something that happened 40-50 years ago and with no proof. And even if they did... and they got a guilty verdict not much chance of a custodial sentence or much backlash.
Even so, if any of this benefited any of his victims then fair enough, but it doesn't. It will just make them fodder for gossip and have accusations,doubt,humiliation and shame thrown at them.
It's entirely up to OP and her sisters what if anything should be done and how.
At the moment he is being abusive himself and traumatising his sisters even more.

I’m so sorry this is happening OP. It doesn’t seem very fair at all.. it’s sounds like your brother is emotional and massively over reacting. Where was he when the abuse happened. Did he live at home with you?

Pickle,

I don't want to do anything.

I want to get on with my life.

Maintain NC with father.

Keep the close relationship I've had (until now) with my sisters.

My brother to go away.

I sound about 6 don't I?

Sarcasm, your post sums up my thinking 100%.

Thank you

Pinot - there is a large age gap.

He would have lived at home when it began with my sisters (prior to my birth) and maybe for a few years when I was small.

He might well get convicted but it's up to you if you want to report to the police or not. It's unfortunate your brother is reacting in that way, which is compounding your hurt and that of your sisters. I'm wondering what's really going on with your brother, behind all the angry posturing. I also think he may feel guilty. What do you need to do to feel okay?

Kitty, dh days bro will feel guilt. He is the eldest. When this first came out he said why did you not tell me? I'm the big brother, I was meant to protect you.

But it quickly went from that to blame for putting his dd at risk.

Nothing you have said makes you 'look about six'!

And you don't have to do anything. Resolutely shove it all back in its box, write your brother off as an insensitive clod and get on with it. Avoid anyone you don't want to hear from.

You get to call the shots for yourself, and ignore what anyone else does.

Although that accusation came after he had been home and had talked to his wife. So I'm assuming that's her opinion too.

I don't know what I need to do to feel ok.

There are two family events happening in the next few months. I just feel ill when I think of the future and what might happen.

I can't talk to my friends about this either.

I think you should write him a letter about how you feel ,what his behaviour is doing to you. Remind him that you were a child. A 10 yo child.

If after that his anger and outrage is still more important than your feelings and safety (particularly mental) as a victim then screw him.

The trouble is, it will always be unresolved and might seem to some that you are protecting the abuser

Nobody with an ounce of empathy would think this. And frankly, if someone can't understand this then they are not the type of person that someone who has endured childhood abuse needs around them.

Forgiveness I don't see anyone making excuses for OP's brother. The word "excuse" means that it justifies his behaviour. That's a gross misrepresentation of what people are saying. We are saying that his reaction, whilst completely wrong, is coming from a place of deep anger, hurt, guilt, whatever. None of that is OP's problem and people aren't imploring her to be considerate of him or make him the victim of the piece. The point people are making is that his reaction is not an indication that OP bears any guilt.

I agree with mrsmuddlepies
I understand that you want to protect yourself & family from being outed but what if there has been other victims of abuse at the hands of your father?
Its like a sick secret & maybe, despite your feelings of wanting to keep it in, that it needs opening out - it will fester & be like a cancer if you try to keep it, surely?
The police may have received complaints from other people who have been abused by him & if nothing else it may help them build a picture & give other victims peace in some way. If you don't want to prosecute then you don't have to do you? I mean I don't know about it but they can't make you.
& agree with other posters, your DB is reacting & feels powerless. If he knew when his DD was little he wouldn't have had her going to your DD's house I shouldn't think so that's probably what he's thinking.

Incredibly sad that you've had to hold this to yourself.

You can't know if he has access to other dc.

You did nothing wrong, I'm so sorry you are going through this torment.

Goodness OP, this is horrific. All the x

Right, I will help if I can (also daughter of abusive parents but not sexual).

Things that really strike out to me are these

1 - Both your sister and you are expressing suicidal ideation. This must be taken extremely seriously. Trust me from one who has gone before, it can very easily tip into the act itself. Please take care, tell your GP and I've often found the Samaritans to be a great source of comfort. As is this board but ONLY the relationships one. Be prepared for the trolls though.

2 - There appears to be a lot of siblings; yours is clearly a large family and that may be pertinent wrt to the abusive MONSTER that your father is.

3 - You are mired in the FOG.

Fear - F will turn up unannounced
Obligation - Keeping the larger family 'together'
Guilt - that somehow you didn't protect your niece. You bloody well did!

All of this is entirely understandable. Well done on NC, now, how robust is it?

4 - The B. Yeah. Red flags for me from the OP but I also see you are saying he's 'controlling matters'. Yes, he clearly is. So now, let's remove that control by not interacting with him in anyway as what he saying to you is harmful and hurtful. Go with your gut on this. Your only 'obligation' is to the DSis who clearly you adore (and vice versa) and of course your own family unit. Fuck the rest.

5 - Be prepared that one of the siblings will go to the police, in which case you will be dragged in too. I think this is highly likely tbh. I also query if the B has been abused. Bet he wasn't and there are very good reasons for this.

6 - Know that all that abuse in a sustained manner suffer from NPD.

7 - Why can you not talk to your friends, my lovely?

Its like a sick secret & maybe, despite your feelings of wanting to keep it in, that it needs opening out - it will fester & be like a cancer if you try to keep it, surely?

No surely about it. People react,recover and rebuilt differently from things like this. They are also sometimes, after time , able to accept/leave the past in the past and focus on their present and future. They build lives independent of the past trauma, they literally are a different person. And they definitely don't want to become the "girl who was abused by her father when she was 10" once again,after 40 years and a whole new life.
Some people need the acknowledgement of police, society etc in order to be able to move on. Some people don't.

Some people need to talk about stuff over and over again(I'm one of them) some don't.

Some people accept having been a victim and are proud if being survivors. Some people dread being always seen as a victim when it all comes out or see relationships and interactions change and the pity in others eyes.

No two victims are the same, and no one has any right to decide what they should do,feel or how to heal.

He feels guilt. He asked why you didn't tell him so he could protect you - he believes he could have done it despite the fact that it is unlikely. In his mind knowledge would have meant you were kept safe so because you had the knowledge you should have been able to keep her safe.

At the moment he is forgetting that you were children. That if he had known he would likely have been unable to do anything, just as you were. You did your best in the middle of your suffering. There is nothing to be ashamed of there.

When someone we love is hurt we want to put it right. Sometimes we can and sometimes we can't. Either way we look at how to stop that pain happening again and it is far too easy to go from that to thinking how it should have been prevented in the first place. We need someone to blame, to be contrite. Your father is not playing the role as required so your brother is subconsciously looking for someone else to do so. This comes from the guilt that your brother couldn't protect his daughter, and buried deeper that he couldn't protect his sisters. That ultimately no one could. He is feeling helpless and is trying to relieve that by taking action now, even if that action does more harm than good.

I think your brother would really benefit from counselling to help him process. Could you suggest this to his wife? I think if you can you need to go back to counselling too. Things have changed a lot since you last saw someone and I think it would be a good idea to have some help with it.

Time will help. Be kind to yourself.

April, we never were allowed people to sleep over (again, was my mum aware on some level?)

He was never faithful to my mother, affair after affair and she took him back. They split for good in later years. But these affairs were with grown up women.

Just to reiterate, I understand how my bro feels anger - I get it. I just don't think it's his business to go and tell people.

Remember you were a child then, you’re an adult now so it’s up to you what happens.
Me and my dsis were brought up around neglect and abuse. My dsis told a third person who wanted to bring it all out and I was horrified.
None of my dc are aware of anything that happened to me when I was young and it’s my intention they never will be.
My dc don’t need to know that