How to handle my mother undermining my parenting

[crispysausagerolls]

My mother and I are close, and see each other almost every day. However, she has recently really started to overstep the mark where DS is concerned. He is EBF (6 months) and I found out she keeps formula at her place in case she needs to feed him! Without asking or discussing with me. If I do anything in front of her she always corrects me “God crispy, dab his nose don’t wipe it, poor baby!”, and deliberately ignores and argues with what i ask her eg she insisted DS could have watered down juice when sick, which i agreed to, and then she gave him pure juice! When I explained I wasn’t fine with that she said “you had it and we’re fine” and became extremely stroppy. Everything I read or hear that she doesn’t agree with is “nonsense”’and is ridiculed, like the dangers of babywalkers. I am constantly told I have “made a rod for my own back” whilst rocking DS to sleep, which is extremely unhelpful. Many, many other things like this.

I’ve tried talking to her but she gets extremely defensive and unpleasant and says she isn’t doing anything, but I’m sure I’m not being sensitive as my husband has also been there for some of it and also thinks it’s not on.

Your mother is unreasonable and difficult to say the very least and I would also think she was the same when you were growing up too. She does not care what you think; its her way or wrong as far as she is concerned. Your H has noticed and he is right also in that this is unacceptable from your mother. What sort of life does she lead and have outside of seeing you?. How does she get on with other people and family members?. Have they also distanced themselves from her too?. Ultimately you're going to have to do the same.

(BTW you do not mention your dad here; is he present in your life now?)

Why are you and she seeing each other almost every day; I would certainly and now start cutting back on the number of visits. What are your own boundaries like when it comes to your mother; could they be raised further here?. It also seems like she will continue to try and undermine you both as a parent and a person if you allow this. You need therefore to pull back from her.

My father is not in the picture. I have brothers and they also see her nearly every day as we all live in the same village. To be honest she treats my brothers a lot better than she treats me - she owns properties and they live rent free or at a hugely reduced rent in her properties, but DH and I pay her full market rent with a proper contract etc, which I don’t mind in principle as I am not entitled but it smarts somewhat that they are all given this treatment. We are house hunting though. She comes with me to walk the dog and likes to see DS, was there at the birth etc. TBH I think I have failed slightly re boundaries, and it has left me feeling quite sad - it’s like I agree to her stuff to get her approval, but then she favours my brothers anyway.

An example of this is i had an appointment last week for a massage (so as not to drip feed - non urgent). I asked her two weeks before I booked if she would take him
For 2 hours. She said yes of course etc. The day before (when I could no longer cancel for free), she said my 33 year old brother wants a lift to a meeting and for her to sit and wait for him and drive him
Home so she might be late and my SIL will have to watch him if she is. She couldn’t understand why this was a problem - it’s not what we agreed! I didn’t want to palm him off onto someone else, and he had a bit of a cold so I also didn’t want him with SIL who doesn’t have children and he doesn’t know him as well. All of which I explained to her but she went regardless. She was back in time so “it doesn’t matter” except that it does because I feel like I can’t trust her to keep her word re babysitting now.

Tell her that she's had her turn to be a Mum and it's your turn to set the rules now you're the Mum. If she gives him formula will you trust her to have him again? Tell her. Also, she knew how to raise you, not your son. He's not you. Your baby, your rules.
And if it gets really annoying, you could say "Fine was good enough for you, but my baby deserves the best." That'll wind her right up though...
And if she bangs on about rocking him to sleep, just say "Oh well!". It's not going to affect her sleep so she can butt out.

If she gives him formula will you trust her to have him again?

No! And given my reaction im not sure she would tell me either and now I feel paranoid about it really

I think you need to put physical as well as mental distance now between you and your mother. Keep up the house hunting and step this up too. Another issue here is that you are still seeking her approval, approval she will never actually give you nor for that matter your child. Reading and or posting on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread may also be helpful to you as well. I am sadly not all that surprised that your brothers are treated better than you, this often happens when a sibling is singled out to be the family's scapegoat.

And why are you accepting this from your mother re your brothers, your own too low boundaries have played a part here. They are residing in her properties rent free or pay peppercorn rent whilst you pay full whack and have a rent contract "which I don’t mind in principle as I am not entitled". What do you mean by that comment, you're not entitled. That is really sad. You really do sound like a lesser being here in your family of origin, you really are their scapegoat here and you are being treated as such. She likes to see DS mainly so she can still undermine you and your H as parents and people here. She gave you no confidence whatsoever did she?. I would have thought you did not want her at the birth either, did she invite herself along?.

Its not your fault your mother is like this, you did not make her that way.

I am sorry to read that your dad is not in the picture now.

I mean I don’t think I am entitled to free rent (and neither are my brothers, although they act it) in general! It’s difficult because sometimes she is so great and helpful and lovely, but then there are other times like this where I just don’t understand why I bother with her. My brothers do very little to help her and I do as much as I can and still get treated this way. I did not invite her to be at the birth she just invited herself and I thought “why not, it’s important to her and she might be helpful”. Similarly she lived with us for 10 days after the birth (again, invited herself) and even though she made a lot of very passive aggressive comments “what’s silly mummy put you in? That’s far too hot for you” etc, it was helpful to have someone experienced on hand to help.

Will search for the stately homes thread

Would she have appreciated that from her mother?... I think not! She needs a reality check you have your own perenting style you don't have to do what she says go with your gut instinct and tell her to mind her own nip it in the bud now before she gets worse ...

The thing about the formula I especially don’t understand as she EBF! And she did extended breastfeeding for 2-3 years and never used it herself so she would know surely??

Crispy

I thought she had invited herself to both the birth and staying in your home for 10 days afterwards. She really does feel entitled to act like this and otherwise laud it over you. She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she had not fundamentally altered since that time. The favouritism shown towards your brothers, the undermining of yourself and she inviting herself along are very much present. Such people too are not nasty all the time but here again the nice/nasty cycle common to abusive people is both here and continuous.

You can only change how you react to her.

Attila, firstly thank you for the support and insight! I saw your post on the stately homes thread and I am sorry for your own family troubles.

How would you advise breaking the cycle or moving on? We are currently not speaking after I tried to voice this all to her yesterday and it got heated (she disinvited me from
The family lunch this weekend)

Stay disinvited. Make other plans with your DH. Don't hide them.

Look for a houses to rent outside of the village. You need to physically be further away from her, it will help you break some of the behavioural habits.

Go to baby groups and make friends with other mums. You need to build up a supportive network, that will help you learn to trust your own instincts.

She has messaged saying lets put it behind us, DS is the light of her life and it won’t be the same without us on Sunday so to come...

By "let's put it behind us" does she mean "sweep it under the carpet and pretend it never happened"? Because you can't accept that.

You're at a fork in the road crispy, you either continue accepting her controlling behaviour, or you make a stand, and show her that you are no longer accepting it.

Too bad if she wants you to come, now. You have other plans.

Reinviting you is as manipulative as disinviting you. She probably expects you to be grateful for her forgiveness.

Put it behind us means she will forgive you if in future she ways gets her own way unquestioned.
You need to be less available imo.
Baby swim classes? Baby sign?
Coffee with a friend? Library for tots?

Don’t go to lunch. Make other plans. You must put some distance between you or you never be rid of her influence and drama. Small steps OP.

I’d reply along the lines of ‘happy to come to lunch but if you persist in undermining me as ds’ mum, I will leave’ then do so.

I would definitely be looking to physically move away from your enmeshed family life. It doesn’t sound as though you like any of them much, tbh.

Say no.
Break her control.
Tell her you have plans as a family.
Does she have house keys? Change the locks.
If she phones or texts saying she’s coming over tell her your busy.
She’s trying to take control of your child and you.

It doesn’t sound as though you like any of them much, tbh.

That’s not true - I adore my brothers. I also do like my mother a lot of the time, but I often come away from
Seeing her unsure as to why I did because of how she has behsved. DH and I will often discuss afterwards what sort of mood she was in etc as sometimes she is so bizarre or unpleasant/difficult.

Also I obviously do love them all!

I do all the baby classes, DM just comes around before or after

OP, I think you’ve made a potential breakthrough here. You’ve (at last!) put your mother on the back foot - she’s now trying to lure you back in to her control with this talk of putting the argument behind you.
Don’t let her reestablish control. Keep her on the hop, stay in charge yourself. Your baby, your home, your rules.
You are grown up now, not that little girl desperate for mummy’s approval that was never given. Don’t fall back into that role.
Practice your boundaries. Get your DH to role play being your mum, and rehearse what you need to say to her. Each time you call her out on her bad behaviour will strengthen your self esteem and your resolve.
Look at what you’ve already achieved - she’s on the defensive after you asserted yourself for once!
I’d also consider having some therapy or counselling, to overcome this toxic childhood relationship and free you from the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that your mother’s shabby treatment of you has instilled.
When you are stronger, I’d also demand to know why all your brothers got subsidised housing and you didn’t - why should you accept poorer treatment than them?
And as Attila says, move out of the village and get some breathing space. Make clear that your mother can only visit on your terms and at your invitation. Good luck, OP - you have everything to gain (freedom, self respect and adulthood) and nothing to lose.

You're kind of the "black sheep" while her sons are coddled. It's an unhealthy dynamic.

Please don't rush to go to the family lunch or make up, even if it's really hurting and all you want to do is cave in.

• Note that she doesn't acknowledge the reasons you rowed.
• Note that she wants to smooth over for the sake of seeing the baby, not because she's sad about hurting you, or missing you.
• Note that there's no commitment to change behaviour.

Take this as an opportunity to drop so much contact and think about your boundaries. I would definitely think about moving away, so at least the favouritism isn't rubbed in your face daily and you don't have to contend with continual denigration. In the meantime, set and police your boundaries.

It was when I had my DD that I finally learned to stand up to my mum.
They act like kids, your mum univiting you for lunch sounds like a five year old in the playground inviting you to her party then spitefully telling you you can't go anymore.
So treat them as such, stand up to her, ignore the tantrums that follow and don't take any nonsense. She's had her own way for far too long. I agree therapy can help, it stops the feelings of guilt and makes you realise you deserve better.