Family fall out - (TW) childhood abuse related

[Hauntedbyhistory]

I've name changed but have posted on here since my 19 year old was born.

I will try and give enough info to get proper advice but if I am vague on anything I will try to clarify and answer questions.

I'm not going to post all the details as it's fairly identifying if someone close to the situation reads this.

My father abused us when we were children (my sisters and me, currently all aged from mid 40s to mid 50s)

This was something we didn't discuss, in fact I got to my late 20's before I broached it with one sister who was horrified as she had been through the same.

Dh was aware before our marriage and I have received counselling.

My father remained a part of our life (FOG, I have been through it all, I am aware most people would have walked away but it isn't what we did, it had been a secret for too many years to start doing anything)

The 'secret' came out recently. One sister said she couldn't cope anymore and told our siblings (brothers too). Needless to say this is like a bomb has exploded in our family.

My brother had a child 4 years younger than me, he left her at our home on a few occasions. Believe me when I say I was hyper vigilant with her, she never left my side. Any time she stayed, she slept between my sister and me, she was safe when she was with us. (he targeted us individually)

Since this has come out, my brother said he is going to tell everyone and will go to the police.

He said we failed to protect his daughter (whom he hasn't spoken to to find out if she was harmed) and as far as he is concerned we are as bad as the abuser.

I'm devastated. Totally devastated. I have NC with my father.

I have held this inside for 40 odd years, we've all built lives for ourselves and I am at a loss as to where mine is going right now.

I feel suicidal.

I feel like I have let my niece down, even though I know I was a child at the time - I was afraid and terrified. I asked him to think about what he's doing, that it's our life and not a story he'd read in a magazine, but he has said he doesn't care about us, we have put his daughter at risk (she's now late 30s) and he won't stop until we've paid for it.

I don't even know what advice I want or need. I haven't spoken to him since he said this, I haven't spoken to my sisters in a few days.

I asked my brother to broach the subject with niece as I know I tried my childhood best to protect her. He said I should have told him, let him know his dd was at risk.

I didn't have the words when under 10 to tell anyone, not even my sisters who were enduring the same thing. Does that mean they put me at risk (given I'm the youngest)

Please don't out me if you read this and know who I am. I genuinely need advice or something from people who aren't in the middle of this mess.

I don't know what I can do. I am going to work every day and having panic attacks.

We were victims of childhood abuse - and my brother says I'm as bad as the abuser. I'm so confused, in pieces and I just don't know where to go from here.

I'm waiting on my counsellor to get back to me - I just needed to get this out.

Please be gentle with me, I have posted in AIBU because this is a serious delicate matter.

I am so sorry to read this OP. I have been there too. It is an atomic bomb in a family it just breaks through all of the bonds.

I think your dbro is perfectly entitled to go to the police with this. He had a daughter who was regularly exposed to this man. He can use the information he has now in whatever way he chooses.

However your dbro pushing responsibility for what your father did to you and your sisters is very wrong.

Your sisters and you and never ever responsible for your father’s past actions. That is all on your father.

I will say from reading what you have written, it reads like you are in a stage of very much minimising your father’s actions. I did that in my situation too aided and abetted by other family members whose interests were very much in line with keeping the abuse in our family a secret. It is only since processing the abuse properly and the actions of others in keeping the abuse silent that I have begun to fully understand the wrongs and rights for what has happened in my family.

This step is extremely hard. I lost all bar 2 of my immediate family members by taking the step. However it is the growth that your were denied all of these years that finally can happen that makes it worthwhile.

I would never go back to that point in time in history where a paedophile and rapist was given sanctuary in our family by people who knew better. Their choices are got them to live with and mine are for me.

The guilt does lessen over time because ultimately it is misplaced and all belongs with the abuser and those hiding him out.

I didn't see what joboy has written. Thanks MNHQ.

My brother wasn't abused, we discussed it that day. None of my brothers were sexually abused but definitely mentally.

I can't go back and see who said it felt like my brother was used to sorting things out?
This isn't right either. I hadn't seen him in months prior to the meeting, he hasn't been a large part of our lives at all.

He attends family events but that's it.

If I don't post again please know I am grateful for everything.

I can't explain how or why he hasn't been near children.

What do I do? How do I know?

The last thing I want is to let him away with abuse of other people, ruining their lives, I am just heartbroken.

During my last counselling my counsellor wanted me to pursue a prosecution.

I wasn't strong enough. I still am not strong enough.

I need to think about this.

Don't worry about what other people think- you know the situation. Just try and look after yourself.

As for those who assume he has abused others, read this- second half of page 2 and top of page 3.
He sounds like a situational offender.

https://www.d2l.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/allstatisticss_20150619.pdf

Don't rush, OP. Take your time. It's your choice, just as it's your sisters' choice.

It wasn't your fault or responsibility then. It still isn't now.

There’s no way you can find out if he abused people out of the family. I’d think not as he seems to already have enough victims at his convenience.
Do you have the support of the majority of your siblings ?
If so confront your b together for this to be left where you want it,in the past.inc husbands if need be.
It’s not his life,it’s not his decision.
Good luck op, if it helps personally I think most people don’t want to really bring this type of thing up because they can’t deal with it. 💐💐

Haunted there is no way my abuser will be prosecuted. He has skipped the country and is hiding out abroad. We still went to the police though. So it is not necessarily that you go to the police and you go to trial.

In our case it was more about his unfettered access to children (he still has that abroad unfortunately). But we sought to minimise it as best as we could. You seem to be saying this is not an issue for you. But if you DN has a baby, then is it an issue.

It took me years to get straight in my head what is right and wrong in these situations. I allowed many children to be in my abusers company during this time. I now believe that was very wrong of me. But it is so hard knowing once you blow it up, your world blows up.

OP, your brother is trying to make this all about him, instead of treating you with compassion and kindness.

You were only four years older than your niece. You did all you could to protect her and if she was abused, it was not your fault. It was your father's fault. He is the abuser. You did nothing wrong. Nothing at all.

I was sexually abused by our family GP when I was a child. I reported him to the police a few years ago but he'd died in the intervening years, so couldn't be prosecuted.

I've chosen to tell my children, and my friends, and have never once had the feeling that I was being judged or humiliated or gossiped about. If anything it was a liberating experience, having it all out in the open. I had nothing but support from everyone around me.

I say this because the OP seems very worried about what people will think if it all comes out, and I hope to reassure her that most people won't think badly of her because of what her father did.

I've also seen a few comments about the problem of prosecuting this abusive man now as there's "no evidence" of the abuse. There could be evidence: if his victims give statements, those might be all the evidence needed.

Yes, it's harrowing giving a statement. But I found it cathartic, and I was supported very well by the police.

OP, I understand you don't want to go down that path and that's absolutely fine. It's your choice and no one can force you to seek justice if you don't want to. But please don't dismiss it because you don't think people would take you seriously, or would judge you for it. It might well be a positive experience for you, and not a negative one.

If niece had a baby it still won't be an issue as we have no contact with him.

My brother has told his children there has been a falling out and they're not to contact granddad. Not that they ever did, they haven't visited in years and years, they're all grown up.

Just to clarify, he sent us all a message saying we put her at risk- we all defended ourselves , said we were children etc and told him it wasn't his place to decide what to do.

I am not minimising, I KNOW what he did was horrific, I would hate for it to have happened to anyone else, I don't want him to get away with it, but there are too many of us with differing opinions and lots to lose if this comes to the public eye.

Agree with @wotsittoyou

Horrible situation for OP definitely you can't be responsible for your DB & what he does though. You can report anonymously OP in case there is any chance of other victims. Your dad sounds like a horrible individual & you should not feel you have to take responsibility for his actions. I am sure I can speak for everyone on here when sending you the love & good things that you deserve. Please look after yourself OP

He is a horrible person.

He is a bully and even without the sexual abuse he was mentally abusive and cruel.

I'm going to have to speak to my siblings.

Your siblings will be your support as the same you to them.

Take your time op. You might want to wait until you are being supported by a counsellor, someone who can help you manage your feelings, before you speak to your siblings. Give yourself space and time and be gentle to yourself.

Another echoing take your time OP .

To a PP who said we will never know about other victims - actually, that's not true? Not if it get's out into the media. Abuse thrives in FOG and naming and shaming might bring others' forward. But that's NOT the OP's responsibility and she needs to make that decision herself.